Tag Archives: Utah

  Ten Thousand Applicants One Cup

Welfare Drug Tests Don’t Work, So Now Republicans Want Them Everywhere

We might go see a band named 'Welfare Piss Test'
In an enormous surprise to nobody who saw it fail miserably in Florida, it turns out that drug-testing applicants for welfare doesn’t work well anywhere else, either. Think Progress reviewed the seven states that currently require applicants for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) and found that they’re all spending a huge amount of money to “ferret out very few drug users.” Imagine that! In addition to being found unconstitutional, at least in Florida so far, the programs don’t find many drug users: a far smaller percentage than in the general population. But that’s not stopping about a dozen other states — including Montana, Texas, West Virginia, and the libertarian paradise that is Wisconsin, of course — from proposing such programs, because slapping poor people around is always politically popular. Read more on Welfare Drug Tests Don’t Work, So Now Republicans Want Them Everywhere…
  Science: Don't Let It Happen To Your Kids!

Utah Puts Science Standards On Hold, Demands More Local Control Of Reality

Republican science standards adopted
Congratulations go out to the great state of Utah, which is in the process of revising its state science education standards for the first time in nearly 20 years. The new proposed standards will be phased in, starting with grades six, seven, and eight, and will emphasize more direct, hands-on experimentation along with classroom lectures and labs, to encourage scientific thinking. But this being a Wonkette story that doesn’t have “Nice Time” in the headline, you already know, Dear Reader, what’s coming next: there’s just one or two teensy-tiny problems that some people are having with bringing Utah’s science education into the 21st century, and they have to do with the fact that the proposed science standards include too much darned science for some people’s tastes. Because of complaints from parents, the Utah Board of Education has put on hold plans to move the new standards to their next stage, a public-comment period. Read more on Utah Puts Science Standards On Hold, Demands More Local Control Of Reality…
 

Utah Republican Pretty Sure You Can’t Rape Your Wife, Cuz, Like, She’s Your Wife

Rep. Brian Greene (R-Confused)
It sure is tricky to know when it it OK to rape a lady or other kind of person.* Like, if that person is unconscious and can’t say “Yes, please sex me so good, baby,” that might be rape, right? The Utah legislature thinks maybe that is right, so it is debating a bill, H.B. 74 Consent Definition for Sexual Offense, to clarify that, among other things, “when the defendant knows the victim is unconscious or unaware, the provision requiring proof that the victim has not consented is removed.” Read more on Utah Republican Pretty Sure You Can’t Rape Your Wife, Cuz, Like, She’s Your Wife…
  FAA issues Flying Pigs Alert

Mormons Suddenly Okay With Some Gay Rights, Weird!

Hello!
Image by Sara Phillips & Neil DaCosta, “Mormon Missionary Positions” So here’s a sentence we never would have predicted we’d type: Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have come out (ahem!) in support of a Utah law prohibiting discrimination against LGBT people. Not surprisingly, there’s a catch — they also want to make sure that “religious freedom” is not infringed by any such nondiscrimination law. Read more on Mormons Suddenly Okay With Some Gay Rights, Weird!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America

How good do you heart America?
Ever wondered if you are a Smart Conservative or a total America-hating idiot? Probably not, but just in case you’re confused, the folks at the National Center for Public Policy Research — who, apparently, are not in any way kidding — have devised a super simple quiz for you to find out: Read more on Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America…
  What The (Bleep!) Does Anyone Know?

2014: The Year Of Terrible Science From People Saying ‘I’m Not A Scientist’

Science: now officially optional!
We know that politicians actually started saying “I’m not a scientist” well before 2014 — Marco Rubio adopted it in 2012 when asked how old the earth was — but this was definitely the year it became Republicans’ go-to strategy for avoiding journalists’ questions about global warming and/or evolution. On matters of climate, it’s a fine supplement to the previous favorite dodge, “I believe the climate is always changing.” And what a fine year of not-science the Right has given us! Read more on 2014: The Year Of Terrible Science From People Saying ‘I’m Not A Scientist’…
  The Derp Before Christmas

Derp Roundup: Zombie Baby Jesus Edition

And that's what Hearth's Warming Eve is all about, Zombie Brown
It’s a special Ho-Ho-Huh? Edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the stories that don’t quite deserve their very own posts, but are too stupid to ignore altogether. So light the candles and gather round the hearth, and start drinking  first thing in the morning if that gets you through this mess. Absinthe is Christmassy, isn’t it? Read more on Derp Roundup: Zombie Baby Jesus Edition…
  a day in the life

TLC Invites You To Watch Maybe-Gay Mormons Ice Skate, Try Not To Think About Naked Guys

We’ve come to expect a certain level of quality and self-awareness from The Learning Channel, which has brought us such chronicles of the human condition as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, 90-Day Fiancee, and Sarah Palin’s Alaska. From this august tradition comes their new one-hour special, My Husband’s Not Gay, in which Mormon guys who like other guys show us how fun it is for them to be married to women. Read more on TLC Invites You To Watch Maybe-Gay Mormons Ice Skate, Try Not To Think About Naked Guys…
  How Many Divisions Does Salt Lake Have?

Utah Plans To Just Take Federal Land, Anticipates No Real Problem With That

DRAINAGE, Eli, DRAINAGE
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program of tragic police shootings of young black men with this BREAKING news from Utah. Beginning on Dec. 31, the state of Utah plans to “seize” 31.2 million acres of land currently owned and controlled by the federal government. This is the result of a 2012 law whereby the state of Utah basically decided that it gets to make up the rules, and the rest of the country gets to follow them. Here’s the summary from the Washington Times, which is a terrible paper you should never read. Read more on Utah Plans To Just Take Federal Land, Anticipates No Real Problem With That…
  A Good Girl Without A Gun

School Shooting Foiled By Unarmed Teen Using Words (Also Cops)

Just another day at school
A possible shooting rampage at a rural Utah high school was foiled Monday when an alert student saw a 16-year-old with a gun in his waistband and reported it to the school’s resource officer. The incident at Fremont High School in Plain City, Utah, was resolved by law enforcement, without any armed teachers or open-carrying civilians coming to the rescue, which we are given to understand is impossible, so the whole thing was probably just another false flag incident aimed at taking away Americans’ guns. Read more on School Shooting Foiled By Unarmed Teen Using Words (Also Cops)…
  Porn Again

Your Pastafarian Porn Lady Of The Day

Stop fapping, this is srs bsns
Jessica Steinhauser aka Asia Lemmon aka Asia Carrera In a story that is no doubt Relevant To Wonkers’ Interests, former adult film actress Asia Lemmon, who also goes by Jessica Steinhauser and used to perform as “Asia Carrera” (apparently nothing’s hotter than thinking of Porsches while watching porn), got her Utah driver’s license photo taken while wearing a colander on her head. This is a thing that has become fashionable among some self-professed members of the satirical — or IS IT? — Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who also call themselves Pastafarians: Read more on Your Pastafarian Porn Lady Of The Day…
  Pregnant Is The New Black

Texas Wants In On This Pregnancy Crimes Game, Too

Invasion of the babby-snatchers
Looks like we have a trend story here! A few days ago we brought you the story of Alabama Supreme Court Judge Tom Parker, who’s working to end ‘bortion forever by building a whole bunch of cases that treat fetuses as persons — often in criminal prosecutions of pregnant women who are caught using drugs, even though laws they’re prosecuted under don’t specify that they apply to zygotes. Read more on Texas Wants In On This Pregnancy Crimes Game, Too…
  Open up and say awwwwww yeah

Gay Supreme Court Jams Gay Gay Marriage Down Red States’ Gay Gay Gay Throats (With Gayness)

A gaysplosion of gay all over gay America
The Supreme Court is sick and tired of your whining, red states, and does not even want to hear you cry about gay marriage anymore. The justices already told you your dumb marriage bans are dumb, and what part of “IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY, GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!” do you not understand? Read more on Gay Supreme Court Jams Gay Gay Marriage Down Red States’ Gay Gay Gay Throats (With Gayness)…
  Ignore the law with this one neat trick

Your Religious Beliefs Can Get You Out Of Pretty Much Anything Now, Thanks SCOTUS!

United States of
Used to be there was a law that U.S. Americans of America had to obey the law, but thanks to the Supreme Court and its super screwed decision in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby — yes, still mad about that; yes, gonna have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren to teach them to be mad about it too — those days are dead as fried chicken. Read more on Your Religious Beliefs Can Get You Out Of Pretty Much Anything Now, Thanks SCOTUS!…
  he's a doctor honey

Rep. Dr. Mike Kennedy, Esq., Will Protect Utah From Dangerous Hospitals

dr mike jd aww yeah
Image via Dr. Mike’s YouTube campaign video People of Utah, did you know you are under threat by monstrous hazards that lurk behind gleaming facades, endangering your very life under the diabolical ruse of helping you avoid death? There could even be one of these hulking terrors right in your own neighborhood.  Fortunately, there is a kindly doctorman fighting to protect you from these deathtraps, these hospitals, by making sure you don’t have access to them. That man is Dr. Mike, J.D., also known as state Rep. Michael S. Kennedy of Utah’s 27th House District. Read more on Rep. Dr. Mike Kennedy, Esq., Will Protect Utah From Dangerous Hospitals…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Anyone A Racist When The Blacks Are Such Criminals?

Scootaloo is neither a gun owner nor Jewish, as far as we know. She worships Rainbow Dash
Time for another trip to the slop bucket that is our Comments Queue, and we have a fine variety of the loveliest Dear Shitferbrainses you could hope for this time out. First up, one “DakirSmith” was quite upset with us for slurring fired racist radio guy Anthony Cumia as a “racist.” UNFAIR! No way is Anthony Cumia a racist, and we would know that if only we’d hung on every word Anthony Cumia has ever said about black people, like DakirSmith has: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Anyone A Racist When The Blacks Are Such Criminals?…
  And Synonyms Just Make People Sin

Utah Language School Fires Blogger For Promoting Homophone Agenda

And there go a quarter of the comments...
No matter how much we wish this was a case of a paper overselling its headline, it is absolutely true: A social-media specialist for a private language school in Provo, Utah, has been fired because he wrote a blog piece about homophones, which his employer worried would make the school seem gay somehow. You see, Nomen Global Language Center is a school for foreigns learning English, and owner Clarke Woodger was very upset at blogger Tim Torkildson (all names in this story are real, even if they sound like they’re from a Dickens novel set in Lake Wobegon) for using that word. So here’s what happens when you write a Facebook post about words that sound the same but have different meanings, but you work for an ash whole: Read more on Utah Language School Fires Blogger For Promoting Homophone Agenda…
  where's the teeth?

Here Is A Picture Of Mitt Romney’s Grandchildren Inside A Giant Vagina

Mitt Romney went camping and he was all blah blah blah the American West and air conditioning and there’s nothing more important than family, also the Ukraine. Honestly, you don’t need to read it, it is boring and lame and it doesn’t even say anything unintentionally hilarious and his wife Egg didn’t even say anything about how UNLIKE MICHELLE OBAMA, she loves her family. Good god, that woman is a fucking cunt. Read more on Here Is A Picture Of Mitt Romney’s Grandchildren Inside A Giant Vagina…
  hippie vice time people

Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don’t Trust Anyone Named ‘Hitler,’ Even If She Is A Hippie

There was some serious harshing of the mellow at this year’s Rainbow Family Gathering near Heber City, Utah, when a hippie lady who calls herself “Hitler” stabbed another hippie person, nonfatally, thank goodness. Leilani Novak-Garcia, who prefers the name “Hitler” (we couldn’t find any background on why she chose that moniker, exactly), was arrested and charged with attempted murder after stabbing a 45-year-old man multiple times. But we bet she had a really good reason! Read more on Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don’t Trust Anyone Named ‘Hitler,’ Even If She Is A Hippie…
  police story

Hero Utah Cop Did Not Guard The Gays At Their Parade Because Freedom

You guys, are we talking about the gays too much? We’re a little worried we’re talking about the gays too much, but there’s just so much gayness happening right now, you know? So many other states rammed gay marriage down our throats since Utah did last year that we’d kind of forgotten all about how adorable they were being all newly out and proud. On Sunday, Salt Lake City had an extra-biggish Pride parade to celebrate, but one Christian cop stood athwart the gays yelling “STOP” and refused to work at the parade. What a prince. Read more on Hero Utah Cop Did Not Guard The Gays At Their Parade Because Freedom…
  dances with idiots

Cliven Bundy’s Son Is Rosa Parks Of Riding ATVs Through Protected Native Lands

Having made their point about letting welfare cattle mooch off the publicly owned lands of Nevada, Cliven Bundy’s idiot supporters turned their sights on freeing ATVs, with an illegal ride through Recapture Canyon in southeastern Utah. The ride was endorsed and encouraged by Bundy, who told his supporters in an email, “We need to help the people of Blanding re-establish who is in control of the land. This is your next stand. Will you be there to help them like you helped us?” The Bureau of Land Management had banned ATVs and other recreational vehicles from Recapture Canyon to preserve archaeological sites and artifacts from Native American culture. This includes Native burial grounds, and apparently none of the idiots who participated in this ride have ever seen Poltergeist. Read more on Cliven Bundy’s Son Is Rosa Parks Of Riding ATVs Through Protected Native Lands…