Tag Archives: tucker carlson

  once you see you can't unsee

Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He’d Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle

So earlier in the World Cup (sportsball! woo!) there was a girl that was apparently the most beautiful-est sportsball fan, and she got offered a hair modeling contract with L’Oreal. But then she posted a super cool photo on her Facebook account posing with a gazelle she had shot on a big game hunting trip. This made people sad, and when people get sad on the Internet, they yell at companies that are making them sad, so L’Oreal made her contract go away. This, in turn, made Tucker Carlson and his posse of stupid very mad and very sad. Read more on Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He’d Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle…
  an actual conspiracy for a change

The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists

You may or may not remember the story about New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez allegedly doing sex with prostitutes, whom he then didn’t even pay, and then later it was claimed that the hookers were underaged, even. Hahaha, of course you remember it — you read Wonket, and are perforce a salacious-minded weirdo, gods bless you! It was a really big deal in late 2012 when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller broke it, and then a few months later the Associated Press reported that in reality, the ladies of negotiable affection were paid by an attorney to make the whole thing up. And so we felt better about Robert Menendez, because ALWAYS PAY YOUR HOOKER. And now, we get this Big Deal Update from the Washington Post: The whole story appears to have been planted by Cuban intelligence agents. Is it petty of us to think that the real takeaway is less that a U.S. Senator was almost ruined by Cuban spies than that Tucker Carlson and chipmunk-faced boy reporter Matthew Boyle got punked by those same Cuban spies? We can live with that. Read more on The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists…
  they're not racist the dictionary is racist

Now The Daily Caller Is Mad At The Dictionary For Calling It Racist

The Daily Caller — Tucker Carlson’s Internet home for upright citizens who love killing black children, and what on earth could be wrong with that? — googled the word “bigotry.” Why? Why do cows fart? Wrote Wonket BFF and Daily Caller scribe Betsy Rothstein, Google has an odd way of looking at “bigotry.” When you punch in the word “bigotry” into the Google search engine, here’s what you’ll find. Betsy then included a picture of a Google search result, which read, “bigoted attitudes; intolerance toward those who hold different opinions than oneself. ‘The report reveals racism and right-wing bigotry.'” Then Betsy had some questions! Interesting. Why is “right-wing” a correlation to bigotry? Why is bigotry a descriptor to “right-wing?” Then she answered them! The definition seems to come directly from the Oxford Dictionary, where the example sentence is used verbatim. HOW DARE THE DICTIONARY. Let’s do some more googling, for Betsy, and science! Read more on Now The Daily Caller Is Mad At The Dictionary For Calling It Racist…
  asleep at the wheel

Human Weasel Tucker Carlson Not Sure You Should Go To Jail For Something As Silly As Killing Someone

It’s been ten seconds since Tucker Carlson said something dickish, so time had really come for it to happen again. It’s like the man simply can’t resist being an asshole, no matter what the topic. He’s an all-purpose asshole. He’s the Comet cleaner of assholes. You are likely aware that Tracy Morgan was injured when a semi truck driver allegedly fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into Morgan’s tour bus, killing one passenger and leaving Morgan and others in critical condition. The driver’s been charged with one count of death by vehicle, but Tucker’s just not so sure that falling asleep and killing someone is a big deal. Did we mention Tucker Carlson is an asshole? Read more on Human Weasel Tucker Carlson Not Sure You Should Go To Jail For Something As Silly As Killing Someone…
  welcome to post-racial america

Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming

You know what’s wonderful? Living in a post-racial America, where everyone is judged based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. For example: Tucker Carlson is a dick not because of his race, but because he is a cosmic turd wrapped in leaking anal polyps sent here to punish us for some unknown sin. Hell, racism is so far in The Past that John Roberts and SCOTUS said we don’t need no stinkin Voting Rights Act. But apparently Tennessee never got the memo: Read more on Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming…
  when derp attacks

Philosopher King Tucker Carlson Thinks There’s No Such Thing As Statutory Rape For Boys

We were trying to remember if Tucker Carlson is a worthless douchebag or a complete sociopath, and then we remembered we didn’t need to choose, especially when he gives us such gems as “there’s no such thing as statutory rape for underage guys because because because.” First, though, some important questions: When did Tucker stop wearing bow ties? And when did his head get kinda swole? Is Tucker juicing? One’s head does not usually literally increase in size in adulthood. Must be all that hate and derp he’s packing on. Where were we? Oh yeah, listening to Tucker prattle on about statutory rape and remembering that we are not paid nearly well enough for this gig. Read more on Philosopher King Tucker Carlson Thinks There’s No Such Thing As Statutory Rape For Boys…
  no justice no peace

Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much

Remember back in January how unstoppable tyrant Barack Obama and his evil minion Eric Holder threw filmmaker and pretend smart person Dinesh D’Souza in a gulag for the terrible crime of not loving Obama and for believing in free speech and being an all-around hero? And Dinesh was all like “trumped up charges blah blah blah did I mention I made a film I will fight this to the death”? Looks like some of Obama’s goons got to noble Dinesh, because today he pleaded guilty to one of the charges — a criminal count of making illegal contributions in the names of others. It looks like the plea allows him to skate on the other charge of making false statements. Read more on Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much…
  #RIPpatriarchy

Male ‘Journalist’ Tucker Carlson Sad There Are No Male Journalists Because Jill Abramson Murdered Them All

Since the suspiciously ungracious and despicably cruel firing of Jill Abramson, the first female executive editor of the New York Times — apparently for no reason other than because she was a “pushy” “mercurial” “polarizing” “brusque” beeeyotch who twice hurt an otherwise super chill dude’s feelings so bad he had to punch a wall, but it’s okay now because the Times ding-donged that witch and gave her job to Mr. Chill Dude — there have been many excellent analyses of what happened at the Times. Like what an inspiration she was to the other women who worked at the Times. And how shocking and discouraging it is that she was fired in the way that she was, unlike, say, former editor Howell Raines, who was given a pretty darned nice send off when he was fired. Or how we will never really know whether and how much sexism played a role in how she was treated, perceived, and ultimately fired. There are many excellent points out there, made by excellent people who are very smart and wise. And then there is Tucker Carlson, who is “enjoying the heck out of this story.” Because he is a dick. Read more on Male ‘Journalist’ Tucker Carlson Sad There Are No Male Journalists Because Jill Abramson Murdered Them All…
  stfu tucker carlson

Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors

Tucker Carlson, who plays a human being on Fox’s Outnumbered, explained the connection between obesity and poverty Wednesday, pointing out that poor people are only fat because the government keeps giving them food, and that there’s no such thing as a fat rich person. Who is this man who is so wise in the ways of science? Perhaps he can explain how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. Read more on Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors…
  how's that minority outreach workin' for ya?

Tucker Carlson Yelling At Minorities Again

He Seems Nice: ranty race-baiter Tucker Carlson took a few minutes of his busy day Friday to explain to conspiracy slug Alex Jones that the real problem this country faces is that the U.S. Government is just too intent on keepin’ the oppressed white man down: “The federal government takes sides and hands out spoils based on skin color,” Carlson claimed … Carlson expressed his disgust of the country’s previous segregation, and likened present-day “handouts” to the government “[taking] sides based on race” as it did in the past. This is so very true — just look what the government did last night at the Oscars, telling them to give Best Picture to the movie about blacks instead of the movie about Sandra Bullock in space. Read more on Tucker Carlson Yelling At Minorities Again…
  it's a man's man's man's man's world

Fox Blonde Martha MacCallum Has Special Thoughts On Ladies’ ‘Special’ Pay

Well, looks like Martha MacCallum is trying to make a name for herself with the ol’ Fox higher-ups! How? By insisting little ladies don’t want the “special” handout that is equal pay for equal work. That is “special” indeed! Read more on Fox Blonde Martha MacCallum Has Special Thoughts On Ladies’ ‘Special’ Pay…
  little sisters of st. ann

In Ann Coulter’s New Religious Order, Ladies Will Marry Federal Government For Free Slutbortions

So you know how when nuns take they’re vows, they’re married to Jebus? Ann Coulter has figured out that it’s pretty much the same thing when single women want insurance to cover their Whore Pills, except they’re marrying the federal government. On a special Fox & Friends tribute to the Mad Hatter’s tea party Sunday, Coulter also explained that when Nancy Pelosi said Republicans disrespect women, she was totally wrong because she said it on MSNBC, where all the hosts are committed to force-feeding dookie to Sarah Palin. They then showed a clip of Pelosi saying that Republican policies disrespect women, since R’s have opposed equal pay for equal work, raising the mininmum wage, child care, paid sick leave, and so on. Ah, but Tucker Carlson was too smart for Nancy Pelosi! He translated what all that ooga-booga about “pay equity” and “women in the work place” really means: “So why doesn’t she just say abortion? That’s what she’s talking about. Why doesn’t anybody ever use that word out loud if it’s such a great thing?” Equal pay = Abortion. Logic is fun! (By which we mean “abortion,” really.) Read more on In Ann Coulter’s New Religious Order, Ladies Will Marry Federal Government For Free Slutbortions…
  biology is density

Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Is Back With Brand New Message For Ladies: Quit Your Jobs, Have More Babbies

Hi, ladies! Fox News brought its favorite “war on men” correspondent, Suzanne Venker, out of the locked room where they store her between guest appearances and let her do some concern-ranting about how women are ruining their lives by living them the way they want to, and not the way Suzanne Venker knows they should. On Sunday’s Fox & Friends, Venker got a nice warm welcome for her very important column (on FoxNews.com, natch) explaining that women really can “have it all” as long as they recognize that “it” shouldn’t include a career. And how could any reasonable human find her premise controversial anyway? As Tucker Carlson said, “I rely completely on my wife…but if a woman says that about her husband, somehow that’s weak?” We’re really happy to hear that Tucker Carlson has decided to only work part time and have balance in his life by spending more time doing laundry and staying home with the kids, which has to be what he meant, right, gals? Read more on Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Is Back With Brand New Message For Ladies: Quit Your Jobs, Have More Babbies…
  not afraid to be servicey

When I Am An Old Lady I Shall Be Ungrateful, And Several Other Most Excellent Outbound Links!

Is your mom this old lady? No, because your mom is not a professor emerita of English. Your mom is, however, ungrateful and ungracious. MOMS! SO COMPLICATED! Is New Pope rocking your world? Is Pope Francis going to be the next John XXIII? (Gonna go with yes, and also “callllled ittttt.”) Read more on When I Am An Old Lady I Shall Be Ungrateful, And Several Other Most Excellent Outbound Links!…
  wonket confidential

Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC

Tucker, I said no karate chops in the office
Ann Coulter wrote a book. It’s her tenth! Congratulations, Ann! We don’t know much about the etiquette of these things, but evidently the tenth is the “fluorescent” anniversary in publishing, since her friends at the Daily Caller invited everyone over to their place this week to celebrate. Read more on Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC…
  late night shots

I Braved The Tucker Carlson/Uncle Speculum Party For You, Wonket

me and sam
Beth Ethier, our Foggy Bottom Correspondent, brings us this A+++ report. In case you haven’t heard of Generation Opportunity, they are a not-at-all-shady Koch operation and they would like you to know that, if you are young, Obamacare will take all your money and then compile your dirty secrets for Harry Reid to look at. In addition to their Uncle Speculum ads, their informative website includes a video of a google+ hangout with GenOpp’s “El Presidente” Evan Feinberg in which he warns you that Obamacare doctors will ask you whether you do the sex and then put your answer in a giant gubbamint database! GenOpp’s Capitol Hill “Opt Out of Obamacare Party and Panel,” hosted by Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller and set to mark the opening of the new insurance exchanges, happened to come on the first day of Bonus Fun Unpaid Vacation for many hill dwellers and it had an open bar, making it a top destination for Tuesday night entertainment. The very first thing that happened when I arrived at the 201 Bar was that John McCain cut in front of me in line. He, of course, was not going to my party, but to one deeper in the establishment that had to do with honoring philanthropically minded sports stars. My party was celebrating uninsured youth and was in a low-ceilinged hellscape jammed with furloughed staffers competing for the attention of three overburdened bartenders. Read more on I Braved The Tucker Carlson/Uncle Speculum Party For You, Wonket…
  it's not nice to make fun of crazy people

Chris Wallace Won’t Listen To The Voices In Tucker Carlson’s Head Telling Him Obama’s Racist

Tucker Carlson is a man who does not like racism, nosiree. That is why, when the president, a known black man, spoke to the Congressional Black Caucus about the threats to defund or repeal Obamacare, and said “we’ve overcome far darker threats than those,” Tucker Carlson knew down to the very marrow of his unracist tippytoes that this kind of racism must not stand. Read more on Chris Wallace Won’t Listen To The Voices In Tucker Carlson’s Head Telling Him Obama’s Racist…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of picked-up pieces, a baggy collection of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that we couldn’t quite manage a full post on. Or just didn’t wanna. At the top of the list, Tucker Carlson snoozing on the set of Fox & Friends, because there’s really not much more to say about it, other than “Hey, look at this professional teevee idjit sleeping on a couch!” Carlson’s thoughts on the matter were limited to “Is this honestly live?” and “I was having these happy thoughts and I dozed off … Is this honestly on TV?” There’s probably a metaphor here, we think.  Stay in school, kids. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup…
  birds of a feather

FishbowlDC May Call Tucker Carlson As A Character Witness Or Something, Seems About Right

And we sort of think this is everything you could ever possibly need to know. On the defense side, lawyers for Mediabistro Inc. list potential 12 witnesses, including Daily Caller founder Tucker Carlson, former Washington Times editor Sam Dealey, former Washington Examiner reporter and Sirius radio host Julie Mason, and Washingtonian editor-at-large Carol Joynt. Read more on FishbowlDC May Call Tucker Carlson As A Character Witness Or Something, Seems About Right…
  yeah yeah yeah hot for teacher

Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller Simply Does Not Care For All These Whorish ‘Teachers’ Whoring It Up

Every day, when we wake up, we like to ask ourselves: Are teachers somewhere doing sex for money? Will today be the day that some website says they are? Please please pretty please G_d, let today be the day we can call teachers whores! Believe it when The Daily Caller tells you: If you find any fault with public school teachers, you will definitely hear about how very hard they work, and how they care so much about making the world a better place. The Daily Caller now has evidence that the many spirited defenders of the old profession of teaching are right in many exciting, stimulating ways. Hahaha, oh we get it! Teachers do not work hard or care about making the world a better place! (Only reporters at the Daily Caller do that.) Can you guess why? We bet you cannot guess why. We will just tell you. IT IS BECAUSE ALL TEACHERS ARE WHORES!!!1! Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller Simply Does Not Care For All These Whorish ‘Teachers’ Whoring It Up…
  journamalism

Whom Is The Daily Caller Casually Libeling Today? (Hint: It Is Former L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa!)

Nice work, Daily Caller “News” “Foundation”! You’ve got a throwaway news item — Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s new job as a visiting fellow at Harvard — and used it as the stock for a bouillabaisse of casual lies and pointed misinformation! Young Robby Soave, “reporter,” must be quite proud of him! How are you casually libeling Antonio Villaraigosa today? Read more on Whom Is The Daily Caller Casually Libeling Today? (Hint: It Is Former L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa!)…
  hats doffed

Slow Clap For The Daily Caller, Everybody. Slow. Clap.

We here at Your Wonket are rather singularly fair — shut up, yes we are — and so when even the most loathsome people (for instance, just as an example, the merry band of unreconstructed racists at Tucker Carlson’s Internet Hideaway For the Sociopathically Entitled) do something rather completely fucking awesome, we say so. And so The Daily Caller continues in its rather brilliant advice series with “Ask A Daily Caller Commenter.” Read more on Slow Clap For The Daily Caller, Everybody. Slow. Clap….