• Hooray, the demon water main that plagued Bethesda with rapids of inconvenience has been fixed. It is hilariously located on River Road, which is also now re-opened. [DC Examiner]
• More tragic news of journalism layoffs: The “U” has been fired from the sign atop the USA Today building. It will now blog for the Daily Beast.   [Fishbowl DC]
• There’s been an increase in juvenile DC murderers this year, some as young as 16. But are they killing at a tenth-grade level? [Washington Post]
• Nine MUSLIMS were removed from a flight to MUSLIM-dominated Florida out of National after some passengers heard them talking about airplanes, a highly suspicious, Muslim-y thing to do while on board an airplane. [WTOP]
• Today is the deadline to apply for a prime spot as a member of Obama’s Inauguration team. You will be paid with a “commemorative volunteer credential,” which will soon out-value United States currency. [DCist]

Here is your favorite Gallup daily tracking poll, which shows Barack Obama beating John McCain by a million points in recent days. Oh and what’s this, it’s another Gallup poll, in collaboration with USA Today, which shows WALNUTS! winning by four points. Why is Gallup being so gay? [Gallup, USA Today]

Hillary Clinton is the worst person on Earth by at least 90 million “terrible person” points. In an interview with USA Today, she overtly says that white people don’t like Obama:

“I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on,” she said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article “that found how Sen. Obama’s support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me.”

Whatever, Goebbels. [USA Today]

The biggest scandal in Barack Obama’s presidential run has been this: He may have agreed to accept public financing in the general election if his opponent did as well, but now that he’s a rich man, he might not want to do that at all. He’s a hypocritical shark god, off with his pretty head, etc. etc. and so forth. But Barry’s so honest that he wrote an op-ed today in America’s newspaper, USA Today, outlining his case on the matter. Does he make any sense or just continue to lie forever? MORE »

American heroes George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton have topped Gallup’s most admired man and woman in America poll. On top of that, it’s the sixth year in a row that they’ve shared the honor. In other news, Gallup is a very credible institution. [USA Today]

Mike Huckabee, a.k.a. the very poor man’s Kevin Spacey, isn’t just demystifying Mitt’s pajamas in Iowa — he’s now taking on the entire world! Or at least… the entire Amerka! MORE »

People on the road and in hotels for Thanksgiving tomorrow are sure to check out USA Today en masse, because that’s just what you do when you’re on the road. As they happily skim through the usual 50-word pieces about new breast cancer research (and 10 billion accompanying pie charts), a full page ad of unusual arrogance, misplaced enthusiasm and opaque references to our Founding Fathers will get in their way. That’s right: The Paultard virus has somehow affected the printing presses of USA Today and will insert a full-page ad (PDF) into tomorrow’s edition. Discuss.