Tag Archives: u.s. constitution

  You May Not Say He's A Dreamer

Jeb Bush Asks Media For Help Slurring Brown Babies

Might need changing, might just be gassy
Might need changing, might just be gassy Jeb! Bush continued a family tradition this week: say something stupid, then say something even MORE stupid in an attempt to explain the first stupid thing. Read more on Jeb Bush Asks Media For Help Slurring Brown Babies…
  Natural Born Idiots

Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President

You'd be surprised how many mollusks are in high office
It’s nice to know that the birthers won’t go away merely because Barack Hussein Obama is finally going to end his illegal eight-year occupation of the White House in January 2017. Now that they’ve studied up a whole lot on what they think is the incontrovertible law of the United States of America, they’ve decided that four of the guys riding the 2016 GOP clown car may also be ineligible to be president because they’re not really Natural Born Citizens. Read more on Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President…
  Surprisingly Free Of Nazi Analogies

Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!

The War on Christmas is already here in August, according to Fox & Friends host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who seems to have forgotten that Bill O’Reilly won the War on Christmas last year. Maybe this is one of those mopping-up-insurgents things, because Hasselbeck informs us, with much solemnity, that the city of Belen, New Mexico, has been warned that its year-round nativity scene violates the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. But is Mayor Jerah Cordova going to just comply with some dumb letter from the Freedom from Religion Foundation? Of course not! Because, you see, Belen is Spanish for “Bethlehem,” and the nativity scene is therefore not a religious display but a historical monument, commemorating events that didn’t exactly happen in New Mexico, but who said a historical monument has to depict actual events from the area? Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln never set foot in South Dakota, after all. (We haven’t researched it, but we bet Teddy Roosevelt probably did — and killed something while he was there.) Read more on Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!…
  Also Jesus Wrote Both

Ben Carson Not Sure Which Bible Parts Are The Boss Of The Constitution

And that's how America was made!
Here’s a fun moment from the very end of an interview with neurosurgeon and Jesus Man Ben Carson on “Meet the Press.” Chuck Todd passed along this query from Facebook user Victor Roush: “Simple question: Does the Bible have authority over the Constitution?” This is NOT a simple question, though, it’s a really tough question! After all, this is a guy who’s only running for president because God forced him to against his will, and who copied all his answers on a chemistry final from Jesus. Read more on Ben Carson Not Sure Which Bible Parts Are The Boss Of The Constitution…
  Or you Could Try 'Love It Or Leave It'

Wingnuts Want Very Own Sanctuary Cities Where Gay Abortions Can’t Hurt Them

Noooo! Even Jebus has those rainbow thingies!
In what has to be either an amazing coincidence or the result of a drunken late night conference call, two different rightwing Christianists have suddenly proposed the idea of establishing “Sanctuary Cities” where Christians can be safe from oppression, free to pass laws against abortion and gay marriage, liberated from tyrannical Supreme Court decisions they don’t like. This seems like a perfectly reasonable solution, because if there’s one thing America’s about, it’s local freedom to ignore the Constitution. Read more on Wingnuts Want Very Own Sanctuary Cities Where Gay Abortions Can’t Hurt Them…
  Today In Theocracy

Bryan Fischer To Save America From Satan Statues With Special Jesus Constitution

Like Gamera, Baphomet is the friend of children everywhere
The merry Establishment Clause tricksters of the Satanic Temple held a big unveiling of their 1-ton statue of Baphomet over the weekend. Because they’re still waiting on a permit to place it next to the Ten Commandments monument at Oklahoma’s Capitol building — a monument that may be coming down anyway — the unveiling was held at the Satanic Temple’s chapter in Detroit. Not surprisingly, American Family Association radio guy Bryan Fischer is plenty angry about it, and would like you all to know that if we followed the REAL Constitution of the United States, none of this would be allowed, because the Founders only meant the First Amendment to apply to Christians. Read more on Bryan Fischer To Save America From Satan Statues With Special Jesus Constitution…
  Since When Is The Supreme Court Supreme?

Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works

Rachel has the best WTF face
Not that he’s desperate or anything, but Rick Santorum chose a pretty weird place for an interview. He sat down with Rachel Maddow for a chat Wednesday, far away from the comfortably familiar Idiot Crew at Fox News. We guess he wanted to show that he could hold his own against the Liberal Media’s most prominent nerd or something. They exchanged compliments: Maddow thinks he’s one of the best communicators in the Republican field, especially with a live crowd, and Santorum respects that she’s tough but sticks to policy, not personal attacks. And despite her generous suggestion to brainstorm some ways of picking a fight with Donald Trump so he can raise his profile enough to get into the first GOP debate in August, Santorum politely declined the offer. Heck, he could try calling Trump an asshole. Noting that he’d run a close second to Mitt Romney in the 2012 primaries, Maddow asked Santorum why all that support has evaporated. Santorum’s answer: it’s early yet, they’ll all come back, you’ll see. (Fun fact: That’s not the real answer. The real answer is that he benefited from being the least freakish — barely — of the anyone-but-Mitt candidates.) Read more on Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works…
  Soon To Be Part Of Donald Trump's Platform

Texas Tells American Babies To Go Back To Mexico

Considering that's an 1861 flag, maybe we should let the little Timelord stay
You have to hand it (“it” in this case being a flaming bag of dog poop) to the Great State of Texas: When it comes to finding new ways to be total dicks, the creativity and imagination of Texas government is almost boundless. The newest nomination for the Asshole Hall of Fame goes to officials in at least two Texas counties who have decided to take on the issue of “anchor babies” by just plain refusing to issue birth certificates for American-born children of parents whose immigration status the clerks aren’t happy with. Wingnuts have been screaming for years about the urgent need to modify the 14th Amendment to prevent the horror of birthright citizenship, so instead of holding more hearings about it, why not just ignore the parts of the Constitution they don’t like? Read more on Texas Tells American Babies To Go Back To Mexico…
  Monumental Failin'

Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin To State Supreme Court: You Are Not The Boss Of Her!

The monument is 6 feet high, so that man and buggy must be HUGE
In what has to be a huge surprise to some single-celled organisms who didn’t know any better, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has decided to ignore last week’s order by the state Supreme Court to remove the giant Ten Commandments monument from the grounds of the Statehouse, because God’s Word, but mostly because it’s not a religious thing at all — it’s just a historical marker, really! In a statement, Fallin said, Read more on Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin To State Supreme Court: You Are Not The Boss Of Her!…
  God Hates Flags

Mean U.S. Constitution Bullies Alabama Town Into Removing Christian Flag From City Hall

Say. No. More.
The rampant march of militant atheism continued this week, just destroying families and making Baby Jebus cry again, as the demon-spawned hordes of the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) forced Glencoe, Alabama (pop. 5160), to take down its “Christian Flag” from out front of the town’s police station and city hall. Maybe they can make up for it by starting every public meeting with a prayer or something, just to make sure Alabama doesn’t suddenly go all secularist. Read more on Mean U.S. Constitution Bullies Alabama Town Into Removing Christian Flag From City Hall…
  The Suin' 'Er State

Oklahoma Supreme Court Murders God

Note th' Illuminati symbol over th' Eagle!!!
In your Separation of Church and State Nice Time, the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a Ten Commandments monument at the state Capitol building has to be removed, because it violates the Oklahoma Constitution, never mind the U.S. one. Fans of Establishment Clause trolls the Satanic Temple aren’t sure whether to rejoice or be a little sad today, because now the group has no reason to push for the inclusion of its awesome statue of Baphomet giving his Satanic blessing to little children. Sadly, we have a feeling it will still be needed elsewhere. Read more on Oklahoma Supreme Court Murders God…
  Nearer My Derp To Thee

Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now

Works way better than tinfoil
Well, America, it’s been a nice run, but it’s all done now, you realize, because the Supreme Court did Gay 9/11 all over us today. And who knows that better than Texas Congress-ballbearing Louie Gohmert, who had dire warnings for the once-great United States of America. Get ready, America: It’s Smitin’ Time. Read more on Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now…
  He's more like a Walmart greeter

Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way

Maybe Jesus is a Messican guy who lives in the city.
The mean liberals at the Freedom From Religion Foundation have found their latest target, and it is the innocent residents of Hawkins, Texas, who really like the big ugly-ass sign they have at the entrance to town that says “Jesus welcomes you to Hawkins.” What’s the problem? Oh, it’s on city-owned land, which means the city is endorsing Jesus as a deity, when they are supposed to remain impartial, according to that quaint little thing called the United States Constitution. But hold on a minute, according to the mayor, this is FINE, because Jesus is not welcoming people in a RELIGIOUS way. It’s more because Jesus is so popular — guess he just likes to greet people, like at Walmart: Read more on Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way…
  Yet Another 'Another American Revolution'

Ted Cruz Supports Gun Control, To Protect Ted Cruz

Be vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Dewegates!
Hey, Ted Cruz, what’s your next cool fundraiser idea? Wow, a chance for some lucky gun-humping donor to go shootin’ with the senator? That sounds like more fun than staying up all night playing RISK with Rand Paul! Funny thing though; the contest requires that the winner be able to pass a background check. It’s in the fine print, which specifies that the “Sponsor” of the sweepstakes — the Cruz campaign — must verify that Ted Cruz will be at least nominally safe with his brand new huntin’ buddy: Read more on Ted Cruz Supports Gun Control, To Protect Ted Cruz…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches.

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice. Read more on Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches….
  wingnut bingo

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Your Article About Obama Failed To Note He Is A Child

Hey-ho, wonkadoodlers! Time for another trip to the comments queue to see what brilliance we have received from would-be commenters. Our first note today comes from “JustPJs,” who apparently is very relaxed in personal attire but not in vigilance when it comes to LIBERTY. JustPJs was very displeased by our little New Year’s Eve piece on how libruls have fallen out of love with Barry Bamz, because it ignores some basic facts: Hey Rebecca, back away from the crack pipe girl. This one of the most ridiculous articles I have ever read. This child in chief has stomped all over the constitution since day one. When Republicans take the senate in ’14 This POTUS will be lucky if he is not impeached. The most dishonest administration in this nations history. His ” 1/2 blackness” is just as bad as his 1/2 whiteness. Wow, that had everything but “birf certificate” in there, though maybe that’s implied among the many things for which Obama will be impeached (BenghazIRSfast&furiousolydrabenghaziiiiiii). With GOP retaking the Senate, impeachment, most dishonest ever, and half-blackness — that’s four spaces on your Wingnut Meme Bingo card. And yet, surprisingly short on details! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Your Article About Obama Failed To Note He Is A Child…