Here is this new television advertisement from the League of American Voters. Exposition of plot: Only a bureaucrat with a characteristically Big Government binder would tell such a cute hipster she has to send her money to uncool dying Olds instead of spending her paycheck at rock n’ roll performances and blue v-neck t-shirt sales. Also: evidence suggests that no political organization is aware that there have been any successful advertisements other than the “Justin Long model.” [Ben Smith]

Histrionic criminal Tom DeLay is not quite ready to leave you and your television alone already! Since the FCC criminalized his hip gyrations on Dance, Star, Dance, he will now join Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. He will play an “Expert”—for serious—to whom contestants will get to pose questions during their “lifelines.” At least it sounds like there will be fewer sequins involved this time around, so there’s that… [TV Newser]

GUESS WHO IS AUDITIONING FOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE?? That’s exactly right! Rod Blagojevich. He will compete against Tom DeLay, Meghan McCain and the parents of Balloon Boy in a series of challenges that will determine who personifies the most lucid argument against humanity as a general concept. [People]

Do you know where your child is? No, not right now. No don’t worry, you don’t have to know that. But know this: On September 8th, President Barack Obama will be INDOCTRINATING your children with well wishes and vague pleasantries about doing their best and working hard. He will speak to them, via video, which our nation’s teachers will turn on after an estimated three to five minutes fiddling with the TV. But America’s school children want—nay, need—to know just this one thing: Will this be the sort of activity that cuts into their class time, or do they just have to make it up at the end of the day? The support of an entire generation depends on this crucial question. MORE »

OMG IT IS NEWS, TODAY, BUT NOT ABOUT TEA OR BAGS.

The disgraced Illinois fucktard Rod Blagojevich would like to appear on a reality show, provided a judge will loosen his travel restrictions. The show is called I Am a Repulsive Human Merkin, Get Me Out of Costa Rica! Should he actually get permission to leave the country and should the producers actually want him, he will be “parachuted in” to the Central American nation for the taping of this dumb show, which is based on a dumb British show with roughly the same name. As the first “survival challenge,” Rod Blagojevich will be duct-taped to the Octomom and dipped in pork rinds, then dangled before a half-dozen hungry Paultards. Hilarity ensues. [Chicago Tribune]

Comical old person John “WALNUTS!” McCain appeared on a popular late-night television show on Friday. He was so funny! His jokes are unstoppable. He pretended to fall asleep in Conan’s lap! So funny! Oh and jeez what’s in his mouth now??? Ahhhhhhggg! [Boston Globe/Top of the Ticket]

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BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HILARIOUS:: Never mind the newscast; check out his blogging! The Sunday New York Times is full of bizarre lifestyle crap, Peggy Noonan is “doing the work of her career,” mom’s cocktails in New Jersey were the best, and he skipped the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to watch NASCAR in his kitchen. [Brian Williams' Daily Nightly]

The biggest news story in the world is, of course, about some little ‘tween girl from Disney TeeVee who was forced to pose for naked photographs by an old lesbian photographer for Vanity Fair. This is very shameful, how Conde Nast let its magazine be used for half-nekkid pictures of an entertainer who is a girl child. The little girl only made $100 million dollars for having to be the star of Hannah Montana, which is the story of “Achey Breaky Heart” sensation Billy Ray Cyrus and his secret daughter who wants to be on teevee. The question is, which presidential candidate was more of a lech to the innocent little child, Obama or McCain? MORE »

Now that the comical idiot girl with the porn star breastises has been appointed John McCain’s vice president and third wife, another “actor” from The Hills has to endorse Barack Obama, for balance. Otherwise The Hills‘ sterling reputation as an unbiased news source will wind up in the trash, along with Heidi Montag’s first nose. So who is this dumb, lightly be-stubbled youngster Brody Jenner, and why does he like the Democrat Barack Obama? MORE »

Even though it was the 800th debate in the last 24 hours, and it overlapped with the premiere of Lost, the Hollywood Liberals Debate last night “drew 8,324,000 million total viewers, making it the most-watched primary debate in cable news history, and the second-most watched on TV this election cycle (ABC’s Democratic debate on Jan. 5 drew 9,360,000).” John Edwards was not one of these 8.3 million people tuning in, as it was his first night shift back at his old employer, The Mill. [TV Newser]

Barack Obama is facing yet another major important tell-all death knell of a scandal, this time involving teh teeveez. According to his Facebook page, his favorite TV show is Sportscenter. Masculine, humorous, informative — Sportscenter is, indeed, a quality program. In the Dec. 3 issue of TV Guide, however, he says his favorite shows are M*A*S*H* and The Wire. This sort of indecision can only mean one thing: He’s a closet Sex and the City fan. [MoJo Blog]

Rudy Giuliani has yet to run even one television ad. Strange, right? Well, the wait is over. Today, the Giuliani campaign unleashed his lisping, New Yawk accent on the American People. And guess what? Not one reference to 9/11! But he did sort of hint at it. Actually… those two white columns in the background over his right shoulder do sorta look like the WTC towers. Hmmm. Hey! Don’t play your subliminal games with me, Rudy. Oh, it’s on! And BTW? Soft lighting can’t conceal your creepy smile. You smiling is unnatural. So, please, don’t do it. Ever. Thanks.