Man sneaks tiny monkey through security at Florida airport; al Qaeda begins diabolical plans to recruit thousands of tiny monkeys, outfit them with adorable itty-bitty dynamite vests. [WTOP]

Hey, remember when the TSA discovered people traveling with cheese and wires and declared it to be signs of terrorist dry runs? But then it turns out that they weren’t? Well, now we’re going to make extra sure that they aren’t. Gaming nerds will think twice before they bring their precious Nintendo Wiis and XBox 360s and PlayStation Whatevers onto airplanes in their carry-on bags, because now they’re going to have to fish them out and put them on the conveyor belt at the security checkpoint, just like you have to do with your laptop! MORE »

Remember how last week we were all being terrorized at our airports by al-Qaeda sympathizers sneaking cheese bombs onto airplanes? Oh, and duct taped ice packs? Turns out that story was complete bullshit. On Saturday morning, CNN admitted that the “terrorist dry runs” they warned about last Wednesday were made up. “Just kidding,” said anchor T.J. Holmes. That’s right, just fucking kidding. He actually said that. MORE »

Last week the TSA sent an advisory to law enforcement offices across the country warning them that recent suspicious activity could be part of a terrorist dry run. The incidents range from deadly duct tape-wrapped ice packs to bizarre pepperjack bombs like the one pictured above, confiscated from a Baltimore couple. MORE »

* Alberto Gonzales is pretty sure his only “mistake” was not squashing dissenting attorneys beneath his ostrich skin boot heel. [WP, NYT, WSJ, LAT]
* Iraq withdrawal “showdown” starts today in Senate, Republicans confident that, “President Bush is still popular and his Iraq strategy is popular.” [WP, NYT]
* 9/11 security reforms passed by Senate yesterday face White House veto on grounds that TSA employees must have only one (1) pot to piss in, no more. [WP, NYT]
* Democrats on the lookout for $800 billion to cover, you know, “a health-insurance program for children, public education, veterans’ health care and local police.” [WP, NYT]
* Your buddy with the really hot condo is killing the economy. [WP, LAT]
* Pretend like you haven’t heard this one before: DC voting rights bills starts in House. [WP]

Al Gore: former Vice President, Oscar-winner, puffy cartoon voice actor… terrorist? That’s the question we’re forced to ask after learning that he tried his damnedest to sneak onto a flight in Tennessee without going through the proper security screening. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Power went out at Ritz-Carlton apartments, leaving Frank Lautenberg panicking in the darkness until he managed to stumble to a hotel. Harry Reid was fine, as he was aided in the darkness by mystical Mormon superpowers… Guilty-pleading former Ney aide Neil Volz was partying with journos earlier this month. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: ANGELINA JOLIE IS GOING TO JOIN THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS WTF. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: The TSA made Riane Rehm spray perfume onto her contacts. Hospitalization ensued… Shaq, Pat Riley both loooove Bush. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: John Kerry apparently sonned a Swift Boat donor during a Foreign Relations Committee hearing [WP]
* Shenanigans: Ted Stevens swings into action, unloads baggage from the carousel at the airport. [Politico]

A brave stewardess has been trying to expose a terrible terrorist jet-toilet conspiracy, but airline pilots, TSA air marshals and federal law enforcement agents just laugh at her crusade.

It all started when she was tidying up the bathroom in the coach section of a 757 flying across the country in February 2005 — and if you believe a stewardess would actually clean up the filthy coach lavatory en route, you’ll likely believe the rest of this weirdo story. All is revealed, after the jump.

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Sure, we may be living in a police state where some 350,000 people are on a “no fly list” for reasons they aren’t allowed to know, but at least we can laugh at the plight of Catherine Stevens. MORE »

In our brave new era of Imperial Stormtroopers marching in the Rose Bowl Parade and people put in prison forever for no reason, it’s no surprise that the Supreme Court declined to get involved in the 9th Circuit’s refusal to reveal the secret invisible law that requires us to show I.D. at the airport. MORE »

Because the Homeland Security bureaucrats are always plotting against Americans and our precious freedoms, a lack of crazy terrorist make-believe schemes in the news does not mean air travel should suddenly be anything but a miserable nightmare. MORE »