Tag Archives: turkey

  The War On Christmas May Commence

Thanksgiving Ain’t Over Until The Turkey Tetrazzini Sings

Do you still have turkey leftovers? Great. Let’s get rid of it already, with the American comfort classic Turkey Tetrazzini. It’s a pasta casserole with mushrooms, leftover turkey, frozen peas, and a cream sauce. You can do a shortcut and just use Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup instead of the cream sauce, you lazy fuck. We’ll only include photos of the final product so you can guess in the comments whether we made the sauce ourselves or used canned soup. Read more on Thanksgiving Ain’t Over Until The Turkey Tetrazzini Sings…
  And At That Time A Friend Shall Lose His Friend's Hammer

Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together

She looks like she's calculating how long it would take to reach the emergency exit
ISIS is a bunch of unstoppable murderous thugs trying to drag the Middle East into a New Medieval Order, and Pat Robertson couldn’t be more tickled by the prospect. You see, children, Brother Pat is excited by their goal of unifying Iraq, Syria, and chunks of Egypt into a radical Islamist caliphate, because he’s pretty sure that would fulfill a prophecy from Isaiah 19: Read more on Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together…
  ask not what your textbook can do for you

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks With The Right Dynamic For the New Frontier

We told you last week that we were finished with the 1950s and moving into the ’60s, and we are — but by a quirk of editing, both of our history textbooks for the Christian school market have shoehorned the Kennedy administration into the very end of their chapters on the Fifties, the better to emphasize what they see as the chaos and degeneracy of nearly everything that happened after November 22, 1963. We can see the thematic logic of that, so keep in mind that as we talk about Kennedy this week, both of our textbooks treat him as a kind of footnote to Eisenhower, a nice-looking fellow who died under unfortunate circumstances and who liberals pay far too much attention to. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks With The Right Dynamic For the New Frontier…
  we heard he put his feet on the desk once too

Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk

Hey, Drudge and Weekly Standard, did anything happen during President Richard Milhouse Obama’s press conference with the Turkish premiere or prime minister or president or whatever? (We are not required to know who that guy is, because AMERICA.) Oh, nothing, he just CALLED OUT THE MARINES? Well that is one way to murder all of us with martial law and posse comitatus and other terrible FEMA Camp things. “Obama Calls Over Marines to Shield Himself and Turkish PM from Rain,” says the Standard, which is the entirety of its blog post except the vid, above. “OBAMA CALLS IN MARINES,” says Drudge. If you are making Marines take time out from their busy schedules of protecting our freedoms just so you don’t get some Jesus Tears on you, then surely, SURELY, now it is time to inpeach? Read more on Haw Haw, Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Cannot Even Stand A Little Rain, What A Dumb Jerk…
  bah!

Perry Dropping Out to Play More Scrabble With Huntsman

Rick Perry is finally dropping out of the Republican race Thursday, and will endorse Newt Gingrich because it’s just more fun that way. He will now return in shame to Texas to command-in-chief his Burundi-sized army and obsessively read over all his old emails to Jesus for clues about why Jesus dumped him and maybe whatever else Rick Perry used to do besides dare to dream about the presidency, troll eBay for bulk hair products, probably. Was it something he said? Read more on Perry Dropping Out to Play More Scrabble With Huntsman…
  please go home

Rick Perry Continues to Think He’s a Scholar of Turkey

In Monday night’s debate, Rick Perry made the claim that Turkey was “ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists.” Just as bafflingly, people from as far and wide as actual Turkey and D.C. have taken time out of their busy days Tuesday to condemn Perry’s par-for-the-course proclamation. But he’s been to Turkey, for god’s sake. He lived there. Have you? Read more on Rick Perry Continues to Think He’s a Scholar of Turkey…
  profiles in horror

The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey

On a grim November day just two years ago, the recently defeated GOP candidate for vice president pardoned a turkey. And because she had yet to quit the only real job she ever had — governor of Alaska — she didn’t have all these private jets at her service, so she did the “normal for the Palins” thing and just stopped by the abattoir on the way to Taco Bell. And then, as Sarah “pardoned” a turkey, other turkeys were shoved into the industrial maw of the slaughterhouse, in full view of the news cameras. Never Forget. Read more on The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey…
  this bird should be tried by the military!

Awkward Video Moments Preserved Forever: Barack Obama Pardons a Turkey

In the days before YouTube, our computers were pretty safe from stuff like this. But, as slaves to audio-visual technology, we must now be exposed to moments best captured by a single photograph — as in turkey pardons of past presidencies — and then quickly forgotten. Here, President Obama again shows his cruel elitism, as he “jokes” about wishing he was doing something other than “pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland.” Maureen Dowd is going to lose her shit. But what about the YouTube commenters? Read more on Awkward Video Moments Preserved Forever: Barack Obama Pardons a Turkey…
  wagg the bog

Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win

Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen …. Read more on Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win…
  food/booze news!

Wings For Atonement And Beer To Wash It Down

Today through Saturday, September 26: You eat out at participating DC restaurants, and children all over the world, even those in the shittiest countries, will stop eating each other. [Great American Dine-Out] Read more on Wings For Atonement And Beer To Wash It Down…
  video friday

Turks Love Obama, Dancing, 3D Text

Here is something fun to lighten the mood on the day before the weekend! How to explain this one … It’s sort of like if the Scissor Sisters met Omar Sharif and directed an intergalactic cruise together, with a backup singer wearing cave-lady rags. Cocaine would almost certainly be involved. This might be talking it up a little too much. [YouTube] Read more on Turks Love Obama, Dancing, 3D Text…
  never forget

A Children’s Treasury Of Freeper Reactions To Obama’s ‘Mooselimb’ Vacation

Barack Obama went to what he fancy-calls a “Muslim-majority” nation today, Turkey, to hock his “legacy assets” under the guise of “reconciliation” after years of “Overseas Contingency Operations.” In other words he gave a speech to the Turkish Parliament in which he “promoted terrorism against white Christian landowning Americans.” Everyone should thank our President for this devastating Freeper bait. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Freeper Reactions To Obama’s ‘Mooselimb’ Vacation…
  honoring talent

Palin Cameraman Has Won Many Awards!

Yeah so that guy who filmed Sarah Palin warbling nonsense in front of a parade of beheaded turkeys? Various news reports have said he is “an award-winning chief photographer,” and this is true. This fellow, Scott Jensen, was the National Press Photographers Association’s TV News Photojournalist of the Year — twice! And now we see why. Part of what makes that Palin video so delicious is the fact that the shot really is perfectly set up: we get an unobstructed view of that creepy butcher, plus vivid red turkey blood and of course the harsh unflattering bronze of Sarah Palin’s blush. Scott Jensen is an American hero. [The Digital Journalist] Read more on Palin Cameraman Has Won Many Awards!…
  turkeydeathgate

Oddly Endurant Sarah Palin/Turkey Slaughter Story Takes New Twist

That funny but completely unimportant thing from last week in which Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey and then gave a teevee interview with a turkey being sliced ‘n’ diced in the background… well the American people are intent to know as much as possible about it! Early reports suggested that Palin was aware before the interview started that the bloodbath would be in the camera shot, and she was cool with that. Over the weekend, however, a Palin spokesperson told the legendary muckrakers at Entertainment Tonight that Palin had no idea about the savagery behind her, and that the in-the-tank cameraman included it in spite of her staff’s orders not to do so. Hmm. It appears that, for the first time ever, a story about Sarah Palin offers fully contradictory recollections from opposing sides. Read more on Oddly Endurant Sarah Palin/Turkey Slaughter Story Takes New Twist…
  ringers

New German Leader Looks Like Generic 70s British Character Actor

Oh look it’s that guy from Get Carter, the one who Michael Caine finds at the racetrack wearing a sweet pair of shades! No wait, it’s a lost member of Monty Python who gave up acting for a sweet hippie chick in Haight-Ashbury and was last seen in the Mojave Desert, high on peyote and wearing a bearskin. No wait again, it’s the first person of Turkish descent to lead a German political party. Huzzah for German Green party chairman Cem Ozdemir, the Barack Obama of Europe! [International Herald Tribune] Read more on New German Leader Looks Like Generic 70s British Character Actor…