Tag Archives: tucker carlson

  Homo-nazis will have to destroy North Carolina later too busy trying to find a place to pee

Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It

Last night, the Southern town of Charlotte, North Carolina, did a real big stupid, failing to pass an anti-discrimination ordinance that would add LGBT people to the list of protected groups. Wingnut opponents of the ordinance, of course, were most worried about the possibility that somewhere, somehow, a transgender person might be out there responding to the call of nature, and not even ashamed of themselves for it. This is an outrage, because how dare they, despite what you have heard in children’s books, NOT EVERYBODY POOPS, especially not transgender people! Read more on Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It…
  Stop dick-checking everybody in the bathroom TUCKER

Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?

This piece has been UPDATED, because this is a post about Tucker Carlson being creepy about transgender people in bathrooms, and we are smacking ourselves on the face and on the bottom, because we forgot to talk about that in the context of the time Tucker panicked and beat up a gay in the bathroom at Georgetown, we are A Idiot and We Are Fired! More on that icky story in a moment. Read more on Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?…
  a greeter in every camp

Fox’s John Stossel Will Turn Over All Disaster Relief To Our Benevolent Walmart Overlords

always with the props, dude
Insipid Libertarian Mario Brother John Stossel once again showed why he sits at the Smart Kids’ table on Fox News trips to Dave & Busters’. Speaking to Frozen Meatloaf scion Tucker Carlson, Stossel made the case that we’d all be much better off with a government small enough to drown in a bathtub, especially if our compassionate brothers and sisters at Walmart Inc. were tabbed to be first responders for all future drownings. Read more on Fox’s John Stossel Will Turn Over All Disaster Relief To Our Benevolent Walmart Overlords…
  never mind

Obamacare Fails To Ruin Another Person’s Life And Fox News Is ON IT

looking...for...unicorn
How is Obamacare ruining your life today? Fox News host Tucker Carlson thinks that he knows how Obamacare is ruining your life if you live in Colorado, let’s see if he is correct! Colorado’s health care exchange, Connect for Health Colorado, glitched out last week and cancelled the health insurance of 3,600 Coloradans who went on the state’s exchange to shop for another plan. Tucker Carlson invited perfect Fox News victim Steven Roussel, an articulate white guy, to describe the absolute horror of this bureaucratic glitch, or, as Tucker Carlson put it, “Kafka comes to Colorado!” Indeed! Tell us more, Steven Roussel: Read more on Obamacare Fails To Ruin Another Person’s Life And Fox News Is ON IT…
  Do You Love America Enough? You Probably Don't Love America Enough

Fox News Explains How American Snipers Saved India From Saddam Hussein

And is India even grateful that we saved them from Saddam Hussein? No they are not.
In case you missed it, the latest litmus test for whether you Love America Enough is whether you are an enthusiastic supporter of the movie American Sniper, which you have to love or you are a hater. You see, Michael Moore said unkind things about the movie’s glorification of snipers, who are the kindest, bravest, warmest most wonderful Americans you’ve never seen because they are invisible like ninjas, and therefore The Entire Left hates America all over again, and now it is the sacred duty of all rightwing media to RAGESCREAM AT THE AMERICA HATERS WHO HATE CHRIS KYLE PERSONALLY AND ARE PISSING ON OUR BOYS’ GRAVES. Read more on Fox News Explains How American Snipers Saved India From Saddam Hussein…
  insert your own ball joke

Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls

We were doing our goddamned level best not to care about or pay attention to the sportsball controversy some moron decided to call Deflategate, because everything needs a fucking “-gate” suffix, because every-fucking-thing is just like Richard Nixon ratfucking the country. Whenever the conversation at our happy hour/cocktail party/coke-fueled orgy turned to the subject of whether Tom Brady had deflated his footballs to give his football team some sort of advantage or another over the opposing football team, our response was always the same: Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  A Sojourner In A Strange Land. A Very Strange Land

Obama Said Words From The Bible, Is That Even Allowed?

He's stealing our worship words!
Newest Rightwing Butthurt: In his speech on immigration reform, Traitor Usurper Friend Of Lawbreakers Barack Hussein Obama, who never mentions Jesus on Easter or Christmas, actually referenced the Bible, and now that’s a terrible thing. As part of his address, Obama said, Read more on Obama Said Words From The Bible, Is That Even Allowed?…
  Dumb and dumber

Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow

S-M-R-T
You almost (relax, we said almost) have to pity Ann Coulter, the once semi-relevant “author” and “columnist” whose brand was being The Hot Conservative Chick, with the long blonde hair and little black dresses — oh, and the obnoxious things she’s always willing to say to get her name in the paper. She used to have slightly more pull on the Wingnut Welfare Circuit, before the greatest lady grifter of all time snowdrifted down to the lower 48 to seize The Hot Conservative Chick crown with her Neiman Marcus wardrobe and her starburst-inspiring winking, pretty much permanently putting baby Ann in a corner. (Coulter’s various dalliances with voter fraud — actual voter fraud — certainly didn’t help her reputation.) Read more on Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow…
  Both Sides Don't Actually Do it

It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)

That's one way to celebrate an anniversary
Can you believe that it’s been exactly 10 years (OK, yesterday) since Jon Stewart went on CNN’s Crossfire and told Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson (who still wore a bowtie at the time) that their show was “hurting America”? Read more on It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)…
  Won't someone PLEASE think of the children's cartoons?

Tucker Carlson Will Not ‘Bate To Wonder Woman Any More. Thanks Obama.

The liberals stole his pipe
Is there nothing sacred that liberals won’t destroy with their liberal liberalism like a bunch of liberal liberals? No, of course not, that’s a stupid question, back of the classroom for you, and don’t forget your dunce cap. Read more on Tucker Carlson Will Not ‘Bate To Wonder Woman Any More. Thanks Obama….
  Your morning cup of wut?

Republicans Are Terrible At The Internet, PolitiFact Kills Irony, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Good morning, sunshines! Want to know what you missed while you were sleeping? Too bad, we’re going to tell you anyway. Republicans are terrible at the internet. TERRIBLE. And now they have a real hip new video game, circa 1981, to really show them Democrats what’s what. And yes, it’s Atari-compatible. We think. Read more on Republicans Are Terrible At The Internet, PolitiFact Kills Irony, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  once you see you can't unsee

Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He’d Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle

So earlier in the World Cup (sportsball! woo!) there was a girl that was apparently the most beautiful-est sportsball fan, and she got offered a hair modeling contract with L’Oreal. But then she posted a super cool photo on her Facebook account posing with a gazelle she had shot on a big game hunting trip. This made people sad, and when people get sad on the Internet, they yell at companies that are making them sad, so L’Oreal made her contract go away. This, in turn, made Tucker Carlson and his posse of stupid very mad and very sad. Read more on Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He’d Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle…
  an actual conspiracy for a change

The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists

You may or may not remember the story about New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez allegedly doing sex with prostitutes, whom he then didn’t even pay, and then later it was claimed that the hookers were underaged, even. Hahaha, of course you remember it — you read Wonket, and are perforce a salacious-minded weirdo, gods bless you! It was a really big deal in late 2012 when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller broke it, and then a few months later the Associated Press reported that in reality, the ladies of negotiable affection were paid by an attorney to make the whole thing up. And so we felt better about Robert Menendez, because ALWAYS PAY YOUR HOOKER. And now, we get this Big Deal Update from the Washington Post: The whole story appears to have been planted by Cuban intelligence agents. Is it petty of us to think that the real takeaway is less that a U.S. Senator was almost ruined by Cuban spies than that Tucker Carlson and chipmunk-faced boy reporter Matthew Boyle got punked by those same Cuban spies? We can live with that. Read more on The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists…
  they're not racist the dictionary is racist

Now The Daily Caller Is Mad At The Dictionary For Calling It Racist

The Daily Caller — Tucker Carlson’s Internet home for upright citizens who love killing black children, and what on earth could be wrong with that? — googled the word “bigotry.” Why? Why do cows fart? Wrote Wonket BFF and Daily Caller scribe Betsy Rothstein, Google has an odd way of looking at “bigotry.” When you punch in the word “bigotry” into the Google search engine, here’s what you’ll find. Betsy then included a picture of a Google search result, which read, “bigoted attitudes; intolerance toward those who hold different opinions than oneself. ‘The report reveals racism and right-wing bigotry.'” Then Betsy had some questions! Interesting. Why is “right-wing” a correlation to bigotry? Why is bigotry a descriptor to “right-wing?” Then she answered them! The definition seems to come directly from the Oxford Dictionary, where the example sentence is used verbatim. HOW DARE THE DICTIONARY. Let’s do some more googling, for Betsy, and science! Read more on Now The Daily Caller Is Mad At The Dictionary For Calling It Racist…
  asleep at the wheel

Human Weasel Tucker Carlson Not Sure You Should Go To Jail For Something As Silly As Killing Someone

It’s been ten seconds since Tucker Carlson said something dickish, so time had really come for it to happen again. It’s like the man simply can’t resist being an asshole, no matter what the topic. He’s an all-purpose asshole. He’s the Comet cleaner of assholes. You are likely aware that Tracy Morgan was injured when a semi truck driver allegedly fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into Morgan’s tour bus, killing one passenger and leaving Morgan and others in critical condition. The driver’s been charged with one count of death by vehicle, but Tucker’s just not so sure that falling asleep and killing someone is a big deal. Did we mention Tucker Carlson is an asshole? Read more on Human Weasel Tucker Carlson Not Sure You Should Go To Jail For Something As Silly As Killing Someone…
  welcome to post-racial america

Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming

You know what’s wonderful? Living in a post-racial America, where everyone is judged based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. For example: Tucker Carlson is a dick not because of his race, but because he is a cosmic turd wrapped in leaking anal polyps sent here to punish us for some unknown sin. Hell, racism is so far in The Past that John Roberts and SCOTUS said we don’t need no stinkin Voting Rights Act. But apparently Tennessee never got the memo: Read more on Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming…
  when derp attacks

Philosopher King Tucker Carlson Thinks There’s No Such Thing As Statutory Rape For Boys

We were trying to remember if Tucker Carlson is a worthless douchebag or a complete sociopath, and then we remembered we didn’t need to choose, especially when he gives us such gems as “there’s no such thing as statutory rape for underage guys because because because.” First, though, some important questions: When did Tucker stop wearing bow ties? And when did his head get kinda swole? Is Tucker juicing? One’s head does not usually literally increase in size in adulthood. Must be all that hate and derp he’s packing on. Where were we? Oh yeah, listening to Tucker prattle on about statutory rape and remembering that we are not paid nearly well enough for this gig. Read more on Philosopher King Tucker Carlson Thinks There’s No Such Thing As Statutory Rape For Boys…
  no justice no peace

Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much

Remember back in January how unstoppable tyrant Barack Obama and his evil minion Eric Holder threw filmmaker and pretend smart person Dinesh D’Souza in a gulag for the terrible crime of not loving Obama and for believing in free speech and being an all-around hero? And Dinesh was all like “trumped up charges blah blah blah did I mention I made a film I will fight this to the death”? Looks like some of Obama’s goons got to noble Dinesh, because today he pleaded guilty to one of the charges — a criminal count of making illegal contributions in the names of others. It looks like the plea allows him to skate on the other charge of making false statements. Read more on Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much…
  #RIPpatriarchy

Male ‘Journalist’ Tucker Carlson Sad There Are No Male Journalists Because Jill Abramson Murdered Them All

Since the suspiciously ungracious and despicably cruel firing of Jill Abramson, the first female executive editor of the New York Times — apparently for no reason other than because she was a “pushy” “mercurial” “polarizing” “brusque” beeeyotch who twice hurt an otherwise super chill dude’s feelings so bad he had to punch a wall, but it’s okay now because the Times ding-donged that witch and gave her job to Mr. Chill Dude — there have been many excellent analyses of what happened at the Times. Like what an inspiration she was to the other women who worked at the Times. And how shocking and discouraging it is that she was fired in the way that she was, unlike, say, former editor Howell Raines, who was given a pretty darned nice send off when he was fired. Or how we will never really know whether and how much sexism played a role in how she was treated, perceived, and ultimately fired. There are many excellent points out there, made by excellent people who are very smart and wise. And then there is Tucker Carlson, who is “enjoying the heck out of this story.” Because he is a dick. Read more on Male ‘Journalist’ Tucker Carlson Sad There Are No Male Journalists Because Jill Abramson Murdered Them All…