SCUMDUGGERY: Oh so now there’s another investigation into Sarah Palin’s Troopergate, and this one argues that the other one (by the Alaska state legislature) was wrong and that Palin didn’t abuse her office by obsessively trying to get her ex-brother-in-law fired, and then trying to fire some other cop. Oh but new crime alert: She probably did a bunch of illegal shit with official e-mail. Mavericky! [New York Times/ADN]

• McCain’s wife-swapping stunt: Will it work? [Princess Sparkle Pony]
• Add $13 thousand in makeup per month—a sum that could buy several, if not many, lipsticks—to Sarah Palin’s $700 billion fashion bailout. [The Sleuth]
• White supremacists are getting so bored of all their Nazi regalia, which means the RNC should give them $150k to go to Neiman’s too. [Fresh Intelligence]
• Al-Qaeda says it will support J. Hussein McCain in the election and hinted that there might be Terror (or allusions to such) to help him win. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Well, well look who’s suddenly so particular about the intended meanings of words corresponding to their usage! It’s Palin! She hates the name “Trooper-Gate” and would prefer that you refer to her gross abuses of power by their Christian name: “Taser-Gate.” [The Caucus]
• Your teevee can tell all your despicable partisan biases based on whether you like that show about the monster trucks jumping over sharks or that show about how ice storms prevent men from driving monster trucks on fishing trips. [Top of the Ticket]
  

• Use Obama’s math machine to calculate numbers ‘n such that relate to how many Saltines and cigarettes you can afford to steal, once you’re a hobo. [Ben Smith]
• Some dude at a theoretical Obama rally may have called erratic lying warmonger John McCain a “liar” and a “warmonger.”  [Marc Ambinder]
• Sarah Palin’s ex-brother-in-law, “Trooper” of Troopergate fame, used to run over wolves with his snowmobile and eat their entrails, for sport. And for laughs. [Daily Kos]
• October Surprise! The stars of the tween veterinary hospital docu-drama Gossip Girl shot a teevee ad about how many trucker hats they own in honor of Barack Obama. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Oh god someone named a newborn “Sarah McCain Palin.” This baby will never stop crying — nor should it. [Jonathan Martin]
• Someone yelled “louder” at Palin during a speech. But the screeching of the wind blowing through her sad, empty head was deafening, so what’s a gal to do except to yell back that dammit, this person should respect America’s veterans. [Crooks and Liars]

So what’s the deal, is this gal a rotten crook? Will the Obama wolves throw her in the slammer with her corrupt robber friends? Lil’ impeachment action? We don’t know, you’ll have to ask Jeffrey Toobin or his rich lawyer commentator friends. The point: in 25 days, she’ll return to governing a state where everyone hates her slimy guts. [Anchorage Daily News, Report PDF]

READ FASTER, YOU FILTHY BUMS: Hey, remember how the Troopergate report was supposed to come out today, and how it could be grand? Well there’s a slight technical problem in Alaska that’s causing some delay: illiteracy. You know, “not reading good.” These lawmaker fairies on a legislative council in Alaska are meeting to vote on whether or not to release the full 263-page report to the public, and they are taking their goddamn TIME parsing that thing. Surely there’s a Cliff’s Notes or something?? Just hurry, con sarn it. This Friday night news isn’t going to dump itself. UPDATE: “The Legislative Council just voted 12-0 to release the report, excerpt for certain parts they consider confidential.” And now we will wait another seventeen years for reporters to read it. [Anchorage Daily News]

The First Lady of Alaska, Todd Palin, delivered a sworn statement about his role in “Troopergate” to investigators after an IN-THE-TANK Alaskan judge made him do so. In the testimony, Todd admits that he pushed for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS or so to get his ex-brother-in-law fired from the Police Force — but that his wife did not fire public safety commissioner Walt Monegan because of his refusal to do so. Todd claims that his wife fired Monegan because Monegan kept telling her to put baby Trig in car seats, and also something about “travelling to the Bush.” Hell is going on here? MORE »

Here’s something fun to look forward to, this Friday, other than the End of Capitalism and Electricity or whatever: There’s going to be a fun report on that legal investigation into Sarah Palin’s “abuse of power” in Alaska, when she fired all her sister’s rape victims or something. Troopergate! Nobody knows what it’s about, other than Governor Palin is some cheap crook who has many enemies — mostly the ex-husbands of her white-trash family members — and she destroys their lives by taking away their jobs. Way to fight for the little people, Maverickita! [Crooks & Liars]

Sarah Palin has been governor for such a short time that she’s only got a few dozen scandals to her name, and the one America loves best is called “Troopergate,” because, hey, -gate! MORE »

Goddammit we have been trying to maintain a tone of respectful civility here, issuing all sorts of grim edicts about how nobody is allowed to say things about the orifices of a certain candidate for high public office because it is just gross and wrong, and then MARK MURRAY writes this thing about a frigging PROBE and what are we supposed to do, ignore it? First Read is in the tank for the sex toy industry. [First Read]

For further proof of just how bumblefuck a state Alaska is, look no further than the ease with which a couple of lawyers for the McCain campaign have destroyed the Troopergate investigation — which was a legitimate issue in Alaska for a while! — after half-assedly skimming off a few handy topic sentences from the Alaskan law code. Todd Palin and several other witnesses were subpoenaed to testify this morning, but no one bothered to show up, and the investigators don’t give a shit. And now the Alaskan legislator in charge of the investigation has announced that the probe will end, as originally scheduled, on October 10, without these key witness reports, cuz whatcha gonna do? MORE »

PASSWORD WAS ‘LIPSTICK_PIG’: Oh hey, like every other Republican official in America, Sarah Palin tried to hide her dirty work (and stupid family pictures) by using free Yahoo email accounts. And the HAX0RZ got in there, and our friends at Gawker saved the stuff before it was deleted! (This, for example, is the only known photograph of that poor baby awake/alive.) Oh and probably Dan Rather/Karl Rove faked it all to SHAME OBAMA. [Gawker]