Barack Obama gave a STERN SPEECH today to those evil Wall Street executives, who were barely able to suppress their giggles, but likely shat their pants instead, during bits like this: “I want everybody here to hear my words. We will not go back to the days of reckless behavior and unchecked excess at the heart of this crisis, where too many were motivated only by the appetite for quick kills and bloated bonuses. Those on Wall Street cannot resume taking risks without regard for consequences, and expect that next time, American taxpayers will be there to break their fall.” The consensus reaction seemed to be along the lines of, Meh, we’re going to continue expecting that next time, American taxpayers will be there to break our fall. [NYT]

Sure, Barack Obama changed his mind about releasing the very scary photos of widespread medieval U.S. war crimes everywhere, but Robert Gibbs cut off that leftist hippie firestorm right quick when he stole a reporter’s telephone and everyone got distracted and forgot about war and stuff. What’s the other terrible thing happening in the world now? Oh yes, money, and how we lost all of it after a few companies had to put up collateral on all those credit default swaps they made in secret, but then they didn’t have any reserves whatsoever, because saving is gay. Well the Treasury is finally releasing a plan to introduce basic, very basic regulations to the derivatives market. Why does the government hate capitalism? MORE »

• WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO IS WRITE ANOTHER NYT OP-ED DESCRIBING THE INS-AND-OUTS OF RESOLVING A COMMODITY BUSINESS: Jake DeSantis, the AIG executive who recently penned a very nuanced take in the New York Times about why he deserves a publicly funded $750,000 bonus that otherwise would’ve been laughed out of bankruptcy court, is still working at that damn company, even though his NYT column was supposedly a resignation letter. Anyone have a ballpark figure on how long it takes to “resolve a commodity business?” [Daily Intel]

Eliot Spitzer was on the Today show this morning to chat with Matt Lauer about that time the latter fought a deer with his bike, and lost. Now look, jokes about how Eliot Spitzer made it with all the ladies are not funny anymore, at all (although it is funny in this interview when Matt Lauer basically asks Spitzer how many hookers he’s sexed, specifically). Spitzer is smart and goddamnit he should have another job! He should still be running New York! Total FBI-Wall Street conspiracy set-up with this guy, maybe. [MSNBC/Salon]

These supposed Christians made a mockery of their faith in October, when they cavorted about this golden idol of mammon, the Molten Calf of Wall Street, because obviously the best way to head off a global recession is to sing God Bless America to a statue of an animal. What has happened since these idolaters demanded that Jesus fix the stock markets? MORE »

Whoa, weird, Fox Business News has a delightful scoop today! They won a suit against the Treasury to release 10,000 pages in TARP-related government records, and for the good of mankind have already found a couple of funny anecdotes revealing cartoonish confusion and conflict. We’re starting to understand the mechanics of how AIG rips off the federal government so easily: the old racist means of pitting the bureaucrats against each other until they’ve all been killed off. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
The economy’s in the crapper! Tim Geithner cannot and will not save us! The stimulus is not stimulating enough, or is too stimulating, or something! Judd Gregg and Barack Obama are getting a divorce! It is absolutely true that everything in the world is worse than it ever has been before at any time in history, or ever will be again. Can we find solace in funny cartoons? Sadly, we cannot, because they are also bad. Come, let us endure the unendurable, together. MORE »

Here’s Massachusetts Congressman Michael Capuano yelling at today’s Capitol Hill hearing with eight big bank CEOs, who demanded that Congress give them a second set of keys to the U.S. Mint (just to make it more convenient during the all-nighter printings, right?) He asks if their companies invest in credit default swaps (”hell fuckin’ yeah”), and then adds, “So basically all or most of you engaged in all or at least some of the activities that actually created this crisis, in my opinion. Because every one of those activities, especially the SIVs [structured investment vehicles], ESPECIALLY the SIV’s — to me, I think they’re illegal. I cannot believe no one’s prosecuted you on this.” Rah rah rah! MORE »

Brian Ross is a national treasure because he is an actual investigative journalist who investigates things. He got this gal who ran a Wall Street hooker ring to turn over her client list, and boy howdy! It is full of, uh, bankers. Probably very interesting to people who know anything about Wall Street! Anyway, many of these bankers and stock brokers used their corporate cards, of course, to fund their extremely expensive habits, so there you go, your bailout money is going to pay off the hooker bill of a New York real estate investor who liked to wear women’s underwear. [Talking Points Memo]

OR NOT: “Sen. Charles Schumer, a New York Democrat, said on Thursday that some experts think creating a ‘bad bank’ to buy toxic assets could require as much as $4 trillion.” These experts include Charles Schumer’s major donors on Wall Street, as well as Charles Schumer’s major donors on Wall Street. It’s kind of hilarious that this guy is more or less the most corrupt politician in America, at least according to the notational value of deals in imaginary money he brokers, but, well, he’s a character! [Reuters]

A horde of dead creatures associated with “Zombiecon 2008″ has killed all of the Christians praying to the Wall Street bull and DRENCHED IT IN THEIR DEATH BLOOD, omg, Video Fridays are the best. This is completely terrifying and you will die just by watching it. [YouTube]