Wonkette

Sarah Palin will not be making an appearance at the RNC tonight, but why? Because you have to put Country First. Also: she’s a failure. [CBS2]

This is a “vlog” from New York City comedian Sara Benincasa doing her impression of snowbilly lady failure Sarah Palin, and it’s pretty funny — she has that accent down. Here’s part two, and here’s John McCain looking like a fool in the grocery store. [YouTube]

Wonkette Pregnancy Expert Sara K. Smith decrees that these whispers about Sarah Palin not being that baby’s mama are absurd, because everybody knows John Edwards is the mother of that baby. This supposed cover-up is also terrifically quaint compared to the actual crimes that Alaskan politicians commit every day: bribery, servant monkey commerce, more bribery, and of course the rape of our sacred English language. Plus didn’t everybody see The 40 Year Old Virgin? Hot grandmas are in. P.S. GODDAMMIT YOU ILLITERATE CRETINS IT IS “DOWN” SYNDROME, NOT “DOWN’S” SYNDROME. [Daily Kos]

Here’s one line of an e-mail from Wonkette tipster “Little R. Hen,” so secretive: “the first dude has a john edwards problem times ten zillion.” You heard it here first: Todd Plain gets four-thousand-zillion dollar haircuts. THERE ISN’T EVEN THAT MUCH MONEY ON EARTH, and yet.

• SARAH PALIN’S EXTENSIVE MILITARY EXPERIENCE: From a McCain statement about Sarah Palin: “As the head of Alaska’s National Guard and as the mother of a soldier herself, Gov. Palin understands what it takes to lead our nation and she understands the importance of supporting our troops.” And under Palin’s leadership, the Alaskan National Guard has pummeled northeastern Russia (our new Death Enemy) with some NUCLEAR WARBOMBS FROM SPACE, so we’re all set. [AP]

John McCain made a vice presidential choice, but no one knows her? Time to establish a complete waste-of-time TWITTER MEME in which one may use other INTERNET MEME JOKES to describe her. This is the most important Internet development since TUMBLR. Oh who are we kidding. We’re still getting over the lack of Mittens on this ticket, and it’ll take some time. [Twitter]

• 3:14 A.M.!!!: WOW, Barry Obama first lets every news network figure out his VP before his “fans,” and then he has the nerve to send the Biden text at 3:14 A.M. IN THE MORNING EASTERN TIME. Good thing we are awake for no reason. And yet: ha ha, “tech-savvy” Barack Obama just woke up his most devoted followers at 3:14 a.m. after a tiring work week. But we assume this is another red herring, with a secret clue — his actual running mate is the number “Pi” rounded to two decimal points.

• THEY ACTUALLY DID IT: *clap* *clap* to the Stay Red Kansas blog. Since it seems certain that Evan Bayh won’t get the nod, although who ever knows anything, they actually have made good on their pledge to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. That’s just too awesome for words. What a freaking day. The Obama campaign has produced a devastating and total mockery of the entire political media apparatus on this historic Friday. Hot damn, did the Internet wake up with its A-game or what? If it got any funnier we’d just have to bomb it. We’re going to have to bomb it, man. Gotta do it in right now. And in a few years this will be one of those Internet days we remember and just laugh.

BUH-BAYH: It’s not Bayh or Kaine, according to MSNBC. This Jack Reed thing is looking more and more likely. [MSNBC]

Oh man, thank you so much Wonkette operative “Dennis” for taking this screen shot of some blog called “Stay Red Kansas” that said it would SHUT THE MOTHERFUCKER DOWN if they were wrong about Evan Bayh being Obama’s choice. Ballsy! But if you go to this blog now, you’ll find that clause of confidence mysteriously removed! Uh oh, did… did it turn out you had an untrustworthy source or two? Well tough luck, Stay Red Kansas, it is too late — you will PUT THAT SHIT DOWN if Evan Bayh is not VP. We are watching. [Stay Red Kansas]

Today has been so fun! In the last however many hours, Tim Kaine, Chet Edwards and Bill Nelson have all been named Barack Obama’s vice president! And now Evan Bayh will DEFINITELY UNDOUBTEDLY get his turn as vice president, because of a PRESCIENT BUMPER STICKER: “KMBC’s Micheal Mahoney reported that the company, which specializes in political literature, has been printing Obama-Bayh material. That’s Bayh as in U.S. Sen. Evan Bayh of Indiana. Word leaked out about the material as it was being printed up by Gill Studios of Lenexa. The Obama campaign had said it would make the announcement by text message on Friday.” And Gill Studios wouldn’t deny it, so, well, you know! But this sticker doesn’t look very Barry-ish. For one, his name is in a RED background, and more importantly, stylish Barry would never stoop to the uncouth level of a serif font. Look at those ugly serifs! Evan Bayh is nothing. UPDATE: Oh no nevermind, he does use that serif font. Evan Bayh is the second black vice president of the United States. [KMBC]

We’ve been getting a bunch of referrals to this Fake Texting Scandal post from the other day, randomly, and the absolute best mention is this Associated Content column by a gal named Carol Bengle Gilbert. It is called “Obama Text Message Fakes: Prank Reminiscent of 4th Grade.” Let’s look a little closer at Gilbert’s column, especially the parts in which she insults her young child and confesses to getting “angry at Word,” as in the basic computer program. MORE »

OH HI POTUS ‘08 XM LISTENERS: Here is how you send terrible fake Obama veep TXT messages. [POTUS '08]

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo]