Tag Archives: united nations

  Faux Nooz

Megyn Kelly Simply Does Not Care For Those Black Helicopters Coming To Spy On Our Elections

Oh, Megyn Kelly! Don’t ever change, OK? Here is Megyn Kelly on Fox “News,” informing us that there may be an “extra set of eyes” on election day and those eyes may belong to the United Nations. Note the contempt with which she says “United Nations,” by the way, she might as well have been saying “the Muslim Brotherhood.” So anyway, yes! There MAY be an extra set of eyes! And they MAY belong to the United Nations! (They will probably belong to Jimmy Carter.) This is because “left-leaning civil rights groups,” aided by the Democrats, have called for U.N. election monitors because they SAY there are efforts to suppress the minority vote. Then she has a lady from True the Vote (which has been attempting to suppress the minority vote) offer the opinion that it’s “breathtaking,” the hypocrisy we’re seeing, just breathtaking, that they have gone to an INTERNATIONAL BODY that contains countries who have voter IDs! Can you believe that? Read more on Megyn Kelly Simply Does Not Care For Those Black Helicopters Coming To Spy On Our Elections…
  this is my sorry for 2004

Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?

Cartoon Romney sidekick Jennifer Rubin has determined, thanks to a Romney ad she saw, that Barack Obama did so apologize for America over and over and over again to the point that nobody is even sure if he was actually president or just some hip-hop artist obsessed with apologizing. What sorts of apologies did Barack Obama lodge on America’s unwilling behalf? (Was America raped with apology, giving birth to God-blessed Obamunism?) I will focus on two major apologies that have been deliberately and forcefully delivered by the president and/or top aides. The first is our handling of the war on terror. Liberals don’t even see that Obama’s excoriating his predecessor is apologizing for this nation, but of course it is. George W. Bush wasn’t acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States. Read more on Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?…
  some jokes are serious

Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death

Oh, man, Allen West gave us one helluva knee-slapper yesterday. The president addressed the United Nations, so logically West had to address Facebook. And he decided to give us a treat! Not only did he offer some commentary on the speech, but he also did a rip-roaring impression of himself that is such a good joke we only need to give it to you. Allen West’s proposed revision to Obama’s U.N. address: “The future does not belong to those who attack our Embassies and Consulates and kill our Ambassadors. The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.” Take THAT, diplomacy! Read more on Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death…
  Just Keep an Open Mind You Guys

Lubbock County Still Going on About the U.N. and Armed Insurrection

Here is the thing about tax increases: they are bad! No matter what! PERIOD END OF STORY. Except, of course, if they fund a paramilitary to create an insurrection and rebellion in the United States, in which case they are GOOD. An armed insurrection might come in handy down in Lubbock, Texas, if Obama reelected. Yes, in case you are wondering, certain people, and by certain people we mean these people from Lubbock and now these other people from a town in California, are still talking about this armed insurrection thing, including the part where the U.N. will be involved, because why wouldn’t the U.S. need help from the U.N. to put down an uprising in Lubbock, Texas? Read more on Lubbock County Still Going on About the U.N. and Armed Insurrection…
  texas justice

Texas Ignores U.N., Executes Mentally Challenged Man It Wanted Dead So, So Bad

Is there anything Texas likes more than killing people? Anything? Jesus, maybe, but he’s somehow their best excuse to do everything awful, including killing people, so let’s just say Texas likes killing people A LOT and get on with the facts of the case of Yokamon Hearn, who was unceremoniously put to sleep Wednesday over the objections of everybody who wasn’t currently in the act of killing him. Hearn is a 33-year-old guy who killed a Plano stock broker, and WOW did Texas want to make him dead. The main objection was that Hearn had mental deficiencies resulting from his mother drinking while she was pregnant. Texas ignored this because — and this is a real quote from a real prosecutor — it “would be a free pass for anyone whose parents drank.” You hear that, people with brain damage? Don’t go getting any ideas. (Especially in Georgia, also too.) Read more on Texas Ignores U.N., Executes Mentally Challenged Man It Wanted Dead So, So Bad…
 

The United Nations Needs James Bond To Save The Day

The UN is not doing its job right, jobs are becoming more neurotic, and Chinese bureaucrats are apparently the James Bonds of the East. Plus, it’s my last day! Rio+20 is not doing well and it’s making the United Nations look bad because more people are dying from pollution and impure water than climate change. Yeah, yeah, the United Nations don’t need any help in looking bad. I mean, have you seen their Tumblr? Ours is far superior. [Slate] Read more on The United Nations Needs James Bond To Save The Day…
  how wonderful

Robert Mugabe, Beacon Of Hope, Appointed Tourism Ambassador By U.N.

Robert Mugabe, yes, that one, the continued monomaniacal leader and premier “land reformer” of Zimbabwe, has a new job! In addition to the old job! Because he is getting bored with reforming land and “winning” elections and having lots of friends do things for him with guns pointed at their heads and wads of worthless cash stuffed down their back pockets. It turns out the United Nations, not even your high school’s model United Nations team, but the real thing, has appointed Mugabe as a “leader for tourism” in the UN’s World Tourism Organization. Is this like when an alcoholic celebrity is asked to do community service? Also, Mugabe is under a travel ban, which makes this extra wonderful. Read more on Robert Mugabe, Beacon Of Hope, Appointed Tourism Ambassador By U.N….
  john bolton is so proud right now

Congratulations, Everyone: America Now A Country That Requires ‘UN Monitoring’ To Function

Contrary to what weekend marathons of “Lockup: RAW!” would have you believe, prison is not just a hep and happenin’ place to meet the future same-sex lover you will eventually abandon once your bid is up. It is, in fact, a rather unpleasant place to spend one’s time, scientician research has shown, especially when all of your time ends up being in solitary confinement for, oh, like decades at a stretch. In America, where “cruel and unusual punishment” is a cornerstone of our governing Articles of Confederation, solitary confinement is widely considered salutary for the small-c constitution. In other countries, though, whose Big-C Constitutions don’t even contain the phrase “cruel and unusual punishment,” indeterminate stretches of isolation from other life forms are frowned upon, on prissy humanitarian grounds. So now our more fragile and delicate indefinite detainees in California are actually begging non-Americans to come and save them from their countrymen. Wipe that tear from your eagle’s eye and join us after the jump. Read more on Congratulations, Everyone: America Now A Country That Requires ‘UN Monitoring’ To Function…
  paving paradise

Tennessee House Fights 20-Year-Old UN ‘Sustainability’ Plan, Because ‘Forced Abortion’

The Republican swath of the Tennessee House appears to have gotten an email chain letter from far-right crazy uncle the John Birch Society (desperate times), and the Tennessee House has heeded its call! Seems the New World Order managed to pass a truly insidious United Nations plan called Agenda 21 (it just sounds communist, wouldn’t you say?), and the Tennessee House aims to stop it! The point of Agenda 21, according to the U.N., is to support sustainable development: to “alleviate poverty and curb global warming,” as the Tennessean puts it. Tennessee House GOP translation: THESE TREE-HUGGIN BABY-HATIN COMMIE FOCKERS! Read more on Tennessee House Fights 20-Year-Old UN ‘Sustainability’ Plan, Because ‘Forced Abortion’…
  justice only exists in cartoons

Jackass NYPD Pigs Throw Protesters In Jail And Eat All Their Food

New York City cops arrested eight protesters dressed in Robin Hood garb during a joint OWS-World Aids Day march demanding a Financial Transaction Tax on Wall Street to help restore the $10 million in HIV/AIDS services funding that Michael “I eat ground up poor people for breakfast” Bloomberg cut last year, but it wasn’t the Robin Hoods who got to do any stealing! Supporters sent the protesters a couple large pizzas to tide them over in jail, which the greedy precinct officers of Nottingham promptly confiscated and gobbled up for themselves. As any four-year-old who has seen the Disney version of Robin Hood can tell you, that is not how the movie is supposed to go. Read more on Jackass NYPD Pigs Throw Protesters In Jail And Eat All Their Food…
  this guy again

Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue

Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at the UN headquarters. What kind of hot washed up action star voodoo did Chuck Norris have to visit on this statue to find this scandalous information? Did he roundhouse kick its sorry nuts off? Did he sodomize it with the Constitution? No! He just “looked at it.” BOO! Probably this is not even Chuck Norris, and just his pastor writing his rants again. Regardless, POLITICO for some unimaginably asinine reason decided to air his fever dreams in their op-ed space. Are they starting a comedy section? Read more on Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue…
  the master crazy at work

Glenn Beck: Wisconsin Unions Want a UN Caliphate, Or Something

OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck loves the nation-state so much. It is his favorite kind of world order. But according to his latest airtight theory, the United Nations, Wisconsin protestors, and Muslim Brotherhood are all in communication with each other about overthrowing the nature of international governance by making a single, Marxist, Islamist world government that respects human rights and freedom according to the resolutions of the UN. That may seem contradictory, but Glenn Beck is always right, so let’s listen to him. World politics sure does make for strange bedfellows, after all. In the minds of crazy people. Somebody’s going to be holding the Treaties of Westphalia close tonight! Read more on Glenn Beck: Wisconsin Unions Want a UN Caliphate, Or Something…
  oh great get the UN involved

UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion

Have you heard about the impending invasion of the Space Devils? Whether it’s another discovery of a new “earthlike” planet filled with thousand-foot-tall rape monsters or the latest MSNBC documentary about the night demons who arrive all the time in UFOs as foretold in the Bible, it seems we just can’t escape the fact that very soon now, the sky will be filled with gigantic “processing ships” where we’ll all be assaulted (sexually) around the clock for a hundred years (thanks to the aliens’ sophisticated Obamacare) and the beast-lords will stomp the Earth and chew the heads of our beloved children the way we eat entire CostCo crates of corn-syrup puffs each night when we settle down in front of the flat-screen. Anyway, the United Nations has decided this is just the kind of impossible, intractable problem that requires a special UN envoy. Read more on UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion…
  it's morning in america

‘Pledge To America’ Will Restore Our Glorious Post-9/11 Society Of Fear

Today House Republicans will unveil their new dumb list of terrible threats, a “Pledge to America.” What are these terrorists asking for, and how many bald eagles will they execute if their demands are unmet? Oh, they want to permanently extend Bush’s tax cuts for bazillionaires, cancel Stimulus spending, repeal Obamacare, and keep Gitmo open forever (you think Supermax can hold Obamacare? Are you really that naive?). Yeah, this is basically the End. [ABC News] Read more on ‘Pledge To America’ Will Restore Our Glorious Post-9/11 Society Of Fear… Read more on ‘Pledge To America’ Will Restore Our Glorious Post-9/11 Society Of Fear…
  original originalism

Certainly You Assumed Sharron Angle Likes The U.N., But You Were Wrong

Sharron Angle was forced to speak words yesterday, as she has yet to come up with the brilliant idea to have her campaign say she has a throat infection that makes her mute for the next few months. “The United Nations resides on our soil and costs us money. We are — I don’t see any place in the Constitution with those priorities about the United Nations. So when we start talking about cutting programs, 5-percent per year, I think the United Nations fits into that category, yes,” she said. How can we be members of the United Nations when the Constitution and Bible don’t even MENTION it? Read more on Certainly You Assumed Sharron Angle Likes The U.N., But You Were Wrong…
  four wheels good two wheels bad

Colorado GOP Gov. Candidate Saves America From U.N.-Bicycle Conspiracy

Dan Maes is in a tough spot! He’s running for the Republican gubernatorial nomination in Colorado against a known plagiarist, and if he wins the primary he’ll just have to take on Tom Tancredo and the awesomely named “Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper.” How do you set yourself apart in that sort of field? Hmm, “Declare that bike-sharing programs are part of a United Nations takeover plot”? Sure, that’ll do! Read more on Colorado GOP Gov. Candidate Saves America From U.N.-Bicycle Conspiracy…
  the oracle of tennessee

Basil Marceaux Is Your New, Even Better Ernest J. Pagels, Jr.

When our friend Ernest J. Pagels, Jr., dropped out of his race for Senate earlier this week, we didn’t know if we could ever love again. But you know what? The universe works in mysterious ways. It started with a simple e-mail subject line in our tips inbox: “It’s okay to laugh at the mentally impaired if they’re running for a public office, right?” Wonketters, you have a new 2010 election boyfriend. His name is Basil Marceaux, and he’s a Republican candidate for governor of Tennessee. Read more on Basil Marceaux Is Your New, Even Better Ernest J. Pagels, Jr….
  she ain't no human being

Elizabeth Windsor Returns To Scene Of Her 9/11 Crimes

Nobody educated denies that the 9/11 attacks were planned at the highest levels at Buckingham Palace. It’s well-known that the Teutonic clan that has run the once-great British nation ever since the bloodless coup of the “Hanoverian Succession” (with the Aryan bloodline reinforced by Queen Victoria’s marriage to a Germanic princeling) will stop at nothing to crush all enemies in its path, and if that means perpetrating murder and mayhem in a great city of a supposed ally, then so be it. The results — Western influence reinforced in former British colony Iraq, and Britain’s greatest defeat avenged in Afghanistan — no doubt caused sinister cackling throughout the whole rotten Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg dynasty. But who would have thought that Elizabeth Windsor, the head of this pack of murderers, would have the nerve to show up at Ground Zero, to gloat? Read more on Elizabeth Windsor Returns To Scene Of Her 9/11 Crimes…
  big gamble there

Orly Taitz Thinks UN Can/Will Protect Her

Queen Birther and international lawyer-dentist Orly Taitz has asked the United Nations Human Rights Council to protect her. We know that she is in hiding from other mean lawyers because she issued a press release, about how she is hiding. It comes under the name of “Dr. Jonathan Levy,” supposedly her lawyer, even though she is a lawyer. Neither of these people actually exist. [Washington Independent] Read more on Orly Taitz Thinks UN Can/Will Protect Her…
  daily briefing

Internet Star Barack Obama Talked About Twitter Like The Whole Time He Was Abroad

Obama told Chinese teenagers about the uncensored Internet, a mediocre collection of re-purposed AP articles and some videos that generally people only like when it’s not available.  [New York Times] Over at some United Nations summit, everyone bonded about how much they hate hunger but declined to throw any money at the problem. [AP] Read more on Internet Star Barack Obama Talked About Twitter Like The Whole Time He Was Abroad…
  daily briefing

At Least Everyone Can Agree It Will Be Nice To Have Football On At Bars Again!

Last night the Yankees baseball team won the competition that determines the best baseball team of all the other baseball teams! [New York Times] 600 UN staffers in Afghanistan will leave the country for a few weeks while the UN works to find them housing that will be harder to blow up. [Washington Post] Read more on At Least Everyone Can Agree It Will Be Nice To Have Football On At Bars Again!…
  jonah goldberg is also not a parody

Jonah Goldberg Discovers Funniest Story On Entire Internet

Ha ha ha ha ha hahha ahah, so good, but wait, where’s the… oh…OHHHH! The story itself is the punchline! And yet, what could the specific comedic mechanism be here? Maybe that it’s silly for the U.N. to do this when America is the richest and freest country in the world so obviously there couldn’t be any problems like this. DUH. More likely, though, Jonah just thinks the term “special rapporteur” is French and gay and made up. But it’s… the term they use? For these positions? Oh Jonah. One time he wrote a book about how American liberals are really Nazis! [The Corner via Gawker] Read more on Jonah Goldberg Discovers Funniest Story On Entire Internet…