Wonkette

In this clip, beloved pundit Tucker Carlson proves how totally 100% not gay he is by telling a charming story about how he and his fellow not-gay friend bashed some fag’s head against a bathroom stall. Yeah! Just let Larry Craig try that wide-stance foot-tapping bullshit with Tucker! He’ll smash his fucking homo skull in!

Smug jackass Tucker Carlson’s career has hit the dreaded “Howie Mandel plateau” — the man needs to let loose a racial epithet on live TV soon or he’ll find himself in the bottom-right Hollywood Square by 2008. Tucker’s about to start dividing his time between his popular MSNBC chat show, Carlson!, and a new network game show that sounds pretty much like the one Penn Jillette hosts. MORE »

This is a very special party crash, because we actually did crash it: despite being on the panel that selected one of the winners, we weren’t actually on the list for The Week’s annual award dog-and-pony show. It all worked out in the end, of course, as we’re consummate complainers.

The event, held last night at the Four Seasons, honors people whose opinions a group of rich old people can generally agree are pretty good, or at least entertaining. Oh, and a blogger.

We attended, of course, with the lovely Liz Gorman, whose lovely photos are here. Our write-up can be found, as always, after the jump.

The Week Opinion Awards Gallery

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This week Rudy Giuliani proves there’s nothing more American than baseball and S&M while Valerie Plame and Kiefer Sutherland blow their covers, and Tucker Carlson just blows. Plus Joe Scarborough, James Carville and everyone’s favorite tequila slurping laborer.

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Those interested in the commuting, eating, and theater habits of John Bolton , Evan Bayh, Grover Norquist, and Sam Donaldson will find this week’s Wonk’d to their taste. Those more interested in the handjob “Tucker Carlson” got in a KFC bathroom from one of DC’s famous tranny hookers will also be well served by reading on.

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* Reliable Source: Crazy Bill Cohen and his crazy wife continue to sell their crazy book about love. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: “Bill Clinton” sent out a “dear friend” email in support of Hillary’s campaign… Bob Dole’s former Press Secretary wrote a book based on when a drunk Pentagon contractor expressed a drunken desire to kill Bill Clinton… MSNBC’s own Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson will be on NBC’s own 30 Rock tonight. SYNERGY! [Examiner]
* Inside the Beltway: Happy 450th Birthday, Ted Kennedy! [WT]

Last year’s blockbuster season of Dancing With the Stars provided us with all these DC treats: MORE »

* After she delights and amuses Judge Walton, Andrea Mitchell will (probably) drag her ass to the Smithsonian for a book promotion/interview with Gwen Ifill. $25 at 8PM. [Smithsonian]
* Learn ballroom dancing in the “Corcoran’s famed interior.” Includes the Fox Trot, the Cha-Cha and the Tango. For you hand-sweaters, free champagne. Cocktail attire is encouraged. $45 solo, $75 for a couple at 7PM. Do it for the Tuckster, “I’m 37. I’ve got four kids. I have a steady job. I don’t do things that I’m not good at very often. I’m psyched to get to do that.” [Corcoran]
* Apples in Stereo, Casper & The Cookies at the Black Cat. $15 at 8PM. [Black Cat]
* Stellastarr and Soft Complex at the Rock & Roll Hotel. $14 at 8PM. [R&R]
* Or just stay in and lock your door and for godssake STAY OFF THE ROADS — there’s SNOW!

These sightings always bring more questions than answers. Is Tom Vilsack so hard up for publicity that he’ll sit in a window scarfing burgers to get noticed? What makes George Allen think he’s still a member of Congress? Is James Carville sane? Does Donald Rumsfeld need a lawyer for all the reasons we think he does? If Ted Kennedy can get his dog to follow his commands, how come no one else does? Is Chris Matthews sane? Has Norah O’Donnell been watching too much Godfather II? Did Tucker Carlson rub one out to Miss America after their lunch? Keep reading to see what’s making us wonder about this stuff, plus a former congressman who travels with the kind of luggage you don’t carry if you want to get your gayness fixed.

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UPDATE: Oh great, now our operative says “WRONG GAVIN!” Is there another Gavin we should be concerned about? Who? Local journalist Patrick Gavin? Jeez, this post is no longer at all interesting. MORE »