Tag Archives: trials

  Cops of Cocktober

Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers

What up Philadelphia? Just all being the City of Brotherly Love, right? And what is more brotherly or loverly than Philadelphia cops busting into an abandoned house on a drug raid only to find some dude and his chick, high on speedballs and love, about to have sex? What to do? Well, if you are Joseph Harvey of the Philadelphia PD, right before arresting the lady you find there, you make her get all the way naked whilst you make a withdrawal from the spank-bank. Empty your gun barrel? Have a date with Palmela Handerson. Take Captain Solo on the Kessel Run? Okay, you masturbate. Onto the pants of the lady you are supposed to be arresting, because you are the good guy and she is the bad guy. Read more on Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers…
  dumping the big contract

Jared Loughner Traded To San Diego, Exciting San Diego Murder Trial Fans

Jared Lee Loughner, 22, is charged in federal court in Arizona, but court officials plan to move the case out of the state within several weeks, the sources said. They cited publicity and the sensitivity of the case in Arizona, where one of those fatally shot was John M. Roll, the state’s chief federal judge. […] Read more on Jared Loughner Traded To San Diego, Exciting San Diego Murder Trial Fans…
  cutting the cord

Army Birther Changes Mind About Birth Certificate, Now Wants To Deploy

Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, the Army doctor who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to STANDING UP FOR PRESIDENTIAL BIRTH CERTIFICATES, has now told the jury he was wrong to disobey his order to deploy to Afghanistan, and he wishes to deploy now. It’s funny how the black man running the country suddenly is an American citizen when this birther is faced with jail time. Haha, just kidding, Obama still is An Illegal; Lakin simply used the wrong venue to let people know about it. “I was wrong for trying to push this issue within the Army,” he said. Yes, that’s rather difficult to do when your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss is the man in question. Read more on Army Birther Changes Mind About Birth Certificate, Now Wants To Deploy…
  popular recording artists

Listen To All Your Favorite Rod Blagojevich iTunes!

As part of his corruption trial, professional entertainer Rod Blagojevich has been appearing at Chicago’s Federal Courthouse Bar & Lounge all month to revisit some of his greatest recordings — including “I’ve Got This Thing, and It’s Fucking Golden,” his definitive hit. To capitalize on all the Blago-related excitement, the Chicago Tribune is posting the ex-governor’s greatest work along with lesser-known demos and home recordings and even handy lyrics sheets, as they’re shared with the court. Copies of his “royalty checks” are posted there, too! Read more on Listen To All Your Favorite Rod Blagojevich iTunes!…
  upcoming legal events

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed And His 9/11 Friends Are Coming To New York For Trials And Death

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, or KSM—the most troubling acronym since “MILF”—and four friends will be transferred from Gitmo to New York, where they will be tried in a federal court for being in charge of 9/11. Eric Holder says that prosecutors will seek the death penalty. Reports the WSJ: “The prisoners won’t be transferred for weeks because of a law requiring at least 45 days notice to Congress before prisoner transfer from Guantanamo. Once brought to the U.S., the detainees will be held at the federal prison in New York.” This makes Khalid Sheikh Mohammed the only person in the past ten years to move to New York and not live in Brooklyn. [Wall Street Journal] Read more on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed And His 9/11 Friends Are Coming To New York For Trials And Death…
  doesn't hurt to ask

Alaska Republicans Want Special Election, For Ted Stevens

Ha ha wasn’t it funny how Ted Stevens probably could have won back his Senate seat in Alaska if he hadn’t been found guilty in his corruption trial, but then he was found guilty, and he lost, and then Eric Holder threw the case away yesterday because the prosecution had mishandled it? Cool story. And now the Republican party of Alaska has called for Sen. Mark Begich to resign so that he can run against Stevens in a special election, for fairness. Hmm let’s think about that NO. [Fox News] Read more on Alaska Republicans Want Special Election, For Ted Stevens…
  this guy again

Blago’s Head Attorney Quits, Because Client Is Insane

Attorney Edward Genson has abruptly quit his role leading the Gov. Blago defense team two days before the idiot’s impeachment trial begins in the Illinois Senate. Instead of listing the standard “personal reasons” or a professional conflict of interest, Genson cites that JESUS CHRIST HOW DO YOU WORK WITH THIS IDIOT: “I never require a client to do what I say, but I do require them to at least listen.” Read more on Blago’s Head Attorney Quits, Because Client Is Insane…
  uncle ted's expensive cabin

Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!

Uncle Ted Stevens, the elderly fraud who “gets hysterical when he has to spend his own money,” will soon be going to trial for various lies related to the renovation of his Alaskan Sex Cabin in the wilds of Girdwood. The good people of the Alaska Wilderness Political Fund will be liveblogging the whole agonizing ordeal, from jury selection to the part where Ted Stevens snaps on the witness stand and declares “This whole court’s out of order!” and gets wheeled off for shock treatments while his Inuit pal throws a marble wash station out the window. Catch it all here. [A Bridge to Justice] Read more on Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!…
  trooper pooper

‘Troopergate’ Investigation To Wrap Up Before Anyone Involved Testifies

For further proof of just how bumblefuck a state Alaska is, look no further than the ease with which a couple of lawyers for the McCain campaign have destroyed the Troopergate investigation — which was a legitimate issue in Alaska for a while! — after half-assedly skimming off a few handy topic sentences from the Alaskan law code. Todd Palin and several other witnesses were subpoenaed to testify this morning, but no one bothered to show up, and the investigators don’t give a shit. And now the Alaskan legislator in charge of the investigation has announced that the probe will end, as originally scheduled, on October 10, without these key witness reports, cuz whatcha gonna do? Read more on ‘Troopergate’ Investigation To Wrap Up Before Anyone Involved Testifies…
 

CIA: Couldn’t Prevent 9/11, But Great With Spirit Gum

After years in a Navy brig, Jose Padilla is now being tried and given a chance to confront his accusers. For certain limited definitions of “confront.” The C.I.A. wants an agent to testify in disguise and use a fake name at a terrorism trial to protect his identity and secret agency sites in Afghanistan, papers filed on Thursday said. … The agent would wear “a wig, eyeglasses or minor facial hair” but would not block others in the courtroom from measuring his “demeanor and credibility,” prosecutors said in the filing. Read more on CIA: Couldn’t Prevent 9/11, But Great With Spirit Gum…
 

Novak: Ha ha ha ha ha, I Got Off Scot-Free

Today’s Robert Novak column, summarized: * Paragraph one: Haha stupid stupid jury. * Graf two: Haha stupid stupid Harry Reid. * Graf three: Haha stupid stupid liberals. * Graf four: Why don’t you go cry about it stupid liberals? * Graf five: I did this! Me! Robert Novak! * Graf six: No regrets! * Graf seven: I’m fucking invincible! * Graf eight: [Hoarse cackling] * Graf nine: Stop snitchin’. * Graf ten: Where is your god now? * Graf eleven: I am the lord of hellfire. Read more on Novak: Ha ha ha ha ha, I Got Off Scot-Free…
 

Scooter Libby: The Final Nail in Journalism’s Coffin

How did one jerkoff with a goofy nickname kill an American Institution? Well, waiting until it had been thoroughly debased didn’t hurt. And he had help: Tim Russert, Judy Miller, and a whole ragtag gang of media whores successfully defanged the first amendment with him. The New York Times today quotes about a dozen media experts and journalism professors saying variations on “the Libby trial is over — begun the clone wars have,” then trashing the journos who got us into this mess: Read more on Scooter Libby: The Final Nail in Journalism’s Coffin…
 

BREAKING: BUSH MAYBE WON’T PARDON LIBBY

No, it’s true, he said something noncommittal about it! “First of all, this was a lengthy trial on a serious matter, and a jury of his peers convicted him,” Mr. Bush said in a brief interview with CNN En Español. “And we’ve got to respect that conviction.” Read more on BREAKING: BUSH MAYBE WON’T PARDON LIBBY…
 

We Will Not Rest Until Scooter is Free

Do you enjoy winning things? Specifically things you can wear? Then head over to Al Kamen’s “In the Loop” column ASAP: he’s giving away t-shirts! All you have to do is guess the date when George W. Bush will pardon Irve “Scooter” Libby. It could happen anywhere between now and the end of the Bush presidency, basically. So send in your guesses by March 14! To him, not to us. We’re not giving you shit. Mostly because we’re betting Bush will surprise everyone and order Libby’s immedate public execution some time around the next November sweeps. Read more on We Will Not Rest Until Scooter is Free…
 

Libby Jury Made Up of Idiots

The more we learn about the Libby jury, the more we hope we’re never tried by a jury of his peers. From the post-it notes asking “what are the charges again?” to their stupid Valentine’s Day shirts (the one lady with enough sense to avoid that awkward mess was kicked off the jury), it’s been apparent for weeks that Scooter Libby’s fate would be decided by a white-collar DC Apple Dumpling Gang. Trying to convince us of the jury’s intelligence, Eric Lipton at the Times instead leaves us more confident than before of their idiocy. Relevant quotes and comments, after the jump. Read more on Libby Jury Made Up of Idiots…
 

The Scooter Libby Trial’s Real Winner

…is, of course, investigative reporter Murray Waas, who’ll be “editing and assembling” an INSTANT BOOK of the transcripts of the trial, according to a press release from Sterling Publishing. We, of course, will hold out for Slate’s comic book adaptation before pretending to care about this all again. Read more on The Scooter Libby Trial’s Real Winner…
 

EXCLUSIVE LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO: What Will Happen to Scooter?

When we said Scooter’d get 24 months earlier, how could we be so sure? Because, well, we asked a lawyer. And he responded with a billion words explaining, in great detail, precisely what will happen to Mr. Scooter Libby. Here’s the conclusion: The Judge will likely grant Scooter’s request to remain out for self-surrender, which usually means 6-10 weeks of freedom, but it’s a hell of a lot better than being taken into custody at sentencing and getting to the prison by way of a half dozen local jails along the way over a few weeks. Expect Scooter to also plea at sentencing that he’s got a drug or alchohol abuse history, allowing him to ask that he be ordered into the Residential Drug Abuse Program (often called the 500 Hour Program or RDAP) which will scrap off a few months of his sentence (6 to 12) and ensure that a few months more (usually 6) are spent in a halfway house rather than a prison. He also gets 54 days of good time credit for every 12 months served, he’ll be out in a little more than a year. The full explanation is after the jump. Though it’s all moot if Bush makes like his dad and pardons Scooter’s drunk ass. Read more on EXCLUSIVE LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO: What Will Happen to Scooter?…
 

How Long Will Scooter Libby’s Unjust Imprisonment Drag On?

Would you like to make money at home by using the life of a man you don’t even know as fodder for a cruel wager? Sure, we all would! Scooter Libby faces between 1.5-3 years in the federal pen for the crime of loving his job too much. A Wonkette operative says the smart money’s on 24 months. We won’t know until June 5, unfortunately, but trust us, we’re sticking by that number. Read more on How Long Will Scooter Libby’s Unjust Imprisonment Drag On?…
 

SCOOTER LIBBY: INNOCENT

…of one charge. That would be the false Statement to the FBI about his chat with Matt Cooper. Totally, 100% innocent. WE KNEW IT ALL ALONG, THIS ENTIRE TRIAL HAS BEEN A FARCE. Read more on SCOOTER LIBBY: INNOCENT…
 

Scooter Jury Down To 11, Mistrial Avoided … For Now

The mean old judge kicked one of the Libby jurors out of the trial this morning, because the Evil Juror somehow let her Camp X-Ray sensory deprivation full-head mask slip off for a moment and was immediately bombarded by Scooter news. Because the jury has been deliberating for a whole two-and-a-half days, everybody decided to not bring in an alternate juror — there are two alternates, just wasting away their lives — and proceed with the 11, because they’re just making this shit up as they go along. The question is, Who got kicked off the team? We’ve got the info, after the jump. Read more on Scooter Jury Down To 11, Mistrial Avoided … For Now…
 

Revealed: The Single Dorkiest Shirt Ever

That’s right, it’s a detailed diagram of the entire Plamegate conspiracy lovingly printed on a cheap white sleeveless men’s shirt. Order some for your friends! What did the President wear and where did he get it! Read more on Revealed: The Single Dorkiest Shirt Ever…
 

Daily Briefing: Sticks and Stoners

* Democratic Presidential candidates traipse across the country calling on each other to denounce things, people. [WP, NYT, LAT] * No one’s partying the night away in Chatta-vegas over President Bush’s tax-credit health insurance plan. [WP, NYT] * Prince Harry will play soldier for a while in Iraq before going back to a life of leisure he neither earned nor deserves! [AP] * Libby Trial’s focus on “the semantics of lying” totally screwing up chances for an Iran war. [WSJ] * So, apparently DHS operates 325 “immigrant detention centers.” They are also, apparently, shitty places to be detained. [NYT] * Loose coalition of “dudes on the couch” sues HHS and FDA for saying mean things about weed. [NYT] Read more on Daily Briefing: Sticks and Stoners…