Tag Archives: wall street

  Allow her to retort

Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead

The too-big-to-fail banks think they’re going to teach Professor Elizabeth Warren and the rest of her progressive rebel scum a lesson about saying mean things about them. As we just learned, the heads of the five families dick-swingers from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and Bank of America have been talking amongst themselves about how to get Warren to pipe down with all her talk about how corrupt they are and how they caused the financial crisis in 2008 that almost broke the country. Their bright ideas include withholding $15,000 per bank in “campaign donations to Senate Democrats in symbolic protest,” or possibly leaving a horse’s head in Sen. Warren’s bed. Read more on Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead…
  Here have some news n stuff

Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)

But watch out for the gout
Still on the fence about whether it’s time for all-out up-against-the-wall eat-the-rich class war revolution? No you’re not: In 2014, Wall Street’s bonus pool was roughly double the combined earnings of all Americans working full-time jobs at minimum wage. […] Read more on Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)…
  You get a bonus for being a good little economy-wrecker!

Sleazy Lehman Bros. Only Paid $44 Million In Bonuses Last Year, Thanks Obama

no, I really do not deserve this
Pop quiz: What do you do if you’re the last vestige of Lehman Brothers, the banking and investment company whose demise was the biggest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history and now you’re in the post-bankruptcy process of slowly unraveling the clusterfuck that you caused in the world economy? Do you a) feel really sorry and promise never to be in charge of more than $15 of anyone else’s money for the entire rest of your life, or b) give your employees $44 million in bonuses, because even though they work for the remains of the company that started a global financial meltdown, they’re still swell! Yeah, this quiz was too easy, ugh, the answer is b. And we ask ourselves, once again, how is it that Occupy didn’t end up with heads on spikes? Read more on Sleazy Lehman Bros. Only Paid $44 Million In Bonuses Last Year, Thanks Obama…
  location location causation

Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously

parking not included
Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive! Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…
  mistakes were made

Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws

Jamie Dimon, protector and defender of our financial system
Between 2013 and 2014, JPMorgan Chase, a shadowy banking cabal, paid some $14 billion with a b in legal costs stemming from various criminal enterprises the company willfully engaged in to make money. So of course the bank’s CEO, Jamie Dimon, took his lumps and was very humble and chastened, right? Wrong! Read more on Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws…
  You shall not pass!

Elizabeth Warren Defeats Wall Street Treasury Dude, With Fire

Bring it on
Guess who is not resting on her laurels even though she won the prestigious Wonkette Legislative Badass of the Year Award for 2014, and there is not any higher award than that, so why would she need to keep going to work every day? It is your favorite senator from Massachusetts and human flamethrower for justice, Elizabeth Warren! Read more on Elizabeth Warren Defeats Wall Street Treasury Dude, With Fire…
  Best damn Elizabeth Warren ever

Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  nice time!

Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base

Liz Warren, easy riding over the banks
The Huffington Post reports that popular populist Sen. Elizabeth Warren will assume a new leadership role in the rump Democratic caucus. She will be “crafting the party’s messaging and policy” in a “new position created specifically for her,” which is a notable departure from what happened the last time a position was created specifically for her and Richard Cordray filled it instead, how rude! Read more on Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base…
  Poor Little Prick Boy

Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican

Scootaloo is too young to understand 'misplaced empathy'
It’s a sad week for Democrats, and a really happy week for Republicans, at least most of them, except maybe for Scott Brown, who’s busy crying bitter tears and checking the real estate listings in Vermont and Maine. Read more on Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican…
  Greed Is Good

Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor

Like the bastard child of gordon gekko and scrooge mcduck.
Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. Are we right, Wall Street Journal? Read more on Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor…
  noonan 3724 self-awareness 0

Peggy Noonan Despairs That Elites Are Simply Too Decadent These Days

Crack! That blasted girl, that wench, had shattered her final highball glass as Peggy Noonan’s scullery maid. But Dame Noonan had not the spirit to dismiss her on this eve, so instead she conjured a weighty silence, an invisible pall under which this mousy strip of a girl would be permitted to clean the last remnants of broken glass from the obsidian tile of the Ennui Room and slip wordlessly away, oblivious to her fate. It is such a great burden being an elite, mused Our Lady of the Fifth of Peach Schnapps. So many lesser beings depended on her for employment, for prudent guidance, for a simulacrum of a kind of a sort of dignity. But Peggy had been feeling some curious vibrations of late — curious, and worrying. Her fellow elites, especially those in Washington, had grown decadent. Take, for example, the tele-vision bauble “House of Cards.” The dramatis personae of this diverting tragedy are despicable one and all, yet our political leaders ape them like gamboling fooles! But it’s all vaguely decadent, no? Or maybe not vaguely. America sees Washington as the capital of vacant, empty souls, chattering among the pillars. Suggesting this perception is valid is helpful in what way? Chattering among the pillars, good phrase, that. But what of our celebrated merchants, our masters of bourse, our Hanseatic princes? They, too, seem enraptured of their own reflections. They are America’s putative great business leaders. They are laughing, singing, drinking, posing in drag and acting out skits. The skits make fun of their greed and cynicism. In doing this they declare and make clear, just in case you had any doubts, that they are greedy and cynical. All of this is supposed to be merry, high-jinksy, unpretentious, wickedly self-spoofing. But it seems more self-exposing, doesn’t it? And all of it feels so decadent. Read more on Peggy Noonan Despairs That Elites Are Simply Too Decadent These Days…
  math-ers of the universe

Fox Business Analyst Super Sure Obama Might Resign, Maybe, Because Math And Nixon

Today in Wishful Thinking: Fox Business News ran this tantalizing headline yesterday: “Analyst Sees Chance of Obama Resignation.” And by golly, there is nothing at all untrue about it! They found a Wall Street investment analyst who has “27 years of experience in the securities industry” and based on his excellent science, he figures there’s no more than a 90% chance that Obama will see out the rest of his term: “If ObamaCare is the fiasco that some headlines are suggesting it is, I place the odds around 10% the president will resign before next November’s election,” said Kent Engelke, managing director at the brokerage Capitol Securities Management. We bet there’s some seriously complex calculations that went into that precise determination, seeing as how this is a financial wizard what makes a living carefully weighing all the possible factors involved in a stock’s performance? He probably has a complex formula that accounts for all kinds of variables, and maybe he even consulted the entrails of a chicken (one that had been fucked to death by Todd Starnes). Let’s see what arcane factors went into his precise estimate! Engelke … says he got the 10% number from a simple calculation: 7% of all U.S. presidents faced impeachment or resignation (Presidents Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were impeached, while President Nixon resigned). He adds in another 3% due to the heightened animosity between president Obama and Republicans in congress. Wow! Don’t you want to invest all your money with that number genius? Read more on Fox Business Analyst Super Sure Obama Might Resign, Maybe, Because Math And Nixon…
  Banks Win! Banks Win!

Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!

How’s that vein in your forehead? Poppin’ fresh? No? You’re happy?! Well that won’t do at all! Here, read this story about how Wall Street firms are furiously buying up cheap homes, renting them out, refusing to treat infestations of vermin, threatening legal action against renters for things that aren’t their fault, and (of course) bundling monthly rent payments to sell as can’t-miss securities. It’s fine, though, they’re just leveraging the disastrous glut of foreclosures and the ensuing drop in home prices — you know, the key elements of the global recession that they caused in the first place — to make a quick buck, just like you would do if you were an utterly remorseless sociopathic malignancy with near-total immunity from the legal, moral, and economic consequences of your actions, so quit being such a sore loser, loser. Read more on Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!…
  how stuff works

Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism

Gosh, we are such dumb liberals! We thought we knew all about capitalism, an economic system most of us have lived with our entire lives. We thought we knew all about private ownership, and free markets, and the commodification of labor, and investment, and consumption, and all that jazz! And we thought we knew about the externalities like pollution and poverty and political corruption that come from capitalism, and how they are bad. So dumb! So liberal! Ugh, we disgust ourselves. Thank heavens there are men like Rand Paul and Alan Greenspan to set us straight. Open wide, dumb liberals, because here is Rand Paul on Hannity to regurgitate Economy Facts about Obamacare into your hungry gullets: Read more on Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism…
  bailout cry-babies

AIG CEO Upset At Being ‘Lynched’ By Taxpayers, With Words

You know what’s hard? Being yelled at for being rich and kinda douchey. Sometimes, wittle fee-fees get boo-boos on them, ginormous egos might get an owwie, and the only thing to cushion the blow is millions of dollars to soak up the tears. For Robert Benmosche, the CEO who took over AIG in 2008 after it helped crash the global economy and then got bailed out by taxpayers, the pain caused by public outrage over HUGE bonuses was more than just hurt feelings. There is only one historical analogy that is appropriate, per WaPo: The uproar over bonuses “was intended to stir public anger, to get everybody out there with their pitchforks and their hangman nooses, and all that — sort of like what we did in the Deep South [decades ago]. And I think it was just as bad and just as wrong.” Yes, we all remember how the KKK gave millions of dollars to all the black folks and then yelled at them for being so incredibly rich. It was a dark, shameful time in American history. Read more on AIG CEO Upset At Being ‘Lynched’ By Taxpayers, With Words…
  Stocks and Bondage And Discipline

Wingnut Group Wants To Impeach Obama For Wrecking Stock Market, Dow Hits New Record

Timing is everything. And if you’re the wingnut publication Capitol Hill Daily, which we’ve never heard of before, you could probably pick a better day than yesterday — when the Dow Jones averaged closed at over 15,000 for the first time ever — to have issued a call for the impeachment of President Obama because of how terrible he’s been for the stock market. Think Progress notes that an email from Capitol Hill Daily went out on Citizen’s United’s listserve, accusing Obama of ruining everything for the super-rich on a day when their portfolios were actually doing quite well, thank you very much. Read more on Wingnut Group Wants To Impeach Obama For Wrecking Stock Market, Dow Hits New Record…
  rats and sinking ships and such

Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One

For months, political comedy aficionados everywhere have been demanding a Romney-Christie “Odd Couple” GOP ticket, where Chris Christie would leave his dirty socks all over the floor after a hard day of screaming abuse at schoolteachers, and Mitt Romney would pick them up with tongs while grinning mirthlessly. Sadly, this was not to be, and probably you thought it was because Romney’s people figured out that Christie’s “fugeddaboutit” brand of Garden State rage wouldn’t play well among emotionally healthy people. But now secret inside sources have leaked to the New York Post the REAL reason: Chris Christie would have been legally required to quit as Governor of New Jersey in order to hoover up all that delicious Wall Street cash, and Chris Christie is not about to quit being Governor of New Jersey to be Mitt Romney’s running mate, because Chris Christie is pretty sure that Mitt Romney is going to lose. Read more on Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One…
  bad boys bad boys

Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote

Good news, bankers! Our long national nightmare of no accountability and massive golden parachutes is behind us so let there be champagne, caviar, and get out of jail free cards for all because the entire financial crisis is forgiven and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession, or as we like to call it “the new normal.” This development, of course, is TOTALLY shocking and unexpected and no one saw this coming. Read more on Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote…
  the true victims of the recession

Wall Street Donor Asks Obama For Healing Speech Praising Rich People

How was everyone’s May Day? Did you go out and join one of the many actions across the country? Did you make it seem like you participated by re-posting May Day news items to your Facebook wall? That’s nice, but did you notice that the world economic order had not shifted by the time you got up today? CNN did! TRAGIC FAIL, DEMONSTRATORS: “Some even talked about bringing down capitalism. But the small demonstrations in many American cities and in other cities across the world had little effect.” So that’s it for all you poor slobs! But why didn’t they just hold some direct talks with Barack Obama’s top people, to more directly address their concerns? This is how wealthy political donors get their ideas out there. One of these donors has an excellent idea for Obama, to dry all those acid tears over the nation’s growing income inequality: how about he give one of his famous healing speeches explaining to the slobs that it is not polite to be mad at Wall Street. That’ll do it. Read more on Wall Street Donor Asks Obama For Healing Speech Praising Rich People…
  dirty real estate deals

Everything About Rick Santorum Is Gross, Like His ‘Creamcup Trust’

Today’s Santorum scandal du jour — which means “a frothy mix, etc.,” in Santorum’s native language of Gay Obsessed — involves the various mansions he purchases through shady mortgages, in Virginia. But really, did he need to name his sketchy tax dodge “The Creamcup Trust,” and did he have to involve somebody named “James Sack”? Read more on Everything About Rick Santorum Is Gross, Like His ‘Creamcup Trust’…