Tag Archives: video

  He fuckin' told you losers he was rich

I Am Donald J. Trump, TEN BILLIONAIRE, I Own A Mansion And A Yacht

Gonna buy Mexico too probably
Donald J. “Fuck You and Your Dumb Loser Moron Mother” Trump told us he is worth “TEN BILLION DOLLARS,” and now we get to find out how much he is lying about that. Forbes says he is only worth a piddly no-all-caps $4 billion, and he is only #405 on the list of richest fucks in America, what a loser. The 92-page financial disclosure report, required of all presidential candidates, has finally been released so we can see whether Donald Trump’s assets are in fact as YOOOGE as his balls. For example: Read more on I Am Donald J. Trump, TEN BILLIONAIRE, I Own A Mansion And A Yacht…
  Kittens Not Included :(

Sandra Bland Arrest Video Explains Nothing About Her Death, Everything About Dick Texas Cop

Are you done now?
Sandra Bland was pulled over in Texas for a traffic violation, arrested for allegedly assaulting a state trooper, and three days later, found dead in her jail cell. An autopsy ruled her death a suicide, but her friends and family don’t believe that, and there have been too many mysterious deaths of black people at the hands of police for this not to look suspicious. And now that Texas officials have released the dashcam video of Bland’s arrest, absolutely nothing is settled. Read more on Sandra Bland Arrest Video Explains Nothing About Her Death, Everything About Dick Texas Cop…
  Oh lord

Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog

We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks. Read more on Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog…
  Here's a story to ruin your day

Nice White Dad Mysteriously Dies In Police Custody, We Can Talk Police Brutality Now?

A man beloved by many, but most of all by his family.
Saturday evening, Troy and Kelli Goode of Memphis headed off to a Widespread Panic concert in nearby Southaven, Mississippi. What should have been a nice night off for two young parents ended with Troy, a 30-year-old chemical engineer, loving husband and devoted daddy of a 15-month-old, being hogtied by the Southaven police, and soon after dying in their custody. One of the family’s attorneys, Tim Edwards, explained the timeline of events to the Huffington Post: Read more on Nice White Dad Mysteriously Dies In Police Custody, We Can Talk Police Brutality Now?…
  He's only racist against Muslims

Florida Gun Shop Will Keep You And Your Treason Flag Safe From Marauding Islamics

He seems nice
Andy Hallinan, the owner of Florida Gun Supply in Inverness, Florida, wants you to know a few facts about Muslims and the Confederate flag, because in his mind, somehow there’s a very important link between all the things he doesn’t like. For one thing, the Confederate flag is not racist or hateful, because just look at Andy Hallinan: He is not racist or hateful, but he does know that America is at war with Radical Islam, and that’s why his gun store is now a “Muslim-Free Zone,” which is a totally original idea that has never been cynically deployed to drive business, for America (and is probably perfectly OK with the Civil Rights Act, we bet). Read more on Florida Gun Shop Will Keep You And Your Treason Flag Safe From Marauding Islamics…
  Aw nuts

Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina

Here's your gender card right here
Senate Majority Leader In Name Only Mitch McConnell (R-Literally A Tortoise) is not a big fan of the ladies. Oh, sure, he’ll pretend he is, when he is running for re-election. He will try to make with the sweet pillow talk, all like, “Heyyyyyyyyyy ladies, I support the Violence Against Women Act, because you shouldn’t smack your bitch up,” but then he’ll vote against it because he thinks it is OK to smack your bitch up if she’s a lesbian bitch with brown skin. He’s that kind of feminist. You know, the kind that is bad at feminisming. Read more on Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina…
  The kids on Twitter call this "doxxing"

Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall

CALL ME MAYBE
Donald Trump, Wonkette takes it all back. You are the best Republican candidate probably since Abraham Lincoln, who wouldn’t have had to deal with that pesky Civil War if he had just gotten the Messicans to build a YOOOOOOGE wall around the traitor states and posted signs everywhere that said “Camp Moron.” Speaking to voters in Lindsey Graham’s South Carolina, Trump thought it would be a good idea to say all kinds of bad words about Sen. Graham, and then give out his personal cell phone number, in case anybody in the audience was looking for a good sexxxy time with the Senator or something. Trump was mad because Graham called him a “jackass,” which is just mean. Read more on Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall…
  You Should See What This Bad Boy Does To 'Atlas Shrugged'

Rand Paul Must Be Craaaaazy With This Tax-Code-Slashing Ad! Every Page Must Go!

Film scratch lines: So edgy and hip.
Sorry, Business Insider, we just can’t let you get away with using the words “intense” and “Rand Paul” in the same sentence like this: Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) released an intense new video on Tuesday where he appears to be literally destroying the US tax code. We looked at the video, and no, it is something less than “intense.” Maybe “intensely silly.” So the big idea here is that Rand Paul is going completely Crazy Eddie on the tax code, as he announces in the first of two (?) videos: “Hey I’m Rand Paul and I’m trying to kill the tax code — all 70,000 pages of it,” to be replaced by a single-page tax code and a one-page tax return for everyone in Libertarian Fantasy America. Then a cheesy, less feedbacky imitation of Jimi Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner accompanies shots of Paul tossing piles of paper into a woodchipper, burning it, and slicing into it with a chainsaw. Apparently you can go somewhere to vote on this. Oh the intensity. Note also the fake film scratch lines on the video, so you know that Rand Paul is Alternative. Read more on Rand Paul Must Be Craaaaazy With This Tax-Code-Slashing Ad! Every Page Must Go!…
  You're The Real Haters

Donald Trump Winning Because Plenty Of Republicans Like Loudmouthed Dickheads

So McCain was captured. Big deal. So was El Chapo.
Donald Trump is at the very top of the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll, with 24 percent of Republican-leaning voters preferring the rubber-faced buttplug over the other primary candidates. His closest rivals, Scott Walker and Jeb! Bush, are virtually tied with 13 and 12 percent support (and a margin of error of 3 to 5 percentage points). And we know why this is. It is because Republican primary voters are A Idiot, as Sean Hannity astutely observed on his radio program Monday. Read more on Donald Trump Winning Because Plenty Of Republicans Like Loudmouthed Dickheads…
  Nice time (though not for Donald Trump)

Nine Mean Names Elizabeth Warren Should Call Donald Trump

Most accurate Trump image yet
Elizabeth Warren, she is the best, we love her. But Donald Trump, he is also the best, in a very different kind of way, and we love him too, for very different reasons. (Because of the crazy things he says, with his face, that are awful terrible THE WORST, and Republicans love him for it, and he is leading in the GOP primary field, and please oh please pretty please can he be the Republican presidential nominee, PLEASE? We will say our prayers and drink our little wine and eat our little crackers to make it so.) Read more on Nine Mean Names Elizabeth Warren Should Call Donald Trump…
  Yes we are entertained

John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear

Not a good day to be John McCain
Did you hear the one about how Donald Trump thinks John McCain is a L-O-S-E-R for getting captured and held as a prisoner of war that one time, in the Nam, for five and a half years? Of course you did, because we, along with the rest of the entire US of A, can’t stop talking about it. Read more on John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear…
  Get Your Nerd On

John Lewis Is A Comics Superhero, Prepare For Ludicrous Speed, And Earth 2.0: Your Saturday Nerd-Out

He went for period accuracy where possible, but left out the tear gas and clubs
Happy Saturday, and welcome to your moment of Nerding: Just a few stories that we thought were pretty cool because they appeal to the geek in us. Real Life Superhero Cosplays As Himself For starters, how about congressman John Lewis of Georgia, attending his second Comic-Con last Saturday and getting into the whole cosplay scene, dressing as a character from March: Book 2, the comics memoir that he co-wrote with former campaign aide Andrew Aydin, with art by Nate Powell. To be specific, Lewis decided to dress up as the “John Lewis in 1965″ character from the book. The Washington Post had a lovely story this week about how it all happened: Read more on John Lewis Is A Comics Superhero, Prepare For Ludicrous Speed, And Earth 2.0: Your Saturday Nerd-Out…
  No Extra Credit For Acknowledging Reality

Lindsey Graham Isn’t A Scientist, But He Thinks Scientists Know Stuff. He’s Doomed.

Yes it's a pony. But it could have been a pic of Lindsey Graham. Count your blessings.
Loath though we are to ever say anything especially nice about Lindsey Graham, given his penchant for wanting to send Americans to bomb as many distant lands as possible, we have to give him an “attaboy” on his remarkably sane remarks about climate change on that Seth Meyers TV show t’other night. Read more on Lindsey Graham Isn’t A Scientist, But He Thinks Scientists Know Stuff. He’s Doomed….
  Don't keep fucking that chicken either

PSA: Do NOT French Kiss Your Chickens With Your Tongues, You’ll Get Salmonella Herpes

Stop that, it's bad for you
Please take note of this important health news about chickens from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “We do not recommend snuggling or kissing the birds or touching them to your mouth,” says Megin Nichols, a veterinarian with the CDC, “because that is certainly one way people become infected with salmonella.” Did you know this was a problem? Maybe, if you are an owner of “backyard poultry,” and you like to make out with your pet chickens. But you should not do that, not only because EW GROSS, DUDE, but also because it has led to an outbreak of salmonella so bad, 33 people have had to go to the hospital this year alone because they are so sick, from fondling and tonguing their feathered pets. The CDC says you should not do that! Read more on PSA: Do NOT French Kiss Your Chickens With Your Tongues, You’ll Get Salmonella Herpes…
  oh snap

Obama Doing Black-On-Black Racism To Bill Cosby, All Because Of A Few Measly Rapes

Oh look, here is President Obama subtly suggesting that Bill Cosby is maybe a raping rapist who has done all the rapes to all the ladies he raped, like a rapist. But like, in a presidentially subtle way. Asked during a White House press conference whether the president “would revoke the Medal of Freedom for Bill Cosby,” as many petition-signers on the interwebs are demanding — because of ALL THOSE RAPES (yeah yeah, allegedly and also according to Cosby’s own deposition testimony) — the president made a sadface and said there’s no “mechanism” to allow him to do that, BUT: Read more on Obama Doing Black-On-Black Racism To Bill Cosby, All Because Of A Few Measly Rapes…
  Hes a Ficus Conservative

Democratic Plant Donald Trump Is Not Democratic Plant, Says Donald Trump

They can't all be masterpieces. Or any of them.
Serious Presidential Contender Donald Trump (we almost typed that with a straight face … almost) angrily denied suggestions that he was a secret Democratic operative loosed on the 2016 Republican field to make the party look stupid. For one thing, with Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb! Bush, and several thousand other candidates, the field needed no extra help. Specifically, Trump took issue with Florida Republican congresstroll Carlos Curbelo’s recent suggestion that maybe, just maybe, Trump might be a stealth Democrat. Curbelo, who supports Jeb! Bush, said in a recent radio interview: Read more on Democratic Plant Donald Trump Is Not Democratic Plant, Says Donald Trump…