All we see is some old man with a big green screen behind him. *Hopefully* this isn’t what the McCain people decided would be a good idea, which it wouldn’t, for the second time. Oh God now the screen just got “smoky” green like death! Now it’s blue! Code Pink! COUNTRY FIRST. MORE »

We ran into YOUR president, George W. Bush, on the streets of St. Paul. He’s been arrested oh no! This is why he can’t appear in person to deliver his address — he’ll be getting bondage-whipped by this pink sexbot cop on the shores of the Mississippi river for the rest of his term. Also, we’ve gone through the official schedule of the night’s events and, shortly after 9:00 ET, there will be a video tribute to George “H.” W. Bush, the Yankee plutocrat everyone pretends to like these days. This comes right after the video tribute to Abraham Lincoln, whose presidency failed due to his lack of previous experience. *Just saying.* Also MICHELE BACHMANN is speaking within the hour. Tee hee!

We’ve received hundreds of photos and Photoshops in the last few days about either Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin’s spawn, or comical people in the Twin Cities for the convention. Since your male associate editor rarely wakes before noon, he misses many of these, but he’ll try to post some of the better ones here. The above graphic, for example, is probably the best of the 20-30 different Juno knock-offs (or “knock-ups,” HAHAHA WHEE) currently killing time in our inbox. MORE »

The RNC, like the DNC, issued a “schwag bag” made of marijuana to each of its esteemed media correspondent reporters during check-in here, in the self-styled “Twin Cities.” The DNC and RNC bags are very similar, which somehow demonstrates everyone’s leave favorite thing: bipartisanship. MORE »

First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. MORE »