Tag Archives: virginia

  Not Even Worth A Pun In The Kicker Hed

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Announces Candidacy To Be 2016’s Tim PawlentyZZZZZZZZZ

Former Virginia Senator Jim Webb announced Thursday that he’s running for the Democratic nomination for president, and we suppose that some people may have actually showed up for the announcement. Oh, actually, no, he just sent an email, which was probably a pretty smart move, considering. Webb is running for the most sincere of reasons, probably, we didn’t even check, because fuck that guy, he is well past his sell-by date. Also he thinks he’d be a good Reagan, which would be reason enough to ignore the hell out of him. Read more on ‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Announces Candidacy To Be 2016’s Tim PawlentyZZZZZZZZZ…
  Don't speak like EVER

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Fondly Remembers Slave Holders, Still Won’t Be President

Oh, that guy. He was OK in Bull Durham.
No one was waiting around to hear what Reagan fanboy and former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb has to say about the Confederate flag, because no one cares what he has to say about anything, and now we are quite sure the “Democratic” presidential candidate should have kept his stupid mouth shut: Read more on ‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Fondly Remembers Slave Holders, Still Won’t Be President…
  Drink Too Much And Laugh Too Loud

Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice

Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
So how about that Confederate flag? Now that it has a negative association for the first time ever, seems like everybody has decided to jump off the Confederate bandwagon, except of course for the diehard morons, of whom there are quite a few. Within hours of Gov. Nikki Haley’s call to remove the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Statehouse, a whole bunch of other Republicans suddenly realized they had permission to get rid of the goddamned thing, too. Mitt Romney actually did something good in his life! The next domino fell Monday night, when Mississippi’s Speaker of the House of Representatives, Philip Gunn, said it was time to remove the Confederate flag emblem from the state’s flag, too. Read more on Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice…
  You Got Your Church In My State!

Dumb Virginia County Can’t Stop Invoking Jesus, Must Pay $74,000, Ha Ha Ha

Take this gavel, and rap it in memory of me
In a court decision that surely must mean the end of Christianity forever, once again, a federal court ruled Friday that a Virginia county board of supervisors can’t start its meetings with explicitly Christian prayers. You astute Wonketteers who are in the know may find yourselves scratching your heads and saying, “But wait, didn’t the Supremes just rule last year that it was hunky-dory-mary-joseph-jebus for some town in New York to start its meetings with a double helping of Jesus-invoking and a side of Amen? And you would be right! Read more on Dumb Virginia County Can’t Stop Invoking Jesus, Must Pay $74,000, Ha Ha Ha…
  Not One Of These People Is A Duggar

Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy

Nothing weird in this relationship, no sir.
In a pleasant change of pace, here’s a reminder that there are lots of gross people out there whose last name doesn’t rhyme with “fugger”: Weird former member of the Virginia House of Delegates Joe Morrissey is getting married to the teenaged receptionist with whom he fathered a babby. Despite pleading no contest to a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor last year, Morrissey insists that he and his bride-to-be, Myrna Pride, never did the nasty until she was very definitely of age. Ms. Pride also said, at a press appearance where they announced their plans to marry, “I never engaged in a sexual [act] with Mr. Morrissey until I was of legal age,” so all of you people should just shut up now. Which sort of makes you wonder why he’d take a plea deal to avoid felony charges resulting from both the relationship and from showing pornographic photos of Pride to a friend. Read more on Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy…
  this will go over well

Dear White People: You’re Going To LOVE Disney’s New White ‘African’ Princess

They're only being mean because they're jealous.
MOVE OVER, Elsa The Frozen Bitch Princess From Hell, there’s a new Disney lady princess in town, and she seems great. She’s based on the true story of Jeremiah Heaton, a Virginia father whose daughter Emily just wanted to be a princess, like all little girls and some little boys do. So, instead of being a bad lazy parent, he said by God, I’m going to go find a piece of war-torn, lawless Africa, stick a flag in it like Eddie Izzard taught me, and claim the land for my beautiful daughter, where she will be princess happily ever after: Read more on Dear White People: You’re Going To LOVE Disney’s New White ‘African’ Princess…
  Teach us oh white people!

How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?

The cats are cuter than anything you'll read in this post.
Ever since the alleged police murder of Freddie Gray and the rioting that followed, white wingnuts have been trying SO HARD to do something — anything! — to help the poor black communities of Baltimore recover and move on from this tragedy. Because they care so much, honest! Should we cut off their food stamps? Give everybody more guns, so they can Stand Their Ground? Send them all some more Jesus, and good dads like Rand Paul? Well, worry not, because there are still more turd ideas to throw at the wall, so here is this week’s roundup of White Wingnut Wisdom for Baltimorean Blacks! Read more on How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?…
  Bleat On The Brat

How Is Obamacare Turning Us Into Nazi North Korea Today?

American Pony is Superior Pony! And Smarter than David Brat.
Gosh, remember when former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost his primary to some Tea Party loon named David Brat, and we laughed and laughed and looked forward to all the crazy stupid stuff Brat would do in Congress? Except how Brat was just kind of garden variety dumb, and not generally all that funny? Oh, sure, there was the time he said we don’t need to worry about education funding none, because Socrates just taught on a rock with a stick, and that was funny, but only rated about 450 MilliGohmerts. Read more on How Is Obamacare Turning Us Into Nazi North Korea Today?…
  Further Adventures In Driving While Black

Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself

I'm not touching you...OK, I'm throwing you to the pavement, but not touching you...
In yet another isolated incident, a black motorist was pulled from his car, thrown to the ground, and then had his head smashed against the hood of a police car. And for some reason, although the dash cam video doesn’t show him behaving violently, Stuart Fitzgerald, 53, has been charged with assaulting officers in the May 26, 2014, incident. We really need to just have a story template to use for all these isolated incidents, where we can fill in the names, dates, and perfectly reasonable bullshit explanations from police. It would save a lot of time. Read more on Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself…
  Pence is highly offended by all your rude comments about Indiana

Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

The Indianapolis Star‘s Tuesday edition is a bit stunning, in that the entire front page is devoted to an editorial demanding that Indiana lawmakers “FIX THIS NOW.” They are of course referring to the Fuck The Gays law, signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which has single-handedly sent the state to number one on pretty much everyone’s list of “states where I do not wish to find myself stranded.” Read more on Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence…
  Praise The Lord And Pass No Legislation

Virginia Guy Knows Who Ended Slavery, And It Was Definitely Not ‘The Government’

See, the glowy stuff there at the top is God
A Leesburg, Virginia, town councilman has a novel theory of how American slavery came to an end: God did it, not big government. We’re inclined to think perhaps He had a little help from Ulysses S. Grant and William Tecumseh Sherman, plus a couple million other fellows in blue uniforms, as well as a bearded gent who favored stovepipe hats, but sure, let’s hear out this Thomas S. Dunn II and see what he’s got to contribute to the conversation. Read more on Virginia Guy Knows Who Ended Slavery, And It Was Definitely Not ‘The Government’…
  Does Club Fed have a day spa?

Grifty Virginia Governor’s Wife Sentenced To Sleeping On Very Low Thread Counts In Prison

Nope, can't take the Ferrari to prison with you.
Ice Queen and former Virginia First Lady Maureen McDonnell brought single-digit temperatures with her to Richmond this morning for her sentencing hearing in the case of tobacco pills, unrequited love, and rides in a Ferrari that gripped the nation last summer. Federal Judge James Spencer sentenced her to 12 months and one day after a hearing featuring character witnesses and a brief appeal from McDonnell herself. The sentence is right in between the 18 months what the prosecution was asking for and the community service the defense wanted. Read more on Grifty Virginia Governor’s Wife Sentenced To Sleeping On Very Low Thread Counts In Prison…
  yes virginia there is a constitutional clause

Bristol Palin Begs Legislators To Save America From Federal Tyranny

Constitutional scholar
Bristol Palin needs a favor. Can you do this one little thing for her, America? Can you email a bunch of state legislators in Virginia to demand they support bills calling for a Convention of States to amend the Constitution? It’s such a small thing to do in order to thank Bristol for the hours upon hours upon hours of quality entertainment she and her family have provided our nation. Read more on Bristol Palin Begs Legislators To Save America From Federal Tyranny…
  Virginia Really IS for Lovers This Time

Judge Rules Same-Sex Couple Can Now Violate Sanctity Of Birth Certificate

Equal Parts Right & Rights
For the easily outraged, the only thing rivaling the “Sanctity of Marriage” is the “Sanctity of Official State Documents.” So the following Nice Time story will provide a respite from perpetual intolerance veiled in bureaucracy. Read more on Judge Rules Same-Sex Couple Can Now Violate Sanctity Of Birth Certificate…
  Cold Dead Hands

Gun Roundup: The State Of Our Union’s Gun Nuts Is Stupid As Ever

As gun ownership becomes more about making a half-baked political statement predicated on paranoid delusions and industry propaganda, and less about practical matters like hunting and home defense, it stands to reason that gun owners themselves would display an ever-diminishing quotient of common sense. This is just a theory, but damned if the facts on the ground don’t support it. WITNESS: Read more on Gun Roundup: The State Of Our Union’s Gun Nuts Is Stupid As Ever…
  Texas Justice will be back after these messages

Texas and Virginia Lawmakers Will Defeat The Homosexuals This Time, Goldurnit!

Here is your new Texas freedom-fighter for poor, oppressed heterosexual straight-married bigots. His name is Cecil Bell, Jr., and he is your new frand. Hello, Texas Bumpkin Daddy, who still manages to look more intelligent than Louie Gohmert, what is your plan to defeat the Lone Star Homosexualistas? It is this: Read more on Texas and Virginia Lawmakers Will Defeat The Homosexuals This Time, Goldurnit!…
  don't call it a comeback

Jailed Virginia Lawmaker Joe Morrissey Wins Special Election … From Jail!

Image via YouTube Joe Morrissey, everyone’s favorite minor-corrupting member of the Virginia House of Delegates, went on trial for his political life on Tuesday, only weeks after taking a plea to avoid an actual trial for child pornography and resigning from office. Pushed off the Democrats’ ballot line in a controversial private caucus, Morrissey ran in this week’s special election for his tainted seat as an independent, despite the unique challenge of being in jail most of the time over those unpleasant accusations regarding his underage receptionist. Not even allowed to pester people for votes outside grocery stores during his daytime release from the slammer, Morrissey campaigned largely from the confines of his law office and clothed himself in concern for the humble voters. Just let them decide, he said, and they’ll keep him as their man in Richmond. Read more on Jailed Virginia Lawmaker Joe Morrissey Wins Special Election … From Jail!…
  Everybody Say Ewwww

NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation

Everyone in the photos behind me would slap me if they heard what I'm saying. Joke's on them -- theyr'e dead!
This ought to go well. Since the NYPD is still feeling most butthurt indeed that Mayor Bill de Blasio hasn’t yet fired his black son or burned his wife’s wardrobe, some of the city’s finest are looking to other sources for advice on building better relations with the black community. Or at least in the case of the Sergeants Benevolent Association, the NYPD sergeants’ union, they met last week in Washington DC with several “national African-American leaders,” including Alveda King, Martin Luther King’s rightwing niece, and E.W. Jackson, the former Virginia lieutenant-governor candidate who’s OK with segregation, believes that Planned Parenthood has been worse for the black community than the KKK, and that the 3/5 compromise was a pretty good thing since it at least gave slaves some political recognition. No, we did not make that up. Did we mention he’s a Republican? Read more on NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation…
  Here have some news n stuff

New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em

He'll see reason OR ELSE
How is un-American Marxist commie is-he-even-a-real-Catholic? New Pope destroying Western civilization today? Glad you asked. He’s turning the Sistine Chapel into a hotbed of boobs, which definitely violates the laws of man, nature, common decency, and some other stuff, probably. Read more on New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em…
  Jail Time For Bobzo

Sad Former VA Gov. Bob McDonnell Will Be Your Pen-Pal, From Prison

Nope, can't take the Ferrari to prison with you.
Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia   Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in the Crossbar Hotel on multiple corruption charges. Federal Judge James Spencer said that the case “breaks his heart” but added that a “price must be paid” for doing corruption — awfully good of the judge to choke back his tears like that and do his job. Read more on Sad Former VA Gov. Bob McDonnell Will Be Your Pen-Pal, From Prison…
  Florida: A Living Segregation History Museum

If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?

Mission accomplished!
So now that the Supreme Court has crammed marriage equality down Florida’s throat, some Florida counties are responding with a move that seems almost reflexive for Southern states that don’t want to have the wrong people’s “civil rights” forced upon them. Rather than perform same-sex marriages, the clerks of the court for five Florida counties have decided that they just plain won’t perform any marriage ceremonies at their courthouses anymore: Read more on If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?…