Tag Archives: veepstakes

  i can see canada from my front porch

Totally Compassionate Paul Ryan Is Our New Quayle Palin

Paul Ryan, boy genius, is running around the country now desperately trying not to get ripped limb from limb by olds in their Hoverounds. As a part of this bold new “don’t fucking kill me” plan, Ryan is trying to talk to the regular folk using things they really, truly understand: botched Bible quotes (that aren’t actually from the Bible, but probably Confucius, maybe?). On Wednesday, in Ohio, Paul Ryan, the zombie-eyed granny-starver from space, in the middle of a rote answer to a woman who was talking about being on welfare, an answer that was just inches from actually being human, said this: “Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Don’t feed fish.” Many props to Esquire, as always, but the quote is *slightly* inaccurate. It was actually, “Teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a life. Don’t feed fish.” Much better, obvs. WHOSE LIFE CAN HE FEED HIMSELF FOR? Obamacare fishing panels??? Read more on Totally Compassionate Paul Ryan Is Our New Quayle Palin…
  rats and sinking ships and such

Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One

For months, political comedy aficionados everywhere have been demanding a Romney-Christie “Odd Couple” GOP ticket, where Chris Christie would leave his dirty socks all over the floor after a hard day of screaming abuse at schoolteachers, and Mitt Romney would pick them up with tongs while grinning mirthlessly. Sadly, this was not to be, and probably you thought it was because Romney’s people figured out that Christie’s “fugeddaboutit” brand of Garden State rage wouldn’t play well among emotionally healthy people. But now secret inside sources have leaked to the New York Post the REAL reason: Chris Christie would have been legally required to quit as Governor of New Jersey in order to hoover up all that delicious Wall Street cash, and Chris Christie is not about to quit being Governor of New Jersey to be Mitt Romney’s running mate, because Chris Christie is pretty sure that Mitt Romney is going to lose. Read more on Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One…
  not afraid to be servicey

Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It

Congrats, Amercia, Mitt Romney picked a VP, and it is Paul Ryan. Of course, dear reader, you are probably already aware of the fact that you loathe Paul Ryan but are unsure about why, exactly. This might leave you confused, and possibly angry. Do you hate him because of his smug countenance,  you wonder? Or perhaps the prep-school pretty-boy yearbook-picture good looks? But, no, it has nothing to do with either of those things, and is instead probably because of the Ryan Plan, although you’re fuzzy on the details. It will destroy America, you know, but HOW exactly? Privatization something something big government and liberty and blah blah blah, of course, but this is the GOP answer to everything, so what makes this plan SPECIAL? Luckily, your Wonkette is here to tell you about the Ryan Plan, what’s Special about it, and why you hate it. Read more on Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It…
  hey pawlenty better luck next veepstakes

Romney Taps Ryan For VP: Our Tape-Delayed Liveblog To Honor America’s Olympians

In case you missed it, Mitt Romney picked Rep. Paul Ryan (WI) as his running mate. Here is how they did it: First, they notified Twitter. (Darrell Issa is convening a panel to investigate the national security leaks coming out of the Romney campaign.) Then they notified Paul Ryan maybe. This morning, Romney announced the pick officially through his smartphone app, which, if you downloaded, congratulations, because the Romney campaign now has your contact information for sexy Paul Ryan chats. At 9 AM, which is 6 AM Pacific time, which is a really, really smart and excellent time to have a big announcement on a Saturday morning, and which unfortunately precluded us from actually live-blogging this bullshit as was originally the plan because someone forgot to wake up and now all of a sudden I’m doing it, Romney and Ryan set foot on the U.S.S. Wisconsin, a former Naval battleship and government-run museum, to point out that the government has done nothing useful and should be destroyed. Read more on Romney Taps Ryan For VP: Our Tape-Delayed Liveblog To Honor America’s Olympians…
  also not jesus

Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe

Mitt Romney is rumored to be close to selecting a running mate, and there’s a testosterone-laden badass on the short hairs list. Ohio Senator Rob Portman told the Associated Press that after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year he went adrenalin-mad like Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon 2” and popped his dislocated shoulder back into place by smashing it against a rock. Portman has the balls of a lion! Read more on Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe…
  get thee behind him lucifer

The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant

Behold this dramatization of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s account of the exorcism of a friend that he performed in college. This is just an excellent film, detailed and insightful about the spiritual warfare that aims to drive Lucifer from the bodies of our fellow humans. Read more on The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant…
  she can see the soviet union from 2012

Condoleezza Rice Changes Mind, Would Like To Be Vice President Now

Haha, hey, remember this? It was the day after the 2008 election, and Condoleezza Rice was crying and smiling at the same time, like a crazy person, about the wondrous miracle that had occurred with Barack Hussein Obama being elected president of these United States. Now? Dr. Rice, it would seem, has had herself a little change of heart. Who understands America’s place in this world, Condi? Is it Nobama? No. It is not Nobama, because he is a lamer who apologizes for Amercia. Read more on Condoleezza Rice Changes Mind, Would Like To Be Vice President Now…
  off-label uses

Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!

What is our beloved most recent former GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin doing to claim a paycheck these days? The grifter quitter queen is executing nasal drone strikes on Kansas voters with delusional voice messages informing them that despite the best available geographic information to the contrary, they are all secretly living in Texas, unbeknownst to themselves. “Hello, Texas. I’m Sarah Palin,” is the actual most chilling ear spam anyone who believed him or herself to be outside Texas borders could hear upon picking up the phone. The nation as a result has collectively decided that it needs a powerful sedative, the only possible explanation for InTrade’s current top five most bankable picks for this year’s vice-presidential running mate. Who are they? Everyone tucked in and ready for their comas? Read more on Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!…
  game staythesamer

Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate

Are you sad because the exciting contest over which angry white fellow would take on Barack Obama in November is now over, and extra sad because the winner was the dude who was super awkward and boring, and not even super awkward and boring in kind of a fun way? Do you hold out high hopes that at least we’ll have some amusing drama when Romney has to make a “daring” VP pick who will connect with real Americans and also be a hateful moron? WELL YOU ARE WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA. You probably enjoy guffawing and masturbating while watching those shows about the all the Kardashian ladies; meanwhile, the old people who run the Republican Party spend their time sipping red wine and watching communist PBS and plotting how to foist boring loser Rob Portman onto the 2012 ticket. Read more on Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate… Read more on Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate…
  pitbulls are delicious

Sarah Palin Was Not A Terrible Horrible No-Good Veep Pick, Says Noted Pundit Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin’s blog ghostwriter has some important thoughts she would like to share, regarding whether Sarah Palin was a terrible horrible no-good very-bad choice for vice president and whether Mitt Romney should be as stupid as John McCain was. (No. Yes.) First, she totally links to TalkingPointsMemo, because that is a thing among all of them that Bristol Palin reads. Then Bristol Palin blows your mindby unaccountably claiming that Barack Obama did not invent the Recession even though he was president from 2000 to 2008. WHAT? Read it and weep, bitchez. Then the economy melted down. You could feel people’s fear. You could see it in their eyes on the trail. McCain suspended his campaign to rush back to Washington to deal with the crisis. A lot of people criticized him, but he did what he thought was right. And guess what, the economy was melting down while Republicans were in charge. Read more on Sarah Palin Was Not A Terrible Horrible No-Good Veep Pick, Says Noted Pundit Bristol Palin…
  Bush's Balls

Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Gladdens Democrat Hearts With Vague ‘Maybe’ To Veep Question

West Palm Beach, Fla – Y’all ready to see if George H.W. Bush’s testes can ruin the world (again)? Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he might prove it by considering a shot at the veep spot, if asked nicely by Willard. But he doesn’t think Willard likes him that way. That’s ok, because even though Jeb would consider it, he doesn’t know if it would be the right thing. That’s how them Bushies think. Jeb’s mental prowess has allowed him to answer the difficult questions only a potential commander-in-chief can fulfill. At almost light speed and spot-on precision, he told America, “I would consider it” then, shortly after, “I am not going to be the veep nominee. Lay that to rest.” Then, he laid it all out for America when he ended the day with, “I guess I wasn’t clear enough.” Read more on Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Gladdens Democrat Hearts With Vague ‘Maybe’ To Veep Question…
  bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb iran

Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)

Well looks like someone has decided not to fight Marco Rubio to the death for the chance to be the losing vice presidential nominee of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Rand Paul ibn Ron has now totally taken everyone’s war ball and gone home. Rand Paul is not going to let you just unanimously consent to “sanctions” against the Ayatollah (is he still there? It is still 1979, right?) should he or they or whomever is now in charge decide to get them a nookular bomb and rain hellfire from the skies, as is their right as a sovereign nation. But why won’t Rand Paul consent to “sanctions”? Because sanctions are war. So now Rand Paul is the most powerful Chomskyite on the planet. Read more on Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)…
  bucket of warm piss

Ohio Governor to Ohio: ‘See You Suckers!’

It’s not everyday a governor gets the great good fortune to prove his vice-presidential bona fides while also totally boning the citizens of his state, but lucky Ohio Governor John Kasich found just such a marvelous opportunity after five tornadoes ripped through the Rust Belt, leaving three Ohioans dead (out of the region’s 39, so far) and untold billions in property damage. While the Communists of Kentucky and Indiana were only too happy to go groveling to President Food Stamps for their Dependency Hand-Outs (Ameros), Kasich knows a fucking valuable thing when he sees it, and in this case that fucking valuable thing is putting Ohio’s future where his veep ambitions are and turning down any federal aid for his ravaged state because earmarks? Read more on Ohio Governor to Ohio: ‘See You Suckers!’…
  repeal every law

Virginians Now Somehow Able To Buy More Guns

Who knew there was still a law pertaining to gun purchases left on the books in Virginia? This is the state where everyone gathers around open car trunks to buy assault weapons by the wheelbarrowload in plain daylight, after all. And yet this law, a one-handgun-per-month purchasing restriction, has remained on the books for 19 years, perhaps due to clerical oversight. But now the ladies’ man of a governor down there, Bob McDonnell, has signed a repeal of this law in his latest, most patriotic volley in the “Mitt Romney Veepstakes.” Read more on Virginians Now Somehow Able To Buy More Guns…
  going out in style

THEY ACTUALLY DID IT: *clap* *clap* to the Stay Red Kansas blog. Since it seems certain that Evan Bayh won’t get the nod, although who ever knows anything, they actually have made good on their pledge to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. That’s just too awesome for words. What a freaking day. The Obama campaign has produced a devastating and total mockery of the entire political media apparatus on this historic Friday. Hot damn, did the Internet wake up with its A-game or what? If it got any funnier we’d just have to bomb it. We’re going to have to bomb it, man. Gotta do it in right now. And in a few years this will be one of those Internet days we remember and just laugh. Read more on …
  now we're getting serious

Conservative Blog Puts It All On The Line, And We Will HOLD THEM TO IT

Oh man, thank you so much Wonkette operative “Dennis” for taking this screen shot of some blog called “Stay Red Kansas” that said it would SHUT THE MOTHERFUCKER DOWN if they were wrong about Evan Bayh being Obama’s choice. Ballsy! But if you go to this blog now, you’ll find that clause of confidence mysteriously removed! Uh oh, did… did it turn out you had an untrustworthy source or two? Well tough luck, Stay Red Kansas, it is too late — you will PUT THAT SHIT DOWN if Evan Bayh is not VP. We are watching. [Stay Red Kansas] Read more on Conservative Blog Puts It All On The Line, And We Will HOLD THEM TO IT…