Tag Archives: united nations

  Two-Hate Solution

Don’t Accuse Louie Gohmert Of Callin’ Obama A Terrorist, ‘Twas An Innocent Question

Is Louie Gohmert a Ferengi? We're only asking!
This one seems a little out there, even for the mighty mental power that is Texas congresstoad Louie Gohmert: In a floor speech in the House of Representatives, Gohmert wanted to ask — just ask, mind you — whether the president is not merely soft on terrorism, but an actual terrorist himself? After all, Gohmert has already established that, in the Middle East, Obama is always on the side of our enemies, whoever they are. Read more on Don’t Accuse Louie Gohmert Of Callin’ Obama A Terrorist, ‘Twas An Innocent Question…
  Somewhere Somehow Somebody Must Have Kicked You Around Some

Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers.

Everybody has to fight to be free, you see
Libertarian Superstar Rand Paul brought his trademark “Every issue must be discussed like a 2 AM bull session in the Objectivist Dorm” sensibilities to the issue of resettling Iraqi refugees, explaining that we don’t need to help those people, because for godssake, we won the war over there. Doesn’t anyone remember how we won that war? Read more on Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers….
  Stop laughing these idiots are really scared LOL

Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans

If you don't believe them, you've probably already been brainwashed.
If you are a fear-addled conspiracy theory-loving wingnut reading this, you already KNOW what we are about to say. Terrible demonic false flag Indo-Kenyan “President” Barack Obama is preparing AT THIS VERY MOMENT to impose martial law on Texas, which will probably be enforced by ISIS, who is currently hiding behind some brush just over yonder, on the Mexican banks of the Rio Grande. Shit yer pants and oil yer guns, y’all, it’s time for a revolution! Read more on Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans…
  Kochsplaining

Koch Brothers Explain Bible To Pope. Thanks, Koch Brothers!

He'll see reason OR ELSE
While most of the world is trying to figure out what to do about this whole climate change thing before it’s too late and we are all OOPS! dead, the concerned citizens at the completely objective Heartland Institute, which happens to be funded by the also very objective Koch brothers, are looking out for more important things, like teaching Pope Francis that God loves pollution: Read more on Koch Brothers Explain Bible To Pope. Thanks, Koch Brothers!…
  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  patriotism

Republicans Tire Of Telling Americans Obama Isn’t Really President, Decide To Inform The U.N. Instead

President In Name Only
So this is how the Republican Party is going to proceed until they finally repeal President Obama from the White House: The Obama administration’s plan for U.N. climate change talks encountered swift opposition after its release Tuesday, with Republican leaders warning other countries to “proceed with caution” in negotiations with Washington because any deal could be later undone. Tuesday’s announcement by the White House that it had submitted a plan to the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) to reduce carbon emissions, per an agreement made in November between President Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping, is the sort of thing that shouldn’t be controversial because reducing greenhouse gases benefits everyone — even Republicans! Read more on Republicans Tire Of Telling Americans Obama Isn’t Really President, Decide To Inform The U.N. Instead…
  South Florida Still Screwed

Oh Hey, The White House To Do Something On Climate Change! Tyranny, Etc., Impeach!

Now, about my disappearing habitat...
So here’s some breaking climate news that’s actually a step in the right direction. The Obama administration announced Tuesday that it has set an official target for reducing the amount of greenhouse gases we pump into the atmosphere, and has submitted that plan to the UN agency that coordinates the world’s carbon reduction efforts. So yay! We might save the planet and have fewer drowned polar bears, eventually. Read more on Oh Hey, The White House To Do Something On Climate Change! Tyranny, Etc., Impeach!…
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

Hillary Clinton, she’s this lady, you might have heard of her. Former senator and secretary of state, might be prezzy maybe, puts off liberals by being all centrist, puts off conservatives by having a vagina and a mouth at the same time. Read more on Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t…
  The Lone Nut State

Hero Texas State Senator Won’t Let UN Seize The Alamo For New World Order HQ

Gentlemen, I have a plan.
You might think that Texas state Sen. Donna Campbell sounds a bit goofy for introducing a bill to ban the United Nations from taking ownership of the Alamo, but we have a feeling she might actually just be really good at Strategic Idiocy. Campbell seems to be perfectly aware that there’s no UN plot to steal the Alamo from Texas and raise a blue flag over it, but by speaking fluent Texas Sovereign Crazy about the issue, she’s establishing her credibility with the John Birch Society wing of Texas conservatism, which is probably a sound strategy for re-election from her district. Read more on Hero Texas State Senator Won’t Let UN Seize The Alamo For New World Order HQ…
  The mansplaination of the unfairness of life

Bill O’Reilly Thinks Michelle Obama Is A Big Dumb Girl

Dumb ladies want fairness because dumb
First lady Michelle Obama sure asks a lot of dumb questions. When she addressed the United Nations Global Education First Initiative earlier this week, for example, she was all, “Do we truly value women as equals, or do we see them as merely second-class citizens?” and “Are we working to become more equal, more free?” These are stupid questions, obviously, because who ever said life is even supposed to be fair? That is just life, and it is unfair, but what’s so unfair about that? Read more on Bill O’Reilly Thinks Michelle Obama Is A Big Dumb Girl…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  fear of a wack planet

Iowa Senate Candidate Joni Ernst Will Castrate UN’s Evil ‘Agenda 21′ Plot To Make You Ride A Bicycle

Who could have predicted this? Joni Ernst, whose adorable PigBalls ad won her Iowa’s Republican nomination for Senate, is also afraid of the United Nations’ Agenda 21, which she is pretty sure is a global environmentalist plot to force everyone to live in cities and mingle with hippies. The Iowa Democratic Party released an ad featuring Ernst at a campaign event last November, explaining what Agenda 21 is all about: One of the implications to Americans, again, going back to what did it do to the individual family here in the state of Iowa, and what I’ve seen, the implications that it has here is moving people off of their agricultural land and consolidating them into city centers, and then telling them that you don’t have property rights anymore. These are all things that the UN is behind, and it’s bad for the United States and bad for families here in the state of Iowa.” Yes, that is pretty much a Victoria Jackson level of stupid conspiracy bullshit. She’s probably going to go all the way to Washington with that. Read more on Iowa Senate Candidate Joni Ernst Will Castrate UN’s Evil ‘Agenda 21′ Plot To Make You Ride A Bicycle…
  How To Pope

Excellent Socialist Pope Is Excellent, Socialist And Also Too Maybe Marxist

In the strictest search result for “socialism” sense of the word, Pope Francis is not a socialist because he has not (to our knowledge) ever argued for “[a] society in which major industries are owned and controlled by the government”. But the definition of “socialism” is changing. Socialism is now understood by a lot of people to mean “the government helping people, and sometimes taxes,” because that is how literally every conservative politician and commentator uses the word. So by that definition, Pope Francis’s message to a UN meeting in Rome was so, so socialist: “In the case of global political and economic organization, much more needs to be achieved, since an important part of humanity does not share in the benefits of progress and is in fact relegated to the status of second-class citizens,” Francis said. Read more on Excellent Socialist Pope Is Excellent, Socialist And Also Too Maybe Marxist…
  they won't give an inchon korea

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Fighting Godless Communism From Korea To The U.N.

If there’s anything that gets the editors of our textbooks for Christian homeschoolers exercised, it’s communism. And evolution. And deviations from fundamentalist Protestantism. And secular humanism. But especially communism (which is influenced by Darwinism and atheism). And so, it stands to reason that they have a fine old time with the Cold War. And as usual, our 8th-grade textbook, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 1994 & 2006), is the far more enthusiastic Cold Warrior; as we saw last week, Land I Love doesn’t describe the conflict merely as a geopolitical contest for influence between the USSR and the U.S./Western Europe, but as a fight between “the ideologies of Americanism and Communism.” Our text for 11th/12th grade, Bob Jones University Press’s United States History for Christian Schools (2001), is a lot less excitable, but still very firmly anticommunist. And of course, since humans are inherently sinful and real peace can only come from God, both books find efforts at cooling international tensions, like the United Nations, to be somewhere between naïve (U.S. History) and downright anti-American (Land I Love). Foolish hu-mans, thinking that “international cooperation” can accomplish anything! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Fighting Godless Communism From Korea To The U.N….
  triumph of the shrill

Victoria Jackson Just Says Yes To Running For Office, All Wonkette’s Fever Nightmare Dreams Come True

We knew it might happen. We hoped for the best. We had a campaign poster contest. And now we have the candidate. The Tennessean reports: Former “Saturday Night Live” cast member Victoria Jackson wants her next act to be as a Williamson County Commissioner. Jackson, who moved to Thompson’s Station last year, is petitioning as an independent to become a candidate for one of two District 2 commission seats, currently held by commissioners Betsy Hester and John Hancock. V-Jack, honey, we are behind you 3000 percent. And in your world, that’s a real number. Read more on Victoria Jackson Just Says Yes To Running For Office, All Wonkette’s Fever Nightmare Dreams Come True…
  and on the 8th day god said let there be derp

Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!

Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the ‘white’ back in White House? No, not the one what closes bridges because of petty political bickering — the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today’s trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching… wait for it… The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let’s sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster.  Read more on Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!…
  something something sovereignty

New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas

Here’s your Conspiracy Theory du jour: the Wingnuttosphere is buzzing with warnings that the United Nations is on the verge of taking over the Alamo, that sacred symbol of freedom and resistance to tyranny (especially Messicans and Obama) in San Antonio, Texas. From there, presumably, the UN will proceed to crush liberty, seize all the guns, and force every pickup owner to ride a pink bicycle while wearing a sissy little helmet with daisy stickers on it. Even worse, subversive elements within the city and federal governments are working behind the scenes to make it happen! You know it has to be a serious threat, because warnings about the coming takeover have been issued by the head of the San Antonio Tea Party and by Alex Jones’ Infowars website. If you can’t rely on them, who can you trust? Read more on New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas…
  Do Randroids Dream of Electric Sheeple?

Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously

Forget trying to make sense of Peggy Noonan on Syria. We’re sticking with Alex Jones. He may not be anchored in reality, but at least he’s clear about where he stands. Which is solidly in the Twilight Zone: Alex Jones said this week that an effort to avert a U.S. attack on Syria with diplomacy was actually a United Nations plot for the extinction of the human race, which would be replaced by “globalists” like President Barack Obama who would become cyborgs by using “life-extension technologies.” Well, yeah. It all kind of makes sense when you put it like that. Read more on Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously…
  international statesman

Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building

Former Arkansas governor, teevee talker, and maybe serious presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is doing That Thing He Does once again, throwing red meat to the right wing, probably to be followed by an appearance on the Daily Show where he impresses Jon Stewart with how nice and avuncular he is. But for now, the wingnut fantasies: On Saturday’s Fox & Friends, Huckabee said that the United Nations’ failure to condemn or authorize action against Syria was reason enough to play out a John Birch Society fantasy: “Let’s jackhammer the whole thing off, float it into the East River and be done with it,” Huckabee said We don’t quite get this rightwing fascination with tearing up the UN building and stomping on the pieces — or maybe if you’re John Bolton, just the top 10 stories — but sure, Huck, why not. Or maybe the UN should slide down a rusty razor into a vat of lemon juice. Or we should shoot it into space. Or cover it in honey and let fire ants crawl all over it, then cook the ants and the UN with a giant magnifying glass. Yeah, that’d be cool. Read more on Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building…
  american taliban

Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’

Remember how last week we all got a little teary-eyed at the courage of Malala Yousafzai, who survived being shot in the head last fall by extremists who don’t want Pakistani girls to go to school, and who addressed the United Nations last week and talked about the importance of education, and its power to defeat extremism? Pretty inspiring, huh? Well, as they say, you know who else found Malala inspiring? Chuck Norris. Action movie star, creationist, and content producer for the internet’s largest repository of idiot conspiracy theories, WND. Chuck Norris admires Malala for her stand for education. To her credit, Malala Yousafzai didn’t even cringe at the thought. Read more on Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’…
  global nice time

Malala Yousafzai Celebrates Her 16th Birthday at U.N., Makes Us Almost Not Cynical For A Little Bit

Life is rough sometimes, what with mancave workplaces and grading badly-written memos and even exploding foamy pig shit sometimes. But then people like Malala Yousafzai come along and make us feel grateful that the worst most of us have to deal with is reading terrible memos in a cube farm full of pig doots. Malala, as you recall, is the Pakistani girl who “was shot in the head on a school bus by Taliban gunmen because of her campaign for girls’ rights.” And you know what she did? She said FUCK YOU TALIBAN, I’M GONNA LIVE. And she did. And she recovered, because she is a fucking badass chick. And did she stop her campaign for girls’ rights? Hellz no. She took that fight to the FUCKING UNITED NATIONS today: Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl shot by the Taliban, has told the U.N. that books and pens scare extremists, as she urged education for all…. Speaking on her 16th birthday, Malala said efforts to silence her had failed…. The speech at the UN headquarters in New York was her first public address since last October’s incident in Pakistan’s north-western Swat valley. That’s how you celebrate a sweet 16th birthday. Since Malala is an epic global badass, let’s wonksplore what she is fighting for.  Read more on Malala Yousafzai Celebrates Her 16th Birthday at U.N., Makes Us Almost Not Cynical For A Little Bit…