Tag Archives: wa food

  yeeeahhh french toast

Fighting Obesity With Sophisticated Lard

Were you worried about the fate of upscale donuts? True, in D.C., they already come topped with bacon, or dipped in gold and stuffed with foie gras and whatnot, but this will not suffice. There is SO much potential for these little round balls of sugar that offer no nutritional value! Are they being served out of a truck? We didn’t think so. But have no fear, as our top priority is thinking of ways to make the artery-clogging food eaten by Real Americans into something so absurdly gluttonous that it’s good enough for People Like Us, we now have donut french toast. For brunch! Read more on Fighting Obesity With Sophisticated Lard…
  what happens when innovation and salmon collide

When the Internet Isn’t Busy Starting Revolutions, It Delivers Sandwiches

Now that we’re all destined to become fat sacks of trash, it’s especially important that Washingtonians be able to easily access their beloved foodstuffs. Whereas in Real America, finding nutrient dense cow anus is as simple as following the sloshing sounds of jiggling fat to the nearest strip mall or drive-thru, finding semi-edible poison in D.C. can be slightly more challenging, as just four tiny snowflakes can render the entire city helpless. But the nation’s obesity epidemic will not thrive unless becoming fat is a joy everyone truly shares, and thanks to a new food delivery website, Washingtonians can now be equal participants in this march towards heart disease. Hooray! Read more on When the Internet Isn’t Busy Starting Revolutions, It Delivers Sandwiches…
  food/booze news!

Not Groundbreaking News: Americans Are Fat

Just eat less?: News alert: Because we are a nation of fat slobs, our government would like us to drink less sugar filled poison and stop eating spoonfuls of nitrates, lard and cat litter, even if it tastes good.  Which in D.C. translates to, maybe only have bacon covered donuts once a month? The superb journalists at The New York Times, ever eager to mock D.C., used the photo from their “D.C. sure is full of fat people” article as the photo for their article about these new dietary guidelines. Aww, thanks! [New York Times] Read more on Not Groundbreaking News: Americans Are Fat…
  America's Future

Celebrate America’s Newest National Holiday: Chinese New Year

In who knows how long (two, three years depending on Egypt?) our Chinese overlords will have complete control of America and only those who love pandas and have nimble fingers will survive. This is why it is essential that everyone chug some MSG and do some serious celebrating for the Chinese New Year, now America’s New Year, on Thursday. If all goes well, the holiday will get to be a part of the great American tradition of enjoying the food and alcohol of another culture on their special day without having to actually associate with the ethnic group. Gung Hey Fat Choy: Make your reservations now. Read more on Celebrate America’s Newest National Holiday: Chinese New Year…
  food/booze news!

Winning the Future: Beer and Liquor Edition

Wednesday, January 26: SOTU hangover? You want more Facebook and salmon? Alcohol is known to breed innovation, so GET OUT OF YOUR HAMMOCK and start drinking. Try Recessions, where drinks are half off every week night from 5-8PM. And thanks to D.C.’s inability to handle snow, the government would like you to head there right now. [Recessions DC, OPM] Read more on Winning the Future: Beer and Liquor Edition…
  the time has come

DC’s Other Christmas: It’s State of the Union Time

The State of the Union address is tonight! Hooray! It’s been a whole year since Obama screamed TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS and swore that we could all live in bipartisan glory. But this spectacle remains a favorite of Washingtonians who love any excuse to drink, talk politics and sound smarter than their friends. The platters have been ordered from Whole Foods, the rules have been set for the drinking game (THAT WAS CIVIL! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!), a Kennedy relative recently passed away: it’s State of the Union time. Read more on DC’s Other Christmas: It’s State of the Union Time…
  there can't always be pig

DC Has Crawfish, NYC Does Not

Here’s a tale you can tell your grandkids when they ask you what it was like to live in D.C. during the Chinese occupation: You can tell them that a restaurant made famous thanks to the eating habits of a fat man on the teevee — Hot N Juicy Crawfish — decided to open up its second location right here in our little liberal oasis! See, the teevee is good for something! Doesn’t the crawfish look so tasty? Read more on DC Has Crawfish, NYC Does Not…
  food/booze news!

It Was Only A Matter Of Time Before You Were Drinking With Your iPhone

Wednesday, January 19: The news that America is fated to become a Nation of Whores couldn’t have come at a better time for Washingtonians: Tonight you can attend the “How To Be Successful at Internet Dating” event at MadHatter. There you will learn how to maximize your online dating presence, the mysterious art of “meeting someone in person” (Maybe don’t have your first date be an early morning jog through Rock Creek park followed by drinks at the Black Squirrel?) as well as other key tricks to using the internet to increase your economic viability/find love in D.C. [GregsList DC] Read more on It Was Only A Matter Of Time Before You Were Drinking With Your iPhone…
  new york still doesn't care

Tales In New York-ification: U Street Has a New Beer Dispenser

Oh hey there, kids. Your Wonkabout disappeared for about a month or so to go to Thailand, but she’s now back at Wonkette Headquarters. What important developments happened in D.C. during her absence? H Street’s white people transporter was discontinued, the Washington Post proudly proclaimed that the “New York-ification” of the District is just beginning (!), and pork can now be consumed with even more ease at a shiny new bar on U Street. Read more on Tales In New York-ification: U Street Has a New Beer Dispenser…
  hipsters or douchebags?

Happy New Year, Washington (Be Nice To Your Liver!)

Because everyone spent 2010 impoverished and hungry, watching luscious BP oil spill into the Gulf and belittling America by enjoying a sport loved by Latinos, New Year’s festivities this year may be a little less exciting. But as 2010 could very well be the last year America can even afford to have its own New Year’s celebration, there’s no sense in skipping the parties this year. May 2011 be the year you drink like you have preexisting condition, love like you’re gay in the military and fall back in love with our Kenyan Master. Hello, 2011! Read more on Happy New Year, Washington (Be Nice To Your Liver!)…
  food/booze news!

D.C. Sans People: A Christmas Miracle!

Wednesday, December 22: The best thing about spending the days before Christmas in D.C. is that no one is here (including those who probably should still be here, to pass bills and such). The city is so pleasant and empty, making it the ideal time to go bars that would normally be teeming with people. Try the Blue Banana in Petworth. It’s a sports bar that may come with a side of hookers, but hey, they’re having an open bar tonight from 8 to 9PM, and tomorrow beer is half price all night. [The Blue Banana] Read more on D.C. Sans People: A Christmas Miracle!…
  new year's resolutions

Make the Most Out of 2011 Before It All Goes to Hell

Thanks to all the limbless gay soldiers, 2011 could very well be the last full year our great earth exists. It’s a shame, really, considering how much we’ve invested in soldiers (even the gay ones) over the years. It’s also the year when D.C. will become One and we’ll have to say goodbye to dedicated bike lanes, wine bars, food trucks, et cetera, and so forth. It has Been Written that 2012 is The End, so we guess the only appropriate thing to do is make the best out of whatever 2011 we get. Unless we realize we’re all limbless gay soldiers who hate wine bars anyway? Read more on Make the Most Out of 2011 Before It All Goes to Hell…
  seasonal activities for christians & jews

Gratuitous Celebrations of Jesus

For most Americans, Christmas is that special time when you gather your remaining pennies, find your way to the local 7-Eleven to finish your Christmas shopping and pray that, when you return home, the Baby Jesus left a job/house/car under your tree. But if you live in Washington, D.C. — a city that was just proclaimed to be wealthiest and most educated in the nation — there’s nothing like Christmas! It’s been Christmas since Halloween, but now it’s really actually almost Christmas. So go out and spend money, D.C., yes? Read more on Gratuitous Celebrations of Jesus…
  food/booze news!

A Booze-Filled Countdown To Jesus’s Birth

Thursday, December 16: Generation Obama-D.C. seems to have missed the part where Obama turned Republican and told his minions that he no longer loves them: At what could be the least merry holiday party EVER, they will be gathering to celebrate Progress (pass out resumes) at Hawk ‘n Dove on Thursday night from 6-9PM. $5. [“Celebrate The Progress” Happy Hour on Capitol Hill] Read more on A Booze-Filled Countdown To Jesus’s Birth…
  because it may not get any better

Post-Tax-Cut-Deal D.C. Winter Survival Guide

With Pissed-Off Obama desiring to completely alienate his base, it’s only a matter of time before we’re forced to start compromising everything we believe in. Soon Washingtonians will be eating turkey bacon and healthy foodstuffs, and maybe even feeling the recession. You may now enter your basement and not leave it for (at least) another two years. While you’re down there, try to survive off your basil plant and life-time supply of PBR; but if you can’t, it is possible to have foodstuffs delivered to you, at your door: Read more on Post-Tax-Cut-Deal D.C. Winter Survival Guide…
  but it tastes so good

New York Beats D.C. With a Fat Stick

The New York Times did some superb journalism and wrote yet another article about how D.C. is all growed up! What did they focus on this time? That gay people live in D.C.? That a group of 20-somethings effectively run the government from their condos in Logan Circle? That white people live where black people once did? Not this time. This time their excellent reporting led them to the conclusion that D.C. is a city of fat slobs. Read more on New York Beats D.C. With a Fat Stick…
  food/booze news!

We’ll Wait For You, Obama (and Drink In the Meantime)

Wednesday, December 8: Obama loved the D.C. restaurant scene and would devour our rich-people hamburgers and gourmet junk food whenever he could. But just because the new Obama doesn’t want to have anything more to do with the silly intellectuals who came to D.C. for him and created a city in his image doesn’t mean you can’t be your sanctimonious self and drink to your favorite ideologies at any of D.C.’s liberal havens. Try Local 16: their happy hour goes until 8PM and their roof deck is heated. [Local 16] Read more on We’ll Wait For You, Obama (and Drink In the Meantime)…
  two for me and none for you

‘Tis the Season To Self-Indulge

Oh goody! Even if most of the country is currently sitting on the edge of their seats, wondering if they’ll be able to afford Ramen or chickpeas for Christmas Dinner, at least self-gifting is on the rise in famed not-America Washington, D.C. Hooray! There really has never been a better time to be rich/want a flat screen teevee. And, if Obama’s Great Compromise means that the rich will have more money than one can ever really spend, well then, it’s time to get spending in the District. Read more on ‘Tis the Season To Self-Indulge…
  pass the nitrates

Crossing the Final Meat Frontier

Back in the day, the brave people who ate hot dogs in D.C. were only the tourists who purchased them from stands near the Mall, after a tiring day of erratically circling monuments and bumping into people. But these days are FINALLY over. While the rest of America is permanently starving/unemployed and chugs along on motorized scooters, no Washingtonian will ever have to eat these thin tubes of nitrates in such unfortunate conditions ever again: enter the gourmet hot dog restaurant. Read more on Crossing the Final Meat Frontier…
  food/booze news!

Turns Out There Is Something Yuppies Won’t Overpay For: Cereal

Wednesday, December 1: Because last week an ancient ex-Nazi declared that condoms are kinda sorta okay, this could very well be the BEST World AIDS Day ever. Congratulate AIDS on another successful year of causing much death by attending a cocktail benefit for the Whitman-Walker Clinic at the wine bar Urbana. Admission is $10 and includes a free drink. [GregsListDC] Read more on Turns Out There Is Something Yuppies Won’t Overpay For: Cereal…
  what would jesus do?

Early Jewish Christmas Has Jews Very Confused

Hanukkah/Chaunkkah, the ancient Hebrew celebration of Christmas, has decided to come early this year — which is strange because baby Jeebus’ birthday isn’t for another four weeks. Now Jews everywhere are going to be confused and will have to get in the Festive Spirit even though it doesn’t quite feel like Christmas yet. Oh, well. So, what do all the Jewish boys and girls in D.C. want for Fake Christmas this year? Free latkes and David Frum, of course. Read more on Early Jewish Christmas Has Jews Very Confused…
  turkey time in washington

Avoid a Very Anal Thanksgiving By Staying In DC

Let’s weigh your options for this Thanksgiving holiday: There’s either subjecting yourself to the TSA’s new fingering policy or NOT GOING ANYWHERE. If America’s Top Molesting Force is insisting that it’s necessary to see everybody naked, and forbidding the transport of cranberry sauce unless it’s out of reach of anal probing, then this is the time when you should be thanking Obama for taking all your monies so you couldn’t afford that ticket home. Do you need a better reason to enjoy your socialist day of giving thanks and to eat whatever meager portions you can afford from right where you are? Read more on Avoid a Very Anal Thanksgiving By Staying In DC…