The ACORNS Are Being Punished For Caring TOO MUCH About Our Fictional Foreign Child Prostitutes
Friday, September 11th, 2009
Two ACORNS were fired from their lucrative voter registration fraud racket after giving advice to hidden camera people who were only pretending to employ underage South American whores. GOTCHA. The rascally videographers are actually conservative activists, and they did not really want to know what sort of tax breaks they could get, or how to best keep their sex business secret from the Feds, or how to properly clean and care for their child hookers. It was simply a Ruse and now ACORN is so busted, for so many things. This was the crucial missing evidence needed to unarguably prove that Barack Obama was elected to the presidency solely with the support of fictional 13-year old El Salvadorian streetwalkers. [CNN]
Man, this guy! Remember Karl Rove, the doughy, evil clown who used direct mail to make George W. Bush the permanent dictator of America? He has good news for Republicans. They are poised on the precipice of a COMEBACK, a massive and extremely awesome comeback, because they keep winning seats in the South — a region which they have historically, uh, tended to win in! 
Every four years, a mysterious combination of negligence, incompetence, fraud, and criminality conspire to make a single state responsible for getting some doofus into the White House. In 2000, Florida took the honor; in 2004, it was Ohio. And every four years, Hendrik Hertzberg writes angry editorials about how the whole electoral college should be bombed from space as a Republican takes office yet again. So which state will we be able to blame when Sarah Palin is hastily sworn in as America’s 45th president after John McCain expires from gout and agues in the spring of 2009? 
Chaos reigned yesterday in Muncie, Indiana after a voter registration deputy viciously attacked a newspaper reporter. The reporter was interviewing a Ball State University student about last-minute voter registration applications when out of nowhere this crazed middle-aged douchebag named Will Statom said something horribly sarcastic to the reporter, so the reporter told him to shut up, and then the FISTS WERE FLYING because that is how they resolve political conflicts in hard-bitten Muncie. 
Every four years Democrats say they’re going to win elections by getting more young ‘uns and black people to vote, and every four years George Bush gets elected again. But this time will be different, says Barack Obama, because he is getting “folks” to register to vote and he will kick their asses if they don’t. 
Once upon a time, a brilliant young Yale Law graduate stood poised to bring new vigor, hope, and innovation to American politics — but 35 years of experience have compacted this idealistic upstart into a bejowled diamond of Hate. Want proof? As recently as 1992, Hillary Clinton was exchanging suspiciously human-sounding pleasantries with homeless people! 