Tag Archives: twitter

  Here a Hitler there a Hitler

Verified Jew Person Sarah Silverman Is Biggest Hitler Since Barack Obama

Not what she said exactly but whatever!
So many Hitlers in the news this week, so little time! Barack Obama is doing Hitler stuff by making a deal with Iran to try to keep them from getting a bomb, which is very different from Republicans’ request of can we please just bomb that Muzzie country what scares us so much, and probably set off World War Three in doing so? Either you’re down with that plan or you’re totally Hitler. And now Sarah Silverman, a Twitter-verified Jewish, is one-upping Obama’s Hitler-ness by saying that Planned Parenthood is okay and doesn’t actually sell baby parts, even though it’s obvious that it sells so many baby parts. Coming soon to a mall near you! The Planned Parenthood Baby Parts Store! Right between Claire’s and Wet Seal!  (They do not sell baby parts, and if you believe that you are a fucking dumbshit.) Read more on Verified Jew Person Sarah Silverman Is Biggest Hitler Since Barack Obama…
  Let's gossip about the week's stop stories

A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten

Ooh look a kitten.
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking “ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk” and we hate to break it to you, but it’s not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we’re not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom. Read more on A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten…
  He seemed nice

Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!

Just another member of the Lone Wolf Freedom Shooty Brigade Of Lone Wolves
If the online footprint of the Lafayette shooter identified by police as John Russell Houser, who killed two and injured nine others during a Thursday night showing of Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck before then killing himself, is any indication, Obama has really outdone himself in the false flag department this time. What did Houser hate? Pretty much everything that’s good and decent. What did he love? The Tea Party (at least enough to have an account, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, on the Tea Party Nation website), white supremacy, and also, too, Hitler. Let’s have a look-see, starting with a Twitter account bearing Houser’s name, and with only two tweets: Read more on Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!…
  Oh yeah? YOU'RE Pontius Pilate!

Sen. Tom Cotton Appalled How John Kerry Went To Iran To Crucify Jesus

I look like A Expert.
Wee young Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas, who seems to be under the impression he is president of both U.S. America and Iran, is making opinions with his mouth again. Because see, Barack Obama and John Kerry went to Iran and said, “Hey, would you like to bomb Israel and the United States, because you are Iran and you have started so many wars in the past few decades, unlike the United States and Israel, nations that are fainting flowers, too shy to start wars?” And Iran said, “Can you stop crippling our nation with sanctions and let us save a little face here, if we promise not to make nuclear bombs?” And Obama and Kerry replied, “Only if you promise to do nuclear war to everyone,” and a deal was made. At least that’s the wingnut version of it, we think, because they are very stupid, scared people. Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Appalled How John Kerry Went To Iran To Crucify Jesus…
  U go gurl

Donald Trump Would Agree Lindsey Graham Smashing His Phone To Sounds Of Vivaldi Is CLASSY

Macho macho man
Remember yesterday, when Donald Trump decided to do the weirdest campaign speech in the history of weird campaign speeches, by talking about how Lindsey Graham is even stupider than dumb Rick Perry, which is saying a lot, and regaled the crowd with a story about how Graham begged him one time to give him money and say nice things about him on the “Fox & Friends” program? And then he gave out Graham’s cell phone number and told everybody to prank call it? Of course you remember, it was yesterday! Later in the day, Graham tweeted that he was probably going to have to get a new phone and we were like LOL does he not understand how phone numbers work? Read more on Donald Trump Would Agree Lindsey Graham Smashing His Phone To Sounds Of Vivaldi Is CLASSY…
  Aw nuts

Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina

Here's your gender card right here
Senate Majority Leader In Name Only Mitch McConnell (R-Literally A Tortoise) is not a big fan of the ladies. Oh, sure, he’ll pretend he is, when he is running for re-election. He will try to make with the sweet pillow talk, all like, “Heyyyyyyyyyy ladies, I support the Violence Against Women Act, because you shouldn’t smack your bitch up,” but then he’ll vote against it because he thinks it is OK to smack your bitch up if she’s a lesbian bitch with brown skin. He’s that kind of feminist. You know, the kind that is bad at feminisming. Read more on Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina…
  The kids on Twitter call this "doxxing"

Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall

CALL ME MAYBE
Donald Trump, Wonkette takes it all back. You are the best Republican candidate probably since Abraham Lincoln, who wouldn’t have had to deal with that pesky Civil War if he had just gotten the Messicans to build a YOOOOOOGE wall around the traitor states and posted signs everywhere that said “Camp Moron.” Speaking to voters in Lindsey Graham’s South Carolina, Trump thought it would be a good idea to say all kinds of bad words about Sen. Graham, and then give out his personal cell phone number, in case anybody in the audience was looking for a good sexxxy time with the Senator or something. Trump was mad because Graham called him a “jackass,” which is just mean. Read more on Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall…
  READ A BOOK!

National Review Calls Bernie Sanders A Nazi, For The LOLs

It's actually a Hugo Chavez mustache. Shut up, he did too have one like that.
The National Review’s Kevin D. Williamson is pretty annoyed that anyone thinks he called Bernie Sanders a Nazi, because the word “Nazi” appears nowhere in his article where he explains that Bernie Sanders is totally a national socialist. And it’s true! That word never appears! If you’re too stupid and intellectually lazy to recognize nuance and read the whole article, that is not Kevin D. Williamson’s fault. Read more on National Review Calls Bernie Sanders A Nazi, For The LOLs…
  Little Man Syndrome

Ben Shapiro Files Charges Against Transgender Lady For Making Him Look Like Total Pussy

Ben Shapiro getting his wimp ass owned by a girl.
You may have seen this SHOCK VIDEO rolling around the internets the past couple days, of Breitbart’s never-nude pussy Ben Shapiro arguing with transgender journalist Zoey Tur on the “Dr. Drew On Call” program. It’s a long video, not worth your time, but Shapiro was doing his typical little pissypants bigot thing, talking about how Caitlyn Jenner and Zoey Tur (sitting right next to him) are just men in dresses, referring to her as “sir,” and finally Tur let her anger get the best of her for a second, grabbed Shapiro on his little bitch neck and said, “You cut that out now, or you’ll go home in an ambulance.” NOT NICE! Also, too, Shapiro can’t defend himself, clearly, even though his dad probably gave him that whole talk about “if a bully hits you, you hit them back, son!” Read more on Ben Shapiro Files Charges Against Transgender Lady For Making Him Look Like Total Pussy…
  Nice time (though not for Donald Trump)

Nine Mean Names Elizabeth Warren Should Call Donald Trump

Most accurate Trump image yet
Elizabeth Warren, she is the best, we love her. But Donald Trump, he is also the best, in a very different kind of way, and we love him too, for very different reasons. (Because of the crazy things he says, with his face, that are awful terrible THE WORST, and Republicans love him for it, and he is leading in the GOP primary field, and please oh please pretty please can he be the Republican presidential nominee, PLEASE? We will say our prayers and drink our little wine and eat our little crackers to make it so.) Read more on Nine Mean Names Elizabeth Warren Should Call Donald Trump…
  This Was A Real Nice Klanbake

KKK And Black People Celebrate Post-Racial Harmony, With Their Fists

Ghostbusters? Now there's some heritage we can respect
As promised, on Saturday, the Loyal White Knights Who Say “Ni” of the Ku Klux Klan traveled from North Carolina to Columbia, South Carolina, to hold their Great Big Sadfest over the removal of the Confederate flag from the Statehouse grounds. As it happened — one of those little coinicidences, we guess — the 50 or so Klansmen, who showed up without their robes were at the Capitol near the end of a nearby “Countering the Attack on Black Unity Rally” that had started before the Klan’s little hatefest. The Black Unity rally was organized by “Black Lawyers for Justice and Black Educators for Justice, a Florida organization with links to the New Black Panther Party,” according to MSNBC, and while the two groups were separated by barriers, they were still within megaphone distance of each other. Some of the counter-protesters managed to grab a Klansman’s precious Confederate flag and rip it to pieces, and although at least one fistfight broke out, there were no serious injuries. Read more on KKK And Black People Celebrate Post-Racial Harmony, With Their Fists…
  Yes we are entertained

John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear

Not a good day to be John McCain
Did you hear the one about how Donald Trump thinks John McCain is a L-O-S-E-R for getting captured and held as a prisoner of war that one time, in the Nam, for five and a half years? Of course you did, because we, along with the rest of the entire US of A, can’t stop talking about it. Read more on John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear…
  Cantaloupe calves

Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King

Olé!
What comes to mind when you think of Iowa Rep. Steve King? Racist? Wingnut? Asshole? Dumb as a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks? Well you are wrong, because the only thing that should come into your mind when you hear the name “Steve King” is “Most Likely To Be So Mexican,” because that’s what’s true: Read more on Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King…
  'Heartbreaking' Is Bad Now?

Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?

Four people were murdered, and another three injured, at two military sites in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on Thursday, by a man identified by the FBI as Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez. The FBI cautioned that “it would be premature to speculate on the motives of the shooter at this time,” but come ON, just look at that name, would ya? What more do you need to know? Read more on Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?…
  Bow down bitches

Caitlyn Jenner Is Not Afraid Of You And She Will Beat Your Ass, Backwards, In Heels

Bow down bitches
Wednesday night, Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs, and for any activist out there worried about things like “oh, she’s white and rich and privileged and a Republican blah blah blah, who’s going to tell the REAL STORIES?!?!” (looking at you, TWITTER), we think those worries are unfounded. She KILLED IT. She looked stunning in Versace, whether you think she favors Jessica Lange or a healthier Janice Dickinson. And she was very clear about the fact that she understands that with her huge platform comes even huger responsibilities. Read more on Caitlyn Jenner Is Not Afraid Of You And She Will Beat Your Ass, Backwards, In Heels…