Tag Archives: twitter

  If you're so silenced why can we still hear you?

Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Calls Obama ‘Ghetto.’ From Jail.

D'Asshole
So there is this guy, Dinesh D’Souza, and he is a wingnut “writer” and “filmmaker” and philanderer and felon. And while he is sitting in his pretend prison halfway house for wayward wingnut felons — instead of being locked up in actual prison, where he belongs, for making illegal contributions in violation of federal campaign finance laws, which he pleaded guilty to, yet somehow insists he did nothing wrong, HUH — he is passing the time by tweeting really nuanced observations about President Obama. Read more on Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Calls Obama ‘Ghetto.’ From Jail….
  Thanks a lot DICK

Twitter Sucks, Says Twitter

Official Dick of Twitter
Are you a person who writes words on the interwebs for fun and/or profit? Do you make jokes and do hashtags on The Twitters? If so, this SHOCKING! revelation from Twitter CEO Dick Costolo is not going to SHOCK! you so much as make you go, “Uh yeah, DICK, we know.” Read more on Twitter Sucks, Says Twitter…
  A News Corpse Publication

Classy Australian Obituary Calls ‘Thorn Birds’ Author Fat, Ugly, National Treasure

Hot priest sex!
So here’s a tip for obituary writers: If you’re writing a big piece on one of your country’s most famous writers, and it’s going to run under the headline “A TRUE NATIONAL TREASURE,” you just might not want to lead off your remembrance by calling said author a plain-looking fatty: Read more on Classy Australian Obituary Calls ‘Thorn Birds’ Author Fat, Ugly, National Treasure…
  Mah Raghts!

Gun Nuts Just Want Mom’s Address To Say Howdy, Probably

More evidence that open carry is in the Napoleon-in-Russia phase of its campaign for gun rights most people never asked for and don’t want: a now-deleted tweet from prominent Texas open carry nut and alleged airline pilot Eric Reed: How’s that month-old frozen horse meat tasting today, Eric? (Astute readers may recognize one Robert J. “Raging Rob” Kinnison in the reply. He’s the guy who likes to tell people to put dicks in their mouths and shut up.) Read more on Gun Nuts Just Want Mom’s Address To Say Howdy, Probably…
  Take that haters

Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!

He's got his eye on you now, NYP
Fact: Donald Trump gave the very bestest speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit over the weekend. How do we know that’s true? Because Donald Trump says so, duh, even though the New York Post is spreading vicious lies, which we know are vicious lies because Donald Trump said so about that too: Read more on Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!…
  The Wonder Years

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour
Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry. But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet. And thus was born the #breadbags hashtag: Read more on Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags…
  If Only Obama Would Lead Part LXVIII

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy

Our eyes will be on Old Handsome Joe. We hear Obama's going to talk, too.
Bland centrist Ron Fournier, who seems to aspire to be David Broder without all the edginess, has graced us with some standards for judging Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight. Needless to say, he thinks the Republican takeover of the Senate presents America with a beautiful opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to “begin governing together” like good boys and girls — if only Obama doesn’t poison everything by trying to enact his agenda. Fournier tut-tuts: Read more on Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy…
  Buy One Get One Free At Last Free At Last

Martin Luther King Dreamed That One Day All Rightwingers Would Claim Him As Their Own

Just cut that out, will you?
It’s Martin Luther King Day (his actual birthday was last Thursday), which means it’s time for that weird annual ritual where people who oppose almost everything he stood for in life claim that King is absolutely, positively one of their greatest heroes, and that were he here today, he’d surely support their libertarian, small-government, guns-everywhere, fuck-the-poor, end affirmative action, America for Americans, pass Voter ID, and Freedom For All God’s Corporate Children agendas. After all, Martin Luther King once gave a speech at the Lincoln Memorial, which consisted of a single line about how he dreamed that one day people would be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character, and then he sat down, having said all there was to say on the matter. Read more on Martin Luther King Dreamed That One Day All Rightwingers Would Claim Him As Their Own…
  Are You Afraid Enough? Please Be More Afraid

America Turns To Wingnuts For Comfort, Wisdom On Paris Attacks

Nous ne sommes pas étonnés
So it looks like the search for the murderers of 12 people at the Paris offices of Charlie Hebdo has come to its bloody end, with all the terrorists dead and four hostages killed in an attack on a kosher supermarket in Paris. As usual in these situations (and can we all just pause for a moment and be horrified that we know what’s “usual” in a terrorist attack?), a lot of the details are still not yet certain. But while we’re still learning the details, it’s definitely not too soon to move to the vital important next phase: explaining how the events in Paris fit into American culture-war politics, especially the all-important question of What To Do About All The Muslims. Read more on America Turns To Wingnuts For Comfort, Wisdom On Paris Attacks…
  its a gas gas gas

Michele Bachmann Gave You Your $2 Gas. You’re Welcome, America!

romised and Delivered!
Retiring Congressdipshit Michele Bachmann has been doing a peculiar version of the Minnesota Long Goodbye, except instead of the usual arrangement, where a host follows a departing guest out to the car asking if they’re really sure they don’t want to take a little hot dish home with them, Ms. Bachmann has it a little backwards. Having given a farewell speech and received a loving farewell tongue-bath from WND, and packed up the U-Haul with all her Furry paraphernalia, she now keeps coming back from her idling getaway car to knock on the door and ask us if maybe we’d like to make her another pot of coffee and look at slides from her trip to Bemidji all night. Read more on Michele Bachmann Gave You Your $2 Gas. You’re Welcome, America!…
  99 Problems And A patriarchy Ain't One

How Are The Feminists Keeping Men From Getting Laid Today?

Guess he taught that cuni a lesson.
Nothing like kicking off 2015 with a few stories about how bad men have it in today’s modern feminist-dominated world, where men are on the verge of being ruined by all these radical feminists running loose and running everything, but still not doing sex to the Men’s Rights Activists for some reason. Read more on How Are The Feminists Keeping Men From Getting Laid Today?…
  One Angry Dwarf

Chuck C. Johnson In Middle Of Sexy Drowned Stewardess Hitler Fantasia

It may have been a holiday weekend, but the news never stops — and neither does sleazy reporting remora Chuck C. Johnson, who can always find a way to say something surreally horrifying about almost anything. Consider that missing AirAsia flight, for instance, which led Mr. Johnson to think with his Johnson: Read more on Chuck C. Johnson In Middle Of Sexy Drowned Stewardess Hitler Fantasia…
  Add Your Own Woman Driver Joke

Saudi Arabia Sends Women to Terror Court for Driving While Female

Image via YouTube Saudi Arabia has a problem. No matter how many times their powerful religious authorities warn about the dangers posed by females engaging in the act of driving, those crazy ladies keep getting behind the wheel! It’s not even a big deal that authorities refuse to issue drivers’ licenses to women, since they can get their male relatives to accompany them everywhere, which is just as good as controlling their own lives, and never mind that Saudi Arabia doesn’t have an actual law that says only men can drive. That’s just the way it is, OK? Read more on Saudi Arabia Sends Women to Terror Court for Driving While Female…
  Do They Even Know It's Kwanzaa?

Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement

Barack and Obama Michelle Obama have released their Annual Perfunctory Message for Kwanzaa: A “celebration highlighting the rich African American heritage and culture”? Why not just release Michelle’s “Whitey” tape while you’re at it, Barry? Read more on Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement…
  Nobody Fucks With The Jesus

Neil deGrasse Tyson Trolls Christmas

In an undated file photo, Neil deGrasse Tyson gives the Wookiee salute popularized by Dr. Spock
Science nerd and general troublemaker Neil deGrasse Tyson ruined Christmas by tweeting mean things about the holiest day of all holy days: Why does Neil deGrasse Tyson hate children and try to make them sad? Needless to say, some parts of the Internet were Not Pleased: Read more on Neil deGrasse Tyson Trolls Christmas…
  Shouting 'Molotov!' Not Recommended

Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!

Wut?
The Israel Defense Forces’ official Twitter account brings us this festive holiday image to celebrate the miracle of a Skylark hand-launched surveillance drone staying aloft for eight hours, when it only had enough battery charge for an hour: Read more on Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!…
  Dicktember Surprise

New York Pol: Hackers Made Me Follow That Porn Star On Twitter! HACKERS!!!

We were in a hurry, but you can still photoshop the sex toy of your choice in there.
Here’s a Dicktember item for your Likely Explanations bin: A county official in New York knows exactly why he’s “following” a porn star on his Twitter account: He was hacked! Suffolk County Executive Steve Bellone, a Democrat, explained to the New York Post that nefarious hacker activity was the only possible reason his Twitter account shows him following porn actress Belle Knox’s twitter stream (link NSFW if you look around for a while. Message: we care). Read more on New York Pol: Hackers Made Me Follow That Porn Star On Twitter! HACKERS!!!…
  Somewhere Out There Katherine Harris Is Salivating

Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run

He's just so dreamy
In a Christmas present for America, former Florida Gov. Jeb “The Smart One. No Really” Bush announced Tuesday that he will “actively explore the possibility” of a presidential run, because his country needs him a whole lot. Taking to the traditional platform for such announcements, Twitter and Facebook — late-night talk shows are so over — the passionate nonentity said that the topic just sort of naturally came up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, as is the norm in American families: Read more on Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run…
  Rectally Infused Excuses

CIA Chief: Torture Is Bad, We Shouldn’t Do It, Now Please Shut Up About It

It's an art, apparently
CIA Director John Brennan held a press conference today to respond to the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture during the Bush administration, and he gave a very clear message: The CIA is good, torture is bad, it’s hard to say whether torture led to useful intelligence, but it definitely helped find Osama bin Ladin, and it was a long time ago so can we please just look to the future please? Read more on CIA Chief: Torture Is Bad, We Shouldn’t Do It, Now Please Shut Up About It…
  MittWatch '16

Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again

Mitt Romney's advisers try to talk the candidate into another run after his crushing 2012 loss.
Business Insider has yet another entry in the ongoing saga that is MittWatch ’16. Another “member” of the “inner circle” of that cock tease the Duke of Salt Lake, Willard Mitochondria Phlegmatic Hustings Coffeepot Romney XII, leaks that the Rombot met this past week in New York with “key financial backers” of his past losing campaigns. Which means he is probably definitely likely running for president again in 2016. Or he’s a rich retired guy jetting around the country to enjoy the perks of being a rich retired guy, like watching a New York Jets game from the owner’s skybox at the team’s stadium. Which, considering it’s the Jets and the stadium is in New Jersey, doesn’t sound to us like a perk. It sounds like one of Dante’s more minor circles. Read more on Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again…
  Today In Why Bill Kristol Is A Idiot

Bill Kristol Has Learned The Real Lesson Of Ferguson

Someone help him, please
Ever since Bill Kristol got himself a Twitter account, we’ve been enjoying his condensed doses of S-M-R-T. Like that time he admitted he’s kind of stupid, or his wish that Richard Nixon would come back and save us. But now, having waded a bit into the technological ocean, Bill Kristol is ready to suggest some bold new initiatives to use tech — like maybe to fight crime! Read more on Bill Kristol Has Learned The Real Lesson Of Ferguson…