Tag Archives: vladimir putin

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel is running out of things to say. The former governor of Alaska published less than six full minutes of content this week, and her longest video (clocking in at 2:17) focused on a four-year-old tale about the muzzling of a conservative student newspaper at the University of Minnesota, blah blah blah, it is just the most boring story about “free speech” you have ever heard. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker

Look closely at the fear in Vladimir's eyes.
Greetings of day to you, illiterate Western scum! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am happy to make speaking to you again here on Wonkette dot com! You have all recovered from watching of decadent movie award show, yes? Very political show this year, with talk of all the black men you have in prison and women you do not pay money to and such. Very embarrassing. At Russian Oscars, Mr. John Legend and Ms. Patricia Arquette would have been dragged out behind theater and been shot. Along with director who did not cut their microphones. Technicians who hooked up microphones. Cameramen who did not pan cameras away. Entire audience that applauded … you get picture. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore

Let Vladimir help you relax.
“Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best if our bear just sat still. Maybe he should stop chasing pigs and boars around the taiga but start picking berries and eating honey. Maybe then he will be left alone. But no, he won’t be! Because someone will always try to chain him up. As soon as he’s chained they will tear out his teeth and claws. In this analogy, I am referring to the power of nuclear deterrence.” — Vladimir Putin in speech to journalists in Moscow on Dec. 18. Hello again, Zionist puppets of diseased American oligarchy! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, wish to extend greetings of the season to you. It is beautiful time of year, when the West gorges on fruitcakes and candies while citizens make ostentatious gifts of useless trinkets and PlayStations. Christmas — it is fuel in engine to keep capitalism on road for another year. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)

she has that 'This is so stupid I 'm delighted' smile again
On Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Vladimir Putin is quite happy with how his life is going, telling the Russian press that, following his divorce earlier this year, “I have love in my life. I love and am loved.” Isn’t that sweet? And it turns out that he wasn’t even talking about the guys at Fox News who have such a stiffy for his manly, take-charge style of governance, which they wish our mom-jeans-wearing wimp of a president would learn from (because then they could really accuse him of tyranny). Maddow delighted her liberal-arts graduate audience by wondering at the right’s “strange love song for J. Alfred Putin.” They sure do love themselves some “Mmmm, Vladimir!” Read more on Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

How Irresponsible Is Putin? Let’s Ask This Russian Guy Who Embezzled a Billion Dollars

Like all karate black belts, Vladimir Putin is incapable of anticipating anything. He’s “not someone who sets strategic plans; he lives today.” He’s as unpredictable as a menopausal woman [no offense, Mom – Riley]. Sometimes he even barricades himself in his Kremlin nuclear fallout shelter for hours on end, snacking on buckets of tasty popcorn shrimps as he watches Bridget Jones’s Diary over and over again. Read more on How Irresponsible Is Putin? Let’s Ask This Russian Guy Who Embezzled a Billion Dollars…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Will Putin Spend Retirement Sunbathing In Miami With All The Other Airplane Murderers?

Cheer up, Vlad. Being accused of blowing up an airplane isn’t the end of the world. Worst case scenario, you can always move to Florida. Just ask CIA-trained terrorist Luis Posada Carriles, who managed to escape from prison while on trial in Venezuela for dynamiting a Cuban airliner, killing all 78 people on board. After various zany adventures – including a stint in Panamanian prison for different, non-airplane related terrorism – Carriles eventually arrived in sunny Miami in 2005, where he has “slept like a baby” ever since — when he wasn’t marching in Cuban Patriot parades with Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. Read more on Will Putin Spend Retirement Sunbathing In Miami With All The Other Airplane Murderers?…
  Maybe The Russians Are Just Breathing Hard

Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Jack Davis illustrated everything, especially MAD magazine?
Now that we’ve beaten Ebola (not in the world, but in America, so we can go back to ignoring dying Africans) and fears of ISIS taking over our delis seem to be waning, we need another jolt straight to the amygdala’s fear centers. Retro almost always goes over well, so how about getting scared about Russia again? Read more on Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!…
  letter from beijing

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Macking Way Through Far East

You cannot resist Vladimir.
Greetings, dissolute Western offal! It is I, Vladimir Putin, here again to speak on your Wonkette, to cheer you while you slog through charred hellscape of end-stage capitalism that is America. Please to quit moping over tiny paychecks in your shrinking middle-class jobs and pay attention. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Macking Way Through Far East…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Ukrainian Nazis Seem Nice

Has Putin no shame?
The conflict in East Ukraine is “a choice between civilization and barbarism,” warns Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko, obviously alluding to the Associated Press photograph of “a Ukrainian volunteer soldier, with emblems of WWII SS Galician division.” What was once described as a poor choice of Halloween costume by Prince Harry is now in vogue with celebrated government forces participating in Ukraine’s Anti-Terror Operation. Incredible, that only a few years ago, Nazi emblems and the people who wore them were under the cloud of critical disapproval – what is posterity? Or “civilization,” for that matter? Read more on Ukrainian Nazis Seem Nice…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe for you once again, now that Communist President Obama has, how you say, “taken care of” Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the Russian people welcome you stay long as you like. If you are sick-home and need American face, though, perhaps you and other honored Russian guest Mr. Edward Snowden can get together for light beers and racquetball. Please to contact glorious Russian security services — er, please excuse, I mean glorious Russian foreign national outreach agency –- to set up meeting. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!…
  time to ramble on

Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please

And she never washed her hand again.
Ah, fall in New York City! There is a chill in the air, a nip that can invigorate the soul as one sits in a favorite saloon, sipping a mug of one’s favorite whiskey fortified with a generous dollop of coffee, if one is so inclined to while away an afternoon in this fashion. An afternoon leading into an evening, a night, and then the following morning, even. Read more on Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please…
  everybody freak out!

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of Greg Gutfeld and Kimberly Guilfoyle shrieking in terror over a supposed plague of Muslim terrorists with Western passports like ether-addled monkeys in a product-testing lab. The amounts of side-eye these two must shoot at every falafel cart vendor in New York could probably run the city’s power grid for a hundred years, or until the caliphate is established, whichever comes first. Read more on Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)

Here’s Jon Stewart, giving us both of the plausible scenarios in last week’s downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17: maybe it was shot down by poorly-trained pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine, using surface-to-air missiles provided by Russia. Or there’s the other possibility, floated by those Russian separatists: the plane was loaded with corpses and then made to crash, and the government of the Netherlands is merely pretending that a lot of its citizens were killed to make the separatists in Ukraine look bad, because you know how those Dutch are. And just to sum up what a weird world we live in, Malaysia Airlines now routes its flights from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur over a less dangerous place: Syria. Read more on Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)…
  soul proprietorship

Old Handsome Joe Biden Looked In Putin’s Eyes, Saw No Soul; Spring Delayed Six Weeks

Oh, well tht would explain what happened.
There’s a big chewy profile of Old Handsome Joe Biden in the New Yorker today, and the pull quote that everyone’s repeating is Biden’s riff on George W. Bush’s soul-reading performance in 2001, when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and got “a sense of his soul.” Biden tells New Yorker reporter Evan Osnos this anecdote about meeting Putin in 2011, which we have no reason to think isn’t 100% gospel truth: “As I turned, I was this close to him.” Biden held his hand a few inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’ ” “You said that?” I asked. It sounded like a movie line. “Absolutely, positively,” Biden said, and continued, “And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’ ” Biden sat back, and said, “This is who this guy is!” Strangely, no one has yet gone to press with the news that Joe Biden is a filthy atheist. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Looked In Putin’s Eyes, Saw No Soul; Spring Delayed Six Weeks…
  thanks obama!

Remember That Time Ronald Reagan Shot Down An Iranian Airliner? That Was Awesome

when other countries do it, it's an atrocity. When we do it, it's a tragic mistake.
Following last week’s shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17, Fox News has been very busy criticizing Barack Obama for his completely insensitive actions in continuing on a fundraising tour, even though America’s national security was clearly at stake following the event (which may also have been just a distraction from the border crisis). After all, said the Foxies, Ronald Reagan didn’t go out on a fundraising tour when the USSR shot down a Korean Airlines 747 in 1983! He gave a very stern speech about the incident, which Fox showed clips of. Stupid Obama should have been more like Reagan, say Fox hosts like Megyn Kelly, Sean Hannity, and others. Which we suppose means that instead of immediately calling the Malaysian airliner shootdown an “outrage of unspeakable proportions,” Obama should have stayed on vacation for four days like Reagan did. Read more on Remember That Time Ronald Reagan Shot Down An Iranian Airliner? That Was Awesome…
  he reports we snide

Sky News Reporter Gives You Plane Crash News You Can Use By Ransacking Dead Child’s Luggage

Ever since the Malaysian airliner was shot down by a surface-to-air missile on Thursday, so very many people have used it as an opportunity to be terrible. See, for example, Wonkette hate favorite Bryan Fischer, who is pretty sure that it was awesome that a whole bunch of AIDS researchers were killed and also too why won’t Obama shut up about the damn gays? And let’s not even get started on every conservative explaining that Dead Ronald Reagan would have already flown to Russia and personally kissed or murdered Putin, whichever showed more strength and manliness. But in that race to the bottom, do not count out Sky News reporter Colin Brazier, who thought it was a lovely idea to rummage through the luggage of a victim of the crash live on television. Read more on Sky News Reporter Gives You Plane Crash News You Can Use By Ransacking Dead Child’s Luggage…
  fire up your conspiracy theories

Saddam Hussein Shoots Down Malaysian Airliner; Time To Invade Cuba

A Malaysia Air 777 has crashed, probably shot down by a ground-to-air missile, over eastern Ukraine today. We are still in the early “very little is confirmed” stages of this story, so get ready for all sorts of maybe-facts that are likely to become fodder for suspicion and conspiracy theories. At this point, it appears that Flight MH-17 from Amsterdam, headed for Kuala Lumpur, was downed by separatist militants using a truck-mounted missile which struck it at its cruising altitude of approximately 33,000 feet, and the crash site is about 25 miles to the west of the Russia-Ukraine border. 280 passengers and 15 crew were aboard. After the jump, we’ll have video and some idiocy from the web. Read more on Saddam Hussein Shoots Down Malaysian Airliner; Time To Invade Cuba…
  taste the rainbow

Russian Priest Discovers Shocking World Cup Secret: The Shoes Are Making Us All Gay

OK, we almost passed on writing this, because the whole thing just seems too good/bad to be true, too perfectly tailored for a good solid skewering by yr Wonkette. However, we haven’t found anything on the internet to debunk this bad boy, so we’re going in. Have you been enjoying your liberal elitist World Cup? With all the multiculturalism and the face-painting and the legitimately sexy haircuts, it’s no surprise that good God-fearing nations like Russia and Spain were knocked out early. And thank the lord above, because apparently sticking around too long means you will turn gay, mostly because you will no longer be able to resist the hypnotic homosexxyness of the brightly colored shoes the soccer players wear. See? We told you it was perfect. Read more on Russian Priest Discovers Shocking World Cup Secret: The Shoes Are Making Us All Gay…
  Putin on a show

Manly Studly Non-Mom-Jeans-Wearing Vladimir Putin Is Sexy Shirtless President Of Hockey

Whoa, Vladimir Putin! We already know he’s a manly man who can tame wild animals and annex any country’s territory at the drop of a hat, unlike our own president, Kunta Kenya, who wears mom jeans and eats his hamburgers with some kind of fancy mustard like a homo or a Frenchman (but we repeat ourselves). Also, our president likes basketball, which is only played by losers who can barely get through a year of college. Vladimir Putin plays hockey, which is a sport for men. Also, Putin is apparently some sort of hockey savant. He’s Wayne Gretzky, Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux and Alexander Ovechkin all rolled into one. The proof is this highlight reel of the Russian president scoring six goals and five assists in an exhibition game recently. Sure all the players skate slooooooooowly, and sure, no one really guards Putin or seems to make any attempt to hit him, because would you hit a guy who would probably have your entire family disappeared before you skated off the ice? But still, six goals and five assists! If Putin had played on the Russian team in the Sochi Olympics, that gold medal would be hanging in his office in the Kremlin for sure. Read more on Manly Studly Non-Mom-Jeans-Wearing Vladimir Putin Is Sexy Shirtless President Of Hockey…
  letter from moscow

Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin, Come To Talk At You Of Freedom Of Internet!

Greetings, diseased offal of Western capitalism! It is I, Vladimir Putin, here again to make the speaking to your Wonkette! Is most grateful privilege that I speak at you about most important news in Russia this week. More important than invasion of Ukraine, even! And is not invasion. We were invited. Yes, this is true! Many Russians in Ukraine have much fear and Ukraine government make much trouble, so they ask mighty Russian troops for help. We will stay just until Russian people feel safe. Then leave. Pinky swear! But is not what we talk about today, yes? Today I speak with you about important subject of bloggers and news and Internet, which everyone knows is CIA mind control device for you to Gogol – excuse please, Google – ex-girlfriends, to make sure Rhonda and Haley and Ashley as miserably alone as you. Also for you to say things about Vladimir Putin. Mean things. Why Americans hurt Vladimir’s feelings when he treats you well? Vladimir has not even invaded your country. Your Alaska is too cold and populated by potato-brained opezdols. He does not want your Alaska. You may keep! Is yours! Vladimir can do nothing about mean things you say in America. But in Russia, is no problem to crush bloggers, much like Stalin once crushed peasants protesting Five Year Plans. Is no place in Russia for your Reddit or your Facebook or your Buzzfeed. Which brings point: why is Buzzfeed? “Ten Times Angelina Jolie Made Us Wish We Were Brad Pitt”? I will tell your President Obama, I know why Americans soft like baby seal while Russians hard, like baby seal trained by Spetsnaz. Which is why Vladimir signed new law this week to make Internet much more nice place. Now any web-site that has 3000 visitors must only print accurate information. What is accurate? Whatever Vladimir says! Or FSB will shoot you. Ha ha, I kid. FSB will imprison and torture you first. Read more on Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin, Come To Talk At You Of Freedom Of Internet!…
  reverse cowgirl for jesus

Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why

Ladies, it’s all your fault. Hopefully you realize this by now, because all the evidence is clear, and there is literally nothing that cannot be blamed on you. Like how you will divorce your husband just because he is having penile-vaginal relations with another woman, when it’s obviously your fault he was cheating in the first place! Det Bowers, a pastor challenging Lindsey Graham in the South Carolina GOP Senate primary, once blamed women for causing most divorces — even when husbands are unfaithful to their wives. You’ll never guess the reason. (Hint: It is blatant woman-hating sexism shrouded in a thin veneer of self-righteous religious bullshit.) Read more on Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why…
  it's just crazy enough to be true

Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama’s DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther

We know everyone within the Wonkette universe has complicated feels about floor wax/dessert topping Edward Snowden, but a new story about the Libertarian Man of Mystery has totally blown our minds, and now we don’t know what to think. If this newest claim being made about the documents he stole from the NSA turns out to be true, Edward Snowden may just turn out to be the greatest American hero since Nick Mancuso was offering his Corvette Stingray for barter. Seriously, it’s that big. Did we mention how big it is? Because holy crap, it’s big. Here is the big scoop: as part of his deal to leave Hong Kong, Snowden promised to turn over to Vladimir Putin the secret US intelligence file on President Obama’s DNA that proves Stanley Dunham was not Obama’s biological mother. We told you people! Read more on Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama’s DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther…