Wonkette

Here is “grand chessmaster” Garry Kasparov, who moonlights as the leader of the Other Russia movement, “a loose coalition of activists opposing Vladamir Putin and the current Russian government.” He gave a speech Saturday in Moscow when a FLYING HELICOPTER PENIS interrupted him, frightening the world, until some (gay?) dude swatted it down. Don’t believe us? Watch. [Sharenator, Waxy]

While America spent the day either dancing on Hillary Clinton’s grave or trying to jump into it, a very important event transpired in nation of Russia: as expected, Vladimir Putin departed his post as president. But now he will be the prime minister, and some stooge whose name Hillary mangled in a debate will be the “president” instead. This will allow Putin to continue to walk around topless and cavort with flexy gymnasts half his age while Dmitry Medvedev attends to important affairs such as poisoning spies. Exciting photos of President Medvedev’s swearing-in ceremony after the jump! MORE »

Chesty Russian President Vladimir Putin denies tabloid reports that he has thrown over his ancient, bloated wife for Russia’s most flexible woman: former Olympic gold medalist Alina Kabaeva, who won in the category of “rhythmic gymnastics.” She is just 24 years old and a member of the Russian Parliament, so this is basically Sarkozy-Bruni all over again except with a sinister KGB troll and a bendy little minx who lounges around in polyester-blend lingerie from the Dress Barn. MORE »

George Bush visited Russian President Vladimir Putin this weekend and made all of his rented buses dismantle their back seats and put “strange black boxes” there. And when he arrived by plane, one of the snipers stationed around the airport to ward off gunfire from enemies did a surprising thing! MORE »

Hillary Clinton was trying to prove she was a tough guy up in New Hampshire last month, so she mocked George W. Bush’s dumb line about looking into Vlad Putin’s sweet sweet soul. “He doesn’t have a soul,” she said of the beloved ex-KGB agent.

But Putin’s even colder and meaner than Hillary herself. Asked about her dumb line, Putin said, “At a minimum, a head of state should have a head,” Putin said. What exactly does this mean? We are pretty sure this is one of those misogynist Russian “ha ha the woman lacks a penis” jokes. [Politico]

Famous foreign policy candidate John McCain knows very little about foreign policy. At a speech today, he said, “I was in a conference in Germany over the weekend and President Putin of Germany gave one of the old Cold War style speeches.” This may have been a slip-up, or it may have been a swipe at Putin for beating American Gen. David Petraeus for Time’s Person of the Year. Probably, however, WALNUTS! is very drunk because he’s old. [WJNO]

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Hillary says Vladimir Putin “doesn’t have a soul.” [The Australian]

The news spread through Japan and Russia like a firestorm today that Russian President (and soon to be Prime Minister) Vladimir Putin had recorded an instructional judo video with Japanese judo champion Yasuhiro Yamasita. What would that look like? Oh, it’s gonna be good.

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