Tag Archives: virginia

  Does Club Fed have a day spa?

Grifty Virginia Governor’s Wife Sentenced To Sleeping On Very Low Thread Counts In Prison

Nope, can't take the Ferrari to prison with you.
Ice Queen and former Virginia First Lady Maureen McDonnell brought single-digit temperatures with her to Richmond this morning for her sentencing hearing in the case of tobacco pills, unrequited love, and rides in a Ferrari that gripped the nation last summer. Federal Judge James Spencer sentenced her to 12 months and one day after a hearing featuring character witnesses and a brief appeal from McDonnell herself. The sentence is right in between the 18 months what the prosecution was asking for and the community service the defense wanted. Read more on Grifty Virginia Governor’s Wife Sentenced To Sleeping On Very Low Thread Counts In Prison…
  yes virginia there is a constitutional clause

Bristol Palin Begs Legislators To Save America From Federal Tyranny

Constitutional scholar
Bristol Palin needs a favor. Can you do this one little thing for her, America? Can you email a bunch of state legislators in Virginia to demand they support bills calling for a Convention of States to amend the Constitution? It’s such a small thing to do in order to thank Bristol for the hours upon hours upon hours of quality entertainment she and her family have provided our nation. Read more on Bristol Palin Begs Legislators To Save America From Federal Tyranny…
  No Erasies White Magic Also Too

VA Legislators Call Backsies, Black Magic, 123 No Takebacks On Gun Bill

Not related to the story but CUTE.
Should stalkers, domestic abusers, and sexual batterers be allowed to buy and own guns? For several Republicans on the Virginia Senate Courts of Justice Committee, the answer is a resounding NO, followed by a YES, then a WHOOPS, then NO again: Read more on VA Legislators Call Backsies, Black Magic, 123 No Takebacks On Gun Bill…
  Virginia Really IS for Lovers This Time

Judge Rules Same-Sex Couple Can Now Violate Sanctity Of Birth Certificate

Equal Parts Right & Rights
For the easily outraged, the only thing rivaling the “Sanctity of Marriage” is the “Sanctity of Official State Documents.” So the following Nice Time story will provide a respite from perpetual intolerance veiled in bureaucracy. Read more on Judge Rules Same-Sex Couple Can Now Violate Sanctity Of Birth Certificate…
  Cold Dead Hands

Gun Roundup: The State Of Our Union’s Gun Nuts Is Stupid As Ever

As gun ownership becomes more about making a half-baked political statement predicated on paranoid delusions and industry propaganda, and less about practical matters like hunting and home defense, it stands to reason that gun owners themselves would display an ever-diminishing quotient of common sense. This is just a theory, but damned if the facts on the ground don’t support it. WITNESS: Read more on Gun Roundup: The State Of Our Union’s Gun Nuts Is Stupid As Ever…
  Texas Justice will be back after these messages

Texas and Virginia Lawmakers Will Defeat The Homosexuals This Time, Goldurnit!

Here is your new Texas freedom-fighter for poor, oppressed heterosexual straight-married bigots. His name is Cecil Bell, Jr., and he is your new frand. Hello, Texas Bumpkin Daddy, who still manages to look more intelligent than Louie Gohmert, what is your plan to defeat the Lone Star Homosexualistas? It is this: Read more on Texas and Virginia Lawmakers Will Defeat The Homosexuals This Time, Goldurnit!…
  don't call it a comeback

Jailed Virginia Lawmaker Joe Morrissey Wins Special Election … From Jail!

Image via YouTube Joe Morrissey, everyone’s favorite minor-corrupting member of the Virginia House of Delegates, went on trial for his political life on Tuesday, only weeks after taking a plea to avoid an actual trial for child pornography and resigning from office. Pushed off the Democrats’ ballot line in a controversial private caucus, Morrissey ran in this week’s special election for his tainted seat as an independent, despite the unique challenge of being in jail most of the time over those unpleasant accusations regarding his underage receptionist. Not even allowed to pester people for votes outside grocery stores during his daytime release from the slammer, Morrissey campaigned largely from the confines of his law office and clothed himself in concern for the humble voters. Just let them decide, he said, and they’ll keep him as their man in Richmond. Read more on Jailed Virginia Lawmaker Joe Morrissey Wins Special Election … From Jail!…
  Everybody Say Ewwww

NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation

Everyone in the photos behind me would slap me if they heard what I'm saying. Joke's on them -- theyr'e dead!
This ought to go well. Since the NYPD is still feeling most butthurt indeed that Mayor Bill de Blasio hasn’t yet fired his black son or burned his wife’s wardrobe, some of the city’s finest are looking to other sources for advice on building better relations with the black community. Or at least in the case of the Sergeants Benevolent Association, the NYPD sergeants’ union, they met last week in Washington DC with several “national African-American leaders,” including Alveda King, Martin Luther King’s rightwing niece, and E.W. Jackson, the former Virginia lieutenant-governor candidate who’s OK with segregation, believes that Planned Parenthood has been worse for the black community than the KKK, and that the 3/5 compromise was a pretty good thing since it at least gave slaves some political recognition. No, we did not make that up. Did we mention he’s a Republican? Read more on NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation…
  Here have some news n stuff

New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em

When did Jesus ever talk about feeding people anyway?
How is un-American Marxist commie is-he-even-a-real-Catholic? New Pope destroying Western civilization today? Glad you asked. He’s turning the Sistine Chapel into a hotbed of boobs, which definitely violates the laws of man, nature, common decency, and some other stuff, probably. Read more on New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em…
  Jail Time For Bobzo

Sad Former VA Gov. Bob McDonnell Will Be Your Pen-Pal, From Prison

Nope, can't take the Ferrari to prison with you.
Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia   Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in the Crossbar Hotel on multiple corruption charges. Federal Judge James Spencer said that the case “breaks his heart” but added that a “price must be paid” for doing corruption — awfully good of the judge to choke back his tears like that and do his job. Read more on Sad Former VA Gov. Bob McDonnell Will Be Your Pen-Pal, From Prison…
  Florida: A Living Segregation History Museum

If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?

Like any agenda could be more gay than a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper
So now that the Supreme Court has crammed marriage equality down Florida’s throat, some Florida counties are responding with a move that seems almost reflexive for Southern states that don’t want to have the wrong people’s “civil rights” forced upon them. Rather than perform same-sex marriages, the clerks of the court for five Florida counties have decided that they just plain won’t perform any marriage ceremonies at their courthouses anymore: Read more on If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?…
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Jerk-Off Democrat Who Boned Medicaid Is Your State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of 2014!

Congratulations, buddy, the medal's in the mail
Dear readers, do you live in a state? The Washington Bureau is located in a lawless wasteland known as the District of Columbia, where our primitive jungle council attempts to rule only to be thwarted by unseen but all-powerful overlords who hold the key to our riches. Someday, we shall find and defeat this “Congress.” Read more on Jerk-Off Democrat Who Boned Medicaid Is Your State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of 2014!…
  minor indiscretions

Pervy Pol’s Taint Leads To Private Caucus, All Political Dick Puns Currently In Use

Joseph Dee Morrissey, at least for the moment, stubbornly remains a Democratic member of the Virginia House. He was all “okay, fine, I’ll resign, GOD” after pleading guilty to a misdemeanor to avoid trial for child pornography, then announced he planned to stay in office while running in the special election for his replacement in order to remove the “taint over his seat.” He was totally busted this week campaigning in front of a grocery store, which is verboten under his day-release conditions as a criminal who sleeps in a jail, but a judge declined to lock him up for real to avoid “interfering with an election.” Read more on Pervy Pol’s Taint Leads To Private Caucus, All Political Dick Puns Currently In Use…
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Pervy Convict Legislator Wants Virginia To Remove The Taint From His Seat

Image via Wikimedia Commons Competition is heating up for Wonkette’s Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Today’s featured contender: Joseph Dee Morrissey, recently resigned member of the Virginia House of Delegates and “descendant of John Morrissey, a 19th-century U.S. Congressman and one-time bare-knuckle boxer.” That scrappy spirit is apparently alive in the current generation of Morrisseys, going by Joe’s announcement that he will run in the special election to fill the position he just gave up, since his constituents deserve to choose from only the finest jailbound criminals to make their laws. Read more on Pervy Convict Legislator Wants Virginia To Remove The Taint From His Seat…
  Gun Radio: A Radio Show For Guns

George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!

Ready for all comers
George Zimmerman has a lot of free time. His notoriety prevents him from seeking conventional employment, evidently, and he got fired from his last unpaid gig in that the owner of the gun shop he was lurking behind at night for security told him to stop it already. Plus there’s that price on his head. Read more on George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!…
  Influence Of MS-Paint On Sexual Orientation Still Unknown

Anti-Gay Billboard Exposes New Threat: Gays Cloning Straight Twins With Photoshop

All incredibly true except for the not being twins part
An idiot “ex-gay” group calling itself Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) — get it?!? – put up a billboard claiming that studies of twins “prove” that no one is born gay, because if one twin is gay and the other is straight, then it’s UNPOSSIBLE for anyone to be “born gay.” You know, because science. Read more on Anti-Gay Billboard Exposes New Threat: Gays Cloning Straight Twins With Photoshop…
  blah blah blah

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Would Like To Be The Next Ronald Reagan Of You

Nope
Oh, hey there, Jim Webb, what’ve you been up to since you stopped being a “Democratic” senator from Virginia? Been writing some books? Been private sectoring, for America and freedom? Been reconsidering whether ladies can serve in the military after all? Read more on ‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Would Like To Be The Next Ronald Reagan Of You…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts

The politically correct war on dorks continues
Welcome to Derp Update, your occasional feature where we purge our browsers of stories that didn’t quite merit a whole post, but were too remarkably stupid to ignore altogether. Fear that your brain cells may be harmed by exposure to toxic weirdness? Dilute! Dilute! Read more on Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts…
  Poor Little Prick Boy

Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican

Scootaloo is too young to understand 'misplaced empathy'
It’s a sad week for Democrats, and a really happy week for Republicans, at least most of them, except maybe for Scott Brown, who’s busy crying bitter tears and checking the real estate listings in Vermont and Maine. Read more on Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican…
  Sweet Dreams And Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground

Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now

Burnin' out his fuse up there alone
An unmanned Antares rocket exploded seconds after liftoff from a facility in Virginia yesterday, with the total loss of a payload of food, water, and scientific experiments bound for the International Space Station. It was pretty spectacular: Read more on Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now…
  Open up and say awwwwww yeah

Gay Supreme Court Jams Gay Gay Marriage Down Red States’ Gay Gay Gay Throats (With Gayness)

A gaysplosion of gay all over gay America
The Supreme Court is sick and tired of your whining, red states, and does not even want to hear you cry about gay marriage anymore. The justices already told you your dumb marriage bans are dumb, and what part of “IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY, GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!” do you not understand? Read more on Gay Supreme Court Jams Gay Gay Marriage Down Red States’ Gay Gay Gay Throats (With Gayness)…
  We Salute You

Thousands Of Virginians Newly Insured. Great. Thanks Obama.

Elitist Liberal Called Us Dumm!
Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe is dragging his once-noble Commonwealth down the perilous path to socialism, using an executive action that provides health coverage to “20,000 people with severe mental illnesses and 5,000 children of low-income state workers.” This unconscionable abuse of power will force a staggering six percent of the state’s uninsured into a flaming hellscape of accessible medical care. Read more on Thousands Of Virginians Newly Insured. Great. Thanks Obama….