Tag Archives: video

  Vote for Ted Cruz and his boomstick

Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon

“In Texas,” says Canadian-born Cuban Ted Cruz, “we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.” How’s that, you’re not even wondering, but he’s gonna show you anyway. See, while other Americans might cook bacon the lazy way — on the stovetop or in the oven or maybe even the microwave — Texas-Americans drive to their favorite local gun range, wrap strips of bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, POW! POW! POW! at a target until the bacon grease collects in a pool on the ground, and voila! It’s both an efficient and hygienic way of enjoying the cornerstone of any healthy breakfast. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon…
  You punch your mother with that fist?

Who Is Chris Christie Punching In The Face Today?

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a raging dick — but that’s not a bug, it’s a feature. It’s his brand, and he’s damn proud of it, and he’s never going to change, eff you, buddy. His pitch to voters is: “It’s time to start offending people.” This strategy has worked well for him in New Jersey, where 65 percent of voters are only saying he’d be a god-frickin’-awful president because they lurve him so much, they want to keep him for themselves. Read more on Who Is Chris Christie Punching In The Face Today?…
  You'll have clean air and like it

President Obama Sends Climate Change Memo To America’s Idiots

So remember how President Obama planned to spend his summer vacation trying to save the world? Done and done, apparently. Why the president is still convinced we need some sort of “plan” to deal with our impending doom is utterly beyond us. We all saw Sen. Jim Inhofe’s snowball indisputably proving climate change is a hoax perpetrated by some dumb money-grubbing scientists. And the pope. And the rest of the world. But the president has decided that trying to cram clean power down our throats is a good use of his time. When he’s not on the golf course, that is, HAW HAW HAW. Read more on President Obama Sends Climate Change Memo To America’s Idiots…
  Get Your Nerd On

None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout

'I've got the strangest feeling that my face wants to sit down'
Happy Saturday, nerdlings! We have all sorts of geeky goodies for you today, so warm up your Oscillation Overthrusters, make sure you have enough gigawatts for your flux capacitors, and have another cup of coffee. Also, you may as well give up on any hope that you’ll get a decent cup of tea from Zaphod Beeblebrox. It ain’t gonna happen. Read more on None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout…
  Hot Cop Dana Perino gonna arrest Planned Parenthood

Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies

Oh look, here is former George W. Bush spokesditz and current Fox Blonde Dana Perino, doing a dumb on the teevee again. Yes, again. What crawled up her butt and died this time? Did her husband get arrested some more? No, it’s The Media (stupid media, you stupids!), of which she is definitely not a member, even though she is on a show called “The Five,” on Fox News, which supposedly does news and is therefore The Media, so what the flippity fuck is she even blah-blahing about? She is all riled up because no one in The Media is covering these bogus sting videos of Planned Parenthood at all, which you probably haven’t heard about because The Media refuses to report on them (five million different ways), and which, according to dumb dick cohost Fox Guy are EVEN WORSE than those terrible videos of ISIS beheadings. Seriously. Read more on Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies…
  tits on the brain

Mike Huckabee Worried All The Military Ladies Will Want Fancy New Sex Boobies Now

Gonna talk about the female anatomy now.
Mike Huckabee took some time out from smuggling the Jews off Barack Obama’s Iranian Auschwitz train this week to make some more weird comments about boobies. He’s worried that if transgenders get to be in the military and go into battle for our fine nation, then the ladies in the military will be like “UNFAIR, I want a boob job, where’s my boob job?” Because that is a thing all women do, when confronted with the reality of the transgender experience. Here are Huckabee’s mouth words: Read more on Mike Huckabee Worried All The Military Ladies Will Want Fancy New Sex Boobies Now…
  2060 Protest Sign: Keep Government Out Of My Obamacare!

Medicare Turns 50, F*ck You Zombie Reagan

Today’s a special birthday! Fifty years ago today, Medicare and Medicaid were signed into law by that notorious communist, Lyndon Johnson. As a special treat, here’s Ronald Reagan telling us in 1961 that Medicare would inevitably lead to a socialist takeover of America, and by golly, he was right! Here we are, 50 years later, living under the thumb of a communist dictatorship, as oppressed Americans demand the government keep its filthy hands off their Medicare. Have any of you Olds taken the time to tell your children about how nice America was in 1965, when men were still free? Read more on Medicare Turns 50, F*ck You Zombie Reagan…
  We Sure Are Tired Of All These Isolated Incidents

Cincinnati Campus Cop Actually Charged With Murdering Black Guy On Camera, Weird

It’s not every day that you see a prosecutor describe a cop’s deadly actions as “a senseless, asinine shooting.” But that’s what Hamilton County prosecuting attorney Joseph T. Deters called the killing of Samuel Dubose, who was shot to death July 19 during a traffic stop. Ray Tensing, the University of Cincinnati campus policeman who shot Dubose, was indicted Wednesday on charges of murder and voluntary manslaughter. And like the shooting of Walter Scott in North Charleston, South Carolina, the murder charges almost certainly wouldn’t have happened had the incident not been captured on video. Guess we have to take back a lot of our fears of Big Brother: The surveillance state is starting to look like the only way white cops will ever be prosecuted for shooting black people. Read more on Cincinnati Campus Cop Actually Charged With Murdering Black Guy On Camera, Weird…
  Sorry You Can't Handle How Right I Am

Mike Huckabee: Maybe Holocaust Metaphor ‘Not A Good One.’ Or Maybe It Was AWESOME!

Mike Huckabee feels right bad about having ruffled some feathers with his comments about how the Iran nuclear deal is exactly like the Holocaust, with Barack Obama preparing to “take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.” Except that he isn’t sorry at all, because it was a terrific metaphor. That maybe he shouldn’t have used in exactly those words. But it’s really accurate. That’s the gist of his stumbling, sorry-not-sorry discussion of the comments in a Yahoo News interview with Katie Couric, in which Huckabee flops around like an impressive presidential-candidate flounder that’s brought along its own gaffe. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Maybe Holocaust Metaphor ‘Not A Good One.’ Or Maybe It Was AWESOME!…
  Yep he's just trolling now

Donald Trump Knows Climate Change Is Just Classy, Luxurious Version Of Weather

The effects of climate change, weather, whatever you want to call it.
Donald Trump would build a YOOOOOOOGE fence around climate change, if it even existed: “The real climate change is going to be nuclear climate change if we’re not smart and tough and very, very careful because that’s a big danger and that’s a real danger,” Trump said. “I think Obama just said that the biggest threat that we have on the planet today is climate change, and a lot of people are saying, did he really say that? We have people chopping off heads and he’s talking about climate change. I call it weather. I call it weather. You know, the weather changes.” Read more on Donald Trump Knows Climate Change Is Just Classy, Luxurious Version Of Weather…
  It's like 'We Are The World' Without Singing

No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom

Listen to your science fiction president, America
Here is a fun little ad about how to not do war with Iran. We really like it! It features Morgan Freeman, Jack Black, Queen Noor, a lady from that Oranges In Prison show, and the guy from that one movie where Ben Affleck saved America, plus an actual spy (Shhh! It’s Valerie Plame!) and a real ambassador guy who was never in a movie. Put together by an outfit called Global Zero, which has the utopian goal of eliminating nuclear weapons — surely as impossible a dream as ending the Cold War — the ad spoofs the alarmism of the crowd opposing the Iran nuclear deal, and soberly reminds us that the real risk isn’t that we’ll all get zapped by Iranian nukes, but that we’ll end up in another goddamned Forever War in the Middle East. It works! Read more on No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom…
  Actually Most Mad Scientists Are Just Engineers

Hillary Clinton Whips Out Her Big Science Brain To Make Republicans Jealous

Science: It's hard.
Here’s Hillary Clinton’s new campaign ad, a pleasant if not incredibly edgy Old-Horror-Movie smack at all the Republicans who are simultaneously not scientists but 103 percent sure there’s no such thing as Global Warming. Wisely, the gothic horror subtitles are kept to a minimum, giving the not-scientists plenty of time to say dumb things so we can yell at the screen, “No, you’re wrong! That’s not right at all! You are a stupid, stupid person to think that!” And it closes with a web address for Clinton’s email sign-up page, although it takes a couple more clicks to actually reach her detailed policy goals on renewable energy. She takes the radical position that climate change is real, when any fool knows she should be telling women to get married and have babies for a better America. Read more on Hillary Clinton Whips Out Her Big Science Brain To Make Republicans Jealous…
  Break Out The Carrot Cake

Bugs Bunny Is 75, And Now You Feel Like An Old

Hero of our nation
Here’s your Pop Culture Milestone for the day: Today marks the 75th anniversary of the release of the very first Bugs Bunny cartoon, “A Wild Hare,” directed by the great Tex Avery. Oh, sure, we could bore you with a lot of history, like Time Magazine does, about the disputed origins of the character’s name: Read more on Bugs Bunny Is 75, And Now You Feel Like An Old…
  We like this Obama

President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes

Just pointing out the obvious
Now that President Barry H. O’Bamz is this close to being SO outta here and SO done with all of our bullcrap, he really does not give a good goddamn. And he will say anything he wants to say. He will say the N-word, even though you pasty white mofos on Fox don’t get to, unfair! — and then he’ll say the P-word, the Q-word, the silent H-word, and all the other words, too. Read more on President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes…
  Get Your Nerd On

NASA Discovers Earthlike Planet For Donald Trump To Be President Of: Your Saturday Nerdout

But is it a 'Class M' planet?
It’s Saturday, and time to be ridin’ Nerdy. We really wanted to show you an allegedly cool video of Neil deGrasse Tyson explaining the history of the universe in under eight minutes, but it got “removed as a violation of YouTube’s policy on repetitive, misleading or inappropriate metadata.” So there you go: Not even NdGT can sneak “live nude girls” into metadata on a science video. Once those metadata issues get fixed — shouldn’t Neil have his own personal Mr. Scott? — we’ll give that sucker another try. Read more on NASA Discovers Earthlike Planet For Donald Trump To Be President Of: Your Saturday Nerdout…
  Since When Is The Supreme Court Supreme?

Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works

Rachel has the best WTF face
Not that he’s desperate or anything, but Rick Santorum chose a pretty weird place for an interview. He sat down with Rachel Maddow for a chat Wednesday, far away from the comfortably familiar Idiot Crew at Fox News. We guess he wanted to show that he could hold his own against the Liberal Media’s most prominent nerd or something. They exchanged compliments: Maddow thinks he’s one of the best communicators in the Republican field, especially with a live crowd, and Santorum respects that she’s tough but sticks to policy, not personal attacks. And despite her generous suggestion to brainstorm some ways of picking a fight with Donald Trump so he can raise his profile enough to get into the first GOP debate in August, Santorum politely declined the offer. Heck, he could try calling Trump an asshole. Noting that he’d run a close second to Mitt Romney in the 2012 primaries, Maddow asked Santorum why all that support has evaporated. Santorum’s answer: it’s early yet, they’ll all come back, you’ll see. (Fun fact: That’s not the real answer. The real answer is that he benefited from being the least freakish — barely — of the anyone-but-Mitt candidates.) Read more on Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works…