Joe Biden has one job this election: to get the Bitters in Pennsylvania to vote for a black Muslim. That is literally all he has to do. Maybe Ohio, too, but mostly Pennsylvania, because he was of course born there! In Scranton, the famous town where Happiness goes to die. On Friday, he went to Northeast Philadelphia — “The Scranton of Philadelphia” — to meet some old white folks and tell ‘em about Barry. He even kissed some old gal on the forehead, but she was disgusted, because there’s a huge stumbling block among these “white ethnics” Joe Biden is targeting: they really, really hate black people. MORE »

WELL OF COURSE: “A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.” [CelebTV via Radar]

Sarah Palin will not be making an appearance at the RNC tonight, but why? Because you have to put Country First. Also: she’s a failure. [CBS2]

This is a “vlog” from New York City comedian Sara Benincasa doing her impression of snowbilly lady failure Sarah Palin, and it’s pretty funny — she has that accent down. Here’s part two, and here’s John McCain looking like a fool in the grocery store. [YouTube]

Wonkette Pregnancy Expert Sara K. Smith decrees that these whispers about Sarah Palin not being that baby’s mama are absurd, because everybody knows John Edwards is the mother of that baby. This supposed cover-up is also terrifically quaint compared to the actual crimes that Alaskan politicians commit every day: bribery, servant monkey commerce, more bribery, and of course the rape of our sacred English language. Plus didn’t everybody see The 40 Year Old Virgin? Hot grandmas are in. P.S. GODDAMMIT YOU ILLITERATE CRETINS IT IS “DOWN” SYNDROME, NOT “DOWN’S” SYNDROME. [Daily Kos]

Here’s one line of an e-mail from Wonkette tipster “Little R. Hen,” so secretive: “the first dude has a john edwards problem times ten zillion.” You heard it here first: Todd Plain gets four-thousand-zillion dollar haircuts. THERE ISN’T EVEN THAT MUCH MONEY ON EARTH, and yet.

• SARAH PALIN’S EXTENSIVE MILITARY EXPERIENCE: From a McCain statement about Sarah Palin: “As the head of Alaska’s National Guard and as the mother of a soldier herself, Gov. Palin understands what it takes to lead our nation and she understands the importance of supporting our troops.” And under Palin’s leadership, the Alaskan National Guard has pummeled northeastern Russia (our new Death Enemy) with some NUCLEAR WARBOMBS FROM SPACE, so we’re all set. [AP]

John McCain made a vice presidential choice, but no one knows her? Time to establish a complete waste-of-time TWITTER MEME in which one may use other INTERNET MEME JOKES to describe her. This is the most important Internet development since TUMBLR. Oh who are we kidding. We’re still getting over the lack of Mittens on this ticket, and it’ll take some time. [Twitter]

• 3:14 A.M.!!!: WOW, Barry Obama first lets every news network figure out his VP before his “fans,” and then he has the nerve to send the Biden text at 3:14 A.M. IN THE MORNING EASTERN TIME. Good thing we are awake for no reason. And yet: ha ha, “tech-savvy” Barack Obama just woke up his most devoted followers at 3:14 a.m. after a tiring work week. But we assume this is another red herring, with a secret clue — his actual running mate is the number “Pi” rounded to two decimal points.

• THEY ACTUALLY DID IT: *clap* *clap* to the Stay Red Kansas blog. Since it seems certain that Evan Bayh won’t get the nod, although who ever knows anything, they actually have made good on their pledge to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. That’s just too awesome for words. What a freaking day. The Obama campaign has produced a devastating and total mockery of the entire political media apparatus on this historic Friday. Hot damn, did the Internet wake up with its A-game or what? If it got any funnier we’d just have to bomb it. We’re going to have to bomb it, man. Gotta do it in right now. And in a few years this will be one of those Internet days we remember and just laugh.

BUH-BAYH: It’s not Bayh or Kaine, according to MSNBC. This Jack Reed thing is looking more and more likely. [MSNBC]