Wonkette

This is great news: “In an unusual move, Hillary Clinton’s staff is creating a 40-member ‘whip team’ at the Denver Democratic convention to ensure that her supporters don’t engage in embarrassing anti-Obama demonstrations during the floor vote on her nomination.” Whipping unruly Hilltards on the floor of the Democratic convention, well boy howdy. We want in. Imagine: some Bitter starts shouting about Nobama until you walk up, unfurl, then *WHOOSH* *CRACK* and it’s off to the races. Hillary & Barry cackle from afar, approvingly, as one. So where, pray tell, is the sign-up sheet? [Politico/The Crypt]

The fallout continues over last weekend’s Paultardpalooza festival in Washington D.C., which your Wonketteers bravely attended for seven minutes between episodes of drinking. If you can imagine, many hobbits on Ron Paul Forums are making strained “mental leaps” between fiction and reality. They were already convinced that our Wonkette faction was a deranged militia of “addicts and derelicts” who — much like the British Army several hundred years ago — would shoot at them with muskets, if necessary, to protect George W. Bush’s tea tax. Now they’ve assumed something far more profound: that one of us was this fat, shirtless lout who went around beating up their women and children. And our punishment shall be swift and merciless: they tell us that we are “on the list.” Anything but the list! MORE »

Have you heard of this secret society called the Cardboard Tube Fighting League? They plan on infiltrating the National Mall on July 26 for some good old-fashioned papergoods warfare, and they will take all comers. How much would you pay to engage in this exciting activity? Several hundred dollars, you say? Joke’s on you, suckers, it is FREE. MORE »

Joe Lieberman got off easy! Now Barack Obama is resorting to assault and battery with members of Congress: “The man wobbled slowly to the stage and presented Obama with a maple wood walking stick as a gift. The presumptive democratic nominee, clearly feeling his oats, took the stick and said, ‘If members of congress don’t pass my health care bill — I’ll whoop ‘em, I’ll whoop ‘em. MORE »

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee’s most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: “Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America’s awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a ‘hit list’ that contained my name.” Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily]

Everyone knows that John McCain is a sociopath and a monster who calls his wife terrible things and survives on the fresh livers of babies. But did you know that he also once engaged in fisticuffs with an Arizona Congressman who has now been indicted for various boring corruption-related things? Well he did! And this was just two years ago, so McCain can’t say it was his youthful McNasty temper acting up. MORE »

Oh Nancy Pelosi’s so cool, she’s the first female Speaker of the House! She wears chic outfits! She’s from San Francisco! She hates China and loves freedom! And now she’s palling around with the Dalai Lama, because she is the most sanctimonious California libtard since Richard Gere got exiled to a hamster sanctuary in Wyoming. MORE »

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. MORE »

We knew the question of health care mandates was divisive, but not this divisive. Prosecutors in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania, says that “two brothers-in-law” got into such a heated debate over Barack and Hillary that one stabbed the other. Naturally, the Clinton supporter — or should we say, Clinton surrogate? — was the stabber. MORE »

Crazy Bill Clinton got into a full-on crotch-punching brawl, sort of, with a Barack Obama supporter in Northeast Ohio yesterday. Clinton was speaking at Timken High School when Ohioan Robert Holeman started shouting out Obama’s name at random and stepping on Clinton’s applause lines. Then after the speech Holeman approached Clinton to ask him to stop the “bickering” and “name-calling”, and that is when things very nearly almost got out of hand, but did not. MORE »

The votes are in! No, not in your silly American primary election; I’m talking about The Foreigns, who got one look at last week Malaysian sex tape scandal and voted with their cameras, genitals, and fists. “Yes!” they said, in their Foreign languages. “I too want to do titillating things on camera that will end my political career forever!” After the jump: The Foreigns do it live on TV and/or film, for your entertainment. MORE »

For everyone that likes to talk about “stolen” elections in the United States on the like, we would, today, like to kindly direct your attention to Africa where Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki might well have literally stolen that election, an event which has precipitated mass internal migration and tribal violence. The newest front in that violence? Innocent, innocent foreskins.

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Here’s something that may come as a shock to you: Iraqis don’t want us in their country. No, seriously, it’s true. The Washington Post is reporting on a new study that found Iraqis of all sectarian and ethnic groups blame the U.S. occupying forces for the violence that plagues them. So we’re packing up and leaving, right? Right? MORE »