Tag Archives: victoria jackson

  Circular Firing Squad

NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub

Douche fight! Douche fight!
Better take cover, kids, because there’s a big ol’ Battle of the Rightwing True Believers a-brewin’, and there’s no telling where the stray rounds will hit. Seems that Grover Norquist is getting a little Politics of Personal Destruction thrown his way as he seeks reelection to the National Rifle Association’s Board of Directors. The whole ugly slapfight is covered in excruciating detail by Chaotic Evil Breitbart Horcrux Matthew Boyle, who chronicles the internecine dustup with all the enthusiasm of a junior high school girl telling all about the big cafeteria brawl that got That Bitch Melanie and That Other Bitch Breeanna a week of after-school detention. Read more on NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub…
  Whine and Jesus Party

Saturday Night Live Discriminated All Over Victoria Jackson’s Free Gay-Hating Speech

Let's get both these kids in the next Wes Anderson movie
Like many Americans who now regret it, we watched the great big Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary program Sunday, and we kept looking over at our 17-year-old son and explaining that the show didn’t so much suck as that it was just trying to recreate the feel of every single sketch that ran after “Weekend Update” for 40 years. And of course, we kept an eye out for former cast members who didn’t quite make it onstage, like Sen. Al Franken, who was definitely there, and Victoria Jackson, who was nowhere to be seen. WELL! Turns out that V-Jack was there all right, but she was shunted off into the overflow room, not given a seat in the studio audience. She’s not sure why that happened, but she bets it’s maybe because she’s a Christian who stands up for Traditional Marriage! Or maybe some young’un on the production staff just confused her with another crazy blond lady from the internet and worried that she’d storm the stage, grab the mic, and shout that America would never submit to Muslim rule. Read more on Saturday Night Live Discriminated All Over Victoria Jackson’s Free Gay-Hating Speech…
  What a quandary

GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb

See that crew cut up there? That’s Scott Perry, representative for Pennsylvania’s fourth congressional district, spanning a wide swath along the portion of the state known as Pennsyltucky, which is basically everything between Philly and Pittsburgh, a general morass of meth and dumb interspersed with the occasional Amish. Anyway, Perry was hanging out with Yr Wonkette’s second-favorite Mooslim-hater — really, you need to ask who’s number one? — the other day for something called the Defeat Jihad Summit, which must have been a hoot, can’t believe we missed it. Eventually the subject turned, as these things do, to the Authorization to Use Military Force against the Islamic State that the president requested earlier this week. Read more on GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb…
  Fox Apology For Benghazi Coverage Scheduled For June 2019

Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace

It's like a French TV version of Wonkette!
Drudge Sirens! Fox News actually apologized for spreading a completely made-up story about supposed “no-go zones” in England and France — areas where officials supposedly have agreed to let Muslims run things according to the dictates of Sharia, without interference from police or fire services, and where non-Muslims enter at the risk of their own lives. On Saturday night, when even Fox News addicts aren’t watching TV, Fox’s Julie Banderas offered this “correction” to a myth the network had been pushing since shortly after the terrorist attacks in Paris: Read more on Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace…
  nice time!

Gay City Council Candidate Happy To Tick Off Baptists With ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’ Fundraiser

Dude, your photo's all Batman and stuff
The smiling left-leaning fellow in the photo is Nashville’s John Lasiter (no, the Pixar guy is John Lasseter; pay attention!), the city’s first openly gay candidate for Metro Council. And because he’s a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything, he’s doing a somewhat counterintuitive kind of fundraiser in October, featuring a screening of a film by “writer-director-producer Del Shores” called Southern Baptist Sissies, a film adaptation of a 2006 play by Shores. Read more on Gay City Council Candidate Happy To Tick Off Baptists With ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’ Fundraiser…
  He Also Shares A Name With A Muppet On Socialist Public TV

Victoria Jackson Will Root Out The Muslim Menace (Grover Norquist)

You just knew this would come out
American Hero and unsuccessful county supervisor candidate Victoria Jackson is very concerned about the Muslim Threat in America, of course, and is especially sad to see that even supposed conservatives like Grover Norquist are secretly helping to help Sharia Law creep into Our America. And so she has published a very thoughtful examination of Grover Norquist’s disloyalty to America, in a two-part series that is Just Asking Questions: Is Republican Grover Norquist Connected to Islamic Terrorists? Also, Who is Grover Norquist? Friend or Foe? Read more on Victoria Jackson Will Root Out The Muslim Menace (Grover Norquist)…
  Weep Weep For Your Fallen Heroes

Victoria Jackson, Stacy Campfield Fare Worse In Tennessee Elections Than Confederate Army At Vicksburg

On a day like today, only a crying eagle and an American flag will do.
Sad, sad, sad news out of the great state of Tennessee, where two Wonkette favorites went down to defeat on Thursday in their campaigns for public office. Get out your hankies, people, for today we weep for comedy and for America. Read more on Victoria Jackson, Stacy Campfield Fare Worse In Tennessee Elections Than Confederate Army At Vicksburg…
  Wonkette Vagina Dentata Panties: Tasteful By Comparison

This Victoria Jackson Story Has A Video Of A Butt That Opens Beers

It's a bottle opener but it's a can, too!
Wonkette Best Frenemy Victoria Jackson is, of course, running for a County Commissioner seat in Williamson County, Tennessee. But that’s not her only hobby! She is also using her influential voice to help other likeminded candidates, like Williamson County School Board member Mark Gregory, who’s seeking reelection to a fourth term. Mr. Gregory is just the sort of person Victoria Jackson wants making school policy: He opposes Common Core because he believes “there are federal fingerprints all over these standards,” and if the federal government says Thomas Jefferson was the third president, then Mark Gregory’s against it. Read more on This Victoria Jackson Story Has A Video Of A Butt That Opens Beers…
  the dumb is out there

Shasta County Supervisors Going To Get To The Bottom Of This Whole Chemtrails Thing

Do you live in Shasta County, California? If so, you really need to come and collect your County Board of Supervisors, because they just unanimously voted to explore, in a seemingly unironic fashion, the wide world of chemtrails. Unanimously. As in no one disagreed with this plan of action. We checked to see if Victoria Jackson held office in Shasta County, because that would explain so much, but we guess she lives in Tennessee. Apparently the government is spraying stupid in a pattern that covers both California AND Tennessee. Will they stop at nothing? Read more on Shasta County Supervisors Going To Get To The Bottom Of This Whole Chemtrails Thing…
  handstand your ground

Serious Candidate Victoria ‘She’s Serious’ Jackson Will Save America From Obama’s Tyranny With Serious New Ad

Thank Loki and Coyote, our favorite political trickster hero, Victoria Jackson, has unleashed a spanking-new ad for her campaign to win election to a county commission in Tennessee. Her very own blog headline for this thing is “Victoria Jackson Campaign Video # 2,” and we couldn’t agree more with that assessment. Come, let us delight in its beautiful pointlessness. Read more on Serious Candidate Victoria ‘She’s Serious’ Jackson Will Save America From Obama’s Tyranny With Serious New Ad…
  fear of a wack planet

Iowa Senate Candidate Joni Ernst Will Castrate UN’s Evil ‘Agenda 21′ Plot To Make You Ride A Bicycle

Who could have predicted this? Joni Ernst, whose adorable PigBalls ad won her Iowa’s Republican nomination for Senate, is also afraid of the United Nations’ Agenda 21, which she is pretty sure is a global environmentalist plot to force everyone to live in cities and mingle with hippies. The Iowa Democratic Party released an ad featuring Ernst at a campaign event last November, explaining what Agenda 21 is all about: One of the implications to Americans, again, going back to what did it do to the individual family here in the state of Iowa, and what I’ve seen, the implications that it has here is moving people off of their agricultural land and consolidating them into city centers, and then telling them that you don’t have property rights anymore. These are all things that the UN is behind, and it’s bad for the United States and bad for families here in the state of Iowa.” Yes, that is pretty much a Victoria Jackson level of stupid conspiracy bullshit. She’s probably going to go all the way to Washington with that. Read more on Iowa Senate Candidate Joni Ernst Will Castrate UN’s Evil ‘Agenda 21′ Plot To Make You Ride A Bicycle…
  allah them katie

Muslim-Lover Supreme Court Jerks Won’t Raze Tennessee Mosque, We Are All Going To Die

Has Victoria Jackson been informed of this? The U.S. Supreme Court has declined the chance to save Tennessee from rampant sharia law, or at least it won’t intervene in a bullshit case claiming that the Islamic Center of Murfreesboro was constructed without adequate public notice. Opponents of the existence of Muslims had filed the suit back in 2010, claiming that the building permit was issued improperly and that the mosque should therefore be razed or something. A member of the Islamic Center board said he was happy that the case was finally over, and Joe Brandon Jr., the attorney for the plaintiffs, admitted defeat, saying “It’s in the Lord’s hands now … We have done all we can do.” In Tennessee, that probably translates to “maybe if we’re lucky someone will try arson again, though heaven knows we’d never actually say that out loud.” Read more on Muslim-Lover Supreme Court Jerks Won’t Raze Tennessee Mosque, We Are All Going To Die…
  wankin' it

Victoria Jackson’s Tiny Cartoon Genital Crusade Finally Making It To The Big Time

Some months ago, our dearly departed Doktor Zoom, who apparently thinks he can take personal days just because we told him personal days don’t roll over and he should take some personal days, brought you the hilarious story of Victoria Jackson’s crusade against tiny cartoon genitals in the 20-year-old book It’s Perfectly Normal. We get a lot of larfs at Miss Jackson’s expense, but it’s just Victoria Jackson, right? RIGHT? Well not anymore! TruthRevolt, the website from the prodigious brain of ball of smegma Ben Shapiro, breathlessly reports that ANGRY PARENTS are ANGRY about tiny cartoon genitals in a 20-year-old book, which — please, pregnant ladies, leave the room — has ALSO BEEN ENDORSED BY PLANNED PARENTHOOD. Read more on Victoria Jackson’s Tiny Cartoon Genital Crusade Finally Making It To The Big Time…
  let the eagle soar

13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert

CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman on “The Late Show,” leaving one really important question unanswered: if Stephen Colbert becomes David Letterman, who then will be Stephen Colbert? Never fear. We’ve compiled an incisive and trenchant and helpful list of 13 People Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert. Read more on 13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert…
  obligatory toonces/handstand joke goes here

Victoria Jackson Makes Local Press Debut, Is Ready To Take On Her Muslim Neighbor

Victoria Jackson is ready to be elected as the next member of the County Commission of Williamson County, Tennessee, and she proves it in an interview with the Nashville Tennessean. She just wants to save America, or at least her corner of it, from everything that’s going wrong, and like lots of wingnuts, she thinks that includes just about everything. Kudos to reporter Jamie Page for going to Thompson’s Station, Tennessee, to meet Jackson for his profile of Wonkette’s Favorite Frenemy; it’s both critical and fair, which is a pretty tough balancing act to pull off. (Happily, we can be a little less journalistic here.) He starts the piece with a mention of one of V-Jack’s recent gifts to the world, which we had somehow missed, in which she responded to a Muslim family moving in near her neighborhood with a blog post titled “Civilization Jihad Hits Home (my back yard, literally”). She wasn’t just worried about the presence of the new neighbors, Daoud Abudiab and his family; no, she was especially exercised that Mr. Abudiab had the gall to speak at a school board meeting and question good patriotic Americans’ fears that school textbooks are “suddenly biased toward Islam.” She’s pretty sure that Abudiab’s concerns for his son and his mention of the 2007 firebombing of the Columbia Islamic Center are really just a sinister ploy for sympathy: “Playing the victim is part of the strategy in stealth jihad.” So anyway, what we’re saying is that Victoria Jackson got her name in the local paper. She even talked to the reporter, so it’s good to know that although the lamestream media is full of lies, she’s still willing to engage with them. Read more on Victoria Jackson Makes Local Press Debut, Is Ready To Take On Her Muslim Neighbor…
  song of the soused

Victoria Jackson Makes Compelling Case For More Than Zero Rehearsals

Ladies and Gentlemen, here is Victoria Jackson, your next County Commissioner for Williamson County, Tennessee, singing a song that’s straight from the teabagger id, all about Barack Obama and how he is coming to take away everything from you, leaving you nothing but food stamps and teensy-tiny drawings of genitals. It’s a catchy little ditzy ditty that she was so excited to have written that she just had to get it on YouTube immediately, without actually remembering all the words or anything. The first couple of stanzas are awful enough, though they don’t make a heck of a lot of sense — apparently Obama is a communist, and one of the worst thing he’s done is that he’s “messed up Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security” too. So those socialist programs were working just fine before Barry Bamz got his “Marxist Muslim” hands on them? (Yes, we know, we have now given this song more though than its author did.) Read more on Victoria Jackson Makes Compelling Case For More Than Zero Rehearsals…
  sects fiend

Victoria Jackson Freaks Out Over Tiny Cartoony Genitals

Oh, boy, campers, looks like V-Jack is on a tear again! This time, she has discovered that there are a lot of books in public schools that she disagrees with! Just try and decipher this paragraph, which is not from a public school textbook, but from the blog of Victoria Jackson, which is a woman, that, wants to fix the schools so they are, better and more good, too: The current textbooks being used in public schools today, that your children are reading, memorizing and being tested on, are inaccurate, revisionist, anti-American, racist, climate change propaganda based on fake science, anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, pro-Islam, Marxist, globalist, pro-Socialism/Communism, pro-homosexuality, pro-abortion, and sexually explicit. Below is a list of examples and… who wrote the Pearson Publishing textbooks, that TN schools are now using. (Related story, as of Dec. 2013, Pearson Foundation fined millions for violating laws. Story here.) That sure was a cogent argument for why children need a better education than Victoria Jackson received, wouldn’t you all agree? Read more on Victoria Jackson Freaks Out Over Tiny Cartoony Genitals…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Waltz Through A Wonderland of Weird

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, where we take a wire brush to our browser tabs, douse ‘em with brain bleach, and bring you the stories that were too stupid to ignore. We recommend a healthy portion of your favorite reality-dilution elixir before reading on. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Waltz Through A Wonderland of Weird…
  becki-becki-becki stan

Glenn Beck Logic Time: Creationists Are Galileo, And Bill Nye, ‘Science’ Guy, Is The Catholic Church Inquisitioning Them

Glenn Beck, what is up with you? You pass into seeming irrelevance, and then alla sudden, you are getting an amazeballs amount of attention. Within a few hours of our story yesterday about how you felt kinda-sorta sorry that you divided America with all your divisiveness, we also learned that you said that Bill Nye is oppressing creationists just like the Vatican silenced Galileo, and that Victoria Jackson has de-friended you because, ew, you like teh ghey, and then there was that weird thing where you said that demonic forces are the main reason your teevee network isn’t being picked up by cable. You are one busy little guy! That flurry of activity is probably going to culminate in another prediction of a HUGE NEWS SCOOP that will peter out to nothing, huh? And then the crying, always the crying, and then you’ll go back to muttering about the plot to keep you down. Read more on Glenn Beck Logic Time: Creationists Are Galileo, And Bill Nye, ‘Science’ Guy, Is The Catholic Church Inquisitioning Them…
  today in the arts

Here Are Your Victoria Jackson Campaign Posters, You Liberal Commie Monsters

We asked you to help Wonkette frenemy Victoria Jackson with her inspiring run for alderthingie of her hometown in Tennessee (not Florida, stupid internet), and you came through! Our winning entry is from Gleem McShineys, and it is titled “V-Jack’s Secretz Revealed.” We were taken by the technical proficiency, as well as the metaphorical eloquence of Ms. Jackson being an empty husk being piloted by a stuffed cat — a veritable Ouroboros of puppetry. We suppose that in a technical sense, since it lacks any words like “vote” or “alderman” or “Victoria Jackson 2014″ it may not actually count as a “campaign poster,” but then, maybe Gleem’s intent was to move beyond those shallow outward trappings and force voters to contemplate the inner workings of America’s political machinery. Discuss amongst yourselves. Read more on Here Are Your Victoria Jackson Campaign Posters, You Liberal Commie Monsters…
  But THIS time it will work maybe except not

GOP Has New New NEW Plan To Woo The Ladies But For Reals This Time

Remember back in 2012 when Republicans were all, like, “Heyyyyyyyyyy ladies,” and the ladies were all, like, “Fuck you, assholes,” and did not vote for Republicans because they are Republicans and also assholes? (But we repeat ourselves.) So since it’s a day that ends in “y,” Republicans have a shinier newer plan to make the ladies like them. It’s basically like the eleventeen trillion other shiny new plans they’ve come up with since 2012 to make the ladies like them, and it’ll probably work just as well. As in, not at all. But give Republicans their due: Just because a shiny new plan doesn’t work the first time or the second time or the fortieth time — like repealing Obamacare, say, or preemptively impeaching President Hillary Clinton for that time she Benghazi’d freedom — doesn’t mean they’re just going to give up. Hell no, they are not cut-and-run defeatocrats. They are Republicans, and they will use their Republican sticktoitiveness to make a failed idea fail a THOUSAND times if they have to. So here’s the new plan: Read more on GOP Has New New NEW Plan To Woo The Ladies But For Reals This Time…