Hey, you bunch of socialist acorns, did you know you have to register to vote, in many states, before you can show up and vote on November 4, for the terrorists? This is what Barack Obama just told your editor and everybody else who signed up for that Veep Announcement text alert nine years ago. In California and Washington (state) and Utah and various other states including Kansas and South Dakota, today’s your last day to register, hippie! MORE »

• Hey you teenagers with your HOPE Word Art “screen savers,” today’s the last day to register to vote in all the states in which such a thing would matter. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Jeffrey Toobin is the only person left in America with a job, and yet he would rather watch a baseball game on his laptop than pretend to think seriously about anything Sarah Palin read off an index card at the debate. [Gizmodo]
• McCain might raise a White Flag Of Defeat in Pennsylvania, which is racist. [Top of the Ticket]
• The GOP is trying to make it as difficult as possible for the three black people in Indiana — one of whom is Obama, campaigning — to vote. [TPMMuckraker]
• McCain’s Action! Comeback Plan includes highlighting Obama’s filthy terrorism fetish, something about gang-bangs/crack, and pointing out how Obama raised taxes 94 times, one time for each of his clandestine illegitimate black children with Bill Ayers. [Marc Ambinder]

Every four years, a mysterious combination of negligence, incompetence, fraud, and criminality conspire to make a single state responsible for getting some doofus into the White House. In 2000, Florida took the honor; in 2004, it was Ohio. And every four years, Hendrik Hertzberg writes angry editorials about how the whole electoral college should be bombed from space as a Republican takes office yet again. So which state will we be able to blame when Sarah Palin is hastily sworn in as America’s 45th president after John McCain expires from gout and agues in the spring of 2009? MORE »

A Wonkette Refuse Desposal Spy sends us this snap taken while biking through beautiful Lisbon, Iowa recently during the RAGBRAI, which is Iowan for “bicycle ride.” Bikers and volunteers were asked to vote for president by throwing stuff in the dumpster for the earnest young Egyptian man or the sinister one-eyed albino villain. The fellow on the left won by a three-to-one margin, which is why Barack Obama is President of Iowa. [City of Lisbon]

The American Kennel Club wants to know what kind of dog you think the Obama family should get once they are all elected president. The two youngest President Obamas, Malia and Sasha, have Elitest allergies so they will need a fancy hypoallergenic dog instead of a nice old mutt from the D.C. pound who would love them forever for springing it from Dog Prison. MORE »

Jenna Bush loves planning her wedding and walking around with feed sacks, but there’s one thing she might not love so much: John McCain. In a shocking appearance with her mother on Larry King Live, she allowed as how she might not be voting for a Republican in the fall. Her incendiary remarks, after the jump! MORE »

Here is a ballot from Pennsylvania. If this is a true thing — it comes from popular libtard discussion board Democratic Underground, so who the hell knows — then Hillary Clinton will for sure win this particular county. Good work, Hilz! And there are other “voting irregularities,” too! MORE »

It has been six long, terrible weeks since the last primary, and since then Elliot Spitzer resigned for schtupping a hooker, Barack Obama explained to the world why Jeremiah Wright didn’t wear a flag pin on his lapel, and Hillary Clinton bombed Bosnia. Because many of you are a little rusty on how these “primary” things work, we’ve got a few helpful tips for all those dorks who are actually trying to make sense of the poll results today. MORE »

The only British citizen of any distinction who supports Hillary Clinton is Elton John. The rest of the tea-swilling liberal Socialists in the tiny island nation of London would vote for Barack Obama if they could, and now even Americans living abroad are catching Obama Fever. In fact, several prominent Anglo-American celebrities have hosted various Obama fundraisers in their City of Ancient Plumbing! Find out which uppity former New Yorkers are now funding Hopey in pounds sterling. MORE »

Last night the American people shed many tears and blood and sweat as they tried to strangle the infant Democratic primary process in its crib, and alas they did not succeed, so there will be elections every day for the next four years. But we rejoice to see so many Wonkette readers who care so deeply that they sent us hilarious tales from the caucuses. Mind-numbing boredom, police intervention, and Clinton babes, after the jump. MORE »

Your brave Wonkette editor attended a real live Texas primacaucus, and after 1.25 hours of panic, mayhem, and kvetching old people, she emerges victorious to tell you that she almost changed her goddamn voter registration to whichever party it is that supports the dictators. Horrors and elementary school chair-flinging, after the jump!

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