tsa
Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had [...]
How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in [...]
America’s second-most favorite whackadoodle ex-governor Jesse Ventura (whose crazy gave Minnesota such a hangover it then elected Tim Pawlenty) managed to gather enough bored reporters together to formally announce that he tragically lost his important lawsuit trying to get the government to quit letting TSA agents touch his nuts all the time. In revenge, he [...]
Have you been celebrating the tenth anniversary of the Transportation Security Administration? We sure have! We’ve been doing all kinds of crazy stuff, like feeling up old cripples and making babies take their shoes off and doing the Naked X-Ray on some crying nuns and pouring out little kids’ milk and sticking our hands into [...]
Airport psychic Janet Napolitano was listening to the planes go by from the food court, staring into her magic crystal homeland security ball, when she heard a Voice from the Future! It said, “Keep your shoes on, America.” Air travelers will eventually be able to keep their shoes on to pass through security, but the [...]
Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of [...]
TSA pat-downs have somehow become libertarian wingnuts’ favorite new “alien anal probe of death” conspiracy cause, which means they will march around and make demands, to the government, libertarians asking their government for things, and tell the dang government to go do something about it. The Florida Libertarian Party spent its July Fourth weekend writing [...]
It is Election Season, which means that every legislative agenda item across America is now required to pointlessly pander to everyone’s weirdest fears by passing laws against stupid things like “saying Sharia Law while riding an escalator” or “explaining to children that gay people exist.” But Texas, because it is Bigger at Everything, wants to [...]
Harry Reid made a special cameo appearance in Carson City yesterday, where he spoke to the Nevada legislature and “an audience that included a legal brothel owner, legal prostitutes and the legal industry’s state lobbyist.” How did Harry Reid win over his whore-loving audience? Perhaps he flattered them with his world-famous compliments? (“It’s a great [...]
The two most important parts of a lady, on the body of one of our finest actors. Nothing to joke about. [screengrab via Wonkette operative "Tim H."]
Everybody’s favorite airport moment is when you get to play “TSA coed strip poker webcam,” amiright? First the shoes and belts come off. Then you must unzip your computer bag and place your bulging hard-drive on the conveyor belt (sex escalator). After this, you get to pose naked for the fat guy sitting behind the [...]
The Wonkbot was just kicking it old-style at its tacky lakefront tract McMansion up in some snowbilly suburb by the Taco Bell and Big Lots! and Home Depot and army recruiting strip mall shop and then the Wonkbot thought, “People somewhere are doing a Jew Blood Libel on me!” So here is the “state of [...]
It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with [...]
You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano [...]
How bad are things out there this evening, terror-wise? Super bad! In Florida, there is an orange alligator loose. Who would make such a monster? No god we know, that is for sure. Not in America. Also, in the most American fast food place (Baja Fresh) in some mall in some Arizona turd town, a [...]
