wa food

Were you worried about the fate of upscale donuts? True, in D.C., they already come topped with bacon, or dipped in gold and stuffed with foie gras and whatnot, but this will not suffice. There is SO much potential for these little round balls of sugar that offer no nutritional value! Are they being served […]

Now that we’re all destined to become fat sacks of trash, it’s especially important that Washingtonians be able to easily access their beloved foodstuffs. Whereas in Real America, finding nutrient dense cow anus is as simple as following the sloshing sounds of jiggling fat to the nearest strip mall or drive-thru, finding semi-edible poison in […]

Just eat less?: News alert: Because we are a nation of fat slobs, our government would like us to drink less sugar filled poison and stop eating spoonfuls of nitrates, lard and cat litter, even if it tastes good.  Which in D.C. translates to, maybe only have bacon covered donuts once a month? The superb […]

In who knows how long (two, three years depending on Egypt?) our Chinese overlords will have complete control of America and only those who love pandas and have nimble fingers will survive. This is why it is essential that everyone chug some MSG and do some serious celebrating for the Chinese New Year, now America’s […]

Wednesday, January 26: SOTU hangover? You want more Facebook and salmon? Alcohol is known to breed innovation, so GET OUT OF YOUR HAMMOCK and start drinking. Try Recessions, where drinks are half off every week night from 5-8PM. And thanks to D.C.’s inability to handle snow, the government would like you to head there right now. […]

The State of the Union address is tonight! Hooray! It’s been a whole year since Obama screamed TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS and swore that we could all live in bipartisan glory. But this spectacle remains a favorite of Washingtonians who love any excuse to drink, talk politics and sound smarter than their friends. The platters have been ordered […]

Here’s a tale you can tell your grandkids when they ask you what it was like to live in D.C. during the Chinese occupation: You can tell them that a restaurant made famous thanks to the eating habits of a fat man on the teevee — Hot N Juicy Crawfish — decided to open up […]

Wednesday, January 19: The news that America is fated to become a Nation of Whores couldn’t have come at a better time for Washingtonians: Tonight you can attend the “How To Be Successful at Internet Dating” event at MadHatter. There you will learn how to maximize your online dating presence, the mysterious art of “meeting […]

Oh hey there, kids. Your Wonkabout disappeared for about a month or so to go to Thailand, but she’s now back at Wonkette Headquarters. What important developments happened in D.C. during her absence? H Street’s white people transporter was discontinued, the Washington Post proudly proclaimed that the “New York-ification” of the District is just beginning […]

Because everyone spent 2010 impoverished and hungry, watching luscious BP oil spill into the Gulf and belittling America by enjoying a sport loved by Latinos, New Year’s festivities this year may be a little less exciting. But as 2010 could very well be the last year America can even afford to have its own New Year’s celebration, there’s no […]

Wednesday, December 22: The best thing about spending the days before Christmas in D.C. is that no one is here (including those who probably should still be here, to pass bills and such). The city is so pleasant and empty, making it the ideal time to go bars that would normally be teeming with people. […]

Thanks to all the limbless gay soldiers, 2011 could very well be the last full year our great earth exists. It’s a shame, really, considering how much we’ve invested in soldiers (even the gay ones) over the years. It’s also the year when D.C. will become One and we’ll have to say goodbye to dedicated bike […]

For most Americans, Christmas is that special time when you gather your remaining pennies, find your way to the local 7-Eleven to finish your Christmas shopping and pray that, when you return home, the Baby Jesus left a job/house/car under your tree. But if you live in Washington, D.C. — a city that was just […]

Thursday, December 16: Generation Obama-D.C. seems to have missed the part where Obama turned Republican and told his minions that he no longer loves them: At what could be the least merry holiday party EVER, they will be gathering to celebrate Progress (pass out resumes) at Hawk ‘n Dove on Thursday night from 6-9PM. $5. […]

With Pissed-Off Obama desiring to completely alienate his base, it’s only a matter of time before we’re forced to start compromising everything we believe in. Soon Washingtonians will be eating turkey bacon and healthy foodstuffs, and maybe even feeling the recession. You may now enter your basement and not leave it for (at least) another […]