WASHINGTON, DC, 11:01 AM, MON OCTOBER 13 | Advertise on Wonkette | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS

Posts Tagged ‘wall street journal’

Peggy Noonan Dismayed By Manner In Which Political Consiglieri Comport Themselves!

Friday, October 10th, 2008

America’s arbitrarily reginal czarina of letterputtingtogether, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, is in a tit-bit of a snit! She refuses to deign either American candidate for Leader as possessing the requisite traits to divert the West’s neo-mercantilist econometric interplay system from almost certain gloom and/or “doom”! Tut tut, what rogues, what Beelzebubs of fiery pagan disposition, are suppressing the hare-like candor we should expect from our two applicants in an epoch of global Money Plague? Noonington knows: ’tis the candidates’ Hired Help — the “political advisers,” as America’s boorish Huns know them — that have poisonedeth the grog of political discourse in the Colonies. Letteth us chance into this seven-day’s issuance of “Declarations.” MORE »


Peggy Noonan Disenchanted With Current State Of Political Affairs!

Friday, September 19th, 2008

America’s Princess of Light, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, has adopted a somber tone for today’s edition of “Declarations.” While sipping on a petite tumbler of butterscotch liqueur and eating pasty crumpets, Noonan writes about how the financial crisis has shown how terribly inept either candidate would be at fixing America’s problems, because neither of them is Zeus or Jesus — basically, how can we expect anything from a president who lacks even a modicum of magical powers, such as mind control or laser-gun eyes? It’s one of those Peggington Noonington columns we love: you disagree with so many obnoxious points along the way, but she manages to end on a few staggering notes that kill you, headlong, right into the weekend. MORE »


Lanny Davis Explains Why Hillary Should Be Vice President

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

What do the Clintons have on him? Horse porn?News flash: Lanny Davis is still out of his mind. The Clinton shill who grumped off to Fox News after everybody was so mean to him on CNN during the primaries has gone off his meds again, and the proof is in a delightful editorial he wrote for the Wall Street Journal explaining why Hillary Clinton is the best, nay, the ONLY option for vice president if Barack Obama wants to be elected King of America. MORE »


George W. Bush Is Exactly Like Batman

Friday, July 25th, 2008

Have you seen the new movie about The Batman? If so, you know what everybody is talking about: How dead Heath Ledger is super awesome as the crazy-ass Joker terrorist. How the idiot George W. Bush is exactly like the heroic Englishman, The Batman. “There seems to me no question that the Batman film The Dark Knight, currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war,” writes some dingbat on the Wall Street Journal op-ed page today. Yep, no question at all. [Wall Street Journal]


New Washington Post Editor Got Millions To Leave Wall Street Journal

Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

Watergate Down.How much will Marcus Brauchli get to leave the Washington Post in a year or two? Nobody knows, yet! But Brauchli is the new WaPo editor and is expected to make dramatic changes, such as “Maybe the paper should not lose so much money” and “Free stickers in every copy!” Welcome to town, Marcus! Nobody else much likes Washington, either, so don’t feel weird about how D.C. is like some fourth-world slum city run by rats, Russian bodyguards and the Park Service Police. [NYT/Fishbowl DC]


Friday, May 2nd, 2008

SOMEONE HELP PEGGY NOONAN, POST HASTE: Everyone we have a very severe problem facing our country: Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan is “finding it hard to feel truly upset about what [Jeremiah] Wright has said.” Medic? MEDIC? Not even 1,000 words of Noonington’s mellifluous prose could get her to feel upset about Jeremiah Wright. WHY CAN’T PEGGY NOONAN MAKE HERSELF GET UPSET ABOUT THIS? [WSJ]


Peggy Noonan Went To An Airport

Friday, April 25th, 2008

America's Queen of HeartsAmerica’s finest opinion-writer-of, Peggy Noonan, recently visited an airport somewhere — possibly in West Texas, Oklahoma or Central California. She is the Merle Haggard of the Jet Age, the Woody Guthrie of business travel. Also, she is an old white lady and the TSA minorities are sticking the beeping wand between her withered old thighs, and that ain’t right! It’s unnatural, as she is not even an Arab! Let’s enjoy an Okie-Dog of Metaphors with the Op-Ed Princess of Bloomingdale’s, after the jump.

MORE »


Endless Campaign Means Endless Campaign Staffer Sex!

Friday, April 18th, 2008

Today’s Wall Street Journal broadsheet features a delightful feature about the endless Democratic primary’s steamy silver-lining: hot cross-campaign-pollinating sexy times. Rowr! As the Journal notes, “The most heated presidential primary in recent history has drawn a record number of new voters, galvanized young Americans and forced the nation to confront deep-rooted race and gender issues. It also got Brendan Gilfillan a girlfriend.” Brendan Gilfillan, you sluuuuuut! MORE »


Peggy Noonan Is Confused By Scary German Pope

Friday, April 11th, 2008

It's Mourning In America!America’s greatest living political columnist, Peggy Noonan, has a heartbreaking new essay in the Wall Street Journal. Poor Peggers loved the previous, cute pope so much — she even wrote a book about him! — and now she’s stuck with this creepy old German with hollow eyes and the kind of personality that was really only effective in the military, during World War II, in Germany. MORE »


Somebody At The Wall Street Journal Hates Mark Penn

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

He cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath--'The horror! The horror!'Granted, there are no flattering representations of Mark Penn to be found anywhere in this space-time dimension, because Mark Penn has an unflattering face. However, the dot-jockey at the WSJ may have gone a little overboard with this one. Expose children to this image and they’ll be bed wetters for life. [WSJ]


Ben Bernanke To Save America From Stagflation

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified about our flourishing American economy to Congress again today, and the economy’s just not good at all! He signaled more rate cuts would come to stave off the growing credit crisis, but balanced it with fears of inflation. As the Federal Reserve noted in its semi-annual policy report today, it foresees “a negative combination of below-trend growth and inflation rates topping 2% this year, though conditions are expected to start improving in 2009.” So we’ll have horrible stagflation for all of 2008, but Ben Bernanke will make 2009 wondrous! MORE »


Our Hero Peggy Noonan Writes World’s Best Political Column

Friday, February 1st, 2008

Ever since Reagan-era propagandist Peggy Noonan started reading Wonkette this month, we’ve all noticed a spring in her step and a bee in her brain. Peggy is back, and people have taken notice. According to an anonymous “liberal journalist” who tipped William Powers at the National Journal, Noonan now has “the best political column these days, by far.” Congratulations, Peggy! You are our shining city on a hill. [National Journal]


Our Hero Peggy Noonan Praises Wonkette

Friday, January 11th, 2008

It’s not every day that Ronald Reagan’s favorite speechwriter admits she not only reads Wonkette, but laughs at it. So we were very pleased this morning to see that Peggy Noonan, our nation’s most beloved newspaper columnist since 1911, mentioned our New Hampshire coverage and a particularly Victorian bit of high-minded satire we dropped along the way: MORE »


Lou Dobbs, President of the United States

Monday, January 7th, 2008

POTUS DobbsWe forgot what Lou Dobbs was doing before he became a raving lunatic. We recall his orange hair, with Dobbs beneath it, hosting a show that was about economics or something. Now Dobbs, whose skin has gradually taken on the same light saber-esque glow as his coiffure, has become the of messiah of the anti-Mexican day-laborer movement. Since he’s on teevee and our country is filled with crazy people, Lou Dobbs may just run for president. MORE »