Wonkette

A Wonkette Refuse Desposal Spy sends us this snap taken while biking through beautiful Lisbon, Iowa recently during the RAGBRAI, which is Iowan for “bicycle ride.” Bikers and volunteers were asked to vote for president by throwing stuff in the dumpster for the earnest young Egyptian man or the sinister one-eyed albino villain. The fellow on the left won by a three-to-one margin, which is why Barack Obama is President of Iowa. [City of Lisbon]

The American Kennel Club wants to know what kind of dog you think the Obama family should get once they are all elected president. The two youngest President Obamas, Malia and Sasha, have Elitest allergies so they will need a fancy hypoallergenic dog instead of a nice old mutt from the D.C. pound who would love them forever for springing it from Dog Prison. MORE »

Jenna Bush loves planning her wedding and walking around with feed sacks, but there’s one thing she might not love so much: John McCain. In a shocking appearance with her mother on Larry King Live, she allowed as how she might not be voting for a Republican in the fall. Her incendiary remarks, after the jump! MORE »

Here is a ballot from Pennsylvania. If this is a true thing — it comes from popular libtard discussion board Democratic Underground, so who the hell knows — then Hillary Clinton will for sure win this particular county. Good work, Hilz! And there are other “voting irregularities,” too! MORE »

It has been six long, terrible weeks since the last primary, and since then Elliot Spitzer resigned for schtupping a hooker, Barack Obama explained to the world why Jeremiah Wright didn’t wear a flag pin on his lapel, and Hillary Clinton bombed Bosnia. Because many of you are a little rusty on how these “primary” things work, we’ve got a few helpful tips for all those dorks who are actually trying to make sense of the poll results today. MORE »

The only British citizen of any distinction who supports Hillary Clinton is Elton John. The rest of the tea-swilling liberal Socialists in the tiny island nation of London would vote for Barack Obama if they could, and now even Americans living abroad are catching Obama Fever. In fact, several prominent Anglo-American celebrities have hosted various Obama fundraisers in their City of Ancient Plumbing! Find out which uppity former New Yorkers are now funding Hopey in pounds sterling. MORE »

Last night the American people shed many tears and blood and sweat as they tried to strangle the infant Democratic primary process in its crib, and alas they did not succeed, so there will be elections every day for the next four years. But we rejoice to see so many Wonkette readers who care so deeply that they sent us hilarious tales from the caucuses. Mind-numbing boredom, police intervention, and Clinton babes, after the jump. MORE »

Your brave Wonkette editor attended a real live Texas primacaucus, and after 1.25 hours of panic, mayhem, and kvetching old people, she emerges victorious to tell you that she almost changed her goddamn voter registration to whichever party it is that supports the dictators. Horrors and elementary school chair-flinging, after the jump!

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Worry not, nation: vote-related activities are going smoothly in certain parts of Texas, so far. The Austin American-Statesman reports that “there are lines everywhere” in Travis County, whose largest city, Austin, was home to the bathroom shaming of the Clinton press pool last night. Oh and another county’s election-related Web site is up again after crashing this morning under a massive 21,000 page visits. [Austin American Statesman]

Doomed presidential candidate Ron Paul is truly leading a movement, and the proof is in the massive turnouts he regularly achieves…and the tragically low number of people he is able to convert into actual voters. Last Saturday in Austin he held a rally of semi-historic proportions, gathering 4,000 people on the University of Texas campus to hear him rail against the criminal Federal Reserve. And that day, a whopping 54 people cast an early ballot on campus for a Republican presidential candidate. Assuming every one of those votes went to Dr. Paul, he will only need approximately eleventy zillion more rally-goers to clinch his party’s nomination. [Burnt Orange Report, Daily Texan]