Tag Archives: wal-mart

  Born Arky sneering at you from just the other side of the Mississippi

Arkansas Does Not Need Your Gay Business, Gays!

Oh, we are SNEERING at our home state of Arkansas right now, so hard. You see, we grew up in Little Rock during the days of Bill Clinton, back when Arkansas was Democrat Tuff, in a very blue dog way of course, but never mind. Now it’s been overrun by the same extremist wingnuts who have taken over state legislatures and governors’ mansions all over the South and beyond, with all the stupid that naturally follows those takeovers. Right now, Arkansas is ready to let a horrid, stupid bill become law, SB 202, wherein towns and hamlets and cozy, scenic criks will be banned from passing ordinances protecting LGBT citizens from discrimination. Why this big government intrusion from Little Rock? Because, of course, gays are gross, and we have to protect reg’lar Arkansans from the “chaos” that would ensue if LGBT people were treated equally: Read more on Arkansas Does Not Need Your Gay Business, Gays!…
  2015 is off to a great start for guns! People not so much.

Who Is Being Shot By Their Toddlers Today? Your Saturday Gun-Fun Roundup!

2015 arrived with a big ol’ bang, and by “bang” we mean multiple gunshots that injured or killed people for no reason whatsoever. Here’s your week in guns: Guns Are Family Fun, Says Shooting Range Read more on Who Is Being Shot By Their Toddlers Today? Your Saturday Gun-Fun Roundup!…
  The Second Amendment Is Not A Toy

Gun-Humpers Awfully Quiet About 12-Year-Old Dead Boy Tamir Rice’s Open-Carry Rights. Huh.

This is Tamir Rice.
As everyone on the Internets knows, there’s nobody more dedicated to freedom and our precious rights as Americans than the Open Carry crowd. They love freedom, at least as long as it’s the freedom to walk around with an AR-15 anywhere you want to, and if someone says walking around packing heat just for the sake of pissing people off is stupid, then that critic obviously hates America and freedom, even if they’re the NRA. And if police ever hassle open carriers for carrying openly, you bet they’ll post indignant videos about how their rights are being menaced, and they’ll all shout “Moron Labia” and call for armed revolution if necessary. Read more on Gun-Humpers Awfully Quiet About 12-Year-Old Dead Boy Tamir Rice’s Open-Carry Rights. Huh….
  i will work harder!

Food Stamp Cuts Reduce Wal-Mart Profits And We’re Not Even Talking About Its Employees, LOL

Here is a fun fact: when Poors have less money, they spend less money. Also, when you give people money, they spend more money. However, when you punish  poor people by withholding their money to spend on food they have less money to spend on food, so they spend less money on food. The end result is not, as Rand Paul argued, “less slavery,”  but rather less food being sold.  Read more on Food Stamp Cuts Reduce Wal-Mart Profits And We’re Not Even Talking About Its Employees, LOL…
  Workers of Walmart Unite!

Feds Charge Wal-Mart With Labor Violations; Morose Liberals Too Busy Hating Obama To Notice

Remember when Obama was going to singlehandedly fix everything that was wrong with America, with socialism? And everyone would feel a great awakening of consciousness, and all our old hatreds would vanish, and we’d all become One in a vast field of organic fair-trade ironic mustaches? That didn’t happen, but at least the National Labor Relations Board is finally charging Wal-Mart with violating labor laws!  Read more on Feds Charge Wal-Mart With Labor Violations; Morose Liberals Too Busy Hating Obama To Notice…
  clothes encounters of the third world kind

Gap & Wal-Mart To Bangladesh Garment Workers: Go Die In A Fire, LOL

Since “competition” and “efficiency” and “unit cost” are key to success in international trade and to maintaining the prosperous lifestyle we all enjoy in today’s modern America of today, it’s not too big a surprise that U.S. retailers might balk at anything that would make their costs go up. That’s just the Free Market, right? And so if, from time to time, a garment factory catches fire or collapses or is knocked over by a strong breeze, that kind of sucks for the people who die, but it’s not like WE bear any responsibility, we didn’t know, and we don’t really want to know, do we? (Quick check…Yr Doktor Zoom’s t-shirt was hecho en Mexico and his jeans were… uh-oh… made in Bangladesh? Crap. Looks like it’s another No-Pants Tuesday!) Read more on Gap & Wal-Mart To Bangladesh Garment Workers: Go Die In A Fire, LOL…
  food news

Walmart Proudly Announces Its Worker-To-Prison Program

Walmart is initiating a new phase of growth, that of its worker-to-prison program, which makes perfect sense when you think about it, really. Of course, it is not an OFFICIAL worker-to-prison program; it’s just that they HAPPEN to be charging one of their workers with a felony because she ate “multiple” oreo cookies while on her shift. Perhaps they should team up with a for-profit prison, and expand this program and see where it takes them! Anyway, back to the Great Oreo Caper: employee Penny Winters was kind of hungry and couldn’t really afford to buy a snack on her $11.74/hr pay, so she just liberated the cookies via her own reconnaissance, and when caught, was charged with felony theft. Did we mention that she has been with Walmart for eight years? Read more on Walmart Proudly Announces Its Worker-To-Prison Program…
  let them eat minimum wage

John Boehner To Poors: We Want To Pay You Less To Help You

Well, that was fast! John Boehner has taken a close look at President Obama’s minimum wage proposal and after less than 24 hours of careful deliberation, has decided that Poors are doing just fine, thanks, and also, we must pay Poors very little and this is the best way to help them. Read more on John Boehner To Poors: We Want To Pay You Less To Help You…
  a newt gingrich wet dream

Wal-Mart de Mexico Flips a Peso: Bribes or Baggers? Bribes Win

The New York Times gave the Justice Department more work to do yesterday (the JD is already up to its ears in News Corp bribes to UK cops n’ Russian billboards) when they published a bunker-busting exposé about Wal-Mart bribing everybody they could in Meheeco (~ $24 million) in order to build their dime-store empire under the volcanoz. Oh who cares, right? It’s just a little mantequilla to grease the wheels of commerce for Los Creadores de Empleo. And while Wal-Mart brags a lot about all the jobs they create in Mexico, in 2007 the Daily Beast revealed that Wal-Mart de Mexico had 19,000 teenagers (between 14 and 16 years old) working for them as grocery baggers for nada. Wal-Mart said, “Yeah? So?” and the world turned over, farted and went back to sleep. Pinches pendejos. Read more on Wal-Mart de Mexico Flips a Peso: Bribes or Baggers? Bribes Win…
  visions of america

A Children’s Treasury of Sincere Comments Praising Wal-Mart

Last week we mentioned that a half-dozen heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune own more than the 100,000,000 Americans at the wrong end of the U.S. Pyramid of Poverty, which is gigantic on the bottom and narrow in the middle and just a teeny tiny point on the top that controls all the wealth in this irredeemably corrupt welfare-capitalism police state of desperate, insane “consumers.” We also noted that one of the heiresses to this outrageous stockpile of American wealth has been throwing around about a billion dollars to construct and fill up a vulgar Fine Art museum in Arkansas, in a ditch behind the Wal-Mart headquarters. Within a few days, we began finding lots and lots of pro-Wal-Mart comments from people who have never commented on Wonkette before. It’s a Festivus miracle! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Sincere Comments Praising Wal-Mart…
  #occupywalmart

Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol

Here is a number we’ve seen bouncing around this week that really makes us want to fire up the old Yule Log, in the sense that the “Yule Log” is a tightly bound human centipede of the richest hundred humans in America, lit on fire: The six heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune have about $93 billion between them, more money and financial assets than the combined 100,000,000 Americans at the bottom of our crushing economic system. With half of all Americans now officially poor or “near poor” — which is somehow worse than plain poverty, as “near poor” means you don’t qualify for the minimal safety net this country generously offers some of its most desperate people — it is not a complete surprise that the rich must be very rich indeed these days. But the idea of six heirs to a corporate fortune built upon the destruction of American manufacturing, American small business and the American working class owning more than 30% of the entire nation, well that is the kind of thing that makes us think of Charles Dickens, and the holiday of abject misery and constant war against the impoverished called “Christmastime.” Read more on Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol…
  keep voting republican

Wal-Mart Shoppers Now Completely Out of Money

Crap merchant Wal-Mart has watched shoppers flee its grim aisles in increasing numbers for the past two years — seven straight quarters of declining sales. So what happened to this glorious monument of American Exceptionalism in the late 20th Century found on the honky-tonk mini-mall edge of every Nowhere Town, USA? Why did working/lower/starving class people stop cashing their paychecks in exchange for $24.99 Chinese DVD players and frozen slabs of factory-murdered meat? Oh right, the global financial collapse/Great Recession/End of the American Economic System of attacks on labor/redistribution of wealth to the richest 0.01%. That’s what happened. There are no paychecks anymore. Read more on Wal-Mart Shoppers Now Completely Out of Money…
  soft bigotry of low expectations

Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.

The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! Read more on Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C….
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Communist Army Invades Wal-Mart

The president of China was in town last week, and the Obamas had a fancy-shmancy dinner and invited all their favorite Chinese people, like Michelle Kwan and B.D. Wong. There was lobster and apple pie and no John Boehner, so it was probably very lovely, no? Wrong! First of all, the representation from Hollywood included Yo-Yo Ma and Barbara Streisand — boring! If the Obamas were really keeping up with the 21st century they would have invited Justin Bieber and the Kardashians! But more importantly, Michelle Obama wore a red dress, so bring your American flags to the nearest trash can fire and start practicing how to say “birth certificate” and “9/11″ in Chinese because it’s all over. Even Wal-Mart is giving up being American. Read more on Michelle Obama’s Communist Army Invades Wal-Mart…
  the american dream

Crazed Mob Stomps Wal-Mart Worker To Death

Thanksgiving is the day Americans very briefly pretend to be civilized family people as they gather around a table covered in once-a-year homemade food. The day after Thanksgiving — Black Friday — is when Americans return to their real selves. At 5 a.m. today, outside a Long Island Wal-Mart, a crazed mob busted through the doors and crushed a 34-year-old temporary employee. He died. Four lunatics were injured. [Reuters] Read more on Crazed Mob Stomps Wal-Mart Worker To Death…
  rumors on the internets

Third Grade Is In The Tank

A New Mexican jihadist paintball terror squad caused nine-hundred and eleven 9/11s on the Straight Talk Express. [Marc Ambinder] Confused ironist Sarah Palin used the secret alias “Tina Fey” to check into a hotel. [Top of the Ticket] Read more on Third Grade Is In The Tank…
  wonkette interviews

EXCLUSIVE: Wonkette Interviews ‘Washington’s Only Wasillan,’ On Gchat

There’s a big VP debate watch party tomorrow night in Washington, D.C., at the James Hoban’s bar in Dupont Circle, and its guest of honor will be a gal named “Elizabeth.” Elizabeth, for those of you not IN-THE-KNOW, is the most famous celebrity in the world now, as she is “the only Wasilla resident living in Washington, DC.” Can you even imagine how rich she must be now? And yet, Elizabeth was kind enough to let your associate editor Gchat her in the middle of the day for an informal interview. Among other topics, we discuss Wasilla’s famed retail outlets, meth, moose guts, what Bristol Palin’s REALLY LIKE, and Palin’s years as Wasilla mayor. Does Elizabeth like her hometown VP candidate? Well, here’s a hint: this party tomorrow night is doubling as an Obama fundraiser. Interview below! Read more on EXCLUSIVE: Wonkette Interviews ‘Washington’s Only Wasillan,’ On Gchat…
 

Angry Obama Finally Learns To Use ‘Code Words’!

We should all thank the nation’s first black president, Bill Clinton, for one thing tonight: getting that whiny runt Obama to learn the use of “code words,” a great tool for defeating Republicans. MAYBE THIS IS BILL’S STRATEGY? Read more on Angry Obama Finally Learns To Use ‘Code Words’!…
 

Terrorists Tire of Iraq, Attack U.S. Wal-Mart

Finally, the terrorists have figured out the whole “fight them over there so we don’t fight them at home” strategy and started blowing up Wal-Marts with pool chemicals. Unfortunately for the Islamo-Fascist Global Caliphate, it appears these domestic terrorists are mostly interested in shoving toys down their pants: Read more on Terrorists Tire of Iraq, Attack U.S. Wal-Mart…
 

Rumors On The Internets: The Lucky Punk Inside Us All

Clint Eastwood knows that if George Allen was on that Iwo Jima hill he would’ve made sure it was the stars ‘n stripes flying, not the stars ‘n bars. Unless it was the ’70s, then whatever. [Hotline on Call] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: The Lucky Punk Inside Us All…