veepstakes
Totally Compassionate Paul Ryan Is Our New Quayle Palin
Paul Ryan, boy genius, is running around the country now desperately trying not to get ripped limb from limb by olds in their Hoverounds. As a part of this bold new “don’t fucking kill me” plan, Ryan is trying to talk to the regular folk using things they really, truly understand: botched Bible quotes (that [...]
Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One
For months, political comedy aficionados everywhere have been demanding a Romney-Christie “Odd Couple” GOP ticket, where Chris Christie would leave his dirty socks all over the floor after a hard day of screaming abuse at schoolteachers, and Mitt Romney would pick them up with tongs while grinning mirthlessly. Sadly, this was not to be, and [...]
Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It
Congrats, Amercia, Mitt Romney picked a VP, and it is Paul Ryan. Of course, dear reader, you are probably already aware of the fact that you loathe Paul Ryan but are unsure about why, exactly. This might leave you confused, and possibly angry. Do you hate him because of his smug countenance, you wonder? Or [...]
Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe
Mitt Romney is rumored to be close to selecting a running mate, and there’s a testosterone-laden badass on the short hairs list. Ohio Senator Rob Portman told the Associated Press that after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year he went adrenalin-mad like Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon 2″ and popped his dislocated shoulder [...]
The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant
Behold this dramatization of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s account of the exorcism of a friend that he performed in college. This is just an excellent film, detailed and insightful about the spiritual warfare that aims to drive Lucifer from the bodies of our fellow humans.
Condoleezza Rice Changes Mind, Would Like To Be Vice President Now
Haha, hey, remember this? It was the day after the 2008 election, and Condoleezza Rice was crying and smiling at the same time, like a crazy person, about the wondrous miracle that had occurred with Barack Hussein Obama being elected president of these United States. Now? Dr. Rice, it would seem, has had herself a [...]
Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate
Are you sad because the exciting contest over which angry white fellow would take on Barack Obama in November is now over, and extra sad because the winner was the dude who was super awkward and boring, and not even super awkward and boring in kind of a fun way? Do you hold out high [...]
Sarah Palin Was Not A Terrible Horrible No-Good Veep Pick, Says Noted Pundit Bristol Palin
Bristol Palin’s blog ghostwriter has some important thoughts she would like to share, regarding whether Sarah Palin was a terrible horrible no-good very-bad choice for vice president and whether Mitt Romney should be as stupid as John McCain was. (No. Yes.) First, she totally links to TalkingPointsMemo, because that is a thing among all of [...]
Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Gladdens Democrat Hearts With Vague ‘Maybe’ To Veep Question
West Palm Beach, Fla – Y’all ready to see if George H.W. Bush’s testes can ruin the world (again)? Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he might prove it by considering a shot at the veep spot, if asked nicely by Willard. But he doesn’t think Willard likes him that way. That’s ok, because even [...]
Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)
Well looks like someone has decided not to fight Marco Rubio to the death for the chance to be the losing vice presidential nominee of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Rand Paul ibn Ron has now totally taken everyone’s war ball and gone home. Rand Paul is not going to let you just unanimously consent [...]
Ohio Governor to Ohio: ‘See You Suckers!’
It’s not everyday a governor gets the great good fortune to prove his vice-presidential bona fides while also totally boning the citizens of his state, but lucky Ohio Governor John Kasich found just such a marvelous opportunity after five tornadoes ripped through the Rust Belt, leaving three Ohioans dead (out of the region’s 39, so [...]
Virginians Now Somehow Able To Buy More Guns
Who knew there was still a law pertaining to gun purchases left on the books in Virginia? This is the state where everyone gathers around open car trunks to buy assault weapons by the wheelbarrowload in plain daylight, after all. And yet this law, a one-handgun-per-month purchasing restriction, has remained on the books for 19 [...]
THEY ACTUALLY DID IT: *clap* *clap* to the Stay Red Kansas blog. Since it seems certain that Evan Bayh won’t get the nod, although who ever knows anything, they actually have made good on their pledge to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. That’s just too awesome for words. What a freaking day. The Obama campaign has [...]
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