Times are hard — rock hard, if you know what we mean — for the few remaining adherents of Holy Mother Church. And now, the institution that continues to employ pedophile protector Bernard Cardinal Law finds itself with yet another sexxxytimes conundrum. To wit: Is that an aspergillum under your cassock, Father, or are you just happy […]

Pope Francis joked — or so they want us to believe — that he would happily welcome extraterrestrials into the Catholic Church. “If tomorrow, for example, an expedition of Martians arrives and some of them come to us … and if one of them says: ‘Me, I want to be baptized!’ what would happen?” We […]

Reports are sketchy and confused, but either New Pope just tossed out centuries of dogma and tradition on divorce, or somewhere in between Argentina, Italy, England and several different publications in at least three languages, somebody or several somebodies really got some details wrong. It’s kind of fun, at least, that with this Pope, nobody’s […]

Did you all know Barack Obama is gallivanting around the world, telling the Hague he is going to blow up Manhattan we think (?) and then jetting off to see his fellow communist, New Pope, Francis I? Who does he think he is? Russell Crowe? We did not even know our Barry was gone, since […]

Rejoice, Comrades! Commissar of State John Kerry said today that Comrade Obama and Comrade New Pope will meet “at some point in the near future.” The glorious coming together of the God King of Islamic Marxism and the Papist Enemy of the Free Market is expected to mark the start of a worldwide People’s Revolution, […]

2013 did not start out auspiciously, pope-wise. Remember? We were saddled with the doctrinaire and creepily Star Wars Emperor-looking Benedict, and we thought the sun would never shine again in Popeville. But then, like a miracle from the heavens above, Benedict did a mic drop and peaced out in March. Then we all sat by […]

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin […]

This tribute to Lou Reed is several kinds of sweet: Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, the Vatican’s 71-year-old culture minister, paid his own tribute on Monday to the late rocker Lou Reed, tweeting one of his best-known songs before clarifying he was not condoning any reference to drugs some have seen in the song. Ravasi, an Italian […]

However you feel about Pope Francis, your newish President of Christmas Classic, it’s hard to argue that he isn’t a vast improvement over the last guy. For example, we liked when Newish Pope washed Muslim girl feet, something we couldn’t picture Benny Sixteen doing unless money was furtively exchanged, along with the understanding that nobody […]

Dang it, New Pope, you just keep being awesome, and saying stuff that makes us think you actually understand some of that Jesus stuff. For instance, there’s the letter published in the Italian newspaper La Repubblica yesterday in response to some skeptical questions from its former editor Eugenio Scalfari. What kind of hellfire and damnation […]

Oh, man, New Pope is doing that thing again, where he says stuff that makes us like him even if he is that head of a big corrupt institution that does evilnasty things. But we give him credit for trying to turn some of that down, what with the living in a little apartment and […]

We’ve been thinking a lot about how to streamline our workload, synergize our growth goals, lifehack a four-hour work week, and generally figure out ways to be even more lazy. One of the proactive methodologies we’re considering is creating a one-touch macro so we can efficiently deploy a post every time the Catholic Church does […]

Sometimes we think New Pope is just trolling us. Like this weekend, when Pope Frankie folded a blessing of Harley Davidson enthusiasts – it’s the company’s 110th anniversary — into a Vatican mass commemorating the Church’s 1995 “Evangelium Vitae” encyclical that laid out official doctrine on abortion, euthanasia, and end of life decisions. As TalkingPointsMemo […]

After a stressful day of working (or hanging out in a workplace man cave), many Americans unwittingly risk handing their immortal souls over to Beelzebub through smoking weed premarital sex witchcraft yoga.  Satan is apparently incarnated in that cute yoga instructor, tempting you to deny the One True God for that sweet sweet release found […]

Today, we find out how many gay people there are while the Vatican works miracles in book selling (not that book!), and a new sport everyone can do but a new reality show almost no can join. Hmmm…. How many gay people are there, really, in the United States? Luckily, the answer’s actually pretty easy: […]