Tag Archives: vatican

  No need to hurry

Vatican To Flog Bishops For Protecting Pedophiles … Eventually

They had a meeting and everything!
Sure, maybe the Catholic Church used to have a teeny tiny little problem — that covered the globe and cost a few billion dollars — of covering up the epidemic of clergy raping kids all the time. But that’s all behind us now. The church is officially against that; it has made statements and printed “Don’t Rape Kids, M’kay?” pamphlets and everything. Read more on Vatican To Flog Bishops For Protecting Pedophiles … Eventually…
  Not The Moral Equivalent Of The Founding Fathers But No Slouch

Vatican Decides El Salvador’s Archbishop Romero Died For Jesus, Not Marx

We *think* this is a tribute...
Big Catholic news: Archbishop Oscar Romero just might be a saint, even if he was a liberal. A panel of theologians that considers cases for sainthood has determined that when Romero was murdered by a rightwing death squad in 1980, he was not just the victim of a political assassination, but also a martyr to the cause of Jesus and the faith. We guess the Vatican is no longer officially the same place where John Paul II warned against the threat of “liberation theology!” This bit of wrangling angels into an acceptable position on the head of a pin is a significant step toward Romero’s possible canonization as a saint, which is a seriously weird process of theological bureaucracy. Read more on Vatican Decides El Salvador’s Archbishop Romero Died For Jesus, Not Marx…
  We Completely Left Out Odin Again

2014: The Year In God-Bothering

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
God had another big year in 2014, especially right near the end, when His Servant on Earth, Bill O’Reilly, finally declared victory in the War on Christmas. So we can look forward to a 2015 that’s free of that particular topic, we bet. Even so, it would appear that there are still a few areas of American life where religion has caused a wee bit of a ruckus. Like, let’s say, the courts, where the Supremes declared that the Hobby Lobby corporation’s sincerely held religious beliefs can exempt them from following laws they don’t like. Not that there’s going to be any weird fallout from that decision, like people suing for the right to ignore child labor laws because God says it’s OK. Read more on 2014: The Year In God-Bothering…
  Has this guy even read the Bible?

New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
Is there no limit to the new pope’s willingness to reject right-wing ideology because it’s, you know, stupid? In addition to getting his hands dirty with poor people and telling American bishops to chill the eff out on all of their “social issues,” Pope Francis is also a tree-hugging envirofascist who has swallowed the vegan Kool-Aid and believes climate change is A Real Thing. And not just A Real Thing, but A Real Thing that we mere mortals should address instead of just hoping God sorts it out for us. Read more on New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing…
  Away in a Vatican jail

Topless Lady Steals Jesus, For God

Strip search not needed
via FEMEN So this happened. On Christmas Day, after Pope Francis sang a rousing round of “Happy Birthday, Jesus” from his special balcony on St. Peter’s Basilica, a lady who’d forgotten to put on a shirt that day bum-rushed the crowd of people who’d gathered for the party to steal the little plastic Jesus from the nativity scene, with the words “God is woman” inked on her chest. The woman is a member of FEMEN, a super-radical-even-for-us-radical-feminists feminist group who, as far as we can tell, is taking down the patriarchy by being topless in public. We’re not sure how that works exactly, but the woman who stole baby Jesus was apparently carrying out the group’s “Massacre of the Innocents” campaign: Read more on Topless Lady Steals Jesus, For God…
  Look Who's On The Vatican Rag

Pope Celebrates Festivus, Has A Lot Of Problems With You Vatican People

Pope Francis I took the opportunity of his annual Christmas Message to do a little Airing Of Grievances toward the cardinals, bishops and priests of the Vatican’s bureaucracy, aka the Curia. Guess they aren’t “Just Like Heaven” after all! [Update: We are advised that the Curia is different from The Cure. Wonkette regrets the error.] It was pretty biting stuff, as Papal speeches to the Curia go, listing some 15 “ailments” plaguing the Vatican, including problems such as gossiping, sucking up to one’s superiors, being too materialistic, and lacking compassion and empathy. A few of the other “illnesses,” along with elaboration, as provided by the Vatican Information Service: Read more on Pope Celebrates Festivus, Has A Lot Of Problems With You Vatican People…
  Obama Seeks Kennedyesque Image; Will Call It 'Cuber'

Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
The Obama administration announced today what it calls the most significant changes in 50 years to American policy toward Cuba, including the normalization of diplomatic relations, increased trade and easier travel, and a review of Cuba’s listing as a state sponsor of terrorism. But no, you aren’t going to be buying Cohibas at your neighborhood Walgreens anytime soon. It’s always about cigars with you people, jesus. Read more on Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!…
  Pontiff And Commander

New Pope Firing All The Right People

What really went down
From the Vatican, more news of Pope Francis I The Awesome: New Pope has gone and fired the head of the Swiss Guard, reportedly because he “found the commander’s manner overly strict and Teutonic.'” So we’ve gone from having a pope who was an actual Hitlerjugend to a pope who doesn’t want any Grand Teutons in his Vatican. And what, according to Vatican scuttlebutt, precipitated the dismissal of Col. Daniel Anrig? Read more on New Pope Firing All The Right People…
  Here have some news n stuff

St. Louis County PD: Sorry For Joking About How To Keep Us From Killing Your Kids

Just the black ones, though. And the black adults. But not in a racist way.
On Thursday, the St. Louis County Police Department offered this super helpful advice to parents who might want to know how they can protect their kids from the St. Louis County Police Department:Hardy har had! Kids will be kids, right? Playing with their toy guns, scaring cops who believe they have no choice but to shoot first and claim self-defense later. Kids! If only parents did a better job of understanding that toy guns look like real guns, and cops who have no business being cops in the first place are of course going to shoot ’em dead when they feel threatened, well, those parents could really help the police out so they wouldn’t have to be killing those darned kids all the time. The tweet has since been deleted. Too bad screenshots are forever! The Facebook post has also since been deleted, but really — no, really — it was intended as a community service that just didn’t go as planned.OK, we get the point that toy guns look like real guns, and it’s hard for cops to know the difference. But using the example of Tamir Rice, with a little cop “humor,” is maybe definitely not the right way to make that point. Not that it matters when there’s video, but by now, we’ve all seen the video of the cops pulling up to the park where Rice was playing with his toy gun and shooting him dead two seconds later. Would Tamir Rice still be alive if his parents hadn’t let him play with a toy gun? Maybe. Just like Michael Brown would still be alive if his parents hadn’t — oh, fuck it. You get the point. [Note: This post has been updated to indicate it was the St. Louis County Police Department that posted and deleted the kids-will-be-kids tips, not the city’s police department.] Read more on St. Louis County PD: Sorry For Joking About How To Keep Us From Killing Your Kids…
  humanum

Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia

  What you see above is not, despite all appearances, your freshman roomie’s botched and infected yin-yang tattoo, but a symbol of unity and celebration! It celebrates the matched sets of opposite-sexers who keep our planet from flying apart, according to the organizers of “Humanum: An International Interreligious Colloquium on the Complementarity of Man and Woman,” held this week at the Vatican. Read more on Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia…
  go to hell

Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always

Nope
Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church’s praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about maybe talking about being nicer to The Gay, because maybe they are also people too. A document leaked from their Synod Sleepaway Camp, in which they wrote — shudder! gasp! — that “homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community.” And we said, “Good job, Catholic Church, that’s a nice step forward.” Read more on Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always…
  Loving thy neighbor even if thy neighbor is The Gay

Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell

WWJD? This probably
Some very strange things are happening at this year’s Vatican Sleepaway Synod — the annual gathering of the Catholic Church’s bishops to decide who’s in and who’s out, and should the gay panic be raised to 11 or 11.7 this year? First, New Pope makes the bishops take sex ed, and now there’s a rumor that maybe, just maybe, the Vatican might be willing to consider discussing the possibility of slightly altering its position on currently hell-destined gay homosexuals. Read more on Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell…
  Double Secret Sinning

Dear New Pope And/Or Penthouse Forum, I Never Thought Boning A Priest Would Happen To Me

Times are hard — rock hard, if you know what we mean — for the few remaining adherents of Holy Mother Church. And now, the institution that continues to employ pedophile protector Bernard Cardinal Law finds itself with yet another sexxxytimes conundrum. To wit: Is that an aspergillum under your cassock, Father, or are you just happy to see us? Turns out that for two dozen women, the priest is indeed happy to see them! Twenty-six women have written a letter to Cool New Pope asking him if he could just be cool about this whole no-sex-for-priests thing for a little while. Read more on Dear New Pope And/Or Penthouse Forum, I Never Thought Boning A Priest Would Happen To Me…
  the gospel from outer space

Pope Francis: Sure, We’ll Baptize E.T.

Pope Francis joked — or so they want us to believe — that he would happily welcome extraterrestrials into the Catholic Church. “If tomorrow, for example, an expedition of Martians arrives and some of them come to us … and if one of them says: ‘Me, I want to be baptized!’ what would happen?” We love New Pope as much as ever, but we aren’t entirely sure he’s thought this through. Like, what if they aren’t friendly Little Greys and are instead some nasty H.R. Giger Xenomorphs who are far more interested in a more literal version of sharing our body and blood? Read more on Pope Francis: Sure, We’ll Baptize E.T….
  canon fodder

No One Is Sure What Happened When New Pope Called This Divorced Lady

Reports are sketchy and confused, but either New Pope just tossed out centuries of dogma and tradition on divorce, or somewhere in between Argentina, Italy, England and several different publications in at least three languages, somebody or several somebodies really got some details wrong. It’s kind of fun, at least, that with this Pope, nobody’s quite sure. (Our money is on “confusion.” The smart money is always on confusion.) Read more on No One Is Sure What Happened When New Pope Called This Divorced Lady…
  barry and frankie were lovers

Barack Obama Meets New Pope, Converts Him To Islam

Did you all know Barack Obama is gallivanting around the world, telling the Hague he is going to blow up Manhattan we think (?) and then jetting off to see his fellow communist, New Pope, Francis I? Who does he think he is? Russell Crowe? We did not even know our Barry was gone, since all the news has been on Michelle Obama’s jaunts to Communist China, where she is probably executing pro-democracy forces for sport, with tigers maybe. Which brings us to the important question: Are Barack Obama and Michelle Obama even allowed to be out of the country at the same time? What about the succession? WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE? (It is Al Haig.) Read more on Barack Obama Meets New Pope, Converts Him To Islam…
  pope and change

Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists

Rejoice, Comrades! Commissar of State John Kerry said today that Comrade Obama and Comrade New Pope will meet “at some point in the near future.” The glorious coming together of the God King of Islamic Marxism and the Papist Enemy of the Free Market is expected to mark the start of a worldwide People’s Revolution, or at least to result in a veritable frothgasm of rightwing butthurt. Read more on Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists…
  Murdering Capitalism Instead Of The Poors

2013: The Year Of Falling Head Over Heels For The Socialist Commie New Pope

2013 did not start out auspiciously, pope-wise. Remember? We were saddled with the doctrinaire and creepily Star Wars Emperor-looking Benedict, and we thought the sun would never shine again in Popeville. But then, like a miracle from the heavens above, Benedict did a mic drop and peaced out in March. Then we all sat by the phone waiting to see if anyone would ring us up and see if we wanted the gig, but that never happened. Then we learned that New Pope was a Jesuit and maybe even sort of loved the poors and we reserved judgment UNLIKE YOU PEOPLE and decided we would wait and see if we liked him. (Also, Editrix insists we point out ONCE AGAIN that she was basically the first person to be like NEW JOHN XXIII YO, because it is pretty much the only time she has ever been right.) Now we are in love with New Pope and you will just have to fucking DEAL, people. Yes yes yes still bad on gays and abortion please leave us one million comments and links to this effect, kthx, even though we already yelled at you about this. We are standing by our March 2013 prediction: dude is going to give us Vatican III. Just watch. Read more on 2013: The Year Of Falling Head Over Heels For The Socialist Commie New Pope…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  you'd think that people would've had enough of silly heroin songs

Vatican Culture Minister Tweets Lou Reed Tribute, Downplays The Whole Heroin Thing

This tribute to Lou Reed is several kinds of sweet: Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, the Vatican’s 71-year-old culture minister, paid his own tribute on Monday to the late rocker Lou Reed, tweeting one of his best-known songs before clarifying he was not condoning any reference to drugs some have seen in the song. Read more on Vatican Culture Minister Tweets Lou Reed Tribute, Downplays The Whole Heroin Thing…
  born to pope

Pope Francis Says Rigid Christian Ideology Is An ‘Illness,’ Presumably Still Believes In Invisible, Omnipotent Sky-Man

However you feel about Pope Francis, your newish President of Christmas Classic, it’s hard to argue that he isn’t a vast improvement over the last guy. For example, we liked when Newish Pope washed Muslim girl feet, something we couldn’t picture Benny Sixteen doing unless money was furtively exchanged, along with the understanding that nobody must ever know of it. We also liked when Francis told everyone not to be dicks to poor people, and we really liked when he said Catholics should not be “obsessed” with gays, abortions, and slut pills. And now we like this new thing he said, which was: “The faith becomes ideology and ideology frightens, ideology chases away the people, distances, distances the people and distances of the Church of the people,” Francis added. “But it is a serious illness, this of ideological Christians. It is an illness, but it is not new, eh?” Love that “Eh?” because it allows us to picture the scene, his eyes a-twinkle — did he wink? — as he pats our heads, then turns and like, flies in the air or something. Read more on Pope Francis Says Rigid Christian Ideology Is An ‘Illness,’ Presumably Still Believes In Invisible, Omnipotent Sky-Man…
  faith-off

New Pope Insists On Being Nice To Atheists & Driving An Old Renault

Dang it, New Pope, you just keep being awesome, and saying stuff that makes us think you actually understand some of that Jesus stuff. For instance, there’s the letter published in the Italian newspaper La Repubblica yesterday in response to some skeptical questions from its former editor Eugenio Scalfari. What kind of hellfire and damnation is this? Read more on New Pope Insists On Being Nice To Atheists & Driving An Old Renault…