Tag: valentines day

Worst Restaurant Customers Ever Start Brawl Over Employee Smiling At Them

We write a lot about terrible restaurant customers; it's kind of our thing. We would venture to suggest ours is somewhat of an expert opinion on this particular subject. As such, understand what it means when we say we...

Stories Of Staggeringly Dumb Restaurant Customers

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we've got week one of two of an old favorite: customers who were dumb it makes our...
STARBURSTS

Let’s Watch Barack And Michelle Obama Make Goo Goo Sexes At Each Other In Public

The birds are chirping and the salmons are sexing (somewhere probably) and love is in the air! That's because Sunday is Valentine's Day, and OK yeah we get it, the holiday is total BS, a thing foisted on those...
Not pictured: His dad's pride and joy, apparently.

Hey Everyone, Let’s Talk About Justin Bieber’s Penis, With His Dad!

Dads are great. (Unless yours isn't.) They share wisdom. (Unless yours doesn't.) They go to your piano recitals, and they never fail to support whatever it is their crazy kids get into, even if they don't always know what...

Hey Idiot Juvenile Wonker Pals, Here Is Your Valentine’s Day Boner Juice

This special potion is well-known in the Caribbean to give menfolk virility. It's hard to imagine a beverage better-suited for Valentine's Day, when we celebrate everlasting love (with everlasting boners). Treat your sweetheart right by drinking down one of...
Ah, the good old days

Learn This Hot New Trick To Raise Girls To Be Ladies, With Homemaking Classes

So it turns out Dr. James Dobson -- the conservative Bible-humper who founded pretty much all the greatest conservative Bible-humping groups, like Focus on the Family and the Family Research Council and Jesus Hates Your Gay Family and Your Family...

Suck It, Uggos: Fox News Wants To Isolate Unloved Kids On Valentine’s Day

Remember in school when you got those sweaty palms and sweaty armpits and sweaty everything else before you gave your "I Choo-Choo-Choose You" valentine to Lisa Simpson or whoever was the cutest girl in second grade? Well, the Precious Snowflake...

My Gun-y Valentine, Sweet Semiautomatic Valentine

You know what says love? A gun says love. Just ask anyone who's in love with guns, like maybe Kathy Kieffer at TownHall: Forget roses. This Valentine’s Day, give her a gift that shows you love her whole body and...

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape our browser tabs for the stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite worth a full post, stir in some weapons-grade snark, and serve it...

Americans Very Angry King Barack And Ugly Wife Did Not Have Mac And Cheese With Cut-Up Hot Dogs For Valentine’s Dinner

We try not to delve too often into comments sections for material, because honestly. But this, the day after Valentine's Day, is one of those occasions where it's sort of impossible not to. Did you know that Barack Obama...

Your Valentine’s Nice Time, In Which We Are Nice To Really Really Grody Folks For Really No Reason At All

We know you Wonkers are a persnickety lot, and man are you good at hate! But let's take a moment to give a Malbec-soaked shout-out to some people we hate while remembering their common humanity. Wait! Where'd you go??? First...

Your Valentine’s Cry-Time: John Boehner Hates His Wife

See that lady? The one John Boehner is ignoring while being ignored by Michelle Obama? That is no lady, that is John Boehner's wife! Sadly, John Boehner hates her. And Luke Russert, of all fucking people, got the scoop!...

Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s

Wonkers, please to have your Official Reminder that if you want romantic panties (with teeth!) for your damsel for Valentine's Day, you must order them by anytime tomorrow (Thursday, we guess), in order to get them on time through...

Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day

Wait, wait, we'll tell you all about Newt Gingrich's plans to get laid tonight in just a second -- that is what you all want to read about, right? -- but first: This Newt Gingrich "Valentine's Day attack site,"...

Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life

As we all know, First Lady Michelle Obama is a style icon, a champion of healthy eating, and a superhero. But she is also an expert on love, especially when it comes to romancing President Barack Obama. And thanks...

Egyptian Military Dissolves Parliament, Calls For Elections

Egyptian military leaders say they are dissolving the pro-Mubarak parliament and suspending the constitution, with the intention (allegedly) of holding elections within the next two months. Military police are still trying to mop up the remaining protesters in Tahrir...