Wonkette

Some stoners were playing this video game called Burnout Paradise (of course), and they noticed a funny billboard in the video game. Yes, that’s your Barack Obama, telling the Xbox crowd about how people sometimes vote, for candidates, in these things called elections. But there is no way to actually vote within the video game, YET. Maybe next time! [Jalopnik]

John McCain’s web site features a challenging video game called “Pork Invaders,” which is designed to illustrate how he will balance the $900 trillion budget deficit by cutting hundreds of millions of dollars in earmarks and “waste.” And because he is John McCain, he will use War to veto these earmarks. See for yourself in the game — you, President McCain, “fire a veto” with the spacebar at little piggie space monsters to prevent them from shitting firecrackers on your subprime mud huts. [John McCain]

Barack Obama *thinks* that the new video game Grand Theft Auto IV is “raising our kids,” along with “video culture.” Look pal. Your Wonkette bought that gun game the other day and was IDed at Best Buy, because you have to be a million years old to buy it. So you obviously have no idea what you are talking about since the correct phraseology would’ve been, “Best Buy is raising our kids — to have no fun.” Elitist. [YouTube]

Hey look, it’s Ron Paul fighting Hitler and somehow winning. Last time I checked, Hitler had a lot more political success than Paul, but I guess that’s TBD, right? Paul will get his chance to be the next Hitler when his blimp project crashes and burns too — because yes, it took off this morning! More to come on that. [YouTube]

Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) has punished his poor interns by forcing them to put together a terrible flash video game in which you choose your own “CARRIED INTEREST ADVENTURE.” Private Equity is at risk and only you can save it! There’s a “deep throat” in a parking garage warning about how Nancy Pelosi is attacking our pension funds from her invisible Wonder Woman plane and the villain is Charlie Rangel or something and really it’s too utterly insane to even mock. Go play it!

Carried Interest Adventure [Eric Cantor]

Hey, remember when the TSA discovered people traveling with cheese and wires and declared it to be signs of terrorist dry runs? But then it turns out that they weren’t? Well, now we’re going to make extra sure that they aren’t. Gaming nerds will think twice before they bring their precious Nintendo Wiis and XBox 360s and PlayStation Whatevers onto airplanes in their carry-on bags, because now they’re going to have to fish them out and put them on the conveyor belt at the security checkpoint, just like you have to do with your laptop! MORE »

What does John Kerry do when he’s trapped in First Class for several hours and tragically unable to issue statements on legislation, global warming, things Don Imus said and the new 1/3-pound Angus McBurger? MORE »

• Yesterday was godless Hollywood elite day on cable, as Clooney and Penn battled each other in depth of sincerity contest. [Think Progress; Newbusters]

• The Nancy Grace award for “savage sadism” still searching for a recipient as vicious as the woman herself. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Angelina Jolie’s time is up and the UN needs a new pair of spokestitties for its High Council on Refugees. [Impeccableliberalcredentials]
• Chuck Colson, as clueless about gays as he is about breaking into office buildings. [Good As You]
• Meeting of the Non-Aligned Nations in Cuba this week bears no resemblance to the final scene of Team America: World Police, really. All photos courtesy of the CIA. [LGF]
• Mayor of Gallatin, TN rents city hall out for porno film shoot that’s not really porno, more like late night Spike TV. [Tennessean]
• Unsurprisingly, the new “Night of Bush Capturing” terrorism simulation video game is pretty fun. [The Jawa Report]

• A Republican conspiracy behind falling oil prices is impossible, cause they’re not actually falling, sorry. [TPMMuckraker]

• A former guest on Nancy Grace’s show has committed suicide - usually it’s just watching the show that makes you want to kill yourself. [Hit & Run]
• As a youth, nerd king Ben Bernanke carried around a slang dictionary in his pocket so he wouldn’t look like a “square” if he saw a “bird” he “dug.” [Bloomberg]
• While the US has multi-billion dollar Global War On Terror to curb extremism, the Russians use vodka and a few good hookers. [Shakespeare's Sister]
• Massive new “Ground One” amusement park being built in California. Just like “Ground Zero,” only better. [YouTube]
• Video gamers refuse to vote until ballot machines “get better graphics, dude.” [Slashdot]

Regardless of your position on the current Middle East crisis, there’s one thing we can all agree on: video game violence is just the skill-building motivator our children need to get out there and make something of themselves. Take Daniel Taylor of Baltimore, who, despite never having been there and not speaking Hebrew, is heeding the call of his people and joining the IDF. Daniel comes well-trained, having studied marksmanship at the 4-H. Despite that seemingly marking him as a time-traveler from 1950, Daniel’s not lacking for modern know-how: MORE »

• Katherine Harris pens blog post, incites flurry of pandering to Florida’s Cuban voters. [The Hill Blog]

• Ousted from Connecticut, Juan Liebermantienez to lead coup in Cuba. [The Satirical Political Report]
• Vanity Fair releases military tapes from 9/11, titles article as if it were a classic rock box set. [Vanity Fair]
• The Republican party of Oregon, apparently more racist than in other states. [Oregon Live]
• Expect one less mysterious “tax” on your phone bill as Congress closes books on Spanish American War. [News.com]
• Christians pray for stability in Iraq, so they can hurry up and start proselytizing. [The Carpetbagger Report]
• Relive all the hot Texan backrub action at the G-8 with this new video game — fastest finger wins! [Addicting Games]