Tag Archives: united nations

  triumph of the shrill

Victoria Jackson Just Says Yes To Running For Office, All Wonkette’s Fever Nightmare Dreams Come True

We knew it might happen. We hoped for the best. We had a campaign poster contest. And now we have the candidate. The Tennessean reports: Former “Saturday Night Live” cast member Victoria Jackson wants her next act to be as a Williamson County Commissioner. Jackson, who moved to Thompson’s Station last year, is petitioning as an independent to become a candidate for one of two District 2 commission seats, currently held by commissioners Betsy Hester and John Hancock. V-Jack, honey, we are behind you 3000 percent. And in your world, that’s a real number. Read more on Victoria Jackson Just Says Yes To Running For Office, All Wonkette’s Fever Nightmare Dreams Come True…
  and on the 8th day god said let there be derp

Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!

Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the ‘white’ back in White House? No, not the one what closes bridges because of petty political bickering — the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today’s trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching… wait for it… The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let’s sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster.  Read more on Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!…
  something something sovereignty

New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas

Here’s your Conspiracy Theory du jour: the Wingnuttosphere is buzzing with warnings that the United Nations is on the verge of taking over the Alamo, that sacred symbol of freedom and resistance to tyranny (especially Messicans and Obama) in San Antonio, Texas. From there, presumably, the UN will proceed to crush liberty, seize all the guns, and force every pickup owner to ride a pink bicycle while wearing a sissy little helmet with daisy stickers on it. Even worse, subversive elements within the city and federal governments are working behind the scenes to make it happen! You know it has to be a serious threat, because warnings about the coming takeover have been issued by the head of the San Antonio Tea Party and by Alex Jones’ Infowars website. If you can’t rely on them, who can you trust? Read more on New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas…
  Do Randroids Dream of Electric Sheeple?

Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously

Forget trying to make sense of Peggy Noonan on Syria. We’re sticking with Alex Jones. He may not be anchored in reality, but at least he’s clear about where he stands. Which is solidly in the Twilight Zone: Alex Jones said this week that an effort to avert a U.S. attack on Syria with diplomacy was actually a United Nations plot for the extinction of the human race, which would be replaced by “globalists” like President Barack Obama who would become cyborgs by using “life-extension technologies.” Well, yeah. It all kind of makes sense when you put it like that. Read more on Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously…
  international statesman

Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building

Former Arkansas governor, teevee talker, and maybe serious presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is doing That Thing He Does once again, throwing red meat to the right wing, probably to be followed by an appearance on the Daily Show where he impresses Jon Stewart with how nice and avuncular he is. But for now, the wingnut fantasies: On Saturday’s Fox & Friends, Huckabee said that the United Nations’ failure to condemn or authorize action against Syria was reason enough to play out a John Birch Society fantasy: “Let’s jackhammer the whole thing off, float it into the East River and be done with it,” Huckabee said We don’t quite get this rightwing fascination with tearing up the UN building and stomping on the pieces — or maybe if you’re John Bolton, just the top 10 stories — but sure, Huck, why not. Or maybe the UN should slide down a rusty razor into a vat of lemon juice. Or we should shoot it into space. Or cover it in honey and let fire ants crawl all over it, then cook the ants and the UN with a giant magnifying glass. Yeah, that’d be cool. Read more on Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building…
  american taliban

Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’

Remember how last week we all got a little teary-eyed at the courage of Malala Yousafzai, who survived being shot in the head last fall by extremists who don’t want Pakistani girls to go to school, and who addressed the United Nations last week and talked about the importance of education, and its power to defeat extremism? Pretty inspiring, huh? Well, as they say, you know who else found Malala inspiring? Chuck Norris. Action movie star, creationist, and content producer for the internet’s largest repository of idiot conspiracy theories, WND. Chuck Norris admires Malala for her stand for education. To her credit, Malala Yousafzai didn’t even cringe at the thought. Read more on Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’…
  global nice time

Malala Yousafzai Celebrates Her 16th Birthday at U.N., Makes Us Almost Not Cynical For A Little Bit

Life is rough sometimes, what with mancave workplaces and grading badly-written memos and even exploding foamy pig shit sometimes. But then people like Malala Yousafzai come along and make us feel grateful that the worst most of us have to deal with is reading terrible memos in a cube farm full of pig doots. Malala, as you recall, is the Pakistani girl who “was shot in the head on a school bus by Taliban gunmen because of her campaign for girls’ rights.” And you know what she did? She said FUCK YOU TALIBAN, I’M GONNA LIVE. And she did. And she recovered, because she is a fucking badass chick. And did she stop her campaign for girls’ rights? Hellz no. She took that fight to the FUCKING UNITED NATIONS today: Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl shot by the Taliban, has told the U.N. that books and pens scare extremists, as she urged education for all…. Speaking on her 16th birthday, Malala said efforts to silence her had failed…. The speech at the UN headquarters in New York was her first public address since last October’s incident in Pakistan’s north-western Swat valley. That’s how you celebrate a sweet 16th birthday. Since Malala is an epic global badass, let’s wonksplore what she is fighting for.  Read more on Malala Yousafzai Celebrates Her 16th Birthday at U.N., Makes Us Almost Not Cynical For A Little Bit…
  it was those other guys or something

U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time

Almost 650,000 Haitians have contracted cholera since a giant earthquake struck the island in 2010. This is kind of a weird thing to have happened, since cholera is caused by a bacterium called Vibrio cholerae and not by being shaken around a lot and watching your house fall down. Cholera wasn’t a widespread problem in Haiti before October 2010, so where did it come from? Who gave Haiti a case of the runs so bad that THEY DIE? Well, according to a study and another study and a third study and Bill Clinton, it was the United Nations. But don’t worry! The United Nations has decided the United Nations has diplomatic immunity, according to a policy written by the United Nations. Phew. Read more on U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time…
  Part 24: Good End Times Man

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Book That’s Ready For Apocalypse, Now

Well, time tourists, we have made it to our final visit to our 10th grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. This post will be a bit longish, because there’s a whole lot of crazy to cover between the fall of the USSR and the end of the world, but we want to wrap this book up today so next week we can read some Christianist Sex Ed. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Book That’s Ready For Apocalypse, Now…
  Gentlemen! You Can't Pander Here -- This Is An Election Year!

Hero Texas A.G. Won’t Let Foreigns Sap & Impurify His Precious Voterly Fluids

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott doesn’t hold with having his state’s elections tampered with. He simply will not have it! And so, in a perfectly reasonable move that is not the least bit dickish or calculated to pander to constituents’ raging xenophobia, he has sent a strongly-worded letter to the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe, threatening to “prosecute any of its monitors who step within 100 feet of a Texas polling place on Election Day.” Needless to say, the OSCE had actually been invited to observe U.S. elections by the State Department, as part of a program that has been in existence since 2002. “If OSCE members want to learn more about our elections processes so they can improve their own democratic systems, we welcome the opportunity to discuss the measures Texas has implemented to protect the integrity of the elections,” Abbott wrote. “However, groups and individuals from outside the United States are not allowed to influence or interfere with the election process in Texas.” Read more on Hero Texas A.G. Won’t Let Foreigns Sap & Impurify His Precious Voterly Fluids…
  Faux Nooz

Megyn Kelly Simply Does Not Care For Those Black Helicopters Coming To Spy On Our Elections

Oh, Megyn Kelly! Don’t ever change, OK? Here is Megyn Kelly on Fox “News,” informing us that there may be an “extra set of eyes” on election day and those eyes may belong to the United Nations. Note the contempt with which she says “United Nations,” by the way, she might as well have been saying “the Muslim Brotherhood.” So anyway, yes! There MAY be an extra set of eyes! And they MAY belong to the United Nations! (They will probably belong to Jimmy Carter.) This is because “left-leaning civil rights groups,” aided by the Democrats, have called for U.N. election monitors because they SAY there are efforts to suppress the minority vote. Then she has a lady from True the Vote (which has been attempting to suppress the minority vote) offer the opinion that it’s “breathtaking,” the hypocrisy we’re seeing, just breathtaking, that they have gone to an INTERNATIONAL BODY that contains countries who have voter IDs! Can you believe that? Read more on Megyn Kelly Simply Does Not Care For Those Black Helicopters Coming To Spy On Our Elections…
  this is my sorry for 2004

Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?

Cartoon Romney sidekick Jennifer Rubin has determined, thanks to a Romney ad she saw, that Barack Obama did so apologize for America over and over and over again to the point that nobody is even sure if he was actually president or just some hip-hop artist obsessed with apologizing. What sorts of apologies did Barack Obama lodge on America’s unwilling behalf? (Was America raped with apology, giving birth to God-blessed Obamunism?) I will focus on two major apologies that have been deliberately and forcefully delivered by the president and/or top aides. The first is our handling of the war on terror. Liberals don’t even see that Obama’s excoriating his predecessor is apologizing for this nation, but of course it is. George W. Bush wasn’t acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States. Read more on Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?…
  some jokes are serious

Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death

Oh, man, Allen West gave us one helluva knee-slapper yesterday. The president addressed the United Nations, so logically West had to address Facebook. And he decided to give us a treat! Not only did he offer some commentary on the speech, but he also did a rip-roaring impression of himself that is such a good joke we only need to give it to you. Allen West’s proposed revision to Obama’s U.N. address: “The future does not belong to those who attack our Embassies and Consulates and kill our Ambassadors. The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.” Take THAT, diplomacy! Read more on Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death…
  Just Keep an Open Mind You Guys

Lubbock County Still Going on About the U.N. and Armed Insurrection

Here is the thing about tax increases: they are bad! No matter what! PERIOD END OF STORY. Except, of course, if they fund a paramilitary to create an insurrection and rebellion in the United States, in which case they are GOOD. An armed insurrection might come in handy down in Lubbock, Texas, if Obama reelected. Yes, in case you are wondering, certain people, and by certain people we mean these people from Lubbock and now these other people from a town in California, are still talking about this armed insurrection thing, including the part where the U.N. will be involved, because why wouldn’t the U.S. need help from the U.N. to put down an uprising in Lubbock, Texas? Read more on Lubbock County Still Going on About the U.N. and Armed Insurrection…
  texas justice

Texas Ignores U.N., Executes Mentally Challenged Man It Wanted Dead So, So Bad

Is there anything Texas likes more than killing people? Anything? Jesus, maybe, but he’s somehow their best excuse to do everything awful, including killing people, so let’s just say Texas likes killing people A LOT and get on with the facts of the case of Yokamon Hearn, who was unceremoniously put to sleep Wednesday over the objections of everybody who wasn’t currently in the act of killing him. Hearn is a 33-year-old guy who killed a Plano stock broker, and WOW did Texas want to make him dead. The main objection was that Hearn had mental deficiencies resulting from his mother drinking while she was pregnant. Texas ignored this because — and this is a real quote from a real prosecutor — it “would be a free pass for anyone whose parents drank.” You hear that, people with brain damage? Don’t go getting any ideas. (Especially in Georgia, also too.) Read more on Texas Ignores U.N., Executes Mentally Challenged Man It Wanted Dead So, So Bad…