Just a few short months ago, your Wonkette loved the snow dwarf Sarah Palin and all the adorable scrapes she got into — for example, being sexily “rear-ended” by a complete stranger outside Anchorage. But then one fateful day in late August, cruel John McCain had to nominate Sarah Palin for vice president, and overnight the charming and harmless governor of a charming and harmless state transformed into a snarling, sneering peddler of ignorant racist garbage, and we were sad. MORE »

Poor Ben Porritt. The other night this tragic McCain spokesflak was on David Shuster’s show, trying to explain Sarah Palin’s latest stupidity about how the First Amendment should protect her from being criticized by the press, and it was very clear that this sad young douche needs a vacation. But with only a few days and eleventy states left for John McCain to campaign in, Ben Porritt has no time for sleep, or for saying things that make sense. Instead he had this bit of weirdness to say about Joe Biden this weekend: MORE »

Last week Sarah Palin was exposed as a vulgar fraud for parading around various poor white trash rallies in gazillion-dollar suits made by foreign elite gays and financed by a shadowy hedonist cabal called “the RNC”. She didn’t say anything about this terrible scandal for a while, because she trusted American voters would be more concerned about “real issues” like Barack Obama’s terrorist pals, who include Karl Marx. But after a few days of bad press she started saying things like, “These clothes isn’t mines,” and by this weekend she had reverted to wearing tragic street urchins’ rags to show she is a Real Pro-America American. MORE »

Ha ha ha darling cub reporter Damon Weaver is the next Liz Glover! Joe Biden totally treats this wee child like a normal press person — invading his personal space, saying “literally” when he means “figuratively,” and promising that President Barack Obama will start a million foreign wars as soon as he’s in office. The Biden part of the video starts around 3:30 and is just absurdly cute. [YouTube via Prose Before Hos]

America never really had an occasion to think about Michael Dukakis for about oh TWENTY YEARS until he showed up in a nice NYT graphic yesterday proving, conclusively, that he could never have defeated George H.W. Bush in an election because he was half a foot shorter. Dukakis was a hilarious failure of a candidate, and now he says the Obama campaign is doing better than his did, which is a true and obvious statement. MORE »

Oh God Joe Biden is hilarious. He cannot go more than 45 minutes without saying something incredibly awkward. Fortunately, he is so used to making embarrassing remarks that he’s like, “Enh, well, start the clock again people!” and just moves on to the next GAFFE. His Secret Service code name is Gaffey McGaffesalot, because he makes so many gaffes, even in his dreams where he makes rude remarks to articulate wheelchair-bound Indian operators of 7/11s while plagiarizing the Constitution. [Gawker/Daily Intel/YouTube]

AMERICAblog has posted the comical tale of a New Mexico resident who went to a popular local restaurant yesterday and saw the Republican candidates, in the flesh, who both basically ignored him even though he had a cute baby with him. Why do Republicans hate cute babies and men with liberal elitist iPhones asking insolent questions? MORE »

The Democratic vice presidential candidate has nothing but wonderful praise for Sarah Palin and how fantastic her speech was last night. He doesn’t know how he could possibly win a debate with her, because she will be such a master debater! And John Roberts is all, “You’re raising expectations!!” because duh. [CNN]

Enh, what the hell. Here is a YouTube of Chris Matthews’s show in Charlie Brown’s Outdoor Park in Minneapolis: a fitting place for Chris Matthews, because his head is exactly the size and shape of Charlie Brown’s (large, spherical). Norah O’Donnell looks, zoiks, sort of indignant! Rachel Maddow makes terrible feedbacks on her microphone! Pat Buchanan is exasperated! Gene Robinson wonders where the other bodies are buried! We are going back to bed for two hours or so, good night/morning. [MSNBC via YouTube]

Here is the story of how John McCain picked his running mate: after Barack Obama selected Joe Biden instead of Hillary Clinton, McCain went on a six-day Nyquil bender and at the end of it slurred, “Get me one of them wimmins.” He had always had his heart set on another salty warmonger like himself: Joe Lieberman. But conservatives hated Joe Lieberman for being an abortionist, and there just wasn’t enough room on one ticket for such a terrifying abundance of old man cheeks. MORE »

This morning we were watching the Fox News as Karl Rove tried to explain why Sarah Palin was really the perfect vice president for MAVERICK McCain: because she is a Maverick too, and now they can both be Mavericks together in the snowy hills of the last outpost of the Russian empire, Alaska. Then a bunch of big journalists came on and talked about how they all have “egg on their face” for being so preoccupied with Pawlenty and Romney etc. the past few weeks instead of some beautiful nobody from the North. The question is, should the entire mainstream media be lined up against a wall, shot, and sent in ten envelopes to St. Paul because they did not seriously entertain the idea of John McCain picking a harmless local politician for nomination to the second-highest office in the land? MORE »