Tag Archives: vandalism

  go directly to jail

Finally, Someone Is Going To Jail For What The Banks Did!

Yes, you read that right: finally, someone is going to jail for what the banks did! If this seems like it is too good to be true, Wonketeers, your instincts are correct because the person who is FINALLY going to jail is not anyone associated with the banks, but rather, a man who wrote mean words about banks on the sidewalk in San Diego. Did we forget to mention that the mean words were written in water-soluble chalk? Did we also forget to mention that the man’s impending prosecution comes after Bank of America’s Vice President of Global Corporate Security relentlessly pressured the city attorney to charge the man for writing mean words with chalk? Via the San Diego Union-Tribune: Jeff Olson, 40, faces 13 misdemeanor vandalism charges for the way he made his views known. He faces up to 13 years in jail and $13,000 in restitution, although prosecutors say incarceration is rare in vandalism cases. If the city loses the case, it might be chalked up to jurors who question if the city should be spending taxpayer money bringing charges against someone who plied his activism — or vandalism — using something that can be easily washed away with a hose. Read more on Finally, Someone Is Going To Jail For What The Banks Did!…
  crime and politics

Bored Tennessee Lawmaker Vandalizes Her Own Desk

“OMG REP TN 4 LYFE” is what Hooters girl-turned Republican Tennessee Rep. Julia Hurley wanted to carve into her desk in the state House chamber, but she only got to her initials before she saw something shiny and got distracted. And now she has to pay for her vandalism, even though she does not understand what the big deal is, you guys. Read more on Bored Tennessee Lawmaker Vandalizes Her Own Desk…
  where is paul bunyan when you need him

Pawlenty Campaign, Minnesota Going Up In Flames As Shutdown Continues

It is WORLD WAR TEN in Minnesota. Following the government shutdown last Friday, there have been no public workers to protect the state parks from roving Visigoth hordes or whatever Marcus Bachmann keeps talking about, so the barbarian gangs went full ape shit on Minnesota’s natural spaces all weekend long. A “burglary and vandalism spree” spread across the entire state, destroying administrative buildings and public property. Minnesotans turn out to be anarchists? Meanwhile, former governor Tim “Pissy” Pawlenty is mad that everyone is blaming him for this. It’s not like he entered the Minnesota governor’s office with a $4 billion debt and left the state with $5 billion debt or anything.  Read more on Pawlenty Campaign, Minnesota Going Up In Flames As Shutdown Continues…
  our new next president

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Is Your Republican Wisconsin Alvin Greene

Put up a Bible verse and cue space music! Wonkette operative “Gene” writes us from his Congressional e-mail account (HEY THAT IS FOR TAXPAYERS NOT YOUR WONKETTE) that he’s “not quite sure this guy isn’t Eric Wareheim.” Well we aren’t either, and certainly that man’s show and submarine sandwiches seem to be a theme for us today. Also Pagels’ voice is eerily similar to that of the late Richard Dunn. But if you are real, Ernest J. Pagels, GREAT JOB! Read more on Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Is Your Republican Wisconsin Alvin Greene…
  post-racial relations

Sick of Arizona Hatreds? Here’s Some Tennessee Hatreds

Well this is just awful: an African-American couple who were about to close on a vacation home in Lebanon, Tennessee found “a drawing of a man hanging from a noose and a racial epithet sketched on the property’s masonry entrance,” reports The Tennessean. The couple, Kenneth and Deborah Boyd, say they “had to reassure” their teenage daughter “that they would be safe” on the property, after she saw the hate pictures. Lebanon needs moar hopey/changey. Read more on Sick of Arizona Hatreds? Here’s Some Tennessee Hatreds…
  nation of retards

Virginia Teabaggers Still Think Congressman Lives In Brother’s House, Cut Gas Line

Yesterday we learned that the Lynchburg Tea Party of Virginia was trying to harass freshman Democratic Rep. Tom Perriello at his home, but posted the address of Perriello’s brother instead. These teabaggers, led by an infallible Liberty University journalism major, kept insisting that it was Rep. Perriello’s house, however. And now someone has cut a gas line at Rep. Perriello’s brother’s house because all of these people are fucking retarded. Read more on Virginia Teabaggers Still Think Congressman Lives In Brother’s House, Cut Gas Line…
  oh the widdle baby needs a new diaper

Mean Obama Kids Put Stickers On Wyoming GOP Office!

There has been an OUTRAGEOUS CRIME committed against the little GOP office in Cody, Wyoming! Local children are accused of putting some Obama stickers and fliers on the windows of the Republican office! This is exactly the kind of Domestic Terrorism that Sarah Palin is working so hard to fight, you betcha. Read more on Mean Obama Kids Put Stickers On Wyoming GOP Office!…
 

Wikipedia Vandalism Proves Republicans Hate Harry Potter

Above, some rakish Wikipedia vandal erases the entire entry for Harry Potter and replaces it with “Snape is the half-blood prince and kills Dumbledore.” This hilarious prankster’s IP address was logged, as in all Wikipedia edits, and it turns out it came from the Republican Party of Minnesota. This is just one of the many little treats revealed by a new site that lists all edits made by any organization you can think of whose offices have internet access. Wired is tracking the better ones, and here are some of our favorites: Read more on Wikipedia Vandalism Proves Republicans Hate Harry Potter…
 

Mike Gravel Aide in Second Life Vandalism Shocker

“Second Life” is this internet thing that is kind of like The Sims but with more furries and anonymous strangers purchasing huge virtual genitalia with which to virtually penetrate one another. Also it’s a hotbed of modern politics! All sorts of political types have forced interns to make them Second Life headquarters, all of which are monitored by sexy human-animal hybrids and occasionally “vandalized” by nerds. But one candidate is outrageous enough to have his staff do the vandalizing themselves. The only truly outside-the-beltway candidate, a Washington outsider who’s not afraid to go after the entrenched special interests. After the jump, a Very Special Look at Mike Gravel’s Second Life Adventure. Read more on Mike Gravel Aide in Second Life Vandalism Shocker…
 

Nation Stunned by Anti-Polk Vandalism

Columbia, Tennessee was the scene of a shocking, inconceivable attack on the memory of America’s most beloved pre-Civil War mullet-sporting President this week. The home of President James Knox Polk, the man who secured the Oregon Territory, caused and ended the Mexican-American war, and personally found gold in the Yukon or California or something, was vandalized by dangerous criminals. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve targeted Polk. Read more on Nation Stunned by Anti-Polk Vandalism…
 

Edwards HQ Cyber-Vandals: Non-Partisan Pranksters

Despite the tragic whining on John Edwards’ blog, it turns out the cyber-virtual computer-world “Second Life” maniacs who let loose a “feces-spewing obscenity” on the handsome candidate’s cyber-virtual computer-world “Second Life” pretend campaign headquarters are not lonely Republican cyber activists. The hit on Edwards’ HQ had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with making the intolerable boredom of “Second Life” sort of funny. Webzine 10 Zen Monkeys reveals the gang behind the hit is notorious for pulling dadaist pranks on the nervous cyber-avatars who spend all their time buying virtual penises and having furry conventions and virtual orgies on pretend nude beaches. Meet the Patriotic Nigras: e-terrorists at large, after the jump. Read more on Edwards HQ Cyber-Vandals: Non-Partisan Pranksters…
 

Iran Possesses Deadly “Paint” Technology

Iran’s Revolutionary National Guard claimed to the media that a crack “commando” unit recently snuck up behind an American warship stationed in the Persian Gulf and, well, tagged it. They drew the kick-ass logo of the Iranian Revolutionary National Guard, which has a gun and a fist and some kind of AT&T globe. Read more on Iran Possesses Deadly “Paint” Technology…
 

National Institute of Health Division Bravely Edits Own Wikpedia Entry

The National Institute on Drug Abuse, one of our nation’s most inept and evil agencies, is waging a war — a war on Wikipedia! After some office lackey noticed that the NIDA’s entry in the online “encyclopedia” was dangerously full of well-sourced “controversy” and criticism, they erased the whole thing and put up a press release. This is called “vandalism” and Wikipedia has robots that fix such things. But the edit wars continued through the late summer, until the Politico picked up the story this afternoon. As of now, the entry reads as it did pre-NIDA involvement. Read more on National Institute of Health Division Bravely Edits Own Wikpedia Entry…
 

Vandal With Lots of Time on Hands Target Virgil Goode

Rep. Virgil Goode, last seen demanding the deportation of a Muslim fellow congressman then awkwardly shaking his anti-American hand, is now the victim of vandalism. Really classy vandalism. Some professional sign painter or art student carefully wrote “bigot” in gold paint on the window of his District office, near the home of Thomas Jefferson. Read more on Vandal With Lots of Time on Hands Target Virgil Goode…
 

Jean Schmidt’s Evil Twin Wants to Give You $500

As a public service to our readers in Ohio, if your funds are a little low at the moment, you might want to lend a hand to Jennifer Black, better known as Congressthing Jean Schmidt’s evil twin. And it’s easy! All you have to do is find those meanies who keep defacing and/or destroying the pro-life signs on the grounds of the no-doubt ultraswanky Schmidt family farm. Heck, that doesn’t sound very hard: a couple of nights hiding in a field with a shotgun for five franklins? It’s like shooting cultural warrior fish in a barrel. And the opportunity to stand that close to Jean Schmidt’s shared gene pool? Heck, we’d do that for free. Read more on Jean Schmidt’s Evil Twin Wants to Give You $500…
 

Call For Submissions

Dear Congressional staffers who have have made over 1,000 edits to Wikipedia: Now that you’ve managed to get the full range of Senate and House IP addresses banned from editing Wikipedia, please do consider taking the time you previously spent defacing an online encyclopedia and use it sending us your various smears and defamatory comments. You needn’t bother with the whitewashed biographies (you didn’t think anyone would notice that the section on Bob Taft’s criminal convictions happened to go missing one morning?), but we would be more than happy to print your observations that, say, Virginia Congressman Eric Cantor “smells of cow dung.” Read more on Call For Submissions…