Wonkette

RON PAUL MUST HELP BLACK VAMPIRE TAX HERO! The Feds threw the book at American cinema/tax hero Wesley Snipes! Three Years for just evading income taxes and escaping to Africa. FREE WESLEY SNIPES! [New York Times]

Movie hero Wesley Snipes is beloved by Americans for killing vampires and helping Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis colonize space planets for the American Dream, but now the Evil American Government is trying to destroy him for protecting your tax rights! The celebrity star is in Florida today so a federal court can sentence him for tax evasion. The feds want to put him in jail for three years! But Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson have arrived in Florida and they are going to bust him out of the joint, hooray! UPDATE: Nooooooo! Three Years! [CNN/Ocala.com]

Beloved vampire writer Anne Rice has a very gloomy message for all you goths: Hillary Clinton will be your Queen of the Damned, and also the Lady President. Anne Rice is ecstatic, as you can tell from this video endorsement from the Haunted Mansion:

We are now anxiously, fearfully awaiting endorsement announcements from Count Chocula and Blackula.

Undead: Anne Rice Endorses Hillary [Political Machine]

Hoping to stop a Nixonian political comeback, a Serbian man went to the grave of war criminal Slobodan Milosevic on Saturday night and hammered a wooden stake through the dead strongman’s heart. MORE »

While American politicians are usually Satanists or Vampires, EU politicians are animated corpses and/or mummies. MORE »

* Don’t read this while eating dinner. [Mr. T in DC]
* Sincerely, please treat yourself to the vodka and vampire lair that is Russia House. [DCist]
* “Why are there so many ‘cunty’ women in DC?” And this, more puzzling complaint: “Bartenders who have no power in life and therefore abuse what little power they have over the distribution of alcohol. I just want a beer bitch. And no, you won’t get a tip from me.” [Attention Span of a Fly]
* Related: “The bartender came right up to our group and said ‘Hey, I’ve been acting like a jerk all night and I’m sorry. I got in a fight with my fiance and it wasn’t fair for me to take it out on you. What kind of shots would you like?’” [WonL]
* How cold is it? [why.i.hate.dc]
* Marion Barry evades taxes, gets lingam massage. [The DC Universe]

America’s crazy uncle who won’t shut up is at it again, and this time he’s insulting U.S. vampires by denigrating their patron saint, Dracula.

Emboldened by the Democrat victory earlier this month, the far left is rising like Dracula at midnight.

Whatever, racist. And Dracula didn’t “rise at midnight” any more than your precious Jesus “rose on Thursday.” MORE »

Everybody likes to “get in the spirit” of Halloween. Dennis Hastert is wearing his Jabba the Hutt costume, with Scott Palmer as Slave Leia. Ted Kennedy’s sporting his popular “Dead Kennedys” getup, and Laura Bush is once again dressed as “Evil soulless zombie monster baby-blood drinker.” MORE »

The first in what may or may not become an occasional series.

Remember the epic tale of Joe Lieberman’s website? It’s playing out again in miniature out in the frozen wasteland of Minnesota, where Amy Klobuchar and Mark Kennedy are fighting to replace Senator Mark Dayton (we know you probably don’t recognize any of those names, but bear with us).

MORE »

Minnesota Gubernatorial Candidate/Vampire Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey has been arrested on outstanding warrants for stalking and escape (honestly, what else could his outstanding warrants have been for?). Which gives the AP the chance to write this nearly-perfect graf: MORE »