Tag Archives: trent franks

  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  You know who else was just like Hitler?

2013’s Person Of The Year: Hitler, Who Was Just Like Hitler

Oh 2013, how we will miss you and your multitudes of bad analogies, even though we are pretty sure 2014 will bring us even more bad analogies, because America is awful and Americans are awful, and it is now standard practice to compare anything you do not like to really bad stuff and/or really bad people. Like Hitler. (Or, on occasion, if you’re feeling creative, Rwanda.) The Republicans’ government shutdown this year was basically like the Battle of Gettysburg. Why? Because! A similar trend this year is to compare horribly awful terrible people who do horribly awful terrible things to great heroes who did great things because why not? Like, the Duck Dynasty dude is like Rosa Parks. Why? Because! (See also Ted Nugent, who is like Rosa Parks, according to Ted Nugent.) And of course Rick Santorum is just like Nelson Mandela, in that Rick Santorum is trying to destroy health care and Nelson Mandela gave his country health care, but if you forget that Santorum is doing the opposite of what Mandela did, they’re basically exactly the same guy. You can’t even tell them apart! But nothing tops the bad Hitler analogies because Jesus, that has become more popular than taking feminist twerking selfies at funerals. EVERYTHING is basically just like Hitler nowadays. Let us do the squiggly line flashback thingy where we fondly recall all the ways America’s Greatest Idiots idiotsplained to us how things they do not like are JUST LIKE HITLER. Read more on 2013’s Person Of The Year: Hitler, Who Was Just Like Hitler…
  Impeach! Uh we mean I-word!

House GOP Committee Holds Quiet Little Casual Meeting About (Stage Whisper) Impeaching Obama

Tuesday was another great day for casually talking about how the heck to impeach the president for something something presidenting while black something. But then, isn’t every day? Of course! But Tuesday was extra special, as a who’s who of congressional derp held a hearing cleverly titled “The President’s Constitutional Duty to Faithfully Execute the Laws.” That’s congressional fancy talk for impeachment. They didn’t use that word, of course. Republican leaders frown on such labeling because it makes the House majority look, well, crazy. It is, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) said from the dais, “the word that we don’t like to say in this committee, and I’m not about to utter here in this particular hearing.” Well, sure. It would be déclassé and uncouth and simply not done, dahhhhling, to say impeachment that word at a hearing to talk about impeachment that word, especially when nearly half the Republicans on the committee, plus several of their non-committee pals in the House and the Senate, have openly suggested that wording the president for IRSgate. Or Benghazigate. Or comingforourgunsgate. Or beingblackgate. Like Rep. Trey Radel (R-Rehab), who wanted to that word the president for, um, gun stuff. And Rep. Steve Stockman — whom Dana Milbank describes as “exotic,” which makes us want to drink lots of bleach — has been passing impeachment notes in class for attacking his gun freedoms. Read more on House GOP Committee Holds Quiet Little Casual Meeting About (Stage Whisper) Impeaching Obama…
  They're going to need a bigger conspiracy theory

Republican Plan To Prove Abortion Is Dangerous And Bad Proves Exact Opposite, Oops!

Aw, shucks, looks like we have some bad news for Republicans with an all-kinds-of-twisted fetish for trying to ban abortion. In May, Republican members of two congressional committees—the House Judiciary Committee and House Energy and Commerce Committee—wrote letters to the departments of health and attorneys general in all 50 states, asking for thousands of pages of information about how each state monitors and regulates abortion. […] An analysis of these documents shows that congressional Republicans will find no support for their arguments in favor of new restrictions on abortion care in the evidence presented by the states. […] They show that abortion in the United States is highly regulated and overwhelmingly safe. Huh. Well, isn’t that interesting? Despite the mission, led by Republican Reps. Bob Goodlatte and Trent Franks, to prove just how dangerous abortion is for women — because you know how they care oh so much about the women, of course, which is why they oppose protections for domestic violence victims and equal pay and women making up their own damn minds about whether and when to become mothers — the evidence (ugh, you know how Republicans hate evidence because it has a liberal bias) shows the exact opposite. Go figure. Read more on Republican Plan To Prove Abortion Is Dangerous And Bad Proves Exact Opposite, Oops!…
  occupy your uterus

House GOP Bans Abortions After 20 Weeks, Unemployment Rate Somehow Unaffected

To the complete surprise of no Wonketeers anywhere, the House of Representatives yesterday passed their bill aimed at alienating women everywhere outlawing abortions after 20 weeks. The effort, nothing more than an empty gesture to throw red meat to anti-choice whackadoos, has been a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish. But before we review just how awful the Republicans have been, let’s see the final score, via TPM: House Republicans passed legislation to ban abortions nationwide after 20 weeks of pregnancy. The final vote was 228-196; six Democrats and six Republicans crossed party lines. The Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act carves out exemptions to protect the life of the mother, and for cases of rape and incest as long as the crimes have been reported. It won’t go any further because Democrats control the Senate and White House. But it is invigorating both sides of a culture war that has deeply divided the country for generations. War on Women part 532, here we come! Because fucking with women’s rights worked out so well for the GOP in 2012, eh, President Romney?  Read more on House GOP Bans Abortions After 20 Weeks, Unemployment Rate Somehow Unaffected…
  Proud to be 100 percent unapologetically wrong

Rep. Trent Franks Only Sounds Like A Nazi Because He’s ‘100 percent Unapologetically Pro-life’

Look, just because Rep. Trent Franks happened to espouse the exact same medical mythology propounded by the Nazis (and Todd Akin) — that women who are raped don’t get pregnant because of trauma and magic ladyparts and stuff — doesn’t mean you shouldnt’t give him lots of monies. Read more on Rep. Trent Franks Only Sounds Like A Nazi Because He’s ‘100 percent Unapologetically Pro-life’…
  Happy Just Like Hitler Day For Reals This Time

Rep. Trent Franks’s Magic Ladyparts Rape Theory Is Literally — LITERALLY — Just Like Hitler

We here at Yr Wonkette are fond of mocking the ever-lovin’ shit out of Republicans who are fond of saying that such-and-such or so-and-so is just like Hitler or Nazis or the Holocaust, or some variation thereon. Like how overhearing things at Sen. Mitch McConnell’s office is just like the gestapo. (Also, Watergate, which we guess means Nixon = Hitler?) And IRSghazigate will lead to the “American Holocaust” and the “great civil war.” Both kinds! Hooray! And how if Rick Santorum can’t gay-bash at our children, it is “kind of like the Jews in Nazi Germany.” Uh, yeah. Kind of. Except not. And Obamacare is just like the Holocaust because that’s how Hitler got his start — negotiating slightly lower premiums with health insurance companies. And abortion is just like the Holocaust, because while Hitler may have started by negotiating insurance premiums, he quickly moved on to comprehensive medical care for women — AND THEIR LADYPARTS — which is obviously a short, straight shot to genocide. Arizona Rep. Trent Franks (R-OF COURSE) is one such just-like-the-Holocauster, and this week, while while arguing for his bill to ban abortion at 20 weeks, which is unconstitutional plus also a total dick move, he went full-on Todd Akin, and jumped on the magic ladyparts theory bandwagon, dumbsplaining that “the incidence of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low.” (Yes, that would be another time-honored tradition among Republicans of saying JAW-DROPPINGLY STUPID SHIT about rape. But let us not digress.) So it is with great shock, a dash of awe, and, not gonna lie, a pinch of schadenfreude (that’s a German word, and yes yes, we know who else spoke German), that we present you with this little gem, courtesy of Emily Bazelon at Slate: Read more on Rep. Trent Franks’s Magic Ladyparts Rape Theory Is Literally — LITERALLY — Just Like Hitler…
  It's try-to-ban-abortion o'clock again

With Nothing Better To Do, Republicans Try to Ban Abortion Some More

Ah, lazy summer days. Fresh-squeezed lemonade, barbecues, bills to ban abortion for reasons that make absolutely zero sense and will never actually become law anyway, but who cares, congressional Republicans have their priorities, you know, and even though you might think “jobs” or “The War on Terra” or “naming post offices” might be more important, you would be wrong because nothing — nothing!!!! — is more important than preserving the sanctity of fetuses, until those fetuses get borned and might need medical care or, say, food, in which case, fuck ‘em because they are now takers, but hey, that’s not the point, shut up, sanctity of life, bitchez! Read more on With Nothing Better To Do, Republicans Try to Ban Abortion Some More…
  a person's a person no matter how much they can't live outside the womb

Louie Gohmert Defends His Fellow Brain-Dead Americans

Everybody needs an advocate. This is why, in our criminal justice system, even murderers and Ken Lay get to have attorneys. And who better to advocate for babies who would be born without brain function than their leader, Texas Mensa President Louie Gohmert? That is why he stood up to Big Abortion in the guise of a lady who borted her baby that only had part of a brain, mansplaining to her how much better it would have been for her fetus to be born, suffer excruciating pain, and then die. Won’t that lady think of the children? No, not the child she’s got at home who wouldn’t see her parents while they spent all their time in the hospital waiting for God to murder their baby, as He intended. The other children. The ones who would be born without their brains. Read more on Louie Gohmert Defends His Fellow Brain-Dead Americans…
  founding potheads

Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh

In a CLEARLY partisan move, a federal court is going to review “evidence” and “science” and listen to a bunch of “doctors” so they can decide once and for all if the American people should be free to get highhhhhhh. For the first time in 20 years, a federal court will review scientific evidence on the therapeutic value of marijuana, as a legal challenge by a group of doctors, medical professionals and patients makes its way to the U.S. court of appeals in Washington, D.C., next week. Read more on Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh…
  but just this one

House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply

House Republicans have at long last identified a segment of a woman’s existence when they feel she deserves federal protection against discrimination: the six or so weeks between when the sex of a fetus can be determined and when it reaches the fetal viability mark past which abortion is limited in most states. Sorry, lady readers, your window for equal rights has already closed! Enjoy your pay gap. The House will vote this week on the “Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act,” a productive use of everyone’s time that promises to slap up to five years of prison time on doctors caught performing sex-selective abortions in a quest to improve upon the scary levels of “zero statistical evidence” that U.S. parents in general prefer male over female fetuses. Bonus: the Republicans get to call Democrats girl-baby eating monsters! Read more on House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply…
  words with friends

D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers

Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone. Read more on D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers…
  downton abbortion

‘Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs On A Woman’s Womb Act’ Will Never Be

Do you remember the surreal “Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act of 2011,” the bill written in high-pitched banshee shrieks and designed to stem a fictional tide of sex- and race-based abortions? Remember how no one in real life — NO ONE — could figure out how the hell, exactly, this law could possibly be enforced, or really why it should exist at all, in any form, on any planet, at any point in geologic time? Well, everyone is still on the same page on those two points. Still stupid, still pointless, situation unchanged. But the bill’s supporters were forced to change its name, due to “objections by [House Judiciary Committee] Democrats.” The drama! The intrigue! THE ABORTIONS! Read more on ‘Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs On A Woman’s Womb Act’ Will Never Be…
  fear of a black planned parenthood

House GOP To Ban Black Ladies From Going Pro-Choice On Their Fetuses

Would-be aborted black fetuses have found a new friend in Rep. Trent Franks (of Arizona, sigh) and the collected shiny-faced grinners of the House Republican caucus. A clever woods-goblin has planted into these congressmen’s heads the notion that “abortion is the leading cause of death in the black community,” and not the official NIH-sanctioned answer of “terminal flank pain, secondary to laughing at congressional imbeciles.” Now the caucus is circulating a memo in support of the subtly titled Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass (GET IT?!) Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act, which was aborted failed to reach mark-up when it was last put forward but which will probably reach viability make it to a floor vote this time around. Read more on House GOP To Ban Black Ladies From Going Pro-Choice On Their Fetuses…
  this is how it's done stapleton!

Trent Franks: What I Meant Was That Obama Likes To Antagonize Fetuses, Just Fetuses

Okay everyone just hold on for just one sec, we have a REQUEST FOR A RE-DO from Trent Franks, some sort of struggling freelance Congressman who called Obama an “enemy of humanity”: “Bethany Haley, spokeswoman for Franks, said the congressman was referring to ‘unborn humanity’ and should have clarified his statement.” HA! Like four seconds until Trig Palin & the Unborn Humanity is MySpace’s most downloaded aggro-rap outfit. Anyway: astounding. Just… astounding. [AP] Read more on Trent Franks: What I Meant Was That Obama Likes To Antagonize Fetuses, Just Fetuses…
  known enemies

Self-Described Republican Congressman Calls Obama An “Enemy Of Humanity” At That Wingnut Conference

“Trent Franks” is some degenerate sad sack who had two options: become a celebrated onomatopoeic actor in pornographic films, or run for Congress in Arizona. At random, he chose the latter option, and thank goodness he did, because now America has been given FAIR WARNING that its President, Barack Obama, is an “enemy of humanity.” So THIS is whom we are Taking America Back From: its President. Frank Franks Sex Trenton or whatever will not stand for this, no sir! Read more on Self-Described Republican Congressman Calls Obama An “Enemy Of Humanity” At That Wingnut Conference…