Tag Archives: tweets

  Nice state you've got there -- shame if something were to happen to it

Corporations And Celebrities Agree: Anti-Gay Indiana Can Get Bent

On Thursday, wingnut Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed his state’s Fuck The Gays bill into law, which basically says that as long as your religion tells you Jesus’s first and only question on Judgment Day will be “and how many of my gay children did you personally abuse?”, you are free to use those beliefs to deny LGBT people service and accommodations in the forgotten, godforsaken state of Indiana. Gov. Pence did so because apparently the threat of losing tourism dollars and business is less important than making sure nobody forces Aunt Lurlene to bake a pie for a fag. This is called Religious Freedom, and it is somehow what this great nation was founded upon, according to idiots. Read more on Corporations And Celebrities Agree: Anti-Gay Indiana Can Get Bent…
  Gimme Gimme Schock Tweetment

Twitter Calmly Assesses The Nuances Of Aaron Schock’s Resignation

Meh, a penguin. It's pretty close to the Twitter logo, right?
You may have heard that Rep. Aaron Schock has suddenly resigned in the aftermath of the astonishing revelations in the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx. And has the unexpected departure of the Distinguished Gentleman From Instagram blown up a Tweetstorm? Has it ever! There are the de rigeur solemn statements of regret, of course: Read more on Twitter Calmly Assesses The Nuances Of Aaron Schock’s Resignation…
  Rules Were Made To Be Broken

Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?

No, honey, the rats are just playing a little rough.
You guys are not going to believe this, but CNN broke a story, and it’s got everything — political malfeasance, coded tweets, Karl Rove! It’s a story that once again reinforces how crappy Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reasoning in Citizens United was, and like most of Yr Wonket’s favorite stories, it appears to have come to light only because one group of professional ratfuckers decided to tattle to the press about another group of professional ratfuckers. First, let’s go over the facts as they’re being presented by CNN’s Chris Moody. Read more on Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?…
  Postmodern Postmortem

Minnesota Scumbag Wins ‘Douchiest Robin Williams Tweets’

No respect
You may or may not remember the postmodern stylings of Minnesota Republican Chris Fields, who explained a couple of years ago, when he ran against Keith Ellison for Congress, that there’s just no way in hell that an ad picturing Ellison and condemning his reverse racism was actually calling Ellison a racist or anything. And then when they debated, Ellison very accurately called Fields a scumbag. Fields is now the Minnesota Republican Party’s deputy chair, and in an effort to get out the vote for today’s primary election, engaged in a bizarre Twitter war accusing people who were sad about Robin Williams’s death of somehow being hypocrites who want to hurt ordinary Americans. Or something. Read more on Minnesota Scumbag Wins ‘Douchiest Robin Williams Tweets’…
  he's the wind

Matt Drudge Deletes Entire Twitter Oeuvre; World Asks, ‘Who?’

Pioneering aggravation aggregator Matt Drudge has gone and sent every single one of his Tweets down the memory hole, and nobody knows why. It’s kind of like that time when George Washington killed his sensei in a duel — there’s just no knowing the man’s mind, and it would be a mistake to try. Read more on Matt Drudge Deletes Entire Twitter Oeuvre; World Asks, ‘Who?’…
  You May Say To Yourself: Deer God -- What Have I Done?

Chuck Grassley’s Postmodern Tweet-Lit Phenom: ‘Assume Deer Dead’

Senator Charles “Chuck” “I now h v an iphone” Grassley (R-Xanadu) just loves him some Twitter. And he tweets with all the Nrg a man can bring to the task. But a true artist knows that he must grow. He must test his limits. There is a limit (140 bytes) to just how many insanely cryptic abbreviations a creator can get away with before it all becomes stale, even, dare we say it, banal. So rather than yet another story of taking a “pixtur” with “3 SixPak voleybal(jay’steam),” the man is branching out. He’s dabbled in engineering. He’s experimented with observational comedy. And now, he is exploring the frontiers of avant-garde narrative: “Assume Deer Dead.” It’s practically a Chuck Palahniuk novel all in itself. It is awesome and manly and essentialist, man battling for his place in the universe, with success, in darkness. It is an “Easy Rider” for today. It is an epic in the making — we’re thinking Paul Verhoeven should direct. If this tweet has not been optioned and a screenplay greenlit by the end of the weekend, then Hollywood truly is the stinking cesspit of creative imbecility that John Nolte says it is. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Postmodern Tweet-Lit Phenom: ‘Assume Deer Dead’…
  flotus files

Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches

Last night, First Lady Michelle Obama gave her DNC speech, and in a pink Tracy Reese dress (stylish and symbolic, of course), our FLOTUS verbally kickboxed Mitt Romney in the junk. There were those lines, “Being president doesn’t change who you are – it reveals who you are,” and “Success isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in people’s lives.” The libruls drooled, Michelle Malkin’s brain exploded a little, and the Twitter was bananas! “First Lady Michelle Obama garnered nearly double the tweets-per-minute during her speech than GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney.” And we all know that this is very important for November, when we all use our Twitter machines to vote. Twitter voting reduces fraud! Read more on Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches…

Rick Perry Still in This Thing, Because Governing Texas Is So Last Summer

The night after finishing fifth place in Iowa, ahead of now-quitter Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, one of the most subdued dudes (subdudes!) ever, was up running around a lake in serious winter running gear, his hair as unkempt and fluffy as a lamb’s. He tweeted something about training for a marathon? And it included this photo, complete with a thumbs-up sign, which is what people do when things aren’t good enough that they can just stand there looking cocksure. Actually the marathon is the race for the Republican presidential nomination, which he is still running in, get ittttttttt. The lieutenant governor of Texas must be thrilled. Read more on Rick Perry Still in This Thing, Because Governing Texas Is So Last Summer…
  worse than watergate

Newt Gingrich Rams His Love of Easter Candies Down America’s Memory Hole

Amoral pudgesack Newt Gingrich loves only two things: divorcing his old wives after he gives them cancer, and stuffing his albino-hamster face with Easter candies to “prove” he loves his current wife, for the time being. But now his holiday gluttony is as hidden away as the records of his many cruel divorces against his dying spouses, because Newt Gingrich deleted all his old Twitter posts. It’s really no surprise, because Newt Gingrich is exactly the kind of self-obsessed slob who would document his joy in slobbering all over Reese’s peanut-butter Easter Eggs on a day when real Christians are solemnly marking the death of Jesus — and he’s exactly the kind of lying fraud who would spend hours going through his old Twitter posts to delete all the ones that don’t look very “presidential candidate-ish,” because they are openly racist or speak of anal sex with sea pirates as a “punishment” or, apparently, because they reveal the Newt’s childish glee over some bunny-shaped sweets from the Walgreen’s. Read more on Newt Gingrich Rams His Love of Easter Candies Down America’s Memory Hole…
  never forget

Wonkette’s Tragic Use of Twitter

The other day we hit 911 posts on Twitter, which is a magickal number used to call the police when your neighbors are on the crack again at 4 o’clock in the morning and also the infamous/dreadful day when America officially began its self-fulfilling prophecy to topple like a stupid bloated giant full of ass-cancer and institutional paranoia. In other words, “Follow us on Twitter!” Read more on Wonkette’s Tragic Use of Twitter…
  140 characters and the truth

CAN YOU USE TWITTER WITHOUT BEING AN IDIOT?: A sad French journalist in DC cannot believe how terrible it is, this Twitter illiteracy. But isn’t everything terrible? [True/Slant]