Tag Archives: twitter

  Nobody Fucks With The Jesus

Neil deGrasse Tyson Trolls Christmas

In an undated file photo, Neil deGrasse Tyson gives the Wookiee salute popularized by Dr. Spock
Science nerd and general troublemaker Neil deGrasse Tyson ruined Christmas by tweeting mean things about the holiest day of all holy days: Why does Neil deGrasse Tyson hate children and try to make them sad? Needless to say, some parts of the Internet were Not Pleased: Read more on Neil deGrasse Tyson Trolls Christmas…
  Shouting 'Molotov!' Not Recommended

Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!

Wut?
The Israel Defense Forces’ official Twitter account brings us this festive holiday image to celebrate the miracle of a Skylark hand-launched surveillance drone staying aloft for eight hours, when it only had enough battery charge for an hour: Read more on Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!…
  Dicktember Surprise

New York Pol: Hackers Made Me Follow That Porn Star On Twitter! HACKERS!!!

We were in a hurry, but you can still photoshop the sex toy of your choice in there.
Here’s a Dicktember item for your Likely Explanations bin: A county official in New York knows exactly why he’s “following” a porn star on his Twitter account: He was hacked! Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone, a Democrat, explained to the New York Post that nefarious hacker activity was the only possible reason his Twitter account shows him following porn actress Belle Knox’s twitter stream (link NSFW if you look around for a while. Message: we care). Read more on New York Pol: Hackers Made Me Follow That Porn Star On Twitter! HACKERS!!!…
  Somewhere Out There Katherine Harris Is Salivating

Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run

He's just so dreamy
In a Christmas present for America, former Florida Gov. Jeb “The Smart One. No Really” Bush announced Tuesday that he will “actively explore the possibility” of a presidential run, because his country needs him a whole lot. Taking to the traditional platform for such announcements, Twitter and Facebook — late-night talk shows are so over — the passionate nonentity said that the topic just sort of naturally came up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, as is the norm in American families: Read more on Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run…
  Rectally Infused Excuses

CIA Chief: Torture Is Bad, We Shouldn’t Do It, Now Please Shut Up About It

It's an art, apparently
CIA Director John Brennan held a press conference today to respond to the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture during the Bush administration, and he gave a very clear message: The CIA is good, torture is bad, it’s hard to say whether torture led to useful intelligence, but it definitely helped find Osama bin Ladin, and it was a long time ago so can we please just look to the future please? Read more on CIA Chief: Torture Is Bad, We Shouldn’t Do It, Now Please Shut Up About It…
  MittWatch '16

Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again

Mitt Romney's advisers try to talk the candidate into another run after his crushing 2012 loss.
Business Insider has yet another entry in the ongoing saga that is MittWatch ’16. Another “member” of the “inner circle” of that cock tease the Duke of Salt Lake, Willard Mitochondria Phlegmatic Hustings Coffeepot Romney XII, leaks that the Rombot met this past week in New York with “key financial backers” of his past losing campaigns. Which means he is probably definitely likely running for president again in 2016. Or he’s a rich retired guy jetting around the country to enjoy the perks of being a rich retired guy, like watching a New York Jets game from the owner’s skybox at the team’s stadium. Which, considering it’s the Jets and the stadium is in New Jersey, doesn’t sound to us like a perk. It sounds like one of Dante’s more minor circles. Read more on Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again…
  Today In Why Bill Kristol Is A Idiot

Bill Kristol Has Learned The Real Lesson Of Ferguson

Someone help him, please
Ever since Bill Kristol got himself a Twitter account, we’ve been enjoying his condensed doses of S-M-R-T. Like that time he admitted he’s kind of stupid, or his wish that Richard Nixon would come back and save us. But now, having waded a bit into the technological ocean, Bill Kristol is ready to suggest some bold new initiatives to use tech — like maybe to fight crime! Read more on Bill Kristol Has Learned The Real Lesson Of Ferguson…
  too soon?

Where Is Nixon Now That Bill Kristol Needs Him?

After hearing for years and years that President Obama and all of his faux “scandals” — IRSgate, Benghazigate, BeingBlackgate — are worse than Watergate, the Gate-iest Gate of all — this sad plea from Perpetually Wrong Bill Kristol is a heck of a thing: Read more on Where Is Nixon Now That Bill Kristol Needs Him?…
  Obama Also To Blame For Terrible Hairdo

Donald Trump So Mad Obama Ruined America For Black People

This time he means it!
Photo by Gage Skidmore Donald Trump is a YOOOGE expert on many things — in fact, all the things — but one of all the things about which he knows more than anyone else is how President Obama turned our post-racial United States of Color-blind America into a cesspool of racial divide and hatred. Read more on Donald Trump So Mad Obama Ruined America For Black People…
  Two-Fisted Tales

Darren Wilson Pretty Sure Mike Brown Had Mutant Supervillain Powers

Just to clarify: Hulk not supervillian. Hulk just misunderstood
After months of no information at all, and a grand jury process where the prosecuting attorney put on the best possible defense of Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson, we finally got a document dump of all the testimony presented to the grand jury and had a chance to see, for the first time, Darren Wilson’s own testimony of what happened. And what happened was that he was attacked by a mutant supervillian. Read more on Darren Wilson Pretty Sure Mike Brown Had Mutant Supervillain Powers…
  Laugh While You Can

Let’s Pretend This Caption Contest Winner Is The Only Announcement Everyone’s Waiting On

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! (for breakfast?)
We had a little caption contest last week, and we went and prepped the winners to run this afternoon, but it almost seems like you’re all… distracted, for some reason. Can’t imagine why! But since we have it, we will run it, because for godssake we could use something other than Impending Ferguson Doom this afternoon, we hope. Read more on Let’s Pretend This Caption Contest Winner Is The Only Announcement Everyone’s Waiting On…
  Accuracy In Slut Shaming

Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake

Maybe you should try video game design...
So Thursday on the Twittersphere, some pro-choice ladies had a big internet event, telling their own stories of having had abortions, with the goal of reducing the stigma of talking about a legal medical procedure that one in three women have had. The 1 in 3 Campaign featured a hundred people telling their stories and tweeting about them. Read more on Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake…
  It's Not Because He's Fat It's Because He Eats Babies

What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?

Chris Christie, he’s a hell of a nice guy, no matter what that goldurned New York Times Magazine says. (They called him masterful and a winner, basically, in many many many words that we did not read all of, because author Mark Leibovich was basically jacking off on the page, and it made us feel icky in our icky place.) Read more on What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?…
  Rules Were Made To Be Broken

Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?

No, honey, the rats are just playing a little rough.
You guys are not going to believe this, but CNN broke a story, and it’s got everything — political malfeasance, coded tweets, Karl Rove! It’s a story that once again reinforces how crappy Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reasoning in Citizens United was, and like most of Yr Wonket’s favorite stories, it appears to have come to light only because one group of professional ratfuckers decided to tattle to the press about another group of professional ratfuckers. First, let’s go over the facts as they’re being presented by CNN’s Chris Moody. Read more on Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts

The politically correct war on dorks continues
Welcome to Derp Update, your occasional feature where we purge our browsers of stories that didn’t quite merit a whole post, but were too remarkably stupid to ignore altogether. Fear that your brain cells may be harmed by exposure to toxic weirdness? Dilute! Dilute! Read more on Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts…
  Tweet O'The Day

Bill Kristol Finally Admits He’s Stupid

Who you callin' stupid?
Folks, we really honestly genuinely and truly did not think we would live to see this day. Sure, we have called Bill Kristol stupid many times. Many many times. All the times. We’re aiming for the world record on that, really. Read more on Bill Kristol Finally Admits He’s Stupid…
  That's Not What We Meme At All

Texas Congresstwit: Study Of Internet Spam Is Secret Obama Plot To Silence Conservatives

Some people say...
It must be difficult to live in a world where dark conspiracies are always seeking to destroy America and crush freedom. And lord knows, Our Government has certainly done some seriously nasty stuff! The thing is — and we’re only telling you this because we think you can handle it — not everything the government does is aimed at stifling dissent! No, really! Read more on Texas Congresstwit: Study Of Internet Spam Is Secret Obama Plot To Silence Conservatives…
  #ReadyForGraham

Lindsey Graham Turns Other Cheek, Will Not Seek Bloody, Stabby, Murdery ‘Revenge’

Aw, he's so nice
We have been so sexcited ever since South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham teased that he just might have to run for president in 2016 so all the rich white men who belong to men-only clubs will finally have their own president for the first time ever. And since Graham won re-election on Tuesday night — narrowly beating “Petitioning candidate” Thomas Ravenel, Libertarian Victor Kocher, and the Democratic sacrificial lamb Brad Hutto with a mere 54.58 percent of the vote — not to mention his universal popularity throughout the country, his road to the White House is all but assured. Plus, he is just so darned gracious in victory: Read more on Lindsey Graham Turns Other Cheek, Will Not Seek Bloody, Stabby, Murdery ‘Revenge’…
  Sweet Dreams And Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground

Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now

Burnin' out his fuse up there alone
An unmanned Antares rocket exploded seconds after liftoff from a facility in Virginia yesterday, with the total loss of a payload of food, water, and scientific experiments bound for the International Space Station. It was pretty spectacular: Read more on Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now…
  Bikini Kill

Stupid Swimsuit Model Does Not Respect The Gun, Should Probably Die

Over a Barrel
On Wednesday, you may recall, there was some gunplay in Canada, which was terrible and wrong because the shooting was done by a bad guy with a gun, who was then stopped by a good guy — actually a pretty awesome guy – with a gun. And people wrote all kinds of things about it on the Twitterbox, as one does. Unfortunately, one of the people who went and had an opinion about it was swimsuit model person Chrissy Teigen, who wrote the most OUTRAGEOUSLY INSANE thing about guns ever: Read more on Stupid Swimsuit Model Does Not Respect The Gun, Should Probably Die…