Tag Archives: valentines day

  COCKtail Hour - really an hour I swear

Hey Idiot Juvenile Wonker Pals, Here Is Your Valentine’s Day Boner Juice

This special potion is well-known in the Caribbean to give menfolk virility. It’s hard to imagine a beverage better-suited for Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate everlasting love (with everlasting boners). Treat your sweetheart right by drinking down one of these and taking him or her to see 50 Shades of Grey, which is undoubtedly a cinematic masterpiece. Read more on Hey Idiot Juvenile Wonker Pals, Here Is Your Valentine’s Day Boner Juice…
 

Learn This Hot New Trick To Raise Girls To Be Ladies, With Homemaking Classes

Ah, the good old days
So it turns out Dr. James Dobson — the conservative Bible-humper who founded pretty much all the greatest conservative Bible-humping groups, like Focus on the Family and the Family Research Council and Jesus Hates Your Gay Family and Your Family Is Going To Hell In A Hand-basket Unless You Buy This Book By Dr. James Dobson — is still around doling out advice you don’t want or need. Read more on Learn This Hot New Trick To Raise Girls To Be Ladies, With Homemaking Classes…
  love thy neighbor except for the unpopular ones

Suck It, Uggos: Fox News Wants To Isolate Unloved Kids On Valentine’s Day

Remember in school when you got those sweaty palms and sweaty armpits and sweaty everything else before you gave your “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” valentine to Lisa Simpson or whoever was the cutest girl in second grade? Well, the Precious Snowflake Police are on top of things nowadays, making sure that if you bring a valentine for your elementary school sweetheart, you must bring valentines for the entire class. We are ok with this because the unpopular kids probably have a zillion shitty days of feeling excluded and being picked last for kickball and being ignored at lunch while they read their favorite Hardy Boys mystery for the umpteenth time. However, one Fox News guest wants to teach unloved seven- and eight-year-olds that life ain’t fair and they need to fucking get over it because life’s a bitch and if you don’t learn early that nobody loves you then our entire society has failed at making you feel like a social outcast before you even hit double digits. Because that’s exactly what Jesus would say, right after he kicked a cripple in the good leg. Let’s lovesplore.  Read more on Suck It, Uggos: Fox News Wants To Isolate Unloved Kids On Valentine’s Day…
  love in the time of calibers

My Gun-y Valentine, Sweet Semiautomatic Valentine

You know what says love? A gun says love. Just ask anyone who’s in love with guns, like maybe Kathy Kieffer at TownHall: Forget roses. This Valentine’s Day, give her a gift that shows you love her whole body and soul. Give her a gun. Your Valentine—whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, daughter or sister—deserves something very special. What could be more sentimental than a tool she can use to defend herself? When you give her a gun, you will be showing her that she is extremely precious and valuable to you. Man, we are ever glad we hadn’t already gone out and gotten our Significant Other those Rainbow Dash earrings we were looking at. Read more on My Gun-y Valentine, Sweet Semiautomatic Valentine…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape our browser tabs for the stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite worth a full post, stir in some weapons-grade snark, and serve it up to you. We recommend you add your own mental lubricant, but not right before you get interviewed by Bob Costas. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers…
  wingnuts furious

Americans Very Angry King Barack And Ugly Wife Did Not Have Mac And Cheese With Cut-Up Hot Dogs For Valentine’s Dinner

We try not to delve too often into comments sections for material, because honestly. But this, the day after Valentine’s Day, is one of those occasions where it’s sort of impossible not to. Did you know that Barack Obama took his wife out to dinner last night, to the hip new Jose Andres place? Did you also know that people are INSANE? Yes, Barack Obama flew home from Atlanta in time for his dinner date with the beautiful First Lady, and Yahoo News commenters went full Victoria Jackson. (Because Barack Obama was not supposed to fly home from Atlanta, we guess, but should have either taken a Greyhound bus or stayed in Atlanta forever.) There are your usual comments about monkeys and heaping platters of baby back ribs and buckets of KFC, but those are to be expected, because “postracial.” What interests us more is the SCIENCE FACT that since Barack Obama broke the economy and personally put all those millions of takers out of work, he and his ugly wife (did you know that Michelle Obama is ugly? We are sorry to say that this too is SCIENCE FACT) should be eating leftover meatloaf and mac and cheese with cut up hot dogs like Yahoo commenters do. Let us look, together, at how Yahoo commenters think a taxpayer-funded salary is supposed to work. Read more on Americans Very Angry King Barack And Ugly Wife Did Not Have Mac And Cheese With Cut-Up Hot Dogs For Valentine’s Dinner…
  if you can't say something nice come sit by me

Your Valentine’s Nice Time, In Which We Are Nice To Really Really Grody Folks For Really No Reason At All

We know you Wonkers are a persnickety lot, and man are you good at hate! But let’s take a moment to give a Malbec-soaked shout-out to some people we hate while remembering their common humanity. Wait! Where’d you go??? Read more on Your Valentine’s Nice Time, In Which We Are Nice To Really Really Grody Folks For Really No Reason At All…
  ooh la la

Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s

Wonkers, please to have your Official Reminder that if you want romantic panties (with teeth!) for your damsel for Valentine’s Day, you must order them by anytime tomorrow (Thursday, we guess), in order to get them on time through the US Mails. All right! Good post! Let’s look at what else you can buy for your sweetheart! Read more on Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s…
  yeeeeessshhhh

Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day

Wait, wait, we’ll tell you all about Newt Gingrich’s plans to get laid tonight in just a second — that is what you all want to read about, right? — but first: This Newt Gingrich “Valentine’s Day attack site,” Liberals Love Romney. It points out that Romney and various liberal men are gay for each other, which is hardly news. See it? There’s Al Gore, there’s Barack Obama, there’s George Soros, there’s Saul Alinsky. Oh, a lady — she needs to leave. It’s going to be a great Valentine’s night for Mitt Romney, according to this dumb Newt Gingrich website. What’s in store for Gingrich himself? Just go ahead and vomit now, to get it out of the way. Read more on Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life

As we all know, First Lady Michelle Obama is a style icon, a champion of healthy eating, and a superhero. But she is also an expert on love, especially when it comes to romancing President Barack Obama. And thanks to some terrific relationship advice from our FLOTUS, instead of eating Lunchables in front of a marathon of “Hoarders” or desperately whoring themselves out on Craigslist, Americans can celebrate Valentine’s Day in a classy, fat-free manner this year, by following our FLOTUS’ ultimate secret to a healthy, happy relationship: laughing at the president. Read more on Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life…
  it's morning in america

Egyptian Military Dissolves Parliament, Calls For Elections

Egyptian military leaders say they are dissolving the pro-Mubarak parliament and suspending the constitution, with the intention (allegedly) of holding elections within the next two months. Military police are still trying to mop up the remaining protesters in Tahrir Square, and banks are closed until Wednesday due to protests by National Bank workers, so basically anything can happen! (For example: the CIA might decide to murder everyone and then install John Bolton as King of Egypt and Bombing Iran.) Also, John Boehner said flattering things about Obama’s diplomatic skillz, which is a Hanukkah miracle. [BBC/CNN/NYT] Read more on Egyptian Military Dissolves Parliament, Calls For Elections… Read more on Egyptian Military Dissolves Parliament, Calls For Elections…
  every kiss begins with KKK

Remember To Send Your Rentboy a RNC E-Card Valentine!

St. Valentine’s Day — the Christian holiday for masturbating alone in your room while you cry — is fast approaching! But who knows, maybe you will meet your soul mate/a naked person on ChatRoulette tonight? Maybe! Either way, you should send one of these electronic RNC Valentine’s Day cards to someone that you hate with all your heart. Because that’s just what Reince Priebus wants you to do, for some reason. Read more on Remember To Send Your Rentboy a RNC E-Card Valentine!…
  rumors on the internets

Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised

Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al’s fursona was a “homeless but sensitive polar bear?” [Think Progress] Looks like it’s going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine’s Day, huh? Hey, why not fingerbang a heavily-discounted Newt Gingrich paperback from the NRO bookstore instead? Ships with a bottle of Newt’s famous pheromone cologne so you can set the mood! [The Corner] Read more on Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised…
  spaceship lifestyles

Things Will Be Better in Future Times

Valentine’s Day can be a somber affair for some, but the kind folks responsible for Future Times at Dahlak on Saturday made it their job to equitably distribute the love to all who attended. Exciting pictorial fun, after the jump. Read more on Things Will Be Better in Future Times…
  a romantic message from your republican lover

Romantic RNC Valentines Make Triumphant Return

Last year the Republican National Committee redefined humor forever with their amazing Valentine’s Day cards. These cards showcased Democratic sexpots Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton imploring voters to have sex with them, constantly, and also raise taxes. This year, they have taken things one step further and devolved into full-on pornography. Come and look! Look and come! Read more on Romantic RNC Valentines Make Triumphant Return…
 

Paultards Minting Delicious Edible Money

It’s too late for this year, but maybe next Valentine’s Day you can give your favorite Libertarian a sweet treat that’s also a kick in the nuts to the ILLEGAL UNCONSTITUTIONAL “FEDERAL” RESERVE. Start stockpiling now! [RonPaulChocolate.com] Read more on Paultards Minting Delicious Edible Money…
 

Happy Valentine’s Day, Muslim Fanatics!

Thanks to our friends at FoxNews.com, we now know what these Fanatics in Pakistan think about Valentine’s Day, which is Pakistan’s main holiday. So when you crowd into a mediocre restaurant tonight with your primary current sex partner and a hundred other unhappy couples and you all pay $175 for a crappy “Romantic Tasting Menu” and some dried-out cake called “Chocolate Romance Truffle Passion Sponge,” remember that you are fighting the Islamo-Fascists in your own little sad consumer way. [Fox News] Read more on Happy Valentine’s Day, Muslim Fanatics!…
 

More RNC Valentines For You and Yours

The GOP can’t just pick on Barack Obama with these valentines, because that would be racist. So here’s some clever wordplay, involving two of the alphabet’s most famous letters, “t” and “ax.” [RNC: Valentine’s Day Cards] Read more on More RNC Valentines For You and Yours…
 

A Very Drunk Valentine From Late Night Shots

Are you lonely on Valentine’s Day? The closed social-networking All Stars at Late Night Shots are planning an “Anonymous Love Party” at Smith Point, and you can dedicate power ballads, to no one. [LNS] Read more on A Very Drunk Valentine From Late Night Shots…
 

Republicans Begin Hilarious Anti-Obama Campaign

For the past 72 years, the Republican National Committee has been preparing for Hillary’s 2008 presidential run. A vast warehouse of anti-Hitlery clip art and dumb slogans was ready for General Election warfare. But now it seems young & hopeful Barack Obama might end up as the nominee. What will they come up with to go against Mr. Inclusive “I Like Reagan” Obama — especially when he already willingly admitted his Ivy League dope fun in a book? The answer is “complain that he hasn’t been in Washington long enough.” [RNC Valentine] Read more on Republicans Begin Hilarious Anti-Obama Campaign…