Jesus needs to fix everybody in this week’s Top Ten. Oh hi, Wonkers! It’s Sunday afternoon, which means we’re going to yammer at you for a minute before we go eat bloody marys for brunch. We hope you are having a nice weekend and your favorite sportsball team is playing in a sportsmanlike way. So, the week’s top stories! They were a lovely assortment of gross people saying and doing gross things, in a very gross and bad way. Basically, a typical week at the Wonkette. Read more on Dumb Duggars, Bristol Palin And Gross Kevin McCarthy. Your Weekly Top Ten!…
Wonkette baby reading the print version of Wonkette Oh hi, Wonkers! It is time for your late afternoon Weekly Top Ten list! Have you had a nice weekend? We have! It’s been almost 100% sleep and Netflix, like Jesus intended. If you’ll take a moment to notice the picture above you, you will see that Wonkette Baby, instead of just sleeping and Netflixing, has taken a job teaching literature at the local community college. They grow up so fast! Read more on How Many Lies Can Liar Carly Fiorina Tell Before Breakfast? Your Weekly Top Ten….
The pope has changed my life! Oh hi, Wonkers! Did you miss the BIG BREAKING NEWS about how John Boehner is going away? Yes, it is hilarious, and yes, yr Wonkette understands that his replacement will be far worse, but just in case the end of Boehner’s reign in Congress also spells the end of us getting to see his weepy man face all the time, let’s use this week’s top ten to revisit some of our favorites, mixed in with the week’s top stories and the housekeeping we always have to do on Sunday, SINCE YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING MESSY. Read more on Let’s Giggle At John Boehner’s Drunky Cry Faces Some More. Your Weekly Top Ten….
We could have used a picture of Ann Coulter, but nobody wants to see that. Here’s Wonkette baby, grinning at you instead. Oh look, another weekend almost come and gone. But it’s still Sunday afternoon, which means we can still day drink or sleep all day or spend the day crying (don’t do that, Wonkers!) or whatever it is we want to do. Also, we can count down the week’s top ten stories! One of them is about Ann Coulter, and about how she briefly became the focus of the internet’s discussion for like a day, for saying something assholish (big surprise there). Trouble was that, despite her best intentions, she was kind of correct? Anyway, we’ll get to that in a minute. Read more on Internet Shocked To Learn Ann Coulter Still Exists. Your Weekly Top Ten….
F’real, Huckabee?!?! Oh hi there! Sorry to interrupt you vacuuming your cat or whatever it is you do on Sunday afternoons, but we have to count down the top ten posts of the week, so your cat will have to wait. A lot of the top stories this week are about Mike Huckabee, and how out of all the Republicans running for president, he’s really the only one capable of making us seethe. Ted Cruz? Awwwww, he tries, but at the end of the day you just want to pinch his evil, dumb nose and say, “You’re not good enough.” But you see that face Wonkette Baby is making right there? That is the face yr Wonkette makes about Mike Huckabee. Read more on Let’s Hate Mike Huckabee Some More! Your Weekly Top Ten….
Don’t you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO! Oh hello, Wonkers, and how is your holiday weekend going? Are you ZZZZZZZing like we are, or are you playing croquet with the king of Spain or something glamorous like that? Well take a break, because it’s time for your late Sunday afternoon top ten post, which we specifically got off the couch to write for you. Many of your top stories are about that mean jailbird clerk lady Kim Davis, big surprise! Read more on Hey Everybody, Where’s Kim Davis? Oh That’s Right, She’s In Jail! Your Weekly Top Ten….
Sex bus. Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don’t care, let’s talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he’s in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that’s in your top ten too. Weird week! Read more on Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten….
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
Wonkette baby has formed opinions. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and it is also August, which means the news is WEIRD and all the journalists who write the important stories about why everything is the Holocaust are on vacation, which means your top ten stories are ALL OVER THE PLACE. And only ONE of them is remotely related to Donald Trump, aren’t you happy? Moreover, only ONE of them is about candidates in the 2016 Republican primary. Because really, fuck all those nerds. Read more on Crunchy Cooters, White Supremacists And Megyn Kelly. Your Weekly Top Ten….
THOSE CRAZY KIDS! KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go fight with ISIS in Syria, they picked out this cute little house on the outskirts of town with a white picket, WAIT WHAT? Why you gotta do ISIS, y’all? What about “the beach” or “France” or “oh fuck it, we’re poor, let’s just drive to Memphis for the weekend?” Ugh, you idiots: Read more on Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?…
The boss of you. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and we hope this post finds you fat and brunched up! We had quite a week, what with the first official debates of Fuckshow 2016. SPOILER ALERT: This campaign is going to be a real fuckshow. Read more on Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten….
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need. Read more on Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten….
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking “ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk” and we hate to break it to you, but it’s not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we’re not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom. Read more on A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten…
Hey Wonkers, happy Sunday afternoon! We hope you are full of brunch and joy and whatever else you like to be full of, dicks probably. So it’s time to count down the top ten posts of the week, aren’t you excited? Read more on Seattle Earthquakes, Unborned Fetus Parts And Gawker! Your Weekly Top Ten….
Hey Wonkers, what is up and things! Are you quitting something today? Sarah Palin is! We don’t know what it is, but we’re sure she is. Of course, we are talking about that because this is your weekly Top Ten post, and your top story of the week, by far, is about Sarah Palin quitting a thing. This most recent time, it was her Pay-Per-Derp channel, but what will it be next? Does she secretly smoke moose-flavored ciggies and she’s going to quit that? Does she even HAVE another job to quit? OH NO SHE IS GOING TO QUIT TODD. Read more on Let’s Take Bets On What Sarah Palin Will Quit Next! Your Weekly Top Ten…
Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let’s all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix’s baby pictures post this morning? If you didn’t, you should go look at it!) Read more on Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten….