Tag Archives: wall street journal

  If you're so silenced why can we still hear you?

Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Calls Obama ‘Ghetto.’ From Jail.

D'Asshole
So there is this guy, Dinesh D’Souza, and he is a wingnut “writer” and “filmmaker” and philanderer and felon. And while he is sitting in his pretend prison halfway house for wayward wingnut felons — instead of being locked up in actual prison, where he belongs, for making illegal contributions in violation of federal campaign finance laws, which he pleaded guilty to, yet somehow insists he did nothing wrong, HUH — he is passing the time by tweeting really nuanced observations about President Obama. Read more on Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Calls Obama ‘Ghetto.’ From Jail….
  eat the rich

Rich People Tired Of Living In Giant Mansions, Long For Merely Huge Mansions

They don't make butlers like Carson anymore.
Claudio Stivelman is a real estate developer whose corporate biography modestly alludes to his “prophetic vision to invest along the Northern coast of Miami-Dade County.” He got stupid-rich and built himself an “11,000-square-foot dream house,” only to find that living in a house with six bedrooms and a movie theater ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. The Wall Street Journal’s Candace Jackson — who may have responded to a job posting our new Jr. Editrix wrote about last year — gives us a glimpse into the Lifestyles of the Obscenely Wealthy and Modestly Famous. Read more on Rich People Tired Of Living In Giant Mansions, Long For Merely Huge Mansions…
  is failure to follow the narrative a crime?

How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?

Hey, America, remember how the entire rightwing media howler monkey brigade was telling us that not only did Bowe Bergdahl desert his post, he also willingly joined the Taliban and taught them how to build bombs after he was captured? And so we never should have bothered bringing him back to U.S. America? Oh, except now that he’s back on U.S. soil, Army investigators are satisfied that he actually didn’t engage in any misconduct during the five years he was held captive. This raises the obvious question: Why is the Army conducting an investigation that doesn’t take into account the exhaustive rumormongering done by rightwing bloggers? Read more on How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?…
  magnificent obsession

Dana Perino Begs Meteorologists Everywhere To Be As Dumb As Fox News, Yell About Benghazi

We all know that Fox News is nothing but faux-outrage over Benghazi — excuse us, BENGHAZI!111!!! — 24/7, but their certainty that everyone else is just as pretend-mad is one of the weirdest parts of their obsession. Today, cap-sleeve-wearing thought jumble Dana Perino is super mad that Bamz is going to go talk so some meteorologists about climate change because haha there is no climate change and also too they should ask him about Benghazi instead. Read more on Dana Perino Begs Meteorologists Everywhere To Be As Dumb As Fox News, Yell About Benghazi…
  lies damn lies and economics

Wall Street Journal: Obamacare Raised Incomes In January, So That Is Probably Bad Somehow

Would it be safe to characterize the Wall Street Journal as something other than a bastion of liberal rhetoric? We think that is probably a safe call, right? (Especially since it was made by Yr Editrix in the chatcave.) So let us just note that the Wall Street Journal, no bastion of liberal rhetoric, credits Obamacare with three-fourths of the rise in U.S. incomes this year. WSJ’s Jeffrey Sparshott escaped from being a bosun’s mate in a C.S. Forrester novel long enough to inform us that the law’s expanded coverage boosted Medicaid benefits by an estimated $19.2 billion, according to Commerce’s Bureau of Economic Analysis. The ACA also offered several refundable tax credits, including health insurance premium subsidies, which added up to $14.7 billion. Taken together, the Obamacare provisions are responsible for about three-quarters of January’s overall rise in Americans’ incomes. We’re pretty sure that’s what you’d have to call a pretty big effin’ deal Read more on Wall Street Journal: Obamacare Raised Incomes In January, So That Is Probably Bad Somehow…
  noonan 3724 self-awareness 0

Peggy Noonan Despairs That Elites Are Simply Too Decadent These Days

Crack! That blasted girl, that wench, had shattered her final highball glass as Peggy Noonan’s scullery maid. But Dame Noonan had not the spirit to dismiss her on this eve, so instead she conjured a weighty silence, an invisible pall under which this mousy strip of a girl would be permitted to clean the last remnants of broken glass from the obsidian tile of the Ennui Room and slip wordlessly away, oblivious to her fate. It is such a great burden being an elite, mused Our Lady of the Fifth of Peach Schnapps. So many lesser beings depended on her for employment, for prudent guidance, for a simulacrum of a kind of a sort of dignity. But Peggy had been feeling some curious vibrations of late — curious, and worrying. Her fellow elites, especially those in Washington, had grown decadent. Take, for example, the tele-vision bauble “House of Cards.” The dramatis personae of this diverting tragedy are despicable one and all, yet our political leaders ape them like gamboling fooles! But it’s all vaguely decadent, no? Or maybe not vaguely. America sees Washington as the capital of vacant, empty souls, chattering among the pillars. Suggesting this perception is valid is helpful in what way? Chattering among the pillars, good phrase, that. But what of our celebrated merchants, our masters of bourse, our Hanseatic princes? They, too, seem enraptured of their own reflections. They are America’s putative great business leaders. They are laughing, singing, drinking, posing in drag and acting out skits. The skits make fun of their greed and cynicism. In doing this they declare and make clear, just in case you had any doubts, that they are greedy and cynical. All of this is supposed to be merry, high-jinksy, unpretentious, wickedly self-spoofing. But it seems more self-exposing, doesn’t it? And all of it feels so decadent. Read more on Peggy Noonan Despairs That Elites Are Simply Too Decadent These Days…
  Join Ovulation Nation Today!

How To Stop Being Such A Dumb Slut And Get Your Hooks Into A Man, By A Lady (And The Duggars)

Since it’s been [checks watch] at least four seconds since some dimwitted dimwit offered us single ladies some unsolicited advice on how to not be single ladies and why it’s all our fault and how we are TERRIBLE THE WORST for being single, the Wall Street Journal (of course) brings us these words of derpdom from Susan Patton — who is, shockingly, not Suzanne Venker, niece of lady-hating Phyllis Schlafly and professional pontificator on How And Why Women SuckTM. Yeah, we’re shocked too. No, we’ve never heard of this Patton person, but apparently she has written an entire book about how dumb we ladies are, so we should heed her advice before our ovaries shrivel up and kill us from the inside. Let’s “smarten up,” as Mrs. Patton advises in the very first paragraph — we assume she’s a Mrs. because why else would she be single-shaming us and publishing a book of tips on how to get hitched Right Fucking Now? — and find out what we’re doing wrong. Besides everything, obviously, as we women do. Read more on How To Stop Being Such A Dumb Slut And Get Your Hooks Into A Man, By A Lady (And The Duggars)…
  bigmouth strikes again

WSJ Columnist Wants Drunk Ladies To Stop Raping All Those Men

We don’t check in over at the Wall Street Journal’s opinion page all that often because of the paywall and also, too, because it is the Wall Street Journal, but we really couldn’t resist reading James Taranto’s latest bit of hateful nonsense, because we are gluttons for punishment and also because the Editrix made us. Taranto, if you are not familiar, critically lacks both empathy AND intelligence, so of course he decided to tackle the thorny issue of date rape. Except of course it is not at all a thorny issue for Taranto, because he pretty much cuts right to how there would be no rapes if women would just stop getting raped and also being such drunk sluts. Read more on WSJ Columnist Wants Drunk Ladies To Stop Raping All Those Men…
  ensuring that the poor will always be with you

Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way to help the poor is to lower the minimum wage! Where, oh where, would such brilliant logic come from? Robert Strayton, some former executive vice president of a big ol fancy company, put forth his magnum opus in the pro-poor pages of the Wall Street Journal: I have come to believe that the most effective step we can take to ameliorate poverty, kick-start job growth and invigorate hope in every social stratum is to experiment with a $5 minimum wage. That’s right. Instead of making more money, we need to make sure that the poor make less money. And that will solve everything! This guy is like modern-day Monica Lewinsky, except he is blowing minds. And we just stained his blue blazer. Let’s hear him richsplain to all the poors how making less money will be good for them.  Read more on Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them…
  Night of broken Google Glass

Tech Bazillionaire Tom Perkins Warns Of New Holocaust: People Complaining About Google Buses

Meet Tom Perkins. He is an uber-gazillionaire tech dude who once killed a man with his yacht. But that’s just an interesting footnote to his biography. See, Tom Perkins is apparently hiding in an attic in San Francisco just like Anne Frank, where he was somehow able to smuggle out this secret diary entry to the Wall Street Journal to warn of the coming Holocaust: Writing from the epicenter of progressive thought, San Francisco, I would call attention to the parallels of fascist Nazi Germany to its war on its “one percent,” namely its Jews, to the progressive war on the American one percent, namely the “rich.” In case you’re thinking that sounds a tad hyperbolic, rest assured, Perkins has EVIDENCE that the progressive war on wealth inequality is pretty much exactly like Nazi Germany: Read more on Tech Bazillionaire Tom Perkins Warns Of New Holocaust: People Complaining About Google Buses…
  peggy noonan is spinning in her grave

Income Inequality Called A ‘Problem’ In Wall Street Journal, Temperature In Hell Dropping Rapidly

Hidebound banking pamphlet The Wall Street Journal‘s entire reason for existing is to endorse the view that there is no such thing as a problem caused by rich people. So it was jarring to read this on their blog: The trouble is the nation’s affluent, who have isolated themselves over the past 40 years more than the poor, hold the lion’s share of its resources: As of 2010, America’s top 10% of families controlled nearly 50% of all income, the researchers note. Occupy Wall Street Journal! Read more on Income Inequality Called A ‘Problem’ In Wall Street Journal, Temperature In Hell Dropping Rapidly…
  stfu

Shutdown Saga: Obama Administration Desperately Trying To Pull Defeat From Jaws Of Victory

Well, kids, we certainly have had fun mocking the Republicans for a series of stupid quotes about how Obamacare will rape your daughter,  or yelling at people doing their jobs, or 9/11, and we could go on and on … hell, we kinda did. And miraculously, the White House has managed to not brain-fart something stupid…. Until now, per the Wall Street Journal: Said a senior administration official: “We are winning…It doesn’t really matter to us” how long the shutdown lasts “because what matters is the end result.” Are you for serious here? Someone at the White House needs to go into the post-9/11 emergency closet, pull out the duct tape and tape this guy’s mouth shut until the end of time.  Read more on Shutdown Saga: Obama Administration Desperately Trying To Pull Defeat From Jaws Of Victory…
  mansions are people my friend

Want To Write About Rich People And Their Rich People Mansions? The Wall Street Journal Wants YOU!

Hey, Serious Journamalists, are you looking for a new challenge? Maybe you’ve done your embedded time in the Iraq or the Afghanistan, and you’ve done your fair share of reporting on blowed up limbs and now you’re like, meh, how can I really push the limits of my reporting skills? Well, polish off that résumé because the Wall Street Journal — our nation’s newspaper of record for people who wake up in the dead of the night cold-sweating about their stock portfolio — has an exciting new opportunity for you to really earn your journamalism stripes: Read more on Want To Write About Rich People And Their Rich People Mansions? The Wall Street Journal Wants YOU!…
  NOONERS!

Someone Tell Peggy Noonan The Fake IRS Scandal Ended Weeks Ago, Or Maybe Don’t, It’s Not Like She Matters

You might think Peggy Noonan has so thoroughly self-discredited by now that her only remaining role in public discourse is to memorialize the simpleton biases and transparent lie-gospels of the anachronistic, bubble-dwelling conservative “elites” who are the Wall Street Journal’s core readership. You know, like she does in this, her latest lazy, hazy word-thing in which she pretends not to have heard that conservatives weren’t actually targeted in the “IRS targeted conservatives” “scandal” and that the whole thing was actually just made up by an ex-car thief and alleged arsonist who was let into Congress for some reason. But lest Peggy Noonan’s badly diminished relevance lull you into complacency, please take a moment to think of the children. Read more on Someone Tell Peggy Noonan The Fake IRS Scandal Ended Weeks Ago, Or Maybe Don’t, It’s Not Like She Matters…
  the luckiest duckies in the world

Wall Street Journal: Homeless People Just In It For All The Free Soup

Hedge fund manager Andy Kessler has figured out the true cause of homelessness: people lose everything and live on the streets because interfering do-gooders provide all those sweet cots and delicious soup-kitchen meals, and if people really wanted to help the homeless, they’d stop wasting their time volunteering, make more money for themselves, and go create some jobs. This insight is folded into Kessler’s larger point, which is that these awful millennial kids are all well-off and spoiled, like his 16-year-old son, and just volunteer to assuage their guilt or because it looks good on their college application. The real question is why Andy Kessler isn’t hard at work drafting the 2016 GOP platform. Then again, maybe he is — Jeb Bush tweetered about it yesterday, saying “Andy Kessler speaks the truth.” Read more on Wall Street Journal: Homeless People Just In It For All The Free Soup…
  let the hague sort it out

Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet

Good news everyone! Egyptians have (once again) taken to Tahrir square by the millions, and, aided by the military, deposed a sitting president. What is the appropriate reaction here? Is it: a) indifference, because we are ethnocentric Americans who cannot even find Egypt on a map. b) elation, because, as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  put it, “no one is free when others are oppressed” and the Egyptian people have once again proved that they are interested in controlling their own collective destiny. c) sadness, because the Egyptian people would be much better off if a psychopathic authoritarian dictator deposed a democratically elected president, killed or tortured thousands of people, and then imposed free market reforms. Duh, the correct answer according to the Wall Street Journal‘s editorial board is: c) sadness, because the Egyptian people would be much better off if a psychopathic authoritarian dictator deposed a democratically elected president, killed or tortured thousands of people, and then imposed free market reforms. Read more on Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet…
  You Keep Using That Word

GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows

Ugh, we can’t even. Fucking… OK, here we go. The new thing Republicans are saying: Nominating judges to fill vacancies on the DC Circuit Court is “court packing,” despite the fact that it is fucking not court packing, because “court packing” is a term that has an objective, universally acknowledged meaning and that meaning is not “replacing judges as they retire, bless their hearts they are OUT of this shitshow.” Read more on GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows…
  punt contrapunt

Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare

Why is total mob capo of the DHS HHS Kathleen Sebelius shaking down companies to send arms to Iran so it can rape Nicaraguan nuns? This is an excellent question, one posed just this week by Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander, previously known for being the boring guy who ran for president before Jon Huntsman whose most exciting personality quirk was wearing plaid. Here, let us let ThinkProgress parse it at ya. In an op-ed published in the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) charged that Sebelius circumvented Congress’ refusal to provide funds for the administration’s health care law by raising those dollars from outside groups, just as “Col. North was accused of using money raised in an arms-for-hostages swap with Iran to fund and work with private organizations providing military support to rebel armies in Nicaragua.” […] “With Iran-Contra, Congress had also prohibited support for the rebels, while in the case of health-care funding, Congress has refused to provide the amounts that the administration has asked for,” Alexander wrote. “But the principle and the legal prohibitions are the same.” Republican chairmen and ranking Republicans on five congressional committees have asked the Government Accountability Office to look into the matter. Well, we certainly don’t see any difference there, do you? Certainly not that one was secretly selling arms to a hostile nation, to secretly fund an outfit that Congress had specifically prohibited funding because of all the nun-raping, and that the other was getting funds for something that was in fact legislated by Congress? Hahaha, just kidding, that would be a stupid contrast. Read more on Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare…
  drink drank drunk

Peggy Noonan Cleverly Notes That Bush Is Not Obama, And Obama Is Not Bush

It is Friday, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, so this soul-sucking week of Republicans pretending George Dubya Bush was awesome is almost over. The Dubya Liberry is now open for business, after a mostly awkward ceremony where Jimmy Carter explained all the awesome things Bush did after Jimmy asked him to, and Bill Clinton made some funnies about Bush’s new hobby of painting himself in the nude — which we guess is a better hobby than bombing shit and tanking the economy, but only slightly because “Bush” plus “nude” plus have you seen those paintings? Ewwww. However, as the week is not quite over just yet, Madame Peggy Noonan would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that she does not like President Obama. Why is this week different from all other weeks, you may ask? Well, it’s not because Obama made her stay in a crappy hotel room. No, this week, it is because Obama is not like Bush, who was the greatest president ever, besides Reagan, obviously, whose rotted corpse will one day rise again and then Peggy will get to make silly words come out of his mouth once more, and then they will bareback a unicorn together and … oh, well, let’s leave Peggy’s private fevered fantasies alone for now, and turn our attention instead to the ones she spewed onto the pages of the Wall Street Journal: Barack Obama was elected president in 2008 because he was not George W. Bush. In fact, he was elected because he was the farthest thing possible from Mr. Bush. Read more on Peggy Noonan Cleverly Notes That Bush Is Not Obama, And Obama Is Not Bush…
  lucky duckies

Tenured Academic At State University Complains About Laziness Of Shiftless Unemployeds

Good news everyone, a report by the Working Poor Families Project indicates that two-thirds of working families are able to pay for basic necessities without a struggle, and 63% of the nation’s children lived in those families in 2011. Can I get a U and an S and an A? USA! USA! Oh, you have astutely noticed that this means 1/3 of working families DO struggle to pay for basic necessities, and that 37% of the nation’s children live in those families, did you? Aren’t you smart. That’s fine, not to worry, we have a solution to this problem, courtesy of the Wall Street Journal and Richard Vedder, an economist for the American Enterprise Institute! Ready? OK here it is: these poor families should WORK HARDER. Also they should not be given food stamps, Pell grants, or unemployment insurance. Seriously, this is his actual solution. Did we mention he is a Professor of economics at Ohio University, a public school where he is free to opine on cutting the government spending that benefits OTHER people while he himself suckles contentedly from the government’s teat? Well, we guess we have now. Read more on Tenured Academic At State University Complains About Laziness Of Shiftless Unemployeds…
  bloom off the rose

Peggy Noonan: Why Won’t Barack Obama Be Bipartisan Like John Boehner And Reagan Yes She Says Yes She Says Yes?

barack obama john boehner ronald reagan ronald reagan bipartisan tip o’neill ronald reagan cliffs the cliffs always cliffs good faith why why why no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I didn’t call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a cabbage thats what you get for notkeeping them in their proper place pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old hypocrites in the time of Ronald Reagan of course hes right enough in his way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what with a lion God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an old Lion would Read more on Peggy Noonan: Why Won’t Barack Obama Be Bipartisan Like John Boehner And Reagan Yes She Says Yes She Says Yes?…
  We Have Always Been at War with Eastquestria.

Ghost Breitbart: Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal Now Part Of Obama’s Propaganda Machine

Hey guys! Did you know that there’s a vast left-wing conspiracy to cover up the TRVTH about what happened in Libya? Totally factual and documented — at least, inside what Wonkette’s BFF Rachel Maddow calls the conservative “media bubble where [there are no] neutral or contrasting points of view.” And so, when Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal, a press organ (huh-huh… “organ”) that is usually thought of as a reliable part of that bubble, runs a story falling outside the accepted conservative narrative about Benghazi, the only rational response is to declare the WSJ part of a pro-Obama spin campaign. Makes sense to us! Posting at Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Big Journalism site, AWR Hawkins says that the WSJ is one of many “Obama surrogates in the mainstream media” bent on “providing a smokescreen for U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice.” Read more on Ghost Breitbart: Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal Now Part Of Obama’s Propaganda Machine…