Wonkette

So what’s been going on with our greatest Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney, since we last spoke? Nothing much, just some new revelations about Cheney bein’ Cheney, hatin’ on the environment and such. In this latest news cycle, we have the tale of that time Cheney’s office once edited out six pages of the CDC director’s testimony to Congress regarding this: “CDC considers climate change a serious public health concern.” Silly egotistical CDC director. She’s obviously one of those people who gets pissed when her editors shake things up a bit — cutting commas, switching grafs, deleting major theses about climate change killing everyone, correcting split infinitives even if they do “sound” better. Any editor has dealt with these twits. We sympathize, Dick. [Washington Post]

• JIM WEBB WILL BE VICE PRESIDENT OF NOTHING: Ulster Scot fur-trading frontiersman Sen. Jim Webb has been a frequently mentioned vice presidential possibility for Barack Obama, because he is white and was in the Army for a while. Today, however, he effectively withdrew his name from contention in a statement about how much he luvs the Senate. This means Obama must choose him! [The Page]

Guess who will for sure be John McCain’s pretend vice president until November 4? Creepy businessman Mitt Romney, that’s who! According to a Super Exclusive and Very Weird Sentence by CO-ED Magazine, which is actually a website full of hot young girls who are more than half naked: “Sen. John McCain will choose businessman and former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney as Vice President, in his bid for the White House this November, a source closely connected with the McCain campaign, who asked to remain anonymous, told us earlier this afternoon.” MORE »

Vice presidential “hopeful” and Louisiana’s Mexican boy-governor, Bobby Jindal, has just signed into law a very special bill, because he is incapable of vetoing anything and also because HE IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. The bill (now law) here is called “the Sex Offender Chemical Castration Bill, SB 144, authorizing the castration of convicted sex offenders.” You know, forced castration of human beings, by The State. MORE »

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the Indian street urchin who is also somehow a Mexican Catholic exorcist, is 36-years-old and supposedly “beloved” by his backward state, for being charismatic and Strong. He has been a governor for literally -2 hours. The state has chosen this moment to start hating him, for reneging on a campaign pledge in a comical fashion that marks the birth of a new, iconic American Failure. MORE »

As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress. MORE »

When Bill Richardson, John Edwards, Bob Casey, Sam Nunn, and all those other nuts gave their various flavors of “endorsement” to Barack Obama, the chatter immediately switched to why each of them was the only possible choice to be Barack Obama’s black vice president. And then Hillary Clinton said something phunny, and people forgot about the endorsements entirely. This will somehow happen again. For now, let’s explore why Al Gore must be Obama’s black vice president if he wants any shot at this thing, and why it would be a great achievement for humble ol’ Albert Gore Jr. MORE »

• JIM JOHNSON QUITS OBAMA: Jim Johnson, one of the heads of Obama’s vice presidential steering committee, has already wussed out and given into Republican demands that he resign because of his friendship with terrible Subprimes. When will Caroline Kennedy quit the committee over her ties to a dead liberal father? [Ben Smith]

It is no surprise that John McCain loves Dick Cheney, ever since their halcyon days of fighting in the Vietnam War, without being captured, saving Jesus from the Commies, together, while on heroin. Just kidding, they were both in some form of jail during Vietnam — one for DWIs, the other for being a failed pilot. But would McCain “use” Cheney in his fake administration, or would he be so foolish as to dismiss Our Vice President’s cosmic approval ratings? MORE »

Cover your ears, Obamacans: Walter Mondale’s former campaign manager has constructed a bizarre and highly unlikely “nightmare scenario” for you that involves Hillary Clinton getting the vice presidential nomination without your Barry’s permission, basically by guilting all the superdelegates into backing her. MORE »