Tag Archives: vladimir putin

  Ooh he mad!

Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!

We're guessing Perry looked a bit like this delivering his remarks.
Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn’t like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he’d set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump! Read more on Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!…
  how to secede without really trying

Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin

And don't let Oklahoma hit your ass on the way out
Turns out there’s a heck of a lot of support for Texas secession. Not so much in Texas — where, despite all Rick Perry’s talk of skedaddling, only about 18 percent of residents wanted to secede in 2009 — but in Russia, where there’s at least a lot of rhetorical support for Texas’s becoming America’s first Breakaway Republic. You sort of have to read Casey Michel’s wonderfully weird piece in Politico Magazine to believe it. Read more on Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel is running out of things to say. The former governor of Alaska published less than six full minutes of content this week, and her longest video (clocking in at 2:17) focused on a four-year-old tale about the muzzling of a conservative student newspaper at the University of Minnesota, blah blah blah, it is just the most boring story about “free speech” you have ever heard. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker

Look closely at the fear in Vladimir's eyes.
Greetings of day to you, illiterate Western scum! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am happy to make speaking to you again here on Wonkette dot com! You have all recovered from watching of decadent movie award show, yes? Very political show this year, with talk of all the black men you have in prison and women you do not pay money to and such. Very embarrassing. At Russian Oscars, Mr. John Legend and Ms. Patricia Arquette would have been dragged out behind theater and been shot. Along with director who did not cut their microphones. Technicians who hooked up microphones. Cameramen who did not pan cameras away. Entire audience that applauded … you get picture. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore

Let Vladimir help you relax.
“Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best if our bear just sat still. Maybe he should stop chasing pigs and boars around the taiga but start picking berries and eating honey. Maybe then he will be left alone. But no, he won’t be! Because someone will always try to chain him up. As soon as he’s chained they will tear out his teeth and claws. In this analogy, I am referring to the power of nuclear deterrence.” — Vladimir Putin in speech to journalists in Moscow on Dec. 18. Hello again, Zionist puppets of diseased American oligarchy! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, wish to extend greetings of the season to you. It is beautiful time of year, when the West gorges on fruitcakes and candies while citizens make ostentatious gifts of useless trinkets and PlayStations. Christmas — it is fuel in engine to keep capitalism on road for another year. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)

she has that 'This is so stupid I 'm delighted' smile again
On Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Vladimir Putin is quite happy with how his life is going, telling the Russian press that, following his divorce earlier this year, “I have love in my life. I love and am loved.” Isn’t that sweet? And it turns out that he wasn’t even talking about the guys at Fox News who have such a stiffy for his manly, take-charge style of governance, which they wish our mom-jeans-wearing wimp of a president would learn from (because then they could really accuse him of tyranny). Maddow delighted her liberal-arts graduate audience by wondering at the right’s “strange love song for J. Alfred Putin.” They sure do love themselves some “Mmmm, Vladimir!” Read more on Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

How Irresponsible Is Putin? Let’s Ask This Russian Guy Who Embezzled a Billion Dollars

Like all karate black belts, Vladimir Putin is incapable of anticipating anything. He’s “not someone who sets strategic plans; he lives today.” He’s as unpredictable as a menopausal woman [no offense, Mom – Riley]. Sometimes he even barricades himself in his Kremlin nuclear fallout shelter for hours on end, snacking on buckets of tasty popcorn shrimps as he watches Bridget Jones’s Diary over and over again. Read more on How Irresponsible Is Putin? Let’s Ask This Russian Guy Who Embezzled a Billion Dollars…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Will Putin Spend Retirement Sunbathing In Miami With All The Other Airplane Murderers?

Cheer up, Vlad. Being accused of blowing up an airplane isn’t the end of the world. Worst case scenario, you can always move to Florida. Just ask CIA-trained terrorist Luis Posada Carriles, who managed to escape from prison while on trial in Venezuela for dynamiting a Cuban airliner, killing all 78 people on board. After various zany adventures – including a stint in Panamanian prison for different, non-airplane related terrorism – Carriles eventually arrived in sunny Miami in 2005, where he has “slept like a baby” ever since — when he wasn’t marching in Cuban Patriot parades with Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. Read more on Will Putin Spend Retirement Sunbathing In Miami With All The Other Airplane Murderers?…
  Maybe The Russians Are Just Breathing Hard

Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Jack Davis illustrated everything, especially MAD magazine?
Now that we’ve beaten Ebola (not in the world, but in America, so we can go back to ignoring dying Africans) and fears of ISIS taking over our delis seem to be waning, we need another jolt straight to the amygdala’s fear centers. Retro almost always goes over well, so how about getting scared about Russia again? Read more on Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!…
  letter from beijing

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Macking Way Through Far East

You cannot resist Vladimir.
Greetings, dissolute Western offal! It is I, Vladimir Putin, here again to speak on your Wonkette, to cheer you while you slog through charred hellscape of end-stage capitalism that is America. Please to quit moping over tiny paychecks in your shrinking middle-class jobs and pay attention. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Macking Way Through Far East…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Ukrainian Nazis Seem Nice

Has Putin no shame?
The conflict in East Ukraine is “a choice between civilization and barbarism,” warns Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko, obviously alluding to the Associated Press photograph of “a Ukrainian volunteer soldier, with emblems of WWII SS Galician division.” What was once described as a poor choice of Halloween costume by Prince Harry is now in vogue with celebrated government forces participating in Ukraine’s Anti-Terror Operation. Incredible, that only a few years ago, Nazi emblems and the people who wore them were under the cloud of critical disapproval – what is posterity? Or “civilization,” for that matter? Read more on Ukrainian Nazis Seem Nice…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe for you once again, now that Communist President Obama has, how you say, “taken care of” Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the Russian people welcome you stay long as you like. If you are sick-home and need American face, though, perhaps you and other honored Russian guest Mr. Edward Snowden can get together for light beers and racquetball. Please to contact glorious Russian security services — er, please excuse, I mean glorious Russian foreign national outreach agency –- to set up meeting. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!…
  time to ramble on

Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please

And she never washed her hand again.
Ah, fall in New York City! There is a chill in the air, a nip that can invigorate the soul as one sits in a favorite saloon, sipping a mug of one’s favorite whiskey fortified with a generous dollop of coffee, if one is so inclined to while away an afternoon in this fashion. An afternoon leading into an evening, a night, and then the following morning, even. Read more on Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please…
  everybody freak out!

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of Greg Gutfeld and Kimberly Guilfoyle shrieking in terror over a supposed plague of Muslim terrorists with Western passports like ether-addled monkeys in a product-testing lab. The amounts of side-eye these two must shoot at every falafel cart vendor in New York could probably run the city’s power grid for a hundred years, or until the caliphate is established, whichever comes first. Read more on Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)

Here’s Jon Stewart, giving us both of the plausible scenarios in last week’s downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17: maybe it was shot down by poorly-trained pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine, using surface-to-air missiles provided by Russia. Or there’s the other possibility, floated by those Russian separatists: the plane was loaded with corpses and then made to crash, and the government of the Netherlands is merely pretending that a lot of its citizens were killed to make the separatists in Ukraine look bad, because you know how those Dutch are. And just to sum up what a weird world we live in, Malaysia Airlines now routes its flights from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur over a less dangerous place: Syria. Read more on Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)…
  soul proprietorship

Old Handsome Joe Biden Looked In Putin’s Eyes, Saw No Soul; Spring Delayed Six Weeks

Oh, well tht would explain what happened.
There’s a big chewy profile of Old Handsome Joe Biden in the New Yorker today, and the pull quote that everyone’s repeating is Biden’s riff on George W. Bush’s soul-reading performance in 2001, when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and got “a sense of his soul.” Biden tells New Yorker reporter Evan Osnos this anecdote about meeting Putin in 2011, which we have no reason to think isn’t 100% gospel truth: “As I turned, I was this close to him.” Biden held his hand a few inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’ ” “You said that?” I asked. It sounded like a movie line. “Absolutely, positively,” Biden said, and continued, “And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’ ” Biden sat back, and said, “This is who this guy is!” Strangely, no one has yet gone to press with the news that Joe Biden is a filthy atheist. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Looked In Putin’s Eyes, Saw No Soul; Spring Delayed Six Weeks…