Tag Archives: twitter

  Peas

Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole

Not in guac you don't.
Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested that, this 4th Of July weekend, we ought to all be putting PEAS in our guacamole. Read this blasphemous poppycock: Read more on Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole…
  What's Next? Lube Subsidies?

Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron

The gay Nazis are coming for all your moneys!
We’re guessing this one has only a thin hope of joining ACORN and Jade Helm 15 in the Great Big Catalogue of Rightwing Fears, but let’s document the specimen just in case it manages to thrive. Over at Gateway Pundit, Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor thinks he may have found evidence of a leftist/media (same thing) plan to start demanding reparations for past discrimination against gays, as carefully documented by a guy who heard a thing from a “national reporter.” It only makes sense, because look how much success The Blacks have had at winning reparations for slavery and Jim Crow! Read more on Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron…
  Twitter rant forthcoming

Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob

Unemployed.
  Sad news for all of you Donald Trump-lovers. (Those exist, we think?) The purging of Donald Trump is no longer limited to mean Spanish-speaking teevee types. After Univision decided it would no longer be airing Miss Universe pageants owned by men who call Mexican immigrants drug-criming rapists, Trump reacted with all the maturity and grace we’ve come to expect, threatening to sue the network and banning Univision employees from one of his gauche resorts in Miami. Well, we guess we should get ready for another rage-sharting Twitter rant from Trump, because NBC done fired his ass: Read more on Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob…
  So. Many. Idiots.

How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The spanking, it stung, YAY!
The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever — they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much — to saying nothing at all because they’re too busy crying, apparently. Read more on How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage…
  After we stopped crying we started giggling

Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America

HELP, JESUS!
When news broke that the Supreme Court had forcibly crammed gay marriage down the throatholes of every God-fearing American, our first instinct (AFTER CRYING) was go check Bryan Fischer’s Twitter-Twatter page. And he had said nothing! “WAKE UP, BRYAN FISCHER!,” we said to no one in particular, but apparently we successfully summoned the demon, because HOLY SHIT Y’ALL, he is having a meltdown of the most beautiful, epic proportions. Let’s point and laugh as Bryan Fischer explains how gay jihadists have just done a whole new 9/11 to America: Read more on Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America…
  Hide Your Kids Hide Your Wife

Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!

That's it, moving to Canada.
Ehrmagerd, the Surperm Curt upheard Abummacurr! This was not met on the right with universal approbation, although many Republicans were quietly breathing a sigh of relief that they won’t have to reveal that their ready-to-implement fix was really just a copy of the 1996 Houston Yellow Pages that they’d been lugging around in a briefcase. Read more on Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!…
  NO FAIR!

Fox News Race Experts So Mad Obama Allowed To Use N-Word And They Aren’t

Steve Doocy asked his black friends, so it's okay.
In the aftermath of the Charleston shootings, many people are grasping for answers and trying to have a discussion about enduring racism in the United States and what can be done about it. Wingnuts at Fox News are currently Doing Their Part, by whining about how it’s NO FAIR that President Obama gets to say “nigger” and they don’t, because that’s not racial transcendence! Obama appeared on Marc Maron’s “WTF” podcast, and attempted to have a grown-up conversation about the state of racism today: Read more on Fox News Race Experts So Mad Obama Allowed To Use N-Word And They Aren’t…
  counting down the weekly top stories

And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Beautiful souls, each and every one.
Well, Wonkers, it was a sad week, as we, and the nation, became transfixed on the gruesome murders that took the lives of 9 people attending a Bible study at a historic black church in Charleston, South Carolina. And wouldn’t you know it, even amidst such rage and sadness, wingnuts still managed to fuck it up more, by saying some of the grossest things imaginable. And surprise, some of those posts made this week’s top ten! Read more on And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole

This is what Donald Trump looks like when he's about to Say A Smart.
Hurray, Donald Trump has finally given America Donald Trump what America Donald Trump has always wanted, by running for president of the United Trumps States of Trump America. Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president, we figured why don’t we all sit around the fireplace (probably built by Donald Trump) and tell some funny stories about the dumbest things Trump has ever said, kinda like we would do if he was dead. Let’s go! Read more on Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole…
  Give until it hurts.

It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Nothing cuter in the world than the newborn baby burrito. NOTHING.
WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY. Hey, did you hear Wonkette had a baby? As you read this, Ms. Donna Rose, daughter of yr Editrix Rebecca and her dashing pixel husband Shy, is on her third full day of being a fully formed, bee-yootiful babby, and her Wonkette uncles and aunt could not be more excited. Read more on It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  No ho diddly for you!

Nevada’s Bunny Ranch: Stay Away From Our Nice Hooker Sex Ladies, Josh Duggar!

Nope, Josh Duggar can't have those either.
It’s funny how nobody wants Josh Duggar around anymore, all because a couple police reports, probably concoctions of the lamestream media, say he molested four of his sisters and a babysitter back in the day. The latest place Duggar is persona non grata is the very famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch outside Carson City, Nevada, which has issued a press release saying SORRY JOSH, but your diddle-fingers are just TOO GROSS for our ladies of the night. Read more on Nevada’s Bunny Ranch: Stay Away From Our Nice Hooker Sex Ladies, Josh Duggar!…
  So long farewell aufwiedersehen fuck off

Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead

Don't get your old dick caught in the door on the way out.
The day you all feared would come is nigh, Wonkers: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as CEO of 21st Century Fox and giving the company to his son James, though he will reportedly still be executive chairman of the enterprise and, according to CNBC, will likely “still have the final say on whatever goes on at Fox.” WE KNOW, dry your eyes. So many questions! Will Roger Ailes still have a job? Will Fox News continue to suck so hard? (The answers are “probably” and “definitely.”) Read more on Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten

Tryin' hard to come up with some more easy questions.
HEY WONKETARIAT, we hope this weekly Top Ten post finds you rested and not too hungover. It’s time for us to look at all the stories that made you laugh and cry and whatever other emotions you feel in response to Wonkette posts, you’re very unpredictable. Guess what? That Duggar story is still going on, but we are happy to report that only HALF of the top ten posts this week are Duggar-related. Read more on Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup

This story has Bearing Arms AND Baring Arms in it!
Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens is a man named Adam Horine, but for some strange reason he did not actually want to come here at all: Read more on Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup…
  temper tantrums

Donald Trump Sharts In Rage At Mean Fox News Bully Charles Krauthammer

Stop bein' such a meanie or he'll CRY.
Donald Trump is a Very Serious Presidential Candidate, and he is pissed right off that nobody on planet Earth seems to understand this. Wednesday, he was bitching and moaning about how the Obama administration doesn’t even want to hear his completely serious, brilliant plan for defeating ISIS. When Greta van Susteren asked him why he wouldn’t share his plan with the world, he said, “Because I don’t want to, GRETA!” He has to keep it a secret for when he’s totally elected president in 2016. Stop laughing, it’s not funny! Read more on Donald Trump Sharts In Rage At Mean Fox News Bully Charles Krauthammer…
  this story has a happy ending

High School Principal Will Not Have Graduation Sullied With Gay Valedictorian, No Siree!

All the best people are named Evan.
So here is a story that happened, about an asshole high school principal in Longmont, Colorado, who couldn’t bear to let this year’s class valedictorian — that means “the best student in the class,” FYI — deliver his speech, because the kid wanted to use the speech to come out as gay. The kid’s name is Evan Young, he’s graduating with a 4.5 GPA, and he’s headed to Rutgers on a scholarship. Sounds like a REAL BAD SEED, we’re glad the principal was able to get him under control: Read more on High School Principal Will Not Have Graduation Sullied With Gay Valedictorian, No Siree!…
  Send Lawyers Guns And Money. Mostly Money

Arizona Muslim-Hater Needs $10 Million To Save His Family, Mean GoFundMe Won’t Let Him Have It

Poor bastard can't even afford a shirt
Great American Patriot Jon Ritzheimer has had a wonderful and terrible week. He’s the nice fellow with the “Fuck Islam!” t-shirt who organized that big “Free Speech (and Hate Islam) Rally” at the Islamic Community Center of Phoenix last Friday, where armed idiots showed up to exercise their sacred right to be dicks, and to prove that Islam is very scary. Happily, the rally came off without anyone getting shot, thanks to a huge police presence. Oh, but Mr. Ritzheimer is now in fear for his life, because some idiots on Twitter threatened him, and now he needs to go into hiding to save his family, so would you all please donate to his GoFundMe? He figures $10 million should be enough to tide him over. Read more on Arizona Muslim-Hater Needs $10 Million To Save His Family, Mean GoFundMe Won’t Let Him Have It…
  But no camps!

Texas Happy To Let Obama Invade With FEMA Now Please

Don't fall for it, Texas! Drowning is better than federal tyranny!
Here’s President Barack Obama explaining Tuesday that he’s ready to direct federal aid to Texas, which has suffered deadly flooding since the weekend, with more rain and flash flooding on the way. At least 31 people have died in storms that have hit Oklahoma, Texas, and Mexico, and 13 people are still missing. Strangely, almost nobody in Texas is refusing the offer of federal aid, with the possible exception of keyboard warriors like “Liberty Prime,” whose comment on the YouTube video above is simply “Us texans don’t want you here obama!!!!” Read more on Texas Happy To Let Obama Invade With FEMA Now Please…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

No Duggars Were Harmed In The Writing Of This Post. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Yep, still gross.
Happy Memorial Day, gentle readers! We usually do the sexy, exciting Top Ten Stories Of The Week post on Sundays, but it is a holiday, which means it is still the weekend, hurray! Now, usually your top ten most favoritest stories cover a range of topics, but this week, SPOILER ALERT, it’s Duggar-Thirty and you’ve got an appointment. By this point, you probably already know that Josh Duggar, adult son of Jim Bob and Michelle, has a history of kid-touching. But there were very many angles to that story, and yr Wonkette explored them all! Read more on No Duggars Were Harmed In The Writing Of This Post. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  let's challenge her to a rap battle

Ann Romney May Be In A Gang, Hide Your Kids! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
WELL HELLO THERE, Wonketariat! It is Sunday, which means it’s time for us to go to brunch and also gossip with you about the week’s top stories, but before we get to that, we feel compelled to quickly discuss the picture above, which Ann Romney, wife of Mitt, shared on the Twitter after her husband’s charity boxing match with Evander Holyfield. Is Ann Romney in a gang now? PROBABLY, because she is so street. She told the Twitter that she was very excited to be part of “Mitt’s posse.” Anybody who coughs up a video of Romney (husband OR wife) twerking wins an “Obamaphone.” Read more on Ann Romney May Be In A Gang, Hide Your Kids! Your Weekly Top Ten….