Wonkette

Virginia won’t let The Gays get married, so this couple just walked into a courthouse and said “We would like to get married plz” and they got a marriage license and even got married, even though they were two dudes. (One of them had really nice skin, though!) And just like that, billions of straight marriages around America went kerplunk in an explosion of existential despair. MORE »

Thanks to two brave Democratic state legislators, patrons of your friendly neighborhood Rustico restaurant in Alexandria, VA can now eat their brew pops in peace. What’s a brew pop, you ask? Only the most brilliant frozen food item ever invented, because it is made of beer. MORE »

Do you know about the New World Order? It is a secret shadowy cabal of Illuminati elites who secretly run all the banks and the governments and the big corporations — so, exactly like the real, known world, but more secret-y. And tomorrow, they’re all meeting in beautiful Chantilly, Virginia. Let’s learn about the dark mysteries of the non-bitter elitists, after the jump. MORE »

Our last, best hope for Washington — that it would be destroyed by the horrible emergence of subterranean monstrosities — came tantalizingly close to reality on Tuesday, when a magnitude 2.0 earthquake shook the D.C. area. What was it, and why is the government claiming and then denying responsibility for the loud booms from Beneath the Earth? MORE »

CRAZY JIM WEBB WON’T NOT BE VEEP: Gun-nut Senator Jim Webb refuses to refuse accepting a vice-president nomination, presumably from Obama, but possibly from fellow Republican crazy Vietnam vet John McCain. [MTV News]

Former Virginia Sen. George “Macaca” Allen filled out an NCAA Tournament bracket, and it is pretty, and he will share it with the world! Allen, however, is incapable of performing even the simplest tasks without being comical. He predicts #5 seed Notre Dame will beat #12 George Mason, but that is way too politically risky for his already destroyed political career in Virginia. So he scribbles in the margin, “tho for George Mason,” so you know where his heart is. And for #7 Gonzaga versus #10 Davidson, he predicts Davidson, against all mathematical odds! To highlight this brilliant prophecy, he writes “upset pick” in the margin. It seems he’s using all this free time to finally pass the first grade. [Full-size here]

Everybody knows the three rules of real estate: Location, Refinance, Foreclosure. But our best vice president ever, Dick Cheney, is focused on the first part of that maxim by building his “retirement” house literally across the street from CIA headquarters in McLean, Virginia. MORE »

Attention child pornography fans! Are you planning your next vacation? You’ll be in good company in Virginia, where over 20,000 computers contain your preferred reading materials! MORE »

Poor Michelle Obama. Not only does she have to put up with stadiums full of women moaning ecstatically every time her husband opens his mouth, now she also has to worry about Chris Matthews and the “feeling he gets up his legs.” Brian Williams points this out, probably out of jealousy because he has no feelings.

Barack Obama won another big primary day! He got enough of the votes and the delegates and the white people and the liberal women to wipe out Hillary Clinton. (YES THE BLACKS ALSO VOTED FOR HIM. STOP PLAYING THE RACE CARD.) So now we go to, er, Wisconsin? And then Texas, and Ohio, and Hawaii?