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Tag: vatican

OK, we like Francis Again

Pope Francis Fixin’ To Quit-Fire Archbishop Who Crammed Kim Davis Down His Throat

It was the best day ever for gay-hatin' Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis. She bedazzled her finest lady jumper and went to Washington, where a super-nice dirty Catholic named Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò had arranged a special private tête-à-tête, as they rarely...

Jeb Bush Tells Mean Pope To Leave His Favorite Teddy Bear Trump Alone

Jeb Bush is not dangling on the edge while fondling his gun that says JEB BUSH on it, contrary to certain vicious internet rumors he started, but he is definitely suffering from Stockholm syndrome. In the epic fight between Donald Trump and...
He Declared Bankruptcy For Your Sins

Donald Trump Fires Pope For Being Bad At Jesus

Holy shots fired! Even New Pope Frank has some unchristian things to say about a certain candidate whose hat he definitely isn't wearing on his blessed head anytime soon: “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not...
The pope's new record, probably.

Pope Francis Drops Dope New Record On Black Friday, Like A Common Adele

Know that thing when you are sporting around in your new Lexus, gettin' in a little "Dad Time" while you take your privileged white children to soccer practice by forcing them to listen to Rush? (The band, not the...
And unto Felicia he said BYE

Pope Francis Declares War On Christmas

Another year, another exhibit of the supposedly (but is he, really?) Catholic Pope Francis forgetting the reason for the season: a plastic Jewish family and snowflakes on your coffee cups. In what has become his annual downer of an...
Vatican expert

Mike Huckabee Furious With Gay Liberals Who Run Roman Catholic Church

Did you know that Pope Francis is secretly a cousin-fucking hillbilly Mike Huckabee/Kim Davis supporter? It's true! (According to Mike Huckabee.) And did you know that the pope is being prevented from telling THE REAL TRUTH about how he...
omg, y'all, I cannot even with this "religious freedom" crap.

Catholic Church Considers Finding Nicer Way To Tell Homos They’re Gonna Burn In Hell

Time for another sexy funtimes sleepover at the pope's house, and all the coolest bishops are invited! Last year, at the Synod, they all had such a good time, making s'mores and friendship bracelets and learning how marrieds sex...
And unto Felicia he said BYE

Pope To Fire Everyone Who Makes Him Think About Gays Or Kim Davis

The Vatican-induced whiplash continues! Pope Nice-Nice is mad-mad and he's not going to take it anymore, we guess, from ANYBODY. Can everybody just please let him do his undercover-poping in peace? In the wake of the pope's little non-meeting...
Wonkette baby reading the print version of Wonkette

How Many Lies Can Liar Carly Fiorina Tell Before Breakfast? Your Weekly Top Ten.

Oh hi, Wonkers! It is time for your late afternoon Weekly Top Ten list! Have you had a nice weekend? We have! It's been almost 100% sleep and Netflix, like Jesus intended. If you'll take a moment to notice the picture...
Hi Kim Davis, bye Kim Davis!

Vatican Issues Clarification: Kim Davis Sucks And We Hate Her

What a whirlwind of emotions we have been feeling over Kim Davis's alleged sexxxytime religious freedom Tinder date with the pope! When the news first came out, we were like "NO WAY, the pope is not that much of...
But I thought I hated fags real good too!

Kim Davis’s Lawyers Say She Had A Secret Stitch ‘N’ Bitch With Pope Francis

OH GODDAMMIT, IF TRUE. Good, decent people in America are trying really hard to think the best of this new commie pope, who seems to be trying to take the focus off hot button wingnut issues to return the...
Not the actual pope.

Does Commie Pope Francis Heart Kim Davis? Bad Commie Pope!

So Pope Francis was flying back to Europe or outer space or wherever he lives, and some reporters decided to ask him about the most important issue facing America, which is Kim Davis, the yokel Kentucky clerk dragging a...

Wingnuts Tell Commie Pope To Get A Brain, Moran

The rightwing freakout over Pope Francis and his betrayal of all good things (unfettered capitalism) continues, and it seems that his address to a joint meeting of Congress doesn't seem to have made them a lot happier, probably because...
If anyone knows Catholicism, it's Mike Huckabee the Baptist preacher

Mike Huckabee Excommunicates Obama For Inviting Sodomites To Meet Pope

Like many rightwingers who have felt the need to turn Pope Francis's U.S. visit to into a campaign talking point, Mike Huckabee is really offended on behalf of Pope Francis, because Barack Obama went and invited some LGBT guests...
Hi Kim Davis, bye Kim Davis!

Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores

Sometimes we like New Pope Frank. Like, when he gets all Truffula tree-huggy and wants to save the Swomee Swans, or whatever, because God said, "Here is a earth-shaped planet, keep it pretty." And those times when New Pope is like,...
You gave him a boo-boo, Iowa, ON HIS FEELINGS.

Donald Trump Warns Pope Francis About ISIS Monsters Under His Bed

Pope Francis is heading to America soon, whereupon he'll do that thing where he kisses the little Catholic babies and says "Death to America," or at least that's how it sounds to Republicans, who don't like how he says...