Tag Archives: vice president

  If 'Bitch' Is Even A Swear (Which It Isn't)

Old Handsome Joe Biden Said Another Swear!

When caffeine gets drowsy, it takes a little Joe Biden
Prepare for some pissing and moaning, probably, over Old Handsome Joe Biden just being Old Handsome Joe Biden again: Thursday, at a Harvard event, His Handsomeness said a swear, kinda-sorta: “Isn’t it a bitch, I mean … that vice president thing?” Biden joked, as the audience reportedly erupted with laughter. ”I’m joking. I’m joking. I’m joking. The best decision I ever made.” All of which leads one to wonder, once more, what Old Handsome Joe Biden has against dogs, like that time he just cold killed one. (OK, his motorcade did. Still, he’s a monster.) Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Said Another Swear!…
  save me pwease

Michael Gerson: Mitt Romney Must Let Chris Christie Emasculate Him

All of these conservative dingdongs out there arguing for THE BOLD VICE PRESIDENT OPTION OF DEATH don’t seem to acknowledge that they’re forcing their presidential candidate to essentially humiliate himself and run a bottom-heavy ticket, as if that’s a sign of campaign wellness or augurs an effective administration. They want either Paul Ryan or Chris Christie because they consider Mitt Romney a weak, pathetic creature, and so in choosing either of them, Romney would be acceding as much. (And of course he is, but if he wants to win the election, moving further in that direction probably isn’t the way.) Read more on Michael Gerson: Mitt Romney Must Let Chris Christie Emasculate Him…
  funny vp watch

Conservatives And Liberals Unite To Get Paul Ryan on Presidential Ticket

The Weekly Standard, the Wall Street Journal editorial page, and even ol’ Starburst are all engaged in furious last-minute lobbying to persuade Mitt Romney to select that nice young Boy Scout down the street who’s offered to fix our finances, Paul Ryan, as Vice President. The problem with such a selection is obvious: Romney would be picking someone recommended by the Weekly Standard, the Wall Street Journal editorial page, and even ol’ Starburst, instantly guaranteeing that it would be a colossal failure. Other problems: Paul Ryan wants to destroy all of the most popular government programs and is famous for wanting to do that? No matter, the conservatives say — it would be a serious campaign of Issues! The ‘merkin people will respect an “honest” view of the future! Again, these are all conservative arguments in favor of picking Paul Ryan. Read more on Conservatives And Liberals Unite To Get Paul Ryan on Presidential Ticket…
  the bright shiny object is shiny

Romney Campaign Responds To Bain Controv– OH MY GOD LOOK OVER THERE IT’S CONDI RICE!

So here we were, the Great Big American Family, watching the Obama campaign just beating the dickens out of a cornered Mitt Romney and all of his secret Bain Capital overlord-for-life titles. Didn’t it seem pretty bad, relative to these other stupid nonsense gaffe days? Just look at Stephanie Cutter! Stephanie Cutter, the Obama spokesperson, calling Romney a possible felon yesterday afternoon was the most baller campaign move we’ve seen in some time from this pathetic limping death hole of an ostensibly left-of-center political party. But maybe the attacks weren’t really all that damaging — one of those “secret internal polls say opposite of all public polls” type deals. Hmm, we’ll see. BUT THEN, LAST NIGHT: a sudden blast of 900 billion emails from Mitt Romney’s campaign about his VP selection process, along with a fat “CONDI FOR VEEEPEPEPEPEP??” leak to Drudge? Why, this attempted topic switch had all the trappings of a diversion! Diversion us away, sweet Romney flacks, wherever you’ll have us. Read more on Romney Campaign Responds To Bain Controv– OH MY GOD LOOK OVER THERE IT’S CONDI RICE!…
  rumors on the internets

Insert Watergate Headline Here

Good Monday! In the news today, Republican battles to not be involved in Mitt Romney’s campaign at all intensify, “Tricky Dick” had a mortifying nickname for a reason, and the Supreme Court wants you to stop telling them how fat they look in their robes. Read more on Insert Watergate Headline Here…
  stop the chickens

Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?

Holy beans, Rob Portman is a chicken! Someone just got a lot more qualified for the vice presidency. WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW and then ask yourselves, hmm, what should Joe Biden counter with in their debate? He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit, we hear. Read more on Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?…
  game staythesamer

Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate

Are you sad because the exciting contest over which angry white fellow would take on Barack Obama in November is now over, and extra sad because the winner was the dude who was super awkward and boring, and not even super awkward and boring in kind of a fun way? Do you hold out high hopes that at least we’ll have some amusing drama when Romney has to make a “daring” VP pick who will connect with real Americans and also be a hateful moron? WELL YOU ARE WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA. You probably enjoy guffawing and masturbating while watching those shows about the all the Kardashian ladies; meanwhile, the old people who run the Republican Party spend their time sipping red wine and watching communist PBS and plotting how to foist boring loser Rob Portman onto the 2012 ticket. Read more on Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate… Read more on Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate…
  Bush's Balls

Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Gladdens Democrat Hearts With Vague ‘Maybe’ To Veep Question

West Palm Beach, Fla – Y’all ready to see if George H.W. Bush’s testes can ruin the world (again)? Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he might prove it by considering a shot at the veep spot, if asked nicely by Willard. But he doesn’t think Willard likes him that way. That’s ok, because even though Jeb would consider it, he doesn’t know if it would be the right thing. That’s how them Bushies think. Jeb’s mental prowess has allowed him to answer the difficult questions only a potential commander-in-chief can fulfill. At almost light speed and spot-on precision, he told America, “I would consider it” then, shortly after, “I am not going to be the veep nominee. Lay that to rest.” Then, he laid it all out for America when he ended the day with, “I guess I wasn’t clear enough.” Read more on Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Gladdens Democrat Hearts With Vague ‘Maybe’ To Veep Question…
  fancy mexicans

Marco Rubio Says He’d Reject VP Offer But Is Maybe Lying?

Marco Rubio, who insists repeatedly that he has little interest in the vice presidency, continues to accept every fluffy interview that offers him a platform to talk about the vice presidency. Check out this most recent, sorta definitive one with Major Garrett, who asked him, “So, if Mitt Romney asks, you will you say no?” and got the reply “Yes. But you know he’s not going to ask. That doesn’t work. He’s watching this interview right now.” So there it is: Marco Rubio has confirmed that he will say “no” when Mitt asks him to be his first. But what about when Mitt asks him to be Vice President? See, there’s plenty of wiggle room here. Read more on Marco Rubio Says He’d Reject VP Offer But Is Maybe Lying?…
  funny vp watch

Rick Santelli Must Be Declared Vice President Right Now

We have been suggesting it for years: Palin/Santelli ’12. Santelli/Shimkus ’12. Becton/Santelli ’12. Newt/Santelli ’12. Sanford/Santelli ’12. Cornyn/Santelli ’12. “Jessie”/Santelli ’36. Mitterand/Santelli ’12. Eastman/Santelli ’12. Cheney/Santelli ’12. MAIL MAN/Santelli ’12. Jim Ready/Sanelli ’12. This is just a small sample of our recommendations. But now it is time to act. CNBC ranter jackass Rick Santelli, the man who launched the Tea Party by complaining about a modest mortgage modification plan for “losers” that the Obama administration was starting (and never really did much with), must become Mitt Romney’s Vice President for eternity. Read more on Rick Santelli Must Be Declared Vice President Right Now…
  hilarious ideas

John McCain: How Funny It Would Be If Someone Picked Sarah Palin For Vice President?

Ol’ Walnuts was on television again this morning, just sort of fucking around with Charlie Rose et al., cracking jokes, you know how it is with these people. Hey, Johnny Baby, who d’you think should get that VP slot, eh? Give us a name, Mac. Just some banter, you know, McCain likes that. Banter. How about Sarah Palin, he bantered back, while cracking up. Right? Because how funny would it be if someone picked Sarah Palin to be on a presidential ticket? Ace punch line, J-Mac. Read more on John McCain: How Funny It Would Be If Someone Picked Sarah Palin For Vice President?…
  debate prep

Not All McCain Staffers Are Godless Heathens

At this point everybody knows about how Sarah Palin griped at some GOP dinner last week about how there was nobody to pray with before the vice presidential debate besides her speech coach/daughter, Piper. And Jesus. Naturally, McCain aides who suffered by her side for months, TWO WHOLE MONTHS, are furious at the suggestion that they weren’t into all that religious bullshit. Read more on Not All McCain Staffers Are Godless Heathens…
  state secrets

Jill Biden Blabs To Oprah About How Joe Could Have Been Secretary Of State

Jill Biden, huzzah! She should own sixteen Nobel Prizes already, for staying married to the blabbermouth Joe Biden and for sending out a fundraising appeal on behalf of the pants monster Hillary Clinton. Now she deserves another prize, for Truth, because of what she told Oprah yesterday. Read more on Jill Biden Blabs To Oprah About How Joe Could Have Been Secretary Of State…
  wah wah wah

Sarah Palin Still Blaming Campaign Loss On Her Lack Of Interviews

Human dumpster Sarah Palin hasn’t held many unnecessary interviews in the last few weeks, what the hell is wrong with her? Does she want this thing in 2012 or not?? Her lazy ass needs to be in cold motherfuckin’ IOWA right now and every week for the next few years, going to fried steak dinners with the Des Moines Register people and what not. This is what one must do. John Edwards put four goddamn years into that state and look what happened, OH RIGHT, he’s President. Well, Sarah Palin may not have the “grit” of John Edwards, but she’s at least creeping her way back onto the interview circuit. The safe outlets only, of course. Now let’s see what she told the wingnuts at Human Events about her experience on the McCain campaign… ah, she did nothing wrong and wasn’t allowed to do enough right. Read more on Sarah Palin Still Blaming Campaign Loss On Her Lack Of Interviews…
  maxin' and relaxin'

Joe Biden To Sit On Thumbs For Next Four Years

Our Vice President-elect spent a recent evening stuffing Christmas stockings for a charity, with his wife, because why not? It’s not like he has anything better to do! He looks forward to a wonderful first term playing Wii in the Cheney Dungeon and cutting ribbons at state fairs. In having no defined “portfolio” of busywork to attend to, Biden differs from other recent vice presidents. Dick Cheney’s portfolio, of course, included “Making war with everyone, quietly murdering deer, and colonizing Mars” whereas Al Gore had to streamline the government and Dan Quayle had to misspell common vegetables. Read more on Joe Biden To Sit On Thumbs For Next Four Years…
  sacrifice

Bidens Will Be Forced To Live In Filthy D.C.

Joe Biden used to have a nice life. He did his work at the Senate, and then he took a relaxing train ride back to his nice house and family in Delaware. Thanks to the sinister schemes of your new president, Barack Obama, the happy times of Joe Biden will all end forever in January, when he will be forced by Secret Service gunpoint to leave his beloved home and take residence in the creepy abandoned lair of Dick Cheney. Read more on Bidens Will Be Forced To Live In Filthy D.C….
  traps

The Last Time You Will Ever See Joe Biden

Even if Joe Biden manages to escape Dick Cheney’s house and walk out that front door again… well, he’ll never be the same. Oh, the horrible things he will see. There’ll be no more jokes from Crazy Joe, we’re afraid. [YouTube] Read more on The Last Time You Will Ever See Joe Biden…
  danger danger

Dick Cheney To Show Joe Biden His Lair Tomorrow

Joe Biden has accepted a rare invitation from America’s most popular politician, Dick Cheney, to tour his off-the-grid slave castle, “One Observatory Circle,” for an “evening sit-down” tomorrow. The tour will kick off with Dick Cheney opening the front door and shooting his successor in the skull, lopping off a chunk of brain. Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware). Then Cheney will tell Joe to go down the stairs to check out the awesome finished basement while he excuses himself for a bathroom break. Joe will descend the staircase and find himself in a Soviet gulag. [NYT/The Caucus] Read more on Dick Cheney To Show Joe Biden His Lair Tomorrow…
  awwwww

Joe Biden Takes A Crack At Explaining To A Child What Vice Presidents Do

Ha ha ha darling cub reporter Damon Weaver is the next Liz Glover! Joe Biden totally treats this wee child like a normal press person — invading his personal space, saying “literally” when he means “figuratively,” and promising that President Barack Obama will start a million foreign wars as soon as he’s in office. The Biden part of the video starts around 3:30 and is just absurdly cute. [YouTube via Prose Before Hos] Read more on Joe Biden Takes A Crack At Explaining To A Child What Vice Presidents Do…
  he is not a numbers guy

Joe Biden Makes A Funny About Jobs

Hurrah, it is a very short YouTube clip! Joe Biden says the middle class’s biggest problem is a three-letter word: jobs, J-O-B-S. Three letters, literally. Literally. [Joe Biden Can’t Count]