Fred Voight, the adorably rosy-cheeked Deputy Election Commissioner of Philadelphia, says that antsy-pantsy voters need to just “get a life” and wait in the rain for hours and hours to vote on a single not-broken machine on election day. And then he’s all, “do not get your knickers in a twist, Philadelphia’s 5-to-1 Democratic, so we know how this election will go anyway.” He is the most refreshingly candid public official since Joe Biden. [American News Project]

*HEY, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO:* It’s the one day every four years that Floridians vote in primaries, and by tradition this means that voters are reporting “technical glitches” with voting machines. We hear that one of these complainers, that was actually not a human but a famous blimp, said that when it tried to vote for Ron Paul, the machine’s robotic Fascist-arms stuffed it in a black burlap sack and threw it to the bottom of Lake Okeechobee. [Orlando Sentinel]

According to reports in Horry (ahem) County, South Carolina — where Myrtle Beach is — voting machines have been hijacked by merciless corporates smoking Cuban cigars, eating children malfunctioning. And if the machines don’t work, and officials don’t have any paper ballots on hand, then officials take their phone numbers and call them when new ballots come in. John McCain relies on huge voter turnout given his appeal to independents, so naturally he’s released some bullshit statement. MORE »