Tag Archives: twitchy

  Won't Someone Please Think Of The HOA?

Wingnuts Outraged Teen In Bikini Forced Hero Cop To Smack Her Around Some

She probably doesn't like crosseyed pegasi in the pool either.
The National Conversation On The Pool Party Gone Awry in McKinney, Texas, took a familiar turn after the first full day of media exposure. Yr Wonkette was astonished to see that on Sunday, even the nine full-time staffers of Twitchy initially condemned the McKinney police officer, now identified as Cpl. Eric Casebolt, for manhandling a 15-year-old girl in a swimsuit. But by Monday night, they had rejoined their readers in worrying about how All The Blacks are blowing this out of proportion, with a scary story warning that the Nation of Islam and the New Black Panthers were joining the growing protests. And thus was order restored to the WingnuttoSphere. Read more on Wingnuts Outraged Teen In Bikini Forced Hero Cop To Smack Her Around Some…
  wingnut slapfight

Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites

GRRRR HOMOS GRRRR
Bryan Fischer’s butthole is in an extra-twitchy state (not the Michelle Malkin kind of twitchy; or wait, come to think of it, yes the Malkin kind), as he is feeling BETRAYED! You see, one of the wingnut websites he likes, Townhall.com, has a known homosexual in its midst, by the name of Guy Benson, political editor. And Benson is a dirty homo, as he reveals in a new book out this week. Let your freak flag fly, Fischer: Read more on Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites…
  Unfair!

Michelle Malkin Outraged: Twitter Jailing Conservatives Like They Are Japanese-Americans

Our thoughts exactly
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT TWITCHY! The liberal-biased interwebs are putting conservatives in Twitter jail, maybe (or maybe not) but probably (but probably not), just for being conservatives, OH NOES! Michelle Malkin, conservative keyboard-banging hero and founder of the the site with NINE PAID STAFFERS (or, ugh, maybe even more by now) who collect random tweets, mostly by Pat Sajak, and call it “the news wire of the 21st century,” is on to you, Twitter! Read more on Michelle Malkin Outraged: Twitter Jailing Conservatives Like They Are Japanese-Americans…
  it was supposed to be a white wedding anyway

Tyrant Obama Makes War On Army Heroes’ Christmas Wedding

Looks terrible. Such a sad day for them.
Talk about a double bogie! Over the weekend, two Army captains who were scheduled to get married at the 16th tee of the Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course in Hawaii had to move the wedding at the last minute because President Golfing McTyrant wanted to play a round. INPEACH!!11!! etc. and so forth. Read more on Tyrant Obama Makes War On Army Heroes’ Christmas Wedding…
  Hide the children

Obama Will Indoctrinate Your Kids With Non-Biblical Computer Programming

What terrible things is President Obama doing to the children — what are our future — this week? Encouraging them to learn how to do science-y things with computers, which we can all agree is terrible because if God wanted us to know how to use computers, he would have written the Constitution in biblical code. Read more on Obama Will Indoctrinate Your Kids With Non-Biblical Computer Programming…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Musicians Dishonor Troops, Make The Baby Jesus Bald Eagle Cry

Damn dirty longhairs
Did everyone catch the terrible Concert for Valor to honor our military veterans last night? We say it was terrible because some of the musicians took it upon themselves to dishonor the troops, the flag, the bald eagle, Mom, apple pie, baseball and Michael Bay movies. What was the offense committed by known communists Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl and Zac Brown? They covered Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” a known “anti-war anthem.” Outrage! A slap in the face! Read more on Musicians Dishonor Troops, Make The Baby Jesus Bald Eagle Cry…
  All Praise Carbon Dioxide!

Wingnuts Peeing Themselves In Hilarity Over Climate Change March, ‘Science’

That game kind of got into my head a few years back
New York City hosted a big Climate Change protest on Sunday, and that’s cool and all, because raising awareness and solidarity and all that. There were hippies and signs and moms with kids in strollers and probably big protest puppets, we bet, because we’re pretty sure those are required by Saul Alinsky. The march was held to draw attention to the United Nations Climate Summit beginning tomorrow, and in terms of concrete change, sure, it didn’t make the problem go away, and wingnuts all had a fine time calling the participants terrible hypocrites if they got to New York by any means other than a bicycle — and if they rode bicycles, then wingnuts mocked them for those silly spandex pants. Read more on Wingnuts Peeing Themselves In Hilarity Over Climate Change March, ‘Science’…
  Does this racism look racist to you?

Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That

Great question, if you're A Idiot
Today is the funeral of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager shot to death by Officer Darren Wilson. For people made of actual human being parts, this is a sad and solemn affair. However, in wingnut world, where Officer Wilson is some kind of hero and Brown (a black man) had it comin’ (because black man) what with being a thug (aka black man) hopped up on reefer (like a black man) and also too black (BLACK MAN!!!), it is A OUTRAGE! Read more on Today Is Michael Brown’s Funeral So Of Course Wingnuts Are Pissed About That…
  Why Haven't We Bombed Iran Yet?

Very Sane Reactions To The Murder Of James Foley By The Coward Barack Obama

You've all seen the other pic
American photojournalist James Foley was beheaded Tuesday by the group calling itself The Islamic State (or “ISIS, ISIL — whatever you want to call these guys,” in Lindsey Graham’s memorable phrase). The FBI has announced that it believes that a graphic video of the execution is authentic. In addition to the beheading, the video shows another American journalist, Steven Joel Sotloff, whom the video’s narrator threatened to kill as well if President Obama does not cease airstrikes against the group. Read more on Very Sane Reactions To The Murder Of James Foley By The Coward Barack Obama…
  Baby It's Warm Outside

Mean Jimmy Carter Calls Climate Deniers ‘Nutcases,’ Ruining Chances Of Amicable Compromise

If gloabal warming is real, why did he wear a sweater???
Former President and solar water heater aficionado Jimmy Carter went to Aspen, Colorado, this week to accept a lifetime achievement award at the “American Renewable Energy Day summit.” (If he flew there in an airplane, be sure to call him a hypocrite.) There he said people who deny global warming are “nutcases,” prompting howls of outrage on the Right, we figure — they’re always howling and outraged, after all. Oh, yes, just checked Twitchy, and all nine of the fulltime staff were indeed very, very sad at the unfortunate tone taken by the former President. Read more on Mean Jimmy Carter Calls Climate Deniers ‘Nutcases,’ Ruining Chances Of Amicable Compromise…
  birth of a catchphrase

CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged

You know, besides pointing and laughing
A special bouquet of greenhouse flowers goes to CNN anchor Bill Weir for the perfect reply to climate change deniers, please. You see, Weir was not terribly impressed with this Fox Nation story (aggregated from the Washington Times) that mocked Al Gore for attending a climate change meeting in Denver on a chilly, rainy day, because if it’s rainy and cold during the summer, then climate change is a myth, right? Read more on CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged…
  Oh SNAP we burnt ourselves

Twitchy Very Sorry For Calling Pelosi ‘Jew-Hating Bitch,’ Meant To Quote Someone Saying It

We here at Yr Wonkette know we are not Very Serious Journalists, nor do we try to be, because (a) we enjoy telling jokes, which you sometimes even enjoy reading, thank you very much, try the veal and tip your waitress; (b) we have never helped a president lead the country into a bullshit war with our Very Serious Journamalisming, only to print an itty-bitty apology years later that “oops, our bad, we kind of got that all wrong”; (c) we’d much rather let the serious types do the hard work, which we can then quote and make fun of — but with links, because we are not assholes or PLAGIARISTS, and we have no problem attributing our sources because that is basic interweb etiquette. Read more on Twitchy Very Sorry For Calling Pelosi ‘Jew-Hating Bitch,’ Meant To Quote Someone Saying It…
  Fore More Years!

A Children’s Treasury Of Perfectly Sane Responses To Obama’s Lost Golf Ball

Golf is dumb
Barack Obama: golfing President, or golfing TYRANT!? That’s the hot question from the Top Conservatives on Twitter today, after Instagram user larrydoh found one of Obama’s errant shots in the woods at Congressional Country Club and then ‘grammed it for the world to see. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Perfectly Sane Responses To Obama’s Lost Golf Ball…
  twit fits

A Children’s Treasury Of Thoughtful Reactions To The Hobby Lobby Decision

We’re all still reeling over the awful Hobby Lobby decision today, but thank heavens, some of our great thinkers have already weighed in. For instance, Rick Santorum is positively frothy over the decision, even to the point of losing his prepositions: SCOTUS restored a vital piece our Constitution today [sic]. It’s a great day for all Americans! We didn’t actually notice a part of Our Constitution that said, “Hey, go ahead and tell your employees how they’re supposed to do sex,” but we’ll admit we haven’t read Rick Santorum’s copy. More Big Thoughts ahead! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Thoughtful Reactions To The Hobby Lobby Decision…
  rachel carson wept

Twitchy Asks The Tough Questions: What Kind Of Idiot Would Want To Save Bees?

Twitchy was all a-twitching on Sunday over the latest outrage perpetrated by the boy king Neville Chamberlain Obama, who on Friday had announced the creation of something called the Pollinator Health Task Force, a panel to study the problem of Colony Collapse Disorder among the nation’s honey bees. Because this action involves two words that wingnuts hate more than any others – “science” and “Obama” – one of the nine writers who staffs this particular wingnut Superfund site had to give up a quiet Sunday of huddling over the comics page, downing a two-liter of 7-Up while trying to sound out the big words in “Hagar the Horrible,” in order to curate the tweets of outrage. Twitchy: it’s Storify for people who lack functioning brain stems. Read more on Twitchy Asks The Tough Questions: What Kind Of Idiot Would Want To Save Bees?…
  this whole blog can be shipped to afghanistan no one has lost any

Rand Paul Makes A Funny Joke About His Fellow Americans

The always-quotable Sen. Rand Paul put a funny joke up on the Twitter Machine today! Only question is… (*snrkk!!!*) how would anyone even know the difference?? HAW HAW HAW! We can hardly wait for the nine paid staffers of Twitchy to condemn Sen. Paul for his very offensive breach of civility. Read more on Rand Paul Makes A Funny Joke About His Fellow Americans…
  ddteed off

Google Honored A Known Environmentalist, And Twitchy Will Not Shut Up About It

Google has really angered the Wingnuttospere this week. First off, on Monday, the search engine failed to put up a special doodle for Memorial Day, because Google Hates America — actually, the page did mark the day with an American flag and yellow ribbon icon, but they were too small and didn’t go up at midnight like they should have, but later in the day.* Then Tuesday, Google drew the wrath of all nine fulltime staffers of Twitchy by honoring Rachel Carson on what would have been her 107th birthday. This tribute to a known environmentalist sparked a Twitch-Fit, because of course by writing Silent Spring, a book that eventually led to the banning of DDT, Rachel Carson personally murdered millions: Read more on Google Honored A Known Environmentalist, And Twitchy Will Not Shut Up About It…
  hysteria's greatest monsters

Twitchy Outraged As Dan Savage Literally Throws Virgin Duggar Lady Into Volcano

As you can see, terrible no-goodnik and Friend of Wonkette Dan Savage is brutally attacking Christian Purity again, on the Twitters, by making fun of Professional Virgin Jill Duggar. Obviously, this makes him the biggest hypocrite ever, according to the 9 fulltime employees at Twitchy. Hey, Dan Savage! Stop sneering at virginity! Read more on Twitchy Outraged As Dan Savage Literally Throws Virgin Duggar Lady Into Volcano…
  Cute

Abortion Rights Group Gives Coat Hanger Pendants To Donors, Furious Wingnuts Don’t Realize Joke’s On Them

The DC Abortion Fund has found a very clever way to trick anti-choice right-wing social engineers into using their outraged Twittering to help DCAF raise some serious cash, for buying abortions! If you give the DC Abortion Fund $10 a month, you’ll get a tiny coat hanger, ideal for wearing as a pendant or neatly storing your pet hamster’s tuxedo, which would also make a pretty cool pendant. Of course, for DCAF’s tactic to work, the anti-choice crowd had to cooperate by totally failing to realize that the coat hanger is a joke at their expense — that if they succeed in banning abortion, the old horror days of coat hangers and tumbles down stairs and thousands of dead women will inevitably return. So did they cooperate? Did they fail to realize that they are the real coat hangers? Oh Twitchy, did they ever! Read more on Abortion Rights Group Gives Coat Hanger Pendants To Donors, Furious Wingnuts Don’t Realize Joke’s On Them…
  funny or lie

Zach Galifianakis Interviews Obama, And Twitchy Has Thoughts About It Buried In There Somewhere We Guess

Here is a funny “video” of Zach Galifianakis on Between Two Ferns interviewing one B. Barack Obama that you have probably already seen, because you probably did not sleep in until seven a.m. Pacific like some kind of slob jerk who sleeps in all day and then does something else slobby and jerky, we do not even know, this Daylight Saving Time changeover kind of did a number on us, and now we sort of suck at our “job” of typing dick jokes on the Internet and having examples of things that would be slobby and jerky. It is funny! There’s at least two, possibly three, fuck it let’s call it four, good loud laughs in there. Bamz is steely-eyed and pissy, it’s great! But someone on the Internet does not think it is great, and that someone is the nine fulltime staffers at Twitchy, the meth kingdom formerly Thought Leadered by pucker-faced spite robot Michelle Malkin! They do not think it is great, at all! And they would like to … well, not explain exactly. Or illuminate. Or even get in a good SNAP YA BURNT! They would like to post like 12 tweets from people replying to some random reporter, a sound and derpy that signify nothing. Let us witness it, because for some fucking reason that is the job we bought us. Read more on Zach Galifianakis Interviews Obama, And Twitchy Has Thoughts About It Buried In There Somewhere We Guess…