Tag Archives: unemployment

  there can be only one

Scott Walker Addresses People Of Iowa? New Hampshire? Wait. Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin

Good evening, Des Moines!
It’s a new year, which means government executives all over the country are in the midst of self-congratulatory presentations of cherry-picked accomplishments and passive-aggressively reading lists of future demands. It’s mostly trite and zzzzzzzz but some of them are worth your attention. Well, our attention anyway. You should spend time with the people you love. Read more on Scott Walker Addresses People Of Iowa? New Hampshire? Wait. Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin…
  Here have some news n stuff

Rick Santorum: I’m Not Crazy, THEY’RE The Crazy Ones

Oh, Rick “Don’t Google Me, seriously, stop it, it’s not funny anymore!” Santorum, how we love thee. Santorum has the unique gift of standing out as one of the craziest Bible-humping crazies in a crowded field of serious contender crazies. Like, no matter how far to the right his fellow conservatives go, he goes even farther than that. He will throw up at the thought of John F. Kennedy. He will make his children hug the dead fetus. He will wish his Jew friends a Happy Jesus Christmas Chanukah for Jesus. He will go there and do that and then some. But, hey, when it comes to the presidential race in 2016, he wants you to know, he’s the serious one, unlike those other nuts. Seriously! Read more on Rick Santorum: I’m Not Crazy, THEY’RE The Crazy Ones…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts

The politically correct war on dorks continues
Welcome to Derp Update, your occasional feature where we purge our browsers of stories that didn’t quite merit a whole post, but were too remarkably stupid to ignore altogether. Fear that your brain cells may be harmed by exposure to toxic weirdness? Dilute! Dilute! Read more on Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts…
  don't call it a comeback

Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee

Scott Walker, locked in a tight race for his second term as governor of Wisconsin, wants his constituents to know he’s committed to their conservative Midwestern values. It’s all right there in his campaign’s new manifesto, “Continuing Wisconsin’s Comeback”: If you give him four more years, he promises to cut property taxes, celebrate deer hunting heritage, supervise manly red-hot iron pours, and relentlessly pursue the urine of the state’s unemployed. Read more on Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee…
  vinegarcoating the good news

Fox News Pretty Sure This Strong Jobs Report Proves Barack Obama Is Terrible

So, hey, some pretty good employment news today: The June jobs report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that the economy added 288,000 jobs in June, and the unemployment rate dropped from 6.3% in May to 6.1% last month. That’s the lowest unemployment rate since September 2008. So, hooray for Our Economy, unless of course you’re Fox News, in which case you really need to make it look terrible. Read more on Fox News Pretty Sure This Strong Jobs Report Proves Barack Obama Is Terrible…
  stfu tucker carlson

Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors

Tucker Carlson, who plays a human being on Fox’s Outnumbered, explained the connection between obesity and poverty Wednesday, pointing out that poor people are only fat because the government keeps giving them food, and that there’s no such thing as a fat rich person. Who is this man who is so wise in the ways of science? Perhaps he can explain how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. Read more on Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors…
  please do not stimulate the turtle

Surprise, Mitch McConnell Taking Credit For Jobs Created By Stimulus He Hates

Not that anyone will be knocked over with this particular feather, but let’s give a little cheer to Mitch McConnell for this bit of chootspah: “Five years later, the stimulus is no success to celebrate,” said the embattled Republican to the Associated Press, “It is a tragedy to lament.”* Of course, that tragic spending halted and reversed the economy’s slide toward another Great Depression, but since it didn’t immediately result in everyone getting rich, that detail can be ignored and we can write a nice obituary for Keynesian economics, and while we’re at it maybe elect Mitt Romney because he would have let GM go bankrupt. Heck, maybe he could still do it, yay! Also, too, Obamacare is a very bad thing because the government has no business interfering in your healthcare, except maybe when Mitch McConnell wants to run an ad calling attention to a helpful government health program he helped pass in the ’90s, because it helps people. Read more on Surprise, Mitch McConnell Taking Credit For Jobs Created By Stimulus He Hates…
  whatever dude

New Pope Under Impression Jesus Wasn’t Even A Stockbroker

New Pope continued his socialist rabble rousing today with the release of his Lenten Message, which, like the music of Sex Bob-Omb, will make you think about death and get sad and stuff. Except with redemption and resurrection, too, and you don’t have to fight anyone’s seven evil exes. And he’s still doing that economic justice thing that he’s so big on, although when you read through the whole thing, there is a surprising amount of Jesus stuff in there too. Read more on New Pope Under Impression Jesus Wasn’t Even A Stockbroker…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day

Greetings, mis pequeños Wonquitos! Hope you’re up for another exciting trip to the Purgatory of Ideas that is the comments queue! Our first unsuccessfully attempted comment was a reaction from “Katherine,” who was quite displeased with our failure to recognize our intellectual betters, particularly the Big Thoughts of Ben Shapiro: Ben Shapiro is more intelligent than all of you put together. He knows his stuff, and all you do is spit out vitriol garbage. Your views are filled with mindless emotion, and his are filled with intelligence and evidence. “Vitriolic,” dear. Yes, it is true, we are driven by mindless emotions, like thinking that people should be able to feed their families, and that the stimulative effect of unemployment insurance is good for the economy. But Ben Shapiro, he is one smart fella, and he felt smart. Read more on Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day…
  the intersection of failure and more failure

Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not

Well what do you know. Looks like our Kenyan Savior and Guiding Star Of Socialism Barack Mao Tsebama has been up to no good. Or at least, his minions have been snookering and hoodwinking us by manipulating the data. According to the New York Post, the Census Bureau was cooking the books on the monthly jobs data in the months leading up to the election, allegedly making the unemployment numbers seem better than they actually were! But fear not! Congress shall investimigate this latest SCANDAL, and that means only one thing: Rep. Darrell Issa is on the case. And this time, he decided to bring that goalie from the Mighty Ducks film, Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX), to help share the blame when all this turns out to be a big pile of nothingness. Which, of course it inevitably will be, because Issa is a terrible person who is also very incompetent at his job.  Read more on Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not…
  start your drinking now

Uh Oh, Peggy Noonan Has Thoughts On ‘Work’

Today is Friday and for our sins the Good Lord hath seen fit to deliver unto us further maundering from the pen of Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan, blessed servant of the Order of Thorazine and Gin. Let us gaze upon her works together, so that we might make of ourselves better repositories for her Wisdom. Two small points on an end-of-summer weekend. One is connected to Labor Day and the meaning of work. It grows out of an observation Mike Huckabee made on his Fox show a few weeks ago. He said that we see joblessness as an economic fact, we talk about the financial implications of widespread high unemployment, and that isn’t wrong but it misses the central point. Joblessness is a personal crisis because work is a spiritual event. One paragraph in and she’s already quoting Mike Huckabee calling work a spiritual event. This is going to suck. Read more on Uh Oh, Peggy Noonan Has Thoughts On ‘Work’…
  seether

Watch Paul Ryan’s Wife Janna Stop Herself From Tearing Unemployed Guy’s Throat Out With Her Teeth

Here is a rather whiny guy (Millennial, obvs) who simply will not leave Paul Ryan alone, when all Paul Ryan is trying to do is mind his own business and walk in a Memorial Day parade or something and not talk to him about his silly old “can’t get a job” problem! He is WALKING HERE!!! The whiny Millennial is all like “So what should I do, work for a dollar an hour like in China?” which is an excellent point considering His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney was exposed today talking about how China is “better” for business than America, which we will presumably write about when Kris E. Benson wakes up. So Paul Ryan does what Paul Ryan always does, and brushes him off with an offer of candy. (We bet the homeless fellow that Paul Ryan did not punch in the face would have liked some candy, but he got the gift of twice-washed dishes instead.) That is all well and good and exactly what you would expect from Paul Ryan. We are more interested in Paul Ryan’s seething wife, Janna, who seems to be an Egg in the making! Read more on Watch Paul Ryan’s Wife Janna Stop Herself From Tearing Unemployed Guy’s Throat Out With Her Teeth…
  penetrating analysis

Rick Sanchez On How Romney Can Win Tonight’s Debate: Explain Jobs More Better

When we last heard from World’s Dumbest Anchorman Rick Sanchez, he had gotten fired from CNN for blowing the lid off of the global Jewish conspiracy and so had nothing better to do than to do some light content aggregation on HuffPo and pay some poor publicist to send out email blasts about it. Since then he has managed to snag a job or at least the password to some blogging software and now his deep thoughts appear on “Fox News Latino,” which is a real website that exists. How can Mitt Romney defeat Obama in tonight’s debate, Rick Sanchez? Easy! Just explain, in simple terms, how Mitt Romney will create jobs, for everybody. Why hasn’t Mitt done this? It’s almost as if it would be very complicated to explain and/or he doesn’t actually know how! Read more on Rick Sanchez On How Romney Can Win Tonight’s Debate: Explain Jobs More Better…
  lies damn lies and fox news

Poor Fox & Friends Forced To Retract Easily Disprovable Lie

Yesterday, Media Matters had a very enjoyable little item in which they caught Steve and Gretchen and probably the rapey one just cold comparing apples to steaming piles of elephant shit, as regards the growth in unemployment under President B. Bamz. In fact — you will be just shocked to learn — “real” unemployment had grown by .5 percent rather than, oh, DOUBLING. Read more on Poor Fox & Friends Forced To Retract Easily Disprovable Lie…
  supply and demand

New York Times Infotainer: Taking Away Unemployment Insurance Will Make You Look All the More Harder For Those Jobs That Don’t Exist

Oh look, the Paper of Record has employed another typist to explain about bootstraps and whatnot, and give us the cold hard truth about why we are all losers who do not have jobs. Is it because of structural unemployment, or maybe something to do with robots? Ha! Ha! Ha! Of course not, says New York Time Infotainer Casey B. Mulligan, it is because of all of you Poors who collect unemployment, which somehow prevents jobs from materializing out of thin air and offering themselves to you at low wages that would increase or maintain employer profits. DUH. See, this is why we do not type at you from the New York Times’ “Economix” section: it requires the ability to defend trickle-down economics over and over again in spite of overwhelming evidence that it does not work. But we digress! Now we will discuss this horrible supply-sider who writes about trickle-down fairy dust for that liberal rag, the New York Times. Read more on New York Times Infotainer: Taking Away Unemployment Insurance Will Make You Look All the More Harder For Those Jobs That Don’t Exist…
  Spoiled Brats

In Which A Fox News Host Argues That Crushing Youth Unemployment Is ‘The Best Thing to Happen to Them’

Here is Andrea Tantaros, one of the however-many hosts of Fox News’ The Five, showing a chart of the historically horrid unemployment rates for the 18-24 year old demographic and proceeding to make one of those savvy counterintuitive arguments that earn her the big bucks: “I’ve argued once that maybe the economic downturn was the best thing to happen to them because then they weren’t… so… everybody gets a trophy; maybe they had to go back home and work at the Quizno’s and the Blockbuster and learn the value of a dollar.” Read more on In Which A Fox News Host Argues That Crushing Youth Unemployment Is ‘The Best Thing to Happen to Them’…
  the pain in spain

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: Austerity’s A Bitch And Then You Die

(Pittsburgh) A few days ago I was in Rome, now I’m in Pittsburgh. My serotonin level is in freefall. No, Pittsburgh’s nice, really! The frutti di mare is good here. It’s the jet lag and the hemorrhoidal bonfire in my ass that make me want to die. And my VISA bill. I asked an emaciated 70-year-old Pittsburghian taxi driver, Troy, whether the city was doing okay. He said that the unemployment rate was 7%, a point lower than the US average, that they never had a housing bubble here, and that manufacturing jobs have been gone for so long that nobody even remembers them. Pittsburgh is the Germany of America! Contrast that with Spain where the unemployment rate is 24.6% and the rate for under-25s is––holy-crap––53%. We had a situation like that once. They called it the Great Depression and it left a whole generation of Americans so damaged that they have a nervous breakdown every time they have to leave a tip. Eso es desagradable, Jack! Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: Austerity’s A Bitch And Then You Die…
  everything's better with layoffs

Quirky Wall Street Journal Says Firing Government Workers May Lead To Higher Unemployment!

We are sorry, but we do not know what has gotten into the formerly sensible Wall Street Journal. Just listen to this Communist nonsense! One reason the unemployment rate may have remained persistently high: The sharp cuts in state and local government spending in the wake of the 2008 financial crisis, and the layoffs those cuts wrought. We are not buying it, Wall Street Journal! Everybody knows government jobs come at the expense of private-industry jobs, and that is why Mitt Romney said we should learn the lesson of Wisconsin and have fewer teachers before saying it was “absurd” that anyone would say he said we should have fewer teachers! Read more on Quirky Wall Street Journal Says Firing Government Workers May Lead To Higher Unemployment!…
  never missed a meal

Maine Gov. Paul LePage To Unemployed Shiftless Slobs: Get Off The Couch

Maine Gov. Paul LePage looks like Chris Christie, sounds like Harvey Fierstein, and speaks the words fed him by Grover Norquist, and that is a winning combination if we have ever seen/heard one! He is ready to “starve the beast,” and he has some Tough Talk for all you unemployed Cadillac queens who are sucking the state of Maine dry. Hey, Mainers, stop “picking up the tab” for these losers’ “free lunch”! But is Maine Gov. Paul LePage a compassionate man? Indeed, he is! “I am compassionate and committed to our children, our elderly, and our disabled,” he told the Maine Republican Convention, “but to all able-bodied people out there, get off the couch and get yourself a job!” [WILD APPLAUSE] Maine Gov. Paul LePage, it seems, is running for Vice President! That is so exciting for him! Read more on Maine Gov. Paul LePage To Unemployed Shiftless Slobs: Get Off The Couch…
  tappin Koch

No Unemployment Moolah For Minnesota GOP Staffer Canned For Laying Senator

ST. PAUL, Minn. Michael Brodkorb is an unemployed worker who is carrying a heavy burden like so many others during these challenging economic times. After losing his job, he filed for unemployment. Every day he waited at the mailbox, hoping this would be the day he could turn his lights back on. Then it happened. An envelope from the state arrived! It was about his unemployment. His claim was rejected. Is Minnesota unfairly rejecting hard working Americans’ right to benefits? Is this typical ‘you forgot to cross a ‘t’ bullshit? Or could it be the former Republican Senate staffer proudly announced was plowing his former boss Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch? The answer is still a mystery, but details are to come and come hard. Read more on No Unemployment Moolah For Minnesota GOP Staffer Canned For Laying Senator…
  for a good cause

Guy Auctions Himself Off to Embarrass Romney in Public

A man named Ron D. of Loudon, Tennessee recently put up an auction on eBay that offered his services to anyone looking to embarrass Mitt Romney (FREE SHIPPING). The blonde-dreadlocked man is currently underemployed, delivering pizzas, so he could use some money. He doesn’t really have any past dealings with Romney; he just isn’t a fan (“I wouldn’t vote for him if he was running for whorehouse pooper mopper”). He’s making himself available to any campaign or super PAC or other entity that needs him (though, why buy Ron when you can embarrass Romney for free?), and says the exact terms of the agreement aren’t fixed. “The possibilities are endless,” he says. “As long as it isn’t against the law, I’ll do or say whatever you want until someone comes and drags me away. And it will take a few of them. I’m a biggun.” Read more on Guy Auctions Himself Off to Embarrass Romney in Public…