Facial recognition software operates on the principle that people never make expressions ever, and just wander the earth looking like dead-eyed zombies. Thus the Virginia DMV, in order to make driver’s license pictures more compatible with the latest facial recognition techmologies, has decreed that you can’t smile in your photo. MORE »

A bunch of kids from Virginia went on a field trip to get a tour of the White House, but they got there late, and the President had a play date with the Pittsburgh Steelers so the White House was closed and all the children cried, which was exactly what he wanted. [NBC Washington]

Little-known fact: Virginia gubernatorial candidate and beloved Clinton pimp Terry McAuliffe spent the first half of 2008 dancing around Hillary Clinton like a court jester on meth, going on morning talk shows and doing shots of rum and laughing right along with his hosts about how wink wink Hillary was totally going to be president, even though not enough people voted for her in the primaries. He was the most underminey best friend in the WORLD. MORE »

Vote Krystal Ball for Congress, Virginia District 1! She’s 27 and had a baby at some point and this changed everything. “I said to myself, enough. I vowed, ‘I will protect Ella and all the babies like her in the First District of Virginia and throughout the country.’” Blah blah blah GREAT, Wonkette officially endorses this lady. [Krystal Ball For Congress via NBC Washington]

Congratulations to Arlen Specter for joining the Dixiecrat Party of America’s “Mid-Atlantic!” Here in America’s slave city, Richmond — a “blue city” now — we located the “X” marking on the ground where the Enola Gay will finally destroy the South with her payload of Pig Nukes from space — as soon as Arlen Specter gives the word! See? He doesn’t even have to “primary” here. MORE »

But these are just Devil Goats, or what Virginia calls “the new slave.” Now we are going on a SEG-WAE tour.

Two associate editors of a certain NOTORIOUSLY SNARKY D.C. political Web site have been enjoying fun adventures, such as parties with famous overtanned A-list cable news celebrities and looking for Jim’s car keys. Now we are en route to Mount Vernon, where we will be whisked away by tourism authorities and sent to prison camps in Tappahannock. MORE »

Sometimes people say mean things about political entertainment show host Bill O’Reilly, and he responds by dispatching clownish minions to stalk them for a while. Usually the targets are liberal opinion writers, like Cynthia Tucker of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution or The New Yorker’s Hendrik “Rik” Hertzberg. Oftentimes they call O’Reilly hypocritical and are attacked on the sidewalk or their driveway by the Fox goons, who DEMAND an apology without ever explaining what for. Well this weekend there was another ambush — but this time targeted at a simple blogger for the communist Think Progress website, while she was on vacation. MORE »

Here’s your boyfriend Barack Obama with Virginia schlub Tim Kaine, on location for their cameo appearance in the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Keep those artsy White House pictures coming, Pete Souza! [White House]

MORE THAN EVER should you now regret signing up for Hillary Clinton’s 2007-08 campaign mailing list — which you all did, because you looooove her — because guess who’s hijacked it now? Terry McAuliffe, in his random run for Virginia governor. Curse you Terry! MORE »

Bars and restaurants are possibly maybe finally going “smoke-free” in Virginia, the Philip Morris State. In the past Tim Kaine had stopped this from happening but now who knows. [DC Examiner]
White powder and a dead fish were mailed to the Dept. of Homeland Security, meaning Rahm Emanuel is the Zodiac. [Washington Post]
The journoterrorist who accosted Barry to get his autograph yesterday has been identified as some neocon driven to the brink of madness by the impossible demands of his twelve-year-old son. [Fishbowl DC]
Elitist northeast grocery warehouse Wegmans is, like some people you knew in college who have decided to become “all activisty,” probably moving to DC soon! Both will text you incessantly for the names of cool bars. [WTOP]
You can now take out a subprime mortgage on Nats tickets. Do it for your children’s futures. [DCist]
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