We have seen this service before, this thingy that counts how many times a person said this word or that word, and it is interesting how John McCain says “love” more than Barack Obama, and Obama says “war” more than McCain. But the real story, as tipster Whitney notes, is that neither of them have ever let the words “truck nutz” escape their lips. They are running for president of America, you know! [Speech Wars]

At about the 7-minute mark in this clip from yesterday’s Meet the Press, Joe Lieberman nervously clears his throat and giggles that John McCain has not had any sexual reassignment surgery (that we know of!) and he “remains all male. There’s no question about that.” However, it is a known fact that 98 percent of Republican male candidates have their human testicles removed and replaced with TRUCK NUTZ. What is John McCain hiding? [Meet the Press/YouTube]

We asked you to come up with the new D.C. Cocktail of the Now, and good jesus did you people respond. There were a hundred or so actual drink recipes submitted in the comments, and your editors painstakingly tested them all in our elaborate Experimental Bar. The winning choice — with small adjustments by Wonkette and mixologist Scott L of the new Asian Spice restaurant in Chinatown — will amuse your brain, delight your senses and, most importantly, fuck you up. MORE »

You people make us proud. Here is the “Big Sale On Truck Nutz” quiz team in the “Geeks Who Drink” competition at some bar, we think in Colorado. “My team was named in your honor,” reports Wonkette operative Seth H. “We didn’t win, but we did come in last place, hurray! Intentionally! Because last place gets you the same free round as first place.” And that’s exactly how the Electoral College works, too! [Geeks Who Drink]

So yeah, apparently the Hays code or whatever prevents you from saying “nuts” on the teevee unless you mean “crazy” or “consumable food items that come in shells.” So if you are Wolf Blitzer, you rattle on about the horrifying crudity of a particular phrase that Jesse Jackson uttered, and then you make all your guests kind of stumble around awkwardly about “things only a man would have,” so that Americans everywhere turn to each other and ask, “Is he talking about cum rags?” [236.com]

God, David Brooks is a sap. His new terrible column is addressed to God — “God, Republicans are saps.” — and then it drags out some tortured split-personality analogy (”Dr. Barack” and, uh, “Fast Eddie”) that is supposed to suggest that Hopeful Obama is also an ambitious politician and may be “in it to win it.” MORE »

[Why would we take this down? It was funny too!]

You all should be ashamed of yourselves. We showed you the nice website called Country Above Self that appropriately lists “Phony Soldiers” as death traitors to America, and you go and inflate the score of Danny Glover, the b-list actor. Obviously everyone was supposed to nominate Truck Nutz. [Country Above Self]

[Hey comical idiots, we'd never take this post down!]

Yes, we get many nutty e-mails, and sometimes when we open them they link to the best websites in the world. One recent example is Country Above Self, which runs this tag line: “Celebrating Patriots and Exposing Traitors.” You can nominate and rank America’s greatest patriots (still living) and its worst liberal socialist traitors (their souls are always dead). It’s everything the Internet has always wanted. MORE »

Ooh looky it’s another Kustomized Kampaign Trinket for you, the reader! For just $250, you can show the world that YOUR NAME totally supports JOHN MCCAIN. But are there any names or phrases that Gramps McCain won’t accept on his Prideful Outdoor Banners?

We encounter this stern warning: “Demeaning or derogatory names or phrases are not acceptable.”

Ken L.
hahahahaha so no “RUN NEGRO RUN”?
Sara S.
no “Truck Nutz for John McCain”
Ken L.
Oh he would only notice really old-fashioned derogatory names and phrases.
Jim N.
no, that is acceptable for mccain
Ken L.
So, no BALDERDASH banners
Jim N.
yeah, not even the TINIEST picture of a lady’s ankle!
Ken L.
RAPSCALLIONS MOST UNWELCOME!

Personalized McCain Outdoor Banner [JohnMcCain.com]

Oh she’s just asking for it this time. This is our way of saying, “No.” [Hillary Clinton]

FLORIDA IS FOR COW-SEXING: The Florida state legislature closed its 2008 session last Friday, but was unable to ban either Truck Nutz or, less importantly, bestiality before the closing bells. [Tampa Bay Online]